Bananapoop ~ The "How to be less stupid" tutorial ~ This is not a banana tree!




Health ~ My journey ~ My descent in hell


The factors that had such an impact on my life started before I was even born. Of course I wasn't aware of it. But it didn't stop them from affecting me greatly. The smallest things can truly be of greatest importance and echo in your entire life.

I started to understand only recently, more than 30 years later, with knowledge and theories. It's under this new light, which put an end to how lost I felt, that I will tell you my story.

You don't have to read such an extremely long page, it's almost a book!

But maybe it can make you feel understood and put things in perspective for you too.

Writing is helpful to let go. I recommend it~


Here's the hellish topics:
My painfully long journey before the path of healing:
(Both to live and to read, good luck with that~)

 


The morale of the story

When you can't take people's bullshit anymore, it's not social phobia people... it's realism and survival. Some things are too awful to be tolerated a second!

Allow yourself the right to walk away or fight, and you won't dread anything uncontrollably it anymore. You'll know that when you need to, you can save yourself. Thus you can go out and enjoy what you want when you wish to.

Don't curl up in despair nor die.

Abandon all hopes... make it happen!
Defend yourself with everything you have.
You have nothing left to lose...
Then everything to gain!

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To resume briefly:

I had a taste of all forms of stress, abuse and pain: mental, physical, sexual and monetary.

I was constantly under psychological violence... Even by the people who claimed to love me and be there to help me heal.

Because I thought that defending my limit was a bad thing.

But it's not my mind that was affected, it was my entire body.

It's only by tapping into my will to survive, deciding on my own what I deserved, and protecting myself with my own power... that I could be freed from pain.

What allowed me to heal wasn't to talk in therapy. But by listening to my body's needs and providing them, beyond what I thought I wanted.

It's what's inside that count: Nutrition.
The secret of happiness is to be healthy.

I took care of myself.
Then I finally felt protected and the unconditional love that I almost literally died for.
I granted my own wish!

There is nothing more beautiful than a smile.


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In the womb: mother burning up my vital organs instead to respect her limit

It's believed to be the most blissful experience, but also when you are the most vulnerable to the grave impacts of simple choices that aren't your own.

My father left my mother and, since being taken care of by a man is all she cared about, she didn't have much good in her life to balance, no job to take her mind of things, not much hobbies, limited social resources and coping skills. She took it very hard.

The stress exhausted her adrenal glands. She became exhausted. But instead to feed them with food and vitamins rich in B and C, she relied on stimulants to boost herself, aggravating the load on them and making their deficiencies all the more brutal. Along with her mood.

Food is passed down to the foetus, but it's a loop, it also takes things out. The waste but also hormones. She didn't just burned up her glands, she cannibalised mine as well...

I was born small and frail.

Childbirth is considered as the number one stress, even beyond the death of a loved one. That alone can push people over the edge, much worst when people are already sick. So when she lost my two extra adrenal glands, it really must have hit her hard. But it's no excuse for what came next.


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Childhood: being fragile is already hard enough without being cut off from the herd, bullied and sexually abused

I was the smallest of my classes. The pituitary gland that controls it was probably affected too. The bone in my legs and I fear my spine too didn't form properly. Raising fish I discovered about rickets. A deficiency of vitamin D, calcium or phosphorous. Since she relied on cola, which hide and aggravate a calcium deficiency, I had little choice. But as a child I was madly craving milk and cheese, it could have been worst. I've seen children of alcoholics with shorter limbs on one side, with a limp.

I always had respiratory infections, to the point that I had my tonsils removed. But I was spared asthma even if I had allergies.

I loved broccoli. I’ve always obsessed with the color green... now I see that it was my body's way to communicate me its needs. It can be misunderstood in its attempts but always wants to help you.

But I was fed Kraft dinner and canned beef stew. Now I know that was horrible and the wisdom in finding cat food more appetising. She also gave me white bread sandwiches with processed meat. And the worst... toasts with brown sugar on them!

Now that I know that I am glucose intolerant, allergic to corn, and most likely celiac too. I understand why I didn't want to eat: I had explosive diarrhea constantly. I wasn't weak, small and always sick only because of nutritional deficiency, but because I was poisoned by my food.

The worst is that she was screaming to make me eat instead to figure it out. She was buying me 2 bags of chips a week, and then mocked me for being fat... while she was much more. Drove me to anorexia with cruelty and, even when I got too slim for my own good, it still wasn’t good enough!

She yelled at me for going to the bathroom at night, I was sick! She denied me the dignity of a toilet and gave me a little pot. When she saw the horror she let me go. But she was blaming me for her lack of sleep.

The real cause was a deficiency of calcium+D3 and magnesium... Now it helps me more than sleeping pills ever did.

But as if it wasn't bad enough, terribly wrong choices worsened the problem, as she tried to cope with the exhaustion drinking: Cola. It’s as bad as relying on alcohol and causes the same fits of rage when the sugar high makes you crash. Trying to stimulate an already stressed out body is already a bad idea. But boosting the fuel like mad without balancing it with nutrients to function... It made her survival instinct go berserk and unleash at anything in reach.

It had nothing to do with me or what I did… I was just there.

What we consume stays in the blood minimum 3 days! Of course she couldn't sleep at night with all that caffeine and sugar.

I was in bad shape too, but I hated that shit. I didn't care if it made me an overgrown baby, all I wanted was milk... and cheese. I can bear anything as long as I have it.

But I suffered from malnutrition and unstable blood glucose.

I didn't need glasses when I was born... But the eyes don't have reserves of energy, so when the fuel crashes, they are defenseless and gets damaged. I didn't eat breakfast, nor lunch... Now I have such myopia... that it's like being half blind. But I'm so grateful to see.

But as if being sick wasn't good enough... Kids bully the weak, to take out their frustrations, to laugh at what they don't understand... But as cruel as I believe it is, and as even more was teachers thinking it's not their problem when they enjoy the protection of the police... It has a purpose...

Nature selects the strongest and healthiest to perpetuate the species; to avoid spreading sickness and be full of diseases from birth. It’s already hard enough to adapt to the environment and survive. The wolves always select the weakest prey to eat and it helps strengthen the horde.

Unfortunately for us it means a life long agony of rejections instead of a quick bloody death.

But I now understand another cause that perpetuated a vicious cycle:

My mother wanted me to be the best. Instead to teach me to cooperate and make friends. People don't like to be looked down on and judged like the attitude that she had towards me, and probably had with others without noticing.

But my peers made me bear years of mental torture that no one should endure.

She pushed me away saying that I must deserve it, as if the world was just. If it was such we wouldn't need laws and prisons. She told me that it was because I wasn't good enough... When trying too hard instead to play with the other kids was precisely what singled me out.

It's natural to establish a hierarchy in the animal realm, to get the most nutritive body parts and such. The leader of the pack constantly gets defied and has to defend his position.

If my mother wanted me to be above everyone, then the logical thing to do would have been to defend myself against those who wanted to put me down. We all have to defend our limits and best interests when others are trying to get us for their own.

What she expected of me was illogical and doomed me to failure.
Have you ever seen the 1st of the class be miss popularity?

So not only I was denied comfort, tenderness and love of a parent; but I was forbidden to defend myself as well. I had to please the very people who wished to harm me. Making it all the more easier and fun for them. So it only got worst.

She turned me away even when I got sexually abused, crime that no child can possibly deserve. The police didn't believe me. They said I wanted attention, with my mother calling me names and hurting me even more than the whole school; it was the last thing that I wanted.

I tried to kill myself.

That's when I found that my body has a will of his own, much more powerful than me.

And I would soon understand how much it was on my side.


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Teenage years: Finally found someone who loved me but he was crueler than those who hated me

I tried harder, got abused more. I made it easier by trying to please.

When I finally met someone who loved me I thought that I finally had a ray of hope, but he did the most twisted mind games to me, tortured me publicly worst than any bullies. When I saw that even the people who love me treat me this way, I shattered.

I ended up crying non stop for a year.

No one ever asked me what was wrong. But I was crying because I couldn't contain my sheer despair behind a smile anymore. The school threw me out, forcing me to have a psychiatric evaluation, without even offering me counselling, probably in fear of ruining the school reputation if I jumped off the roof.

But that heartlessness turned out to be the greatest gift.

My mother was always calling me insane and retarded, in spite of the fact that I was in special classes for gifted students. Threatening me to get me locked up or thrown in the streets, while I was so sick that I was as quiet as a potted plant in front of TV.

She never threatened to take it away; she just wanted to find a reason to get rid of me. I was unwanted before my I was even born and nothing I could do could ever change that.

She tried so hard to convince the doctor that I was mad and take me away, but I had the chance to speak out and she listened. She said that I was really sensitive but wasn't a danger to anyone. It's one of the rare good experiences that I had with them. She lifted a weight off my heart.   I saw social workers with my mom, but she never wanted to acknowledge the pain that she was doing to me, and even denied the very marks that she did on me. Saying that it never happened and that I fabulate. Perhaps I did hoping to please her and receive her love… But it was probably just to survive.

But I’ve found a better way.  


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Darkness unleashed: my survival instinct finally kicks in!

My mother had such intense fits of rage; uncontrolled hypoglycemia will do that to you, especially if you try to control everything else but yourself.

I had so many reasons to do way worst than her! But being seen angry, being this horrible to someone, became my worst phobia. I was afraid to hurt someone as much as she was hurting me. I despised her so much the idea was unbearable. But the more I didn’t defend myself, the more I was attacked, and the more enraged my inner animal became in his cage.

It took me so long to understand that it belongs free. That's how it matures and gains wisdom. It's better to let it out, in check, than have it explode without control on his own!

But our conscious mind understands images and it's hard to reach such a deep level of psyche. Metaphors are a great tool. I was doing it since I was 6.

From a very young age, my relaxing ways to help me sleep was to think of movies. I modified the scenarios, and I eventually made my own character; staying the same in all my stories.

He ended up speaking directly at me. Being a child, I didn't fear or question it. I just replied.

If it happened now, I probably would have been labelled a schizophrenic. But imaginary friends are common, they help the mind figure things out, the way it does with dreams at night. Some adults still have them, I still have him, he’s a side of me after all.

I first thought that he was an angel, even if he looked evil; he had the kindest eyes and was always respectful with me. I feel very grateful that it's not my fears and self hatred that found their way to the speech center of my brain.

It was my rationality. Also the benevolence that I nurtured to offer others. Without knowing it, I was indeed rewarded for my efforts. Too bad others didn't appreciate it. I did.

His advices were always very accurate and useful. He could even predict the future too with great accuracy... I couldn't believe that I was this clever, but when you look at the cause to effect, when you learn from your mistakes... it's easy. But I believed that he was god, he is to me. The funny thing is that the bible said to find it in you. I guess I did.

But to make sure that I wouldn't slip away from reality like my sister, I decided to cling to rationality with an iron fist. I understood it scientificaly. It makes a lot of sense.

We have more than one brain, 3 in fact, and they talk to each other as one. If we were aware of it all, if it passed through images and speech, our brain would fry. But sometimes when important messages need to be brought to our attention, something go through.

We all privilege one of the 3 sides above the other, for me it was the emotional one, like it's often the case for women. That character was my rational mind reaching out to me. If you take the fear and confusion away in schizophrenia, there is nothing wrong with listening to your inner voice. We can calculate things much faster and accurately with our subconscious, that's what intuition is.

But there is another, the 3rd one, which is taboo in our society. The primal one.

I was so terrified by it... I thought I was a monster. But i was only my survival instinct. Letting people crucify me with a smile was far from being good.

It took me over so completely in danger, turning my other parts off to do what had to be done. As emotions were too hurt and unjust pain defied reason... That demon, what I see as a black wolf in my mind, was only there for my protection. There was someone who could love me and take care of me after all: myself.

It took me more than a decade to make peace with it. But I'll always be grateful for what he tried to do for me against my conditioned attitude to be a docile victim.

I saw the purpose in it, but I swore that it wouldn't be a blind enraged animal hurting loved ones and innocents. So I had to acknowledge him... to train him.

One day my mother came to me and started to slap me around, I pushed her gently but she assaulted me again 5 times in a row... I allowed my darker self to return the favor. I got up, with the stare of a predator. She got surprised and scared like I've never seen before. I punched her, aimed for the nose, but she moved back and got it in the throat, which could have killed her. She accused me to have started. I said "No, mother, you did."

She walked away, but she later tried to take out her frustrated broken heart on me again. That time I called the cops on her. They took me away because she was irresponsible. After a month the court allowed me to live on my own. That's how much I was mature.

It was one week before my birthday, hard to feel wanted. But it's the greatest gift that I ever offered myself: To be freed from fear and defend myself!

Every cruelty that she told me were so unjustified, it was never about me but about how bad she felt with herself. But the damage to my self esteem couldn't be undone this easily... and the physical damage to my adrenal glands from that much stress would prove to be an even greater challenge. But that’s what helped me with everything else.

But I was far from out of the woods... I got attacked by a pedophile that literally dragged me into them. I saved myself from rape, but not without scars.

It was just too much... I was accepted in college, in science to become a doctor... But my internal organs were so beat up by stress. The adrenal glands had to produce so much adrenalin to face one danger after another, boosting my whole system beyond capacity for way too long… everything went down to hell, even my brain of course. Algebra was like a game to me, but then I wasn't able to add 12+13 anymore…

It gave me a new perspective on students that do badly at school. How can they perform when they are malnourished and in violent homes!? I saw school as my way out, but if I had believe that society wouldn’t accept me no matter what I did, because of my personality or appearance, I wouldn’t have tried so hard either. Maybe they are even wiser than I ever was.

I had to quit school... I was too terrified to think, being safe and rest was more urgent. I hid away from the town, isolated with woods all around me. I felt safe in nature. I stayed there a year, and then I moved on to a big city to start my life anew.



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Adulthood: The “experts” paid to help me only judged me and belittled me. Feelings aren’t diseases. Being physically damaged and exhausted is!


I worked for a year and half in a McDonald's. That’s how much I wanted to work. But was sheer torture and I burned out... I tried to call for help but doctors turned me away saying it's to depressing and to see someone else... I snapped. When they told me to go faster I didn't care anymore, instead to please them with admiration for a pat on the head. It's then that they started to be nice to me and encourage me. When I didn't give a damn.

They did an evaluation and raised me of 10 cent. They told me:
"But you have to work twice as hard from now on."
"Can I give you 10 cent and work twice less?" I replied!
"No."
"25 cent?" I offered with a grin.
He just walked away. They didn't bother to scream at me to make me run even faster after that, they knew it was useless.

Then I did an intensive course in web design. I was desperate to find a career that would allow me to be at my best: about brain not physical strength! But I was constantly threatened to be kicked out because I was asking questions. I was interested and wanted to succeed!!! The other students thanked me for it, not daring to themselves, but because of that I was seen as a troublemaker... A teacher apologised to me when he saw my final work, he thought I wasn't paying attention. But the damage was done.

As if it wasn't stressful enough to work 70h a week, being threatened again was torment.
I was falling asleep everywhere, dragging myself. I desperately wanted to prove my worth and be useful to society. I succeeded on top of my class... but they refused to help me find a job saying that no one would ever want me... I felt sicker and couldn't move from my bed for 2 months.

But after working more than 100h a week for clients who didn't even want to pay me 2$ an hour... I couldn't walk anymore. Rest had no effect. I got scared... sheer will, which kicks the adrenals, didn't work anymore!

I went to see the doctors. I didn't have a family one, so I was assigned one student after another. They told me that I was in depression. I said no, I'm not sad, I'm tired. I even had a joyful attitude and made jokes to prove it. They labelled me as a personality disorder. Blaming the coping mechanism instead to help with the cause is what they do best.

I came in with a glucose meter. Proving after finding it myself that I was hypoglycemic. But they mocked me saying that it doesn't happen often enough and is no big deal. I was fainting in the middle of the streets! I could have died! How many times do I have to for it to be worrisome? How many times hit by a car? I never got my driver licence because I was scared to space out (what I called rebooting, when they were seizures…) scared to kill someone, but now I was plain fainting.

They said that they weren't worried when they found anaemia too. Also low blood pressure standing up, which screams adrenal fatigue. Peeing all the time and being constantly thirsty should have been enough. I begged them to pass me a glucose tolerance test for hypoglycemia, but they told me that it doesn't exist anymore, without giving me the 3h one for diabetes...

I had years of therapy which consisted of someone sitting there and waiting for me to spit out my shit off my chest... But I wanted concrete solutions to concrete problems. I didn't mind about the past, I wanted to know how to better my future. They were clueless.

I found about Post traumatic stress disorder, and it made sense. I begged hard to be referred to the best psychiatrist in the region so she could evaluate me properly... so I could get a therapy for what I really had!

I arrived with my documentation, to talk between intelligent adults. I explained why I'm not a limit personality, one point after the other, like the promiscuity didn't make sense since I was into chastity. I explained about PTSD, and the facts that made it pertinent.

She said that I was right. But that she'd still put me in the personality disorders. She refused to tell me which one. Or even why. I guess I insulted her ego by not looking up to her like a poor little victim. Apparently PTSD isn't something they treat, they don't acknowledge trauma!? Can you imagine the horror of being assaulted by the criminals... scarred emotionally, mentally and physically... and then told that the problem is you... not what has been done to you... that your personality, your very identity as a person, is a disease... THAT’S SICK!

She told me "No one will ever want you, not even in therapy."
Can you imagine the pain and despair… how can we not end up in depression with psychological abuse like that, by the very people paid to help us heal from it!!!
NOTHING can possibly justify this! Even if I was the criminals and people who damaged my mind and body so much!

But if they stop blaming the victim, they would have to admit that it can happen to anyone, even to them. People can't bear the idea. In a way I'm glad that it happened to me. It made me strong! My heart might hurt but at least I have one!!! I wouldn't spread this crap into the world.

I tried to report the psychiatrist for professional fault, but they told me that her report was well done... so psychological violence didn't matter to them. And that's what cause metal problems, which they are supposed to help, not worsen!

When I got out of the meeting, I sat on a bench in the park in front of the hospital... I cried my eyes out. Some old creep came to grab my thigh and tried to force himself on me...

How many people are selfishly abusive, to have it happen again, before I even have the chance to get home!? Society is putrid to the core. That's what happens when you promote porno, like fast food, to hit and run before you can get attached and hurt. At the expense the other side of the balance: tenderness and respect! People are desperate for companionship. Well, you sure won't get love by force!!! Dumb asses.

If you have social phobias, let me tell you: It's a protection mechanism. You have a damn good reason! But fear isn't the answer. I got pissed off, because it was necessary to protect myself so it was appropriate, and he stopped at the second he saw my strength.


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The 4 assholes of my apocalypse

What can put you in an adrenal crash can be anything, even emotional when you try to think that it doesn't matter...

Every stress that your internal organs have to deal with matters.

I decided to try to improve other aspects of my life that I've neglected all my life to be productive: friendship.

I joined a group of Goths; hoping that they would be able to handle the darkness inside me. Dancing was said to help blossom a closed abused body, and get it back.

I normally dress like a man, but to go there, my hairs were untied, I had make up, and worn a skirt that reached the floor, and a long sleeve shirt that reached my neck. All in black, I looked like a demonic princess.

That day... I got assaulted 4 times... in the same day. I lived bullshit in my life, but that was a personal record:

#1

Someone grabbed my tights with both hands in the metro while I was reading my journal, and squeezed so hard that I could still feel it 10 minutes later. I said "Don't touch me." He replied with an offended "Why!?"... It was a good enough reason to get mad.

I moved forward on my seat, then stopped just before his face, like a Doberman reaching the end of his chain; showed my teeth with the most hateful glare and said "Because it's my body!"

I had the absolute desire to slaughter him, with no regards for my own safety. I was ready to rip him apart with my bare hands even if it meant to die trying. I didn't care. I had no fear. What he saw in my eyes was death incarnate.

The raw primal desire to kill and eat. That's what the rage symptom of hypoglycemia looks like. The only thing I saw that gave it justice is worst than Hitler, it was werewolves... Alcohol is absorbed faster than eating sugar with a spoon. It gives the most hypoglycemic attacks, along with cola and juices. Children of alcoholics really live in hell. It's far worst than regular anger... The adrenalin also gives superhuman strength for a short period. It can inflict sheer terror with a mere glare. That’s how powerful the desire to survive can be, and even a "cute little innocent girl" like me can tap into it.

He jumped off his seat and ran for the exit. But the train was still moving, so he got close to the door in complete panic, almost tryint to step through it. If the door had opened, I'm sure he would have jumped off the subway before it stopped.

Your body has an immense strength. Trust it. Take care of it. When you'll need it the most, he will save you. I have an deep respect for it now.

#2

While I was dancing an ugly creep started to rub his hands all over me from behind. I never even saw him before. I said "Who the hell are you!? Don't touch me!!!" And he restarted...

#3

I spent the night at a friend's home. He was an ambulance man and kept bragging about how much his place was safe and that he had zero tolerance for abuse on his guests.

But his friend harassed me sexually no matter what I said. He ended up following me to the dark corridor of the bathroom, grabbed me by the wrist and hit me against him... When I struggled and ran off, he grabbed me by the hairs and tried to drag me.

I did karate so I know how to put my feet to stay stable, so he failed. But when I asked him to let go, that he was hurting me he laughed. Then I got mad "Let go off me." I said coldly, about to jump at his throat. He did right away.

Therapists told me to be polite and never hit them, what the hell!? It doesn't work! The law allow us to even stab them in the eyes with a pen if necessary.

Read on self defense. It made me feel better than anything else.

#4

I had a crush on a guy, I gave him my phone but he never had the guts to call me in spite of his word, trust isn't something that I have a lot of, so it started bad. When I finally saw him again, he acted strange. I questioned him and after giving me nonsense, he admitted that he had sex with his ex. Then he tried to continue courting me!

I don't care if it makes me old fashion, I want loyalty. He harassed me so much to be my boyfriend, but it was just to manipulate my heart! I told him that I wanted to slowly know each other, but I agreed to his courting. So he basically cheated.

I always repeated myself that it's the only reason that I'd kill other than survival. So I was more than disgusted by him. When he claimed to touch me, I ran away screaming on top of my lungs that I didn't want to. Especially after such a day, I couldn't take it anymore. He made me trip, grabbed my by force, and got what he wanted. My hands were taken by something fragile, so I couldn't defend myself. I felt soiled by filth.

But what my friends did after was much more horrible.


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Friendship, the best therapy? Until they make it way worst!

I told my friends, so they’d know what kind of asshole he was. Or to at least warn them of danger and spare someone worst... The ambulance man told me that it’s not his first time.

I asked my friend why he didn't kick him out like he said his policy was. Why he wasn't dealing with it now either. He said that it wasn't a pleasant conversation and only wanted to have fun, then went to flee with his pot... I have nothing against plants, but I loathe people who only offer beautiful wind and let you down when it’s time to act.

Counting on him made me weak and vulnerable, like expecting someone to watch your back only to get it stabbed. I could manage on my own! But if he had warned me, or said nothing, instead to make me drop my guard, I would have reacted differently! That betrayal of trust was way worst than some poor desperate worm finding me irresistible!

My other friends told me that I was a slut and deserved it... Can you imagine...

Apparently it's because I hugged my best friend hello, also the guy I had a crush on once, and when I forgot my coat someone offered me to share his until the door got unlocked, so we hugged too. They thought I was sleeping with them all. But even a whore has the absolute right to say no and not get grabbed against her will!

Being assaulted was bad enough, but being mocked by my friends and told that they're basically glad it happened... That was low... that hurt deep. Straight to the adrenals.

I gave up my dark dream... dancing that I loved so much... ended up bedridden again... as I acknowledged the threat. What I wanted didn't mattered after I did, it was in the hands of my survival instinct... the life, the friendships, the hobbies, my place in the world... that I worked so hard to built... had to go.

It's not selfish strangers that destroyed me, even if what they did had been done with hate... It's what the people who were supposed to love me did that hurt me the most: Denying me the very right to be safe, cared about... even telling me that I deserved to suffer. That's worst than enemies...


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Cops: To serve and protect. Yeah right... their own ego!

Once again the cops were more than useless. I called them to have information, to know how to deal with situations like this and hopefully avoid them. A little justice would have been nice, to punish them so those people would treat women better... improving society one dick at the time... But I was merely expecting to be explained the law and ressources available.

But what the cops did... was beyond disgusting.

They came and refused to believe that it was possible. To them I was just a woman, in povrety in a bad area... so I had to be a drug addict, insane, or just a slut who got what she deserved...

They mocked me, accused me mercilesly as if I was on trial, for maybe an hour. They accused me of doing drugs, saying that there's a pipe right there when it was clearly something else; then they attacked my sanity, saying that I must have daydreamed, that it couldn't be that bad, even asked me if I thought CPR was sexual abuse... They humiliated me...

And when I finally proved that I'm intelligent, lucid, and not taking drugs... they told me that I should smoke pot to relax!!! The ressource they gave me was to be locked up in psychiatry when people freak out...

But I was very calm and rational all along, I only wanted to know what was my legal options to deal with this positively, now and in the future.

I coped by telling myself that I can count on my dark side to protect me, but I felt so enraged. I was obsessed with vengeful ideas. I regretted not throwing him off the balcony, since apparently the law allow it when necessary... but it wasn't...

So I know that I did my best with the situation and emotions of the moment.

But people are revolting, so much bullshit... how hard is it to just be a friend, to do what you say you will or just not promise anything... and do your damn job!



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Social phobia is wisom. Protect yourself: Avoid, ignore, forget.

It's not social phobia people... it's realism and survival. Some things are too awful to be tolerated a second!

Your survival instinct acknowledges that they are a threat, even if only by over stimulating you, and ask you to avoid the stress to rest and recover from exhaustion.

Allow yourself the right to walk away or fight, and you won't dread anything uncontrollably it anymore. You'll know that when you need to, you can save yourself. Thus you can go out and enjoy what you want when you wish to.

Who can possibly look forward to meeting people, especially a group, especially strangers in a mall, especially with the loud music they put to freak you out and spend money on junk and booze to soothe yourself...

My body asked for quiet, for peace, for serenity... And that meant being completely isolated for a very long time so I could heal, instead to take more hits... even from the people loving me and paid to protect me.

I've been denied medical care and now the protection of the justice... for who I am? For what I feel? For being hurt and weak?

What else is left? Curl up in despair and die?
NO.

Abandon all hopes... make it happen!
Defend yourself with everything you have.
You have nothing left to lose...
Then everything to gain!




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Dancing with death finally helped me find the truth: It's not in my head, it's in my WHOLE BODY! The adrenal glands deal with stress.

I couldn't sleep anymore... I tried chemical sleeping pills like I did before, but they made me get massive diarrhea... since they're toxic... even natural ones... I think I was allergic to something in it... like gluten.

It got so bad that my ass ripped apart... "Pain in the ass" got its full meaning. I was bleeding even more than my periods, and they used to be very heavy before my magnesium supplements even got rid of incapacitating cramps.

Life gave me positive in return to balance that nightmare. I finally had my own family doctor. A young one, but at least his classes were long over.

I hid how I felt. My past. I smiled, composed and calm.

I tricked him saying that there are cases of hypothyroid and hypoglycemia in my family, which is technically true. That I'd like to be checked since I'm starting to have symptoms, to be on the safe side.

I also asked about the adrenal glands, their cortisol levels. And I got hydrocortisone prescribed for my injury, without knowing that they were artificial adrenal hormones.

When I put the cream, it went directly in my bloodstream since it's a mucosa... and it was ripped open too. So I could feel the effects in my whole body. I've never felt so good... Those 2 weeks were a bliss... But if I had known what would happen after, I NEVER would have used it.

That artificial cortisol not only doesn't help your adrenal glands function and heal, but it doesn't even help them rest... What it does is replace them... and like a muscle, when they aren't used they ATROPHY!!!

When I ran out of cream, it wasn't taping the dose off slowly over a course of months or years, but in one shot!

I got in adrenal crisis... they shut down... I couldn't breathe, it was a conscious effort and struggle, I couldn't walk to the bathroom... I couldn't even reach the phone to call an ambulance...

When I finally succeeded, I asked if it could be free, she said that she didn't know and instead to ask around, she old me to call InfoHealth and hanged the phone on me!

I fought death for 3 days... I did before, but never this close. That's when I understood life the most... how everything I killed myself for seemed so futile... the only thing that matter to life to be a success is to stay alive...

I asked myself the right questions... got amazing answers... and found how to cure myself and the will to do so.

My doctor called to tell me everything was normal... But I brought my glucose meter and I knew it wasn't.

Instead to be between 5 and 8, I went to 12 and crashed to 3 in an hour. I experienced many of the so called mental problems; in my life I most likely tasted them all. I finally had my proof.

I brought my machine and printed documentation to explain him that, no, I'm not fine. I felt pain all over for a week, as if I fell from the 9th floor, and that's what happened to my blood sugar... Every parts of me felt it, muscles and nerves... brain... But it wasn't in my head.

Fibromyalgia is a symptom, it literally means muscle pain, and such stupid labels rob people of the quest for a real cause and solution! Pure ignorance and no desire to do anything about everything. They get paid anyway after all, might as well get rid of someone who make them feel clueless. Horrifying. I wouldn't let my doctor get away with even thinking about it.

But when I got to my appointment, he finally revealed that I not only had hypoglycemia, I also had low thyroid function.

I lifted my arms in the air and scream "Hurray!" He was speechless with surprise. Then I explained by adding "Now~ we can finally cure me!"

He said no, that I had to take pills for life...

I said... "Oh..."

I investigated those pills... He told me to try and see, but people did before me, why not see what I was in for…

I'm allergic to 2 of its fillings! He told me to take them anyway... What!?

It has sugar in it. I'm glusose intolerant. It would trigger hypoglycemic crashes. I read that it worsens diabetes to the point that they have to adjust their medication. The only difference between me and them is that I don't try to over compensate by eating sugary foods... therefore I don't need insulin to deal with an overdose that no vital organ can bear.

I rely on steadier fuel like green full of fibre and nuts full of protein and fat. Yes~ Fat is good~ Sugar makes you fat and raise the bad cholesterol!

But doctors even recommend cola and sugar pills to treat hypoglycemia, even in diabetic patients! How faster do you want it to go up and crash as fast, when a pinch of nuts raised my blood sugar of a big 2 points in less than 5 minutes! And there's no sugar in them at all!

No wonder people get sick. I wouldn’t take a pill for a problem that would worsen and create another! They don’t even fix the issue anyway!

I felt outraged. Especially since he gave them to me before I had the results of my cortisol, to test my adrenal glands... Because when they are tired, they tell the thyroid to slow down to make you rest and heal. It's a survival mechanism.

Boosting the thyroid is like giving speed to the first horse, dragging the one tied behind him on his broken legs as he shrieks in agony.

That's why thyroid medication doen't work, and can make you feel worst... and raising it just make it worst.

It's so true that they give a warning paper with the pills about it. If pharmaceutical companies figured it out and bothered to risk losing clients, knowing how profit hungry they are, it really had to be dangerous.

The guy at the pharmacy told me they were without side effect and that I could stop them easily any time... as if any drugs ever did that...

When I got my results for the cortisol, I had something like 220... My doctor told me I was fine... But I had all the symptoms and was bedridden! I only had 20 points above the hypothetical line to be declared sick... on 600!!!! Who cares about some extra dust!

He blindly followed what a machine told him, probably to avoid being sued. Instead to see the obvious debilitating symptoms: it was so bad that I had to be prescribed cortisol before the test. Obviously it influenced the results... He agreed but I never passed the test again...

But I didn't need to be poked with needles again to know... It,s unlikely that I have 2 endocrin problems at the same time, when the adrenal glands causes both when they don't function properly. But those 2 were enough... I finally had the absolute proof... That I wasn't insane. That I've NEVER BEEN INSANE!!!

Well, I'm mad and crazy, but I'm that's part of my charm.
Not a disorder. Not the problem.

I was right!!! I diagnosed myself with no medical formation where decades of doctors were clueless even with absolute proof in their faces!

They let me suffer for more than 10 years... bedridden... for nothing! And then they wonder why people are depressed... Of course your brain won't work properly if it doesn't have what it needs!!! Like fuel and oxygen, and that takes more than sugar and breathing!

It's criminal to deny medical care and police protection because you don't like the person, judging without any proof when it's your job to investigate without discrimination.

But thanks to that I found the true medicine: nutrition.

Doctors probably don't treat with artificial cortisol because it shuts down the adrenals even more and it would be criminal to give it to someone who wasn't already in his coffin with nothing to lose... Because they don't know how to help the others reach optimal health.

The answer couldn't be more logical and simple... maybe that's why they can't find it.


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My blood relatives: the problem to eliminate, not the solution


I was so glad to finally have my mind validated... after being raised with intense hatred by my neurotic mother, yelled at on a regular basis that I’m insane, thrown around by psychologies and psychiatrists doing the same, when it’s my body that was ill…

No amount of talking, sedatives or stimulants could compensate for nutritional deficiencies. And all that absurd abuse made me need more than extra healing materials.

But when I told my father... who complained to me for years about his thyroid, that a doctor found that I have the same condition... he replied "Nope. You, you're just a hypochondriac."

After suffering so much to be validated!??? After having the paper from the hand of a MD!??? He still call me insane!??? Spitting on my feelings, crushing my mind...

In Dr Wilson's Book, there is a great advice about getting rid of what sucks your life away...

I never spoke to my father again.

He served no purpose other than put me down, and everything goes in the same of survival.

I asked respect to my haunt who kept telling me that life gave me what I deserved (which includes the scars that a pedophile did on me…) and that I didn't try hard enough...

Walking to the bathroom was worst than a marathon, and breathing was like lifting my own weight at every breath... Not hard enough... when surviving all this took me more courage than it would take her to listen and rub my back... But she didn't have the strength to hear it for a second. I lived it everyday for decades!

Who's strong? ME! Who's the one who lost contact with reality? THAT BITCH!

It always horrifies me to see how someone claiming to love could be that vicious… like a poisonous snake. There are things too awful to get used to them.

Then she sends me some cold hard cash to shut me up, human warmth and tenderness is way too much of an effort. Then she can continue to let me suffer in silence without guilt.

I envy the people born in the mud in a small village, fishing all day... together.
We're the 3rd rate countries... Our values are so twisted that we don't notice how poor and miserable we are. But I guess we do...

After my aunt denied me basic human needs more precious than anything and harmed my mind and heart... she added to the injury by adding telling me completely uncaring to go see a psy... after all that nightmare to finally prove myself, I won't tolerate a single breath of that shit!

For probably the first time in my life, I stood up for myself. I replied:
"Do you really thing that it's what I need!??? To be all alone for christmass with a bottle of antidepressants!???"

She hanged the phone, the only way left she had to try to control me. But I sent her letters, and I never spoke to her again. I grated her wish, and especially my own!


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Liberation: I grant my own wishes and needs.

I've never felt so free. So loved. So proud.

I'm still an invalid. It doesn't change my life. But I can breathe, I can walk...

I can still make a positive difference in the world.

And I must have helped many people to gain a lot of best answers on yahoo. Sometimes a few words can trigger so much. It's true for the bad, but for the good too.

I deserve to be happy, to be safe and to live.
I was always worthy.

Denying it to me said more about other people's hearts than my own. Because the beauty inside me cannot change the choices of other people.

I can only make my own.
I chose to live and to take care.

I hope you will do so as well.

Enjoy getting back up~
(See the link under the line)


Lisa Of Shades
1 March 2013
Right to be ©razy 2013 and beyond!