Bananapoop ~ The "How to be less stupid" tutorial ~ This is not a banana tree!

Humor ~ Shad Wolf ~ Anger 2

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Bad grammar cat ~ Death by wolf
Bad grammar cat ~ Death by dictionary
Trust makes the difference between love and death
Insanity wolf ~ Alone but no longer lonely
Insanity wolf ~ Suicide threats
Insanity wolf ~ Game over
Insanity wolf ~ Shut up!
Insanity wolf ~ Plenty of fish in the sea

Bad grammar cat ~ Death by wolf

I can haz... Death! Don't make mistakes on purpose.

I can haz (has have) ~ Cat kitten ~ Death by insanity wolf ~ Bad grammar

Wow I haven't made an angry poster since I left kat and became close friends with Tij. Thank you for taking such a good care of me. I'm very happy actually, I just felt like doing creepy stuff.

I was laughing at some Insanity Wolf meme (I started using the same wolf for my character as a coincidence, but it fits me so well!). But then cat meme got mixed in with really irritating comments. Well, that's my revenge... No offence to my friend Grumpy.

As horrible as it looks, that's Photoshoped. The reason why I hate cat pictures so much isn't because I hate cats, I love them. Orange cats are actually my favorites. It's because people put them in humiliating and often painful positions in the name of "cuteness". Well, if hurting cats for real is cute, then I'd rather Photoshop them with gruesome blood splatters. But yeah, if the psychopath hat fits, wear it. *Puts hat on*

Thank you my friends for being my friend anyway. Now that I made a bloody poster you truly know what you got yourself into hahaha. Thank you for making me so happy. No cats where harmed by my friends or during the making of this poster, but I laughed my head off.

I'm watching horror movies lately so that might explain my inspiration.

It's about bad grammar, but the one made on purpose. I'm a French Canadian and learning English was extremely hard for me, I still struggle. Using verb tense correctly and asking questions are especially difficult... People writing anyhow really made it harder for me to understand and learn. Even at my best I still make typos. My keyboard has many broken keys, so many letters are missing, and my spelling check doesn't always notice them. God instead of good is still a word... Hat instead of that too...

Accidents I can understand... limited knowledge too... Knowing how but writing like crap on purpose... disrespecting me and hurting my brain... that makes me angry.

I don't even correct my friends when I notice their mistakes (should I to help them learn?) I don't obsess on it the way I usually do because I enjoy their company much more than how much bad grammar can be my pet peeve.

Writing like an idiot isn't cute. I actually do it sometimes, but I wrote sooooo daaaaamn muuuch that it ends up being a very little percentage for dramatic effect. Most people can't make a coherent phrase.

Sure chatting will improve your writing, IF you try your best. BUT if you try to use shortcuts you'll get worse from bad habits.

So don't.

There's a web site called I Can Has Cheezburger? and it can be funny... but it enables and encourages people with bad spelling to embrace their mediocrity and try even harder to be the worst ignorant illiterate they can be!

In life maybe people make a hierarchy based on money, but in the internet, the world of pixels, it means nothing to me. Actually I never care about money that's probably why I'm so poor, hahaha! I don't even value how many friends people have, actually the more you have, the less likely you are to be able to give them quality time, so I consider those people greedy neglectful assholes not worth my time (and emotional neediness). I consider very literate people as "Lords". And the people who dare say the dark things in life "Evil"... So as a Evil lord, I am not impressed by the cute lameness of peasants. It gets old and boring really fast as I can feel my brain rot away.

It takes very special people to keep up with me and endure my rants, and especially to bring out my best since I'm so easy to hurt and irritate because I had enough trying to please people's bullshit.

So thank you my friends, for making me want to be an even better person, but in a good way~

Lisa Of Shades
11 December 2015

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Bad grammar cat ~ Death by dictionary

I can haz... Death by dictionary. I'll be back az Zombie Cat.

I can haz (has have) ~ Cat kitten ~ Death by dictionary ~ I'll be back az (as) zombie cat ~ Bad grammar

The description from the previous art also applies to this one.

Like I said to my friend Grumpy... I don't actually like gore... I like how much I freak out because I hate it, hahaha. That cat doesn't just look like a zombie with glowing eyes...

I put the cat's body parts in random positions after he got crushed by the dictionary.

He looks like The thing! A movie about an alien trying to shape shift to avoid being found out, but he's caught mid transformation and try several at once trying to flee, and it's freaky and terrifying like hell.

Splinter is a really terrifying horror movie to. A black pointy substance that takes over the body parts of people that it sneaks into... But it doesn't quiet understand how they work, so a guy's arm broke itself bending in the wrong direction... It takes over anything and jumbles up body parts in strange ways, who knows what might be useful, let's take a dozen of arms and put heads in random places! I don't have the courage to make the cat version... I had enough blood for a while.

Sometimes I'm worried that I'll have some burst of adrenalin (I can get that from hunger, or if I eat sugar and crap) and take it out on my friends. Letting darkness come out in a constructive manner (that will give kids and cat ladies nightmares, mwahaha!) is much safer than bottling it up in denial until it explodes on innocent loved ones, then denying that too. So yeah, I'll do creepy arts so I don't end up REALLY doing creepy things.

Enjoy~ I have mixed feelings about it... But that's what makes it fun!


*Comes back shaking from trauma with a small whimper*

I wanted to see if there was a meme about Zombie Cat... and I ended up finding a real cat who got into a car accident, got buried, crawled out of his grave, and came back home in a very sad state...

The article starts with a photo of extreme gore of another cat... I wish it was a sculpture but it seems to be a preserved remains... Taxidermy (info at wiki) is making art with animals and it reached a whole new level of creepiness. Actually I'm against it, I find it disrespectful to the animals. Some look deformed, grotesque and damn terrifying. Except maybe at museums for educational purposes... letting the living animals roam free instead of putting them in zoos.

I'll give the link to the article anyway because it's an interesting story... But it traumatized me, so if you don't enjoy torturing your soul with true facts that you'd rather not know... avoid... but if you can't handle it then you're in the wrong site, hahaha!

Zombie Cat rises from the dead in real-life pet cemetery! at moviepilot.

They refer to the movies Pet sematary and Pet sematary 2 by Stephen King. He's the only fiction author I read and he writes very good horror, even scarier than the movies. He forged my twisted mind. They knew how to scare the hell out of kids in the 90s and they didn't need 3D or HD. I read a few books about self help for health too. Nothing's scarier than lies about health care, pretending to care but are actually exploiting and murdering you.

I really loved the "Pet sematary" movies... but now I have a very hard time writing "cemetery" right... *sigh* Oh~ I just invented a trick! It's probably from the word cement because they covered graves with it ages ago or they make the grave with it... or something.

Enjoy~ Even being freaked out to death can be enjoyed with a little effort! Or madness~

Lisa Of Shades
11 December 2015

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Trust makes the difference between love and death

Insanity wolf ~ Trust makes the difference between love and death

How can someone so loving end up so hostile? The difference between ally and enemy: Trust.

I didn't write love and hate because what I feel isn't a ark passion, it's disgust and a desire to destroy a threat. There's an expression about "life and death" so I changed it. It's hard for me to resume my thoughts with so few words. But I think it expresses it well.

I found it weird yet fascinating about how I could be at my best and so utterly kind, then flip the switch and be at my worst and cruel enough to send him straight to hell. It's not sanity, love or even blood sugar that made such a huge difference... It's trust. That's what makes someone looks at an ally to protect or an enemy to destroy. He claimed that he trusted me with anything, but he didn't and kept treating me like an enemy to push away... it was all the more painful because I trusted his words... That contradiction, disappointment and pain ripped my mind & heart apart until my trust broke... and he didn't care... because he managed to claw what he wanted from me while mistrusting me... so he thought that he could still get what he wanted even though now I didn't trust him either... but I don't keep my enemies closer than my friends, I don't keep them at all. I DESTROY THEM!!!

I'll put the text I wrote about the last time I spoke with him:

He said: "Sharing I told you isn't easy for and frankly I don't want to try because when I did I got hurt enough. So bothering to try isn't something I want to do." and "I don't care if you don't trust me."

He doesn't want to share, which makes it impossible.
Especially since I don't give to people I don't trust, ad he doesn't care about my wellbeing.

It's so ridiculous that he still expects me to give him my best and devote my life for him and pamper him after he clearly spat in my face, shat on my heart and kicked me in the head.

It's not funny. It's disgusting. I'm so repulsed that I'd rather be alone. He used it as a not so subtle manipulation to scare me into submission...


I was happy until I replied him, then I felt so miserable I cried.

I don't need what he has to "offer". Like he said, it's too dull.

Taking isn't enough... bait isn't enough... If the heart isn't there... if he doesn't even care that he broke your heart and trust... Then there's nothing to do but to throw the garbage away.

You're just like your father, you didn't care that you hurt me and broke my trust and heart because you thought that you could still get what you wanted. But there's no way I would ever love someone like that. Never. I'd rather die than live in fear. I'd rather be alone than with someone who's worst than loneliness.

At the second you sent me that aggressive video instead of the embarrassing giggly one that you've deleted... I knew that you'd be as abusive and violent as your father... Because such intense hatred was your idea of saying "I love you". I feared for my life about the times where you'd want to express being displeased. I couldn't admit it or face it back then... but I knew... And I knew instantly that I never wanted to be in the same room as you. I suspected it from the start... but now how badly you'd toy with my feelings... making me believe that I owed you everything while you didn't even give me the most basic dignity, care and respect... Unable to even say that you love me... I thought that I could heal your heart with mine, I thought that I could earn your trust... But I cannot force you to do something that you choose not to... because you prefer to hurt me, because that's easier for you.

You're a threat. Get the hell away from me. Go be a real friend to the friends that you already have if you want to have someone to talk to. I'm done waiting for you to want to do more than bullshit me. I need more than an audience... I needed someone to participate equally... To share equally...

It's utterly pointless for someone who doesn't even want to try... because even if I succeed, my teammate will destroy it.

I'm better off on my own.

"I don't care if you don't trust me" because he thought that if I gave him my friendship he'd be able to get back my trust... But it's the other way around, I only give my friendship to the people I trust. So by saying that he admitted that he only want to get my friendship, and he didn't want to even try to be worthy of it and give it back.

Now I understand why I felt such intense rage that I could have hurt him... I now see his abusive mindset...

Just like his father beating him to have him do all the chores (if it was true and not a lie to manipulate and abuse me using pity)... He doesn't care how much he hurts someone, he even use it as a weapon to get what he wants.

And now all that matters to me is what I need... because clearly my wants are garbage.

I gave up on love because I had a fucked up childhood. The people capable of a healthy relationship don't want me because I don't know how to handle it and them... and the people who are interested in me are fucked up like me and we'll hurt each other at best, I'll be abused for being an easy wounded prey at worse.... again.

I chose to be alone rather than suffer from the same vicious cycles. I couldn't get out of it unless something or someone showed me better... I tried for him, I failed. I wanted to love his potential, who he could become... if he tried... But it was easier for him to just slip into the stream of tears that his father did before him... becoming him... and perpetuating the cycle of violence as something acceptable.

I don't accept this. I reject it with all my body and soul. Even if I have to reject the people I love and love itself.

But there's no way I can love someone who doesn't even want to try to stop hurting me.

I feel nothing.

If the best thing that someone can do to win my kindness is to intimidate and coerce me with threats of suicide, then they can go ahead and do it. I won't miss someone who won't even care to try to make me smile.

Good riddance.

If someone wants to use my kindness against me as a weapon to abuse me... My rational brain can take over, even my primal brain if I have to... And I have complete trust in my survival instinct.

All he had to do was to care. He would have enjoyed our time together better. All he had to do was to have the will to try... I didn't even mind if he failed miserably...

I just wanted him to care about me... and not just about what he could take from me...

Now I don't care about either.

I didn't expect him to protect me against the whole world and life itself... my challenges are mine to overcome and grow from them...

I just wanted him to care enough about my well being to try to protect me from himself.

He didn't even take care of his own stuff... and now I am no longer his... but I was always mine anyway... I'm not a thing to own, my life was always mine to share.

I wanted to share myself... he didn't. That's not a balanced or fair relationship. I neither want nor need someone who doesn't want me to know him and doesn't care if he hurts me. That's not even an acquaintance.

He didn't want to try. He's unwilling to offer anything. He won't earn anything. There's no deal being made whatsoever. End of story.

I don't want to be his mommy, pampering a helpless baby, who just shit and cry.

I just plain don't want to.

I wanted a partner, an ally, who'd care about me and who'd at least pull his share or his own weight...

He's just a pain in the ass. A burden. A blood sucking leech.

Find yourself some self absorb narcissist who'd only want someone to listen to them and who won't give a shit about who you are. Then you'll be a perfect match.

I wasn't. I'm very happy about that... Because the shit that I've done shames me... and I'll work on my codependency... I rewarded his neediness too instead to encourage being independent... I rewarded being soul sucking...

I want to be a better person... and this is why I'm moving on.

And especially since he doesn't care if he hurts me. He clearly doesn't care about me. But I care about myself!!! Someone has to, and I'm the best person for the job!

You're fired. I'm not going to reward somebody who doesn't even try to do his job.

Not even trying is the lamest failure of them all... Because you didn't just fail your desires... you failed yourself and life itself.

Even as a crazy invalid, I can still have dignity and succeed at life. Well, I tried. But now I'm done.

Since he didn't want to try from the start and never intended to return what he asked and took... he got more than he deserved... and asking me for more after spitting on my pain... *shakes head* I'd rather eat worms than his bullshit.

That's the problem with mistrust, even the good looks like utter shit. And I'm sick of being looked at that way by him. Now I see him through the eyes of mistrust... and I don't even want to bother talking or listening to him at all.

I begged and cried but gave him everything he wanted so he didn't give a damn. He only made vague promises mixed with the brutal truth of how much he doesn't care about my trust and giving me anything back... Clearly if he didn't want to do it when I was crying, he doesn't mean it and only want to get back his privileges, without ever giving them to me.

Now that I think about it... He never apologized for hurting my feelings... he only demanded what he wanted... He even said that he didn't care...

I feel devastated...

It means that all his beautiful arts and long words where made without love... only a manipulation to get more out of me, and he even admitted it... that the more he gives, the more he gets... But it felt empty... it felt like something was missing...

Because he didn't care about me... He didn't trust me... he didn't love me...

He mistrusted me so badly he wouldn't even hug me at first, and wouldn't even tell me that he loves me unless I said it...

The torture of being given love without actual love... I think this is it... I lost the last shred of sanity that I had left...

I curse myself to never be loved again... to never love again... because being treated with hatred by someone who asks my love is worse than anything... It's like a rape for the soul... at least he was too far away to touch my body...

All l I ever wanted in life... was to be loved... to be wanted... but the only thing that people's heart can do is take... hurt... and not care because it didn't hurt them...

But a broken heart cannot love anymore. Dumbass.

Trust is someone's very capacity to love... This is what you denied me... and this is what you broke... this is what you said that you don't care about...

NO. You cannot have what YOU DESTROYED anymore!

If you refuse to understand the obvious, I'll let you guess why.

But worse... you never intended to share from the start... so I woke up to realize that it was one sided, abusive, and that I've been wasting my time...

I just wanted to be cared about... I just wanted not to be hurt... I opened my heart and trusted you and got attacked in that video... You never even tried...

You got 10 months of free ride.

For me I was doomed from the start and spent 10 months torn by despair and the slow agony of realizing that you never intended to give back what you said you wanted in the first place...

Until the end, you said that you want more from me... You never said that you care whether that would destroy me or not... but you said that you didn't care... because you thought that you could get what you wanted anyway... because it was easier for you this way.

Easier for you to hurt me sharing nothing while taking everything.

I'm so horrified... that I'm happy that your father beat the shit out of you.

But I think you lied... like everything else. But since I'm too hurt to trust you, the truth makes no difference now... because even if you genuinely cared and loved me, I wouldn't believe a word... And this is the hell that you put me through... while I begged and cried for you to open me your heart...

I was there online... but you never let me in on a much deeper level.

People consider closeness by how physically close they are.

To me... it's how close they are to your heart and mind and able to hurt you...

I wish you had cared for me and to keep me as someone to trust, care for and love... not as someone to mistrust, keep out and abuse from...

You're hurt either way by losing me... but if you had dared to try... to trust and love me... maybe you wouldn't have had to lose me... maybe I wouldn't have been forced to deny myself what I wanted... to protect my needs, health and very life...

And that is as thorn as a heart can get...

The last thing that I emailed him, I allowed myself to become sincerely evil:

I'm going to explain you how I feel so maybe it can help you move on.
I didn't mention the email where you shared because I didn't care about it.

It was everything that I begged and suffered for... for almost a year... You shared, opened up, made an effort to find topics, got original, funny, entertaining...

And I didn't give a shit.

Because it's too late. As nice as it was, it wasn't worth the hell that you put me through... Trying hard to win your trust, to encourage you... suffering, begging, crying... Now that I finally have it... it wasn't worth the price that you made me pay for it.

It's too late.

When you mentioned suicide, it was to manipulate me emotionally, using my care for you as a weapon against me. I didn't fall for it. I didn't hug you, pampered you, comforted you, said that your life is important... Not just because I knew that it was just bullshit and that you don't have the guts to even share your hobbies... I could have fell for it caring enough to not take the risk of seeing you kill yourself.

I didn't fall for your manipulation because I didn't care if you killed yourself. It's your own life, your responsibility, you do whatever you want with it, and if you're miserable, it's your fault,
your problem, and I don't want to help you anymore, because you didn't return the favor, you let me suffer, you didn't care.

When you said that your father came to beat you up while you cried, I didn't fall for that emotional manipulation either. Because I was happy that he made you suffer.

That's how much you tormented me by asking for something but refusing to even try to give it...

That's how much I despise you.

You're not the only monster in that story. The difference is that I won't try to claw what I want from someone I don't care to hurt.

Unlike you... I'm trying to stop hurting you.

You didn't try when you had the chance.

Now you can't get back my affection. Because it's GONE.

But at least you had it... You cannot imagine my horror to have discovered that you never even tried all along... That you never wanted to... ever... and that all the gifts that I thought where token of love where just bait, worms on a hook... and there was no actual love behind it... because when you had the choice between giving me a video full of embarrassing love and risk being hurt, or save your pride and give me hatred by hurting me... You chose to hurt me, you chose hatred.

And on Valentine's day... it was your chance to undo the damage, but you thought that it was more important to beat me... Instead to try to make a decent drawing, you used emotional manipulation to coerce me into getting pampered...

I disgust myself because I did! I rewarded you for cruel abusive manipulative behavior. I should have kicked your face! After that, I never wanted to hug you again; I just wanted to hurt you... And a week later... when I gave you the chance to convince me otherwise one last time... you clearly told me that you never opened your heart for me, you took my love, but you didn't bother to return it.

And today... I came to delete my emails... but when I saw that you replied even today after all this time... I thought that maybe you care after all...

But you said that you don't care that you broke my trust... because you think that you can get what you want anyway... even if I'm hurt... even if I lost my trust... my very capacity to love and care... and this is what you denied me all along... this is why I was suffering...

You rejected me... every opportunities that I gave you, you used it to tell me how much you don't want to try, that you see me as a friend, even though you insisted that I give you more than you where willing to return... You told me that you don't care about me. You never said that you're sorry that I was in pain... you kept telling me what YOU want, and never gave a damn if it meant hurting me, making me sick and sad... You wouldn't return it... you wouldn't even try to spare me pain.

And you think that you have the right to ask anything of me?

You disgust me so much I can't even describe.

You refuse to even understand why this is abusive.

If you coerce someone against their will to gain more than they can give, at the peril of their safety, without intending to return the favor... it's not just selfish, it's manipulative, abusive and
emotionally violent.

And I was wrong to reward this behavior.

You refuse to share a fair deal, you want me to make all the efforts while you get all the rewards. And you think that I should agree to get hurt just because you want to!?

There's nothing in it for me.


Go be a better friend to your offline friends. We're done here. The only thing you can get from me is the pain that you gave me... and believe me, you don't want that.

So thank you for the bait... but unless you trust me enough to open me your heart... unless you care enough about me to at least TRY to avoid hurting me... then you don't love me, you just love abusing me... and that makes me want to hurt you.

You had 10 months to show me that you care about me. Now that I no longer trust you, even if you where to be sincere, it would look like a shitty lie. Even if you gave me genuine love, I wouldn't welcome it. This is the hell that you put me through by refusing to try to trust me. It was unbearable torture... and to the very end... you preferred to hurt me because it was easier that way. Go to hell.


It felt so good and liberating. I really should stop trying to be so polite and spare people pain. I acknowledged him as a threat, and he used suicide threats to manipulate me... You want to kill my enemy... Thanks! Fool.

It's the same about my family... they tortured me mentally and even physically... When I finally had the proof that I was genuinely sick, and not crazy and lazy, they told me that I deserve to suffer. That's the day I finally realized that I never deserved any of the pain they claimed that was for my own good out of love, they did it because they're awful cruel people and enjoyed hurting me. They are a threat to my very life, because they stressed me so much that I was in fight or flight mode, I could never enter healing mode...

So it drained my adrenals and I got so sick, I literally almost physically died... And it has to be very dangerous to finally show up on tests... otherwise doctors don't bother to take it seriously, it's either completely okay or completely sick to them... and the long agony in between was worst than death... When I finally realized that my family's mental violence was LITERALLY killing me... I acknowledged them as a threat... They claimed to love me to feel good about what they did, but they where murdering me slowly and viciously. Every single cell of my body screamed to murder them right back before it's to late for me, when they said that they think that I deserve to suffer, when they showed me how careless and even glad they where, I wanted to kill them... to inflict on them the decades of sheer agony that they did to me... in one shot, which would have killed them instantly... which would have been more merciful than what they did to me...

I wish I had been aborted instead of tortured until I'm too destroyed to function, and trained to be the perfect devoted slave for the worst abusive people... I wanted to kill them so badly, but I love freedom even more, thankfully, kicking them out of my life achieved the same goal: stopping them from sucking the life out of me and damaging my mental and physical health. I healed a whole lot after that.

They kept trying to contact me, even though they ignored me before, because now it was no longer on their terms and it made them feel bad, they wanted back my love and admiration, like the joy of kicking someone when they're down. Now I was looking down on them, and they wanted to butter me up so I'd come back to flatter their ego and be their punching bag. Even though my mother never wanted to see me again since a decade and my aunt told me that I deserve to suffer just because I'm sick... Monsters. I hanged the phone on them.

I wrote them letters describing how awful they've been to me and hw unacceptable it is. They refused to apologize, tried to bribe me into docile kindness by giving me more money. A lot of it. I sent back the check. It was to show their power and look down on me and get endless thanks, it wasn't because they cared or she'd have apologized instead. My mother sent me a card and a few bucks but she refused to see me when I was crying and begging. She was just buying feeling like the best mom ever even though she let my sister starve homeless and be abused in a mental institution after watching her lover drown... If that's a great mom, I'd rather be an orphan.

I hate gifts because of this. My family would give me some crappy toys but then they'd invalidate and mock everything that I think, feel and am, even violently... Gifts aren't love... they're bribes to own you and do whatever they please with you... Like a husband who cheat on his wife and make her cry risking to give her aids, and letting her know that she's not good enough by herself... But then he buys her some flower or jewelry to shut her up, give her the illusion that she's loved, buying her compliance so he can go fuck whoever he wants... because she's scared to end up poorer on her own. But nothing is more valuable than dignity.

I hate gifts, but when he gave me arts, I thought they where expressions of emotions... not replacing emotions with things to buy me like a whore and take what he wanted from me without actually getting emotionally involved... It's ridiculous to care so much about anyone, especially a long distance relationship... But this is the kind of person I am and I am proud of it. I am a real person on this side of the computer, and I acknowledge him as a real person as well.

How is it less real because we are separated by some space and screens? How is a phone call less real? How is being face to face but ignoring each other by playing on our phones more real... Everything is real to me, even the voice of reason in my head, by I am aware that it's a different level of reality, but it's still very real. Even movies are real, real movies with real people giving real emotions, even if it's just a play. Even my imagination is real, because it's there in my head and I feel it. But of course imagining a dragon isn't the same level of reality as being punched in the face... But nightmares can be painful too.

So to me an online relationship was real, and I gave everything I've got to make it as real as it could be... That's the best that I could give, the best that I could get in my situation, so I did my best to nurture and appreciate it. Being unable to do things offline together made it sadder to be limited, but not less real... But I did my best to enjoy it as much as I could. To compensate for what we couldn't do and not let it stop us or depress us, I was ready to do my best for what we could.

But to him it was just a nice dream and he just wanted to sit back in his chair and stare at it like a movie without fully participating. He wouldn't even try but then he whined that he didn't get the reward... He focused on what he didn't get instead of appreciating or at least try to reach better... He wasted his energy making it worse, and wasted my energy making it harder for me by refusing to cooperate. He acted mediocre but I didn't complain in self pity, I did my best to appreciate... but HE DID!!! Even though I only gave him reasons to rejoice... He spat on them, he even used them as an excuse to feel depressed... All he was willing to share was pain, sadness and mediocrity. He had too much pride to share a happy video or the hobbies that made him happy... But he had no problem throwing his pride away by sharing depressing stuff...

He showered me with the bad to manipulate me, which might even be a lie... and he denied me the happy things... WHAT THE HELL!!!? He gave me misery... and I tried to improve it... but he kept shitting on my gifts... I ended up exhausted... frustrated... heartbroken... and when I finally understood that he was doing this shit on purpose... because it was easier that way... easier to hurt me... easier to abuse me... easier to dwell in pain and mediocrity without even trying to become a better person... I wanted to murder him. I showered him with love to inspire him to reach higher, he used it as a weapon to abuse me without returning the favor... to become his favor... beating the shit out of him so he'd do all the chore without helping, feeling powerful enjoying his suffering. THAT'S WHAT HE DID TO ME!!!

I can't forgive him for trying to fool me. And I can't ever accept to give my care to someone who doesn't. I always fall in the same patterns, so I'd rather not try. But I think it got this bad because he's a manipulative person who slowly dragged me into something that I didn't want even though he knew that I didn't want to and that it would be dangerously exhausting for my health.

I saw that I am more capable than I thought and healed a lot, but I'll get sick again if I am not careful. I ended up noticing that I had no energy left to cope with the unexpected problems in my life if I gave him everything that I could. I felt guilty to not be able to keep up even though he could with so many activities and duties in his life... But that just gave me frustrations and I resent him so I should have put myself first... I kept thinking "how long am I going to be able to keep this up... I'd rather get a job if I have that much energy and can be reliable everyday... it's like a 7 days a week job, it's too much..."

I forced myself and ended writing way too much by going berserk from an adrenalin rush in exhaustion... That's how much I was trying to spare him pain... to make him feel loved... I even gave up my web site expect to make arts for him... I even got rid of aquariums because I didn't have the energy left to take care of my pets... that might be why they all got massively sick and many died... And while I was doing that for him... He didn't care about breaking my trust... he didn't want to share back... He aggressively rejected me when I found online ways to do what he wished offline, to be closer and somehow meet with videos...

He wouldn't show his face by pressing a button, he wouldn't move to a different country with an expensive plane... He didn't have the courage to realize his own wishes... it's not the fact that he didn't grant mine that broke me so much... it's that I was trying to grant his... but he spat on my efforts. Cry you little shit, cry and die alone. Or live and become a better person to the offline friends that you had all along. Either way your life is no longer my problem. I never should have had the arrogance to think that I could make it better, when I needed all my strength just to barely survive. He took it... he took the energy that I needed to live, knowing I was at death door... and he could have killed me with abuse. He destroyed my trust, he broke my heart, he hurt me, and he still didn't care... because he thought that he could get what he wanted anyway.

I am so beyond disgusted. It's ridiculous. It's childish. I allowed this. So I can end it. And this is the end. He's dead to me.

And I am enjoying my new beginning~
Lisa Of Shades
Image: 26 March 2016
Text: 27 March 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Alone but no longer lonely

You're worse than being alone. You make me feel lonely.

Insanity wolf ~ You're worse than being alone. You make me feel lonely.

I also made more arts there: Relationships gone bad

Making angry spiteful posters about how bad he makes me feel is the only fun that he can inspire me, but I'm weary of that too.

Tij kept emailing me everyday for the past 2 months even though I wouldn't reply him, told him to stop and that I added a filter to send his messages straight to the trash. Today, the 18 April 2016, he used a different email to make sure to force himself on me against my will. This is harassment, it's disrespectful and abusive. It didn't earn him another chance to hurt me, it disgusted me even more. I'll never read his bullshit again. I'll make a new email if I have to. He must stop trying to contact me, shut up and stay away from me forever. He's just making it worse. He gave me enough pain, more than I could bear. Seeing him again was dreadful and really upset me. I he cared about me at least a little, he'd respect my feelings and decision, instead of trying to coerce me with emotional manipulations. I don't miss him at all. I'm even starting to regret ever meeting him. I don't want him in my life anymore.

Update 20 April 2016:

The problem with Tij is that what he doesn't act according to what he says. I need someone reliable and trustworthy, not someone who'll mislead, lie, manipulate and bullshit me. I need reality even if it's bad, not deluding myself with beautiful dreams that will never come true. It wouldn't have been bearable if he promised more than he could deliver with a good will. But he asked for more than he wanted to even try to give, he had no intention of even trying, he was leading me on. I can't ever trust him again because I shouldn't have trusted him in the first place. And now that I know how he is... I'm not interested to be fooled, toyed with and abused. I am crazy... and I always say it with pride... because I am LUCID. And I intend to keep it that way. I will not tolerate someone in my life who messes with my head, and I certainly won't allow them into my heart. He already got more than he was willing to give, more than he was willing to earn and deserve... More than he wanted to share... He kept saying that he doesn't want to share and that he's too boring to be known. Now I agree. I don't want to share with him either, not at all, and I don't want to know him. I don't want him in my life. I want him gone.

He doesn't even deserve an explanation, I should have vanished and ignored him... because instead to try to better himself and learn from my feelings and this loss... He used it as an opportunity to bullshit me even more... He contradicted himself constantly and blamed me for it, while I wasn't even there to cause it. He disgusts me. My site's name is a pun for bullshit. I started this site hoping to make tutorial to teach some sense into people and improve the world. I won't tolerate someone who deliberately bullshit me to mess with my head, toy with my heart, and exploit me to get attention and affection when he doesn't want to bother to share back.

Tij refuses to understand, he refuses to respect my feelings... he doesn't even want to try. I have no reason to give him anything, not even for my own satisfaction, because I feel happier without him.

There is far worse than being alone: He made me feel lonely.

I enjoy myself better without him.

I want him to stay away from me. I can't control what he'll try to do, but I can control how I'll react:

Avoid, ignore, forget.
Lisa Of Shades
Image:20 April 2016
Text: 18+20 April 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Suicide threats

Threatens to commit suicide to manipulate you. Thanks! Good riddance.

Insanity wolf ~ Threatens to commit suicide to manipulate you. Thanks! Good riddance. ~ Kill yourself

This is about false suicide threats, not a genuine desire to die because we're in more pain than we can handle. There's a huge difference between someone who's so exhausted and malnourished that their endocrine system and vital organs are shutting down, and someone who refuses to try but then use death threats to guilt trip you into making extreme efforts for them... When I was beyond sick, people wouldn't take me seriously because it wasn't visible...

The only good resource I had was the suicide hot line, and not always, sometimes they refused me because I wasn't in the middle of an actual suicide... We should take people's feelings more seriously, not wait until they're past their breaking point to give them respect and dignity. My friend broke me then got sad because I wouldn't give him what he DENIED ME anymore. I was at death's door, a sick invalid, and he pulled my emotional strings until I spent more time and energy taking care of him than my own life and recovery!!! And HE dared to threaten suicide when I was clinging to life desperately trying not to think about it...

Then he laughed that it's just stupid... Yeah, the asshole, he never tasted something worse than death yet... but using suicide threats to manipulate someone who did is beyond despicable. Either way I don't want his life to be my problem anymore. I need all my energy to take care of myself. He's not worth the sacrifice; he won't do the same for me... because it's easier to make me suffer and let me cry. He's not even worth a drop.

He can kill himself as much as he wants. It's his life, he can do whatever he wants with it. Away from mine because I don't want him in my life. And I do whatever I want with my own life.

He harassed me by email, I hope that he's not stalking my site too. I'm so glad that I never programmed a comment option... I'd have so much shit to clean.

He can go beg his dad for love and attention. He'd have more chances to get it from him than from me. That's how much I resent him.

Fuck off.

I'm going to forget about him again soon. I needed to vent how much it upset me to see him again... I have better things to do, and even better friends to enjoy. But I neglect them because I need some time alone... so I sure as hell won't give my time to a manipulative liar who refuses to try and even made me cry... harasses me and even threatened me with death... Trying to guilt trip me into pampering him using pity and suicide threats... If only it was true~ But even the friendship wasn't. That's not the way we threat a loved one, no good can compensate for something so vile, I sure as hell don't even like him.

*Shudders with disgust*

I'm tired of all that lovey dovey stuff anyway. That's not my style.

I resent him for making me dream. When reality came crashing down on me, when he didn't live up to it and didn't even try, I noticed that what he gave me was actually nightmares.

I'd rather enjoy true horror than phony bullshit.

I would have been happy with less if it matched with his promises... because he wouldn't constantly raise my expectations too high and let me down... but it meant that I'd devote myself less and give less... so he didn't want that... He thought that it's be easier to let me do all the efforts to open up and share while he enjoyed the results, even though it made me constantly frustrated, rejected, pushed away... Easier to fool me... Easier to mess with my head... Easier to toy with my heart...

Because of selfish greed and dishonesty he lost everything. The irony is that he didn't have to do it; I was ready to accept the brutal truth... I rejected him because he deliberately tried to make a fool out of me, he made me less than what I was trying to be by misusing the gift that I gave him: my trust... and using my heart as a weapon against me to exploit me one sided at my peril. I was ready to appreciate anything as long as it was true... even if it was little... I was ready to welcome his flaws... But I will never allow him back because he LIED.

He didn't want to make an effort even when I was so hurt and sad that I cried... And I was sad because he said that he didn't want to share with me... Sharing means BOTH giving AND receiving. He thought that he could gain without making the effort to bother... That only big empty promises and a beautiful dream, false hope to run after like a carrot on a stick that you can never reach... distracting you from the fact that he's riding you and misleading you... It's despicable. And I despise him.

He thought that it'd be easier to let me do all the efforts, all the sharing... he thought that he could fool me forever... he thought that I'd accept to be abused out of fear of being alone.

I faced death and won. I faced utter loneliness and found happiness. What I fear is stupidity, lies, ignorance and bullshit. Phony empty people like him don't belong in the life that I chose for myself. The people that we let in our life influence us and forge who we are... I didn't like the person that I became when I was with him. I was weak, needy, scared, lonely, feeling guilty to do what I needed if he wanted different... I was codependent and I hated it. I ripped out the part of my heart that belonged to him, and it was hard and painful, I had to resist running back like an addict... I overcame many addictions before, I gave up all grains, corn, sugar, all processed foods except cheese... I gave up my entire family...

I can overcome addiction, grief, pain and loneliness.

In a way it's good that I had so much painful practice in my life, that way I don't get stuck in painful situations, when the bad isn't worth the good... especially when the good is just a lie to do something badly abusive. I am responsible for letting it happen, it's tempting to deny it because it hurts my ego... but admitting it means that I acknowledge my power...

I did it, therefore I can undo it. I allowed it, I can forbid it. I started it, and I can stop it.

I ripped him out of my heart like a blood sucking slug and I feel so much better. I don't want to go back. I pity the people who will live their entire life this way, who stay with people they don't love and who make them feel miserable, because they are scared of change. Change is confusing, it makes us feel lost, it's scary, it's the death of something and it really hurts to grieve... Even getting rid of what we loathe and what destroys us is difficult, letting go of what is familiar, it's comforting even when it's horrible... A part of me died so I could move on... And a new part of me was born.

Stronger, better, freer.

I am glad of my decision. I have no regrets. I'm not going back to him. I make my own efforts for myself now. I don't let anyone abuse me. That's what my anger (my "wolf side") is for... self preservation.

He might be more important than me in his own life, but he is not so in mine. I am! And I refuse to listen to someone who wants to make me believe otherwise. It's demeaning! Using self depreciation, self pity, whining... If he's so helpless, then he should do like me and learn better, not be dependent on others like a burden. I owe him NOTHING. There's nothing in it for me. I won't waste my energy any longer on someone who refuses to try, and isn't sincere when he does, doing it to get me back with manipulations... and not to make me smile with love. He was too embarrassed to say that he likes me. But he wasn't embarrassed to give me hatred and to make me cry.

The end happened a long time ago... I was just clinging to a dead relationship... to my dead heart... to my dead dreams... to my dead trust.

I got rid of the poison that is his presence and his contradicting bullshit. I'm happy at last, by my own efforts, and I finally feel love and dignity. Because I stopped giving it away to someone who refused to share it, only wanting to claw it away with lies.

He sucked all the life out of me, and now I took my life back. I am alive again!

He said that it's natural that he's not making the effort to open up and share because we only know each other for almost a year... A YEAR and I barely know his simple hobbies or who he is... He said that his friends still don't know much and he know them for almost a decade (or something) I'm not going to be pushed away coldly every time I try to build a warm relationship for a fucking decade!!! I told him to go talk to his offline friends if he wants someone to talk to... to be a better friend for them and to get closer... He doesn't want to. And his friends don't bother either. He prefers my way but won't give it back. He hate being treated the way he threats me, he doesn't like his friends... and I don't like him either! I've been way too patient, he never intended to try, I'm done wasting my energy. So done.

If I could do "Control + Z" to undo my time with him and get back all the energy and love that I've wasted I would! I guess he served a purpose at the time and I had something to learn from the experience. That time is over. I don't need him anymore. I don't even want him. There is nothing I loathe more in this world than lies... and that's all he gave me.

He thinks that if I go back with him that he'd win back my trust... But just because I give it doesn't mean that he earns, respects and deserves it. He never deserved my trust and he never will. That's who he is, who he chose to be, and I dislike him I don't want him to influence me to gain things from me, and I sure as hell don't want him to influence me into becoming someone that I dislike.

I gave him plenty of chances, I begged crying... he didn't care. And now I don't care that he begs and feel sad because I know it's not sincere, he misses abusing me, he never loved me as a person to care for. He exploited my heart deliberately, past my limit, knowing that it was hurting me, knowing that I was crying... and he refused to stop... he refused to make an effort, he refused to try. I should have stopped sooner... He truly came after me when I was vulnerable and wanted to exploit me like a cornered animal after I lost my friends... He wants another chance to claw whatever he wants from me without making the effort to share and RECIPROCATE. I got rid of way better friends than him for far crimes against me and far sooner... He's not getting another chance. I know what he wants to do with it. And there's nothing good for me.

He toyed with my head and heart. Game over.

I'm too old for his childish bullshit. I've been through this nightmare far too many times before. I'm so done.

Lies are worse than nothing. They take you away from something genuine and truly good... It's better to have nothing because then there is space to welcome it when we finally find it... I will nurture it inside of me. I will at least be honest with myself. The truth is... I'm not happy with him. I don't feel cared about and loved, I feel abused and threatened. It doesn't matter whether I'm wrong or not... This is how he makes me feel... Whether I'm right or wrong about him, he fails at making me feel happy, and he makes me feel miserable... It became worse and worse as it piled up, as I slowly noticed that the promises would never come true, that he never intended to try from the start, that there would be no end to my disappointment unless I stop trusting him, stop listening to his bullshit, and end my relationship with him completely.

The end.
Lisa Of Shades
20 April 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Game over

You toyed with my head & heart. Game over!

Insanity wolf ~ You toyed with my head & heart. Game over! ~ lies, abuse, manipulations, deceit, false hope, disappointment

He thought that it would be easier this way... bait me with false hope without even trying but making me think that he does... while taking and not giving. But a balanced relationship isn't that way... that's abuse. He thought that he could get much more than he deserve without efforts that way... But it's the easiest way to destroy the trust, love and relationship that was possible... before he shat all over it.

Treating people like toys and breaking them so hard that he makes them cry... then crying because he lost them.

He deliberately destroyed what he had with neglect and abuse.

So he can go ahead and cry, the little shit.

Karma right back at him. Sweet justice.

Finding happiness alone away from someone who doesn't care to make you cry, denying them everything good that you could have shared if they reciprocated sincerely. Now that I think about it, moving on and being happy is probably the best revenge.

I am so happy to be without him. He was right, he's too boring to bother knowing and sharing with him. I should have agreed at he second he said that. I would have avoided so much pain.

Better late than never.

Never again. Not with him, some other human deserves a chance to make me believe in humanity, friendship, trust, love... A manipulative liar only made my misanthropy worse.

I don't care if humanity goes extinct; I think the planet would be better off. I wouldn't spare an emotional manipulator, so I sure wouldn't devote the best that I have to offer to someone so vile, giving past my limit because he refuses to respect my well being, neglecting my own needs in the process.

Why the hell did I do that!? Well played. That asshole sure made a fool out of me and exploited me good. Turning me into the most devoted codependent slave by pulling the strings of my heart like a puppet, using my cares for him as a weapon to exploit me...

I thought that he made me dream for the future again... but I finally noticed that he was giving me a nightmare in the present...

And I woke up.

He thought that it would be easier to fool someone forever...

Abraham Lincoln said:

"You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time."

I'm no fool, he tried to make a fool out of me. What I despise most... But I loathe him even more.

I had to give euthanasia to some of my pet fishes because they where too sick... I had to kill them... and I live with the death of loved ones on my conscience.

If I can do that, I can kick out someone hurtful out of my life. Unlike killing which can make you loose your freedom, ignoring someone doesn't require much of an effort, you have to resist the coercion but you just don't have to do anything. I discovered the "Report spam" button. The only reason I opened his 2nd email was to copy his address and make a new filter to send it to the trash. But the spam button does it automatically without opening the emails. So I never will open or read them again, even if he makes a new address everyday, I'll ignore it. Even if he tries to mail me, I won't open it. If he tries to call me, I'll do what I did to my mother and I'll close the phone without a word. If he had any respect for me whatsoever, any cares, he wouldn't try to contact me against my will. He's basically raping my email box. He's harassing me.

I read it to make sure that I wasn't doing a mistake. I got even more convinced that I'm made the right decision by running away from him to save my life.

Every time that I gave him another chance he made my pain even worse. He never even tried to understand what he put me through or care enough to compromise, by giving more of himself or taking less of my heart. he wanted everything while giving nothing but shallow images and text. He wanted a deep meaningful relationship without taking the risks and making the efforts... But we had to work together so my efforts where wasted... He kept rejecting me every time I tried to make his own dreams come true... even aggressively...

What he wrote was just the usual bullshit: making demands that would hurt me and not giving a shit about me... demanding by trying to manipulate with guilt, claiming that I have no choice, because he made the effort to demand it so he thinks he deserves it and that I owe him, but that's just rude, he's not giving me anything he's merely trying to take... Promising grandiose ides while refusing to make any effort whatsoever. Complete contradictions. No logic whatsoever.

He just repeated "GIMME GIMME GIMME! I'll give you anything you want but I don't want to bother so I won't."

Really, that's how fast he contradicted himself and admitted that he'd just trying to fool me to get whatever he wants, and doesn't give a shit if I get nothing but pain in the process, because he can always lie harder. He's sure that if I agree to give him another chance, he'll claw more and more until he gets everything he wants again... That's what he did to me, he slowly dragged me to do more and more of what he wanted, while refusing to open up and share... He took everything while refusing to even try anything... It was torture for me. What he said and didn't was completely different... At first I was confused but now I understand why: Behind that wall, he's full of shit.

He's so incoherent that he doesn't even see the difference between the truth and his own lie, so no matter how hard I tried to explain him... He didn't want to see it, he didn't care about me, he just wanted to get his toy back and break me some more... Because it's easier for him to abuse me than to bother nurturing me and the relationship. He admitted it. And it's easier for his dad to beat him up instead to help with the chores. But maybe he's so selfish than being beaten is the only way that he'd do something for another person. Begging, crying, walking away... It never motivated him to try. I can do my own arts, I can write my own text... What I needed was to connect with someone else's genuine soul... That's the only thing I wanted... He kept rejecting me... He just wanted a servant not a partner. He was just dead weight, sucking my life away...

When he refused to share, I thought that I disliked him for being shy or an introvert and I didn't want to reject him for that... But now I understand that he doesn't want to share because he prefers to abuse me by making me do all the efforts while he doesn't bother. The reason why he disgusts me so much is because he's manipulative and abusive.

Lying, deceiving, manipulating, guilt tripping, refusing to share, being even more boring as he claimed to be... taking more than he wants to give... trying to fool me to do something so unfair on purpose... betraying my trust, ignoring my feelings so much that he thinks I'm happy while I'm crying... I was miserable... I kept begging. He had everything he could possibly want, I gave it to him whether he'd open his heart with me or not... So he didn't bother because he had the rewards anyway... He thought that I'd be stupid enough to accept that forever... when I begged him constantly and slowly withered away. I ran out of patience... I saw that he never intended to from the start... and the rage I felt was way more powerful than the love I thought I had.

Being manipulated and abused... I didn't miss it and I never will. Not even from my own family, so certainly not from a stranger.

In his last message I read, his last hope by trying with a different email, I could feel the pressure, the coercion, the emotional manipulation... But I didn't feel any care for me, any desire to do anything differently if given the chance; he refused to acknowledge my feelings. He was in such denial that he replied everyday as if I never left... That's really unhealthy and I don't want to be near someone like that. If he wants to prolong his suffering by refusing to move on that's his problem. But I refuse to let him prolong the suffering that he gave me. He refused to open up and share, then he can do that alone.

I'm not sorry for him. He did this to himself. He did this to me. For the longest time I was suffering and he ignored my pain, now the roles are reversed and I couldn't be happier!

He should have tried when he had the chance. He didn't, any more chances would be wasted on him. He made me waste enough already.

*shakes head disgusted* So much devotion, kindness, cares and love... given to someone who preferred to toy with my head and feelings than make the effort to share for real.

I can't undo the past. But I am denying him the present and the future.

He refused to stop hurting me and I can't change him. But I can stop myself from being near him. I have that power because I take control of my own life. I take responsibility for what I do and the consequences.

I have so much more to give. And I will give it to myself and the people who won't betray my trust.

His free trial period is over and he refused to give me back what I give him, draining me until I become empty. Someone else will. If not, I am very happy by myself, not being toyed with.

Game over.

I didn't write this because I still care, I don't care about him, otherwise I would have emailed it. I wrote it because I am angry that he tried to force himself on me with another email to make sure to harass me. I care about myself, I care about not being harassed. But I couldn't care less about who is disrespecting me. Family, lover, friend, acquaintance... It doesn't matter. At the second they hurt me, they become a threat to my well being. I acknowledged him as a threat, and that takes a lot of pain, I see him as nothing else. I never will again.

I don't love him anymore... In fact I think I never loved him. That's why refusing to open up, let someone know you, and deciding to manipulate and lie is so wrong... Because all along I wasn't loving him... I was loving a lie. I never loved him. I never shared love. I was just being fooled.

I have nothing to go back to, because it was never real. The only love that was real for sure is the one I felt... I don't need a liar to feel self love and be happy. In fact... he's just ruining my good mood.

I think that he could have made me happy if he tried. But he refused. It was easier to make me cry.

And after acknowledging what was truly going on between us (nothing)... what I was actually gaining from it (crap) and losing (my time and well being)... After weighting the pros and cons (giving him too much completely exhausted while he refused to even try to share and reciprocate the favor)... and the type of person that his choices, words and actions made him (abusive emotional manipulator)...

Sometimes what we believe to be a comfort zone is the most uncomfortable place to be.

He liked me so much because I gave him everything that he refused to make an effort to give. Then he gave me no reason to like him and no reason to stay. Instead... he gave me reasons to run for my life, because my needs where rejected while I was exploited for his wants into exhaustion. It's an unfair deal to such an intense degree... I didn't see it because he shared the same amount of text and images... Showering me with easy gifts to avoid making the efforts and risks to give me something truly meaningful. He gave me something shallow while I tried to offer him the deepest depth of my soul... That's why he liked me so much and felt so loved and warm... and that's why I didn't.

That's what I kept begging him for... Not more time and things... just to let me know him more... so I could love him more and be closer to him... THAT'S what he rejected by refusing to try to share: the very thing that he wanted most... He denied his heart to me and he threw mine away... It was torture and stopping to fight against the consequences of his choices was liberating. I couldn't build a relationship alone, it takes two people, and he refused to share... Because seeing me try in vain was good enough for him, seeing me suffer by wasting me efforts against a cold wall who wouldn't even try to reciprocate was easier for him... Dooming us to misery was his choice not mine. I merely stopped to exhaust myself trying to force my love on someone who wouldn't even make the effort of opening his heart to welcome it. Someone who'd reject and be angry at me for trying to make his wish come true, because it was easier for him to dream lies and do nothing... Then there's no future together, and our present was as fake as the past was just a hopeless lie.

It can be hard to admit that we where wasting so much efforts... but it's even harder to continue wasting them. So I preferred to face the truth and do something about it. Even the torment of crying in grief for what never will be, and worse, what never was... was better than staying with him and letting him continue to hurt me... and constantly disappoint me by promising more than he intent to deliver... to take more than he want to bother giving... That is what made me loathe humanity enough to wish to become extinct. I thought that he was the proof that humanity had god people in it... but he just showed me how the best love can merely be used to dissimulate the worst intentions.

I let go of the hope for the future and looked at the present... And it couldn't be called a gift.

I just felt abused.

It's so easy for me to leave someone who doesn't care that he makes me cry, unless he loses what he wants from me. That's not sincere. I told him before but he didn't care until I left. Then he never cared about me, only about how much he could abuse me.

I'll never give him the chance to hurt me again. There's no way I can have affection for someone like that even if I came back.

I won't. I tried, I did my best and beyond, I already gave everything that I could. It wasn't good enough for him to think that I deserved to bother to make an effort. I quit.

I enjoy my life so much better without him. I wouldn't go back even if he tried to force me... and he did. I didn't. I won't. Not even to tell him how much he disgusts me because he'd like that. Giving him any attention would just encourage him to harass me more... I don't want to play his sick game.

Game over. He should go get a life away from me. He sucked enough life out of me, it took me a long time to rebuild myself and feel healthy again. I won't let him sicken me like that again.

He didn't learn from his mistakes and kept making them... But I do and now that I know better, I'll make better decisions... and leaving was the best one for my well being. He clearly doesn't care about that, but he won't stop me anymore. He made me suffer so much that I don't give a damn if he suffers.

I got rid of my pain. I got rid of him. All he had to do to avoid disappointing me is to avoid promising to do what he won't do. Simple! No bullshit! He found it easier to take the easy path, even if it meant hurting me... That's not the way to nurture a strong mind and a strong heart. But it was easier to feed of someone else's like an emotional vampire.

I'm so disgusted by how he treated me! So repulsed!!! There's no way I'd willingly go back to something so painful now that I know, I have way too much self respect and self preservation for that!

And now I am finally free~ Finally happy~ I faced the truth. And there's no way I'd give that up to please the whims of a manipulative selfish brat!

Play with games... not with people's head and hearts... or they'll turn on you like a villain. Sooner or later. I should have done it sooner. But at least I didn't wait years wasting my life and better opportunities away on someone who doomed us both by refusing to try to share... together.

Game over.

Avoid, ignore, forget.

He had his chance, he shat all over it, over and over, and he did begging for another one, and he will again, if he could.

I won't let him. He tormented me enough. I will never read him or let him near me again. Because he makes me feel worse than alone and I don't keep people like that in my life. There's nothing he can do or want to do to improve that, or he would have done it by now. But even being begged crying didn't make him want to bother... so I won't either.

It's as simple as that.

He tried to use my motto against me "Return what is given to you, no matter if it makes you grateful or vengeful". Saying that he replied me, therefore I am obligated to reply him. Nothing but manipulation and trying to twist my mind and heart to extract as much juice as he can by crushing me like a fruit. But after what he did to me, I don't have to be grateful for his harassment, this demands revenge, not a reward. I've been holding back his hell load of neglectful torture for the longest time, trying to earn what he never wanted to give me. There's no way I can possibly return that much torment. Ignoring him isn't to punish or coerce him, I'm just on my way to happiness and he didn't want to bother to make the efforts to step forward, so I went on without him.

If he wants to torture himself refusing to let go of me... He'll have to enjoy that sick game without me anyway.

I don't care either way as long as it's far away from me.

There's no going back. I'm way too relieved. It's as if a dentist asked me if I want him to put my wisdom teeth back in so he can pull them out again.


He twists the blade in the wound and thinks he's doing me a favor by demanding things selfishly.

I don't need his shit in my life. I don't want him in my life ever again. I'm done allowing him to toy with me.

The game is so over... It never started. I got tired of waiting for what never was and never will be. I tried to make it happen by myself... relationships don't work like that. But I CAN make happiness happen by myself if I'm by myself.

No one is going to shit bullshit all over my mind, heart, trust, love... happiness.

HELL NO! He never deserved the chance he had in the first place, and he lost it because he never tried to be worthy of it... It was too embarrassing, too bothersome, he just didn't want to try, it was easier to lose me than give me a reason to stay...

And that's exactly what happened.

The world doesn't owe him to serve all his whims without earning them, and I sure as hell don't either.

Everything that I gave him was only because I thought that he was doing the same. Now that I understand that he was not, that he doesn't even want to try, ever, and never intended to... Because it was easier to give me false hope bullshit and manipulate me... torturing me emotionally and mentally... so he could abuse me...

*Throws him in the trash where he belongs with utter disgust*

He's dead to me. I never loved him. All I ever loved was a lie. He coerced my cares out of me by manipulating me with guilt and pity. I don't even have that anymore.

I don't give a shit about what he wants. He wouldn't even make the efforts for himself to get what he wants until it was too late. He won't do it for anyone else either. I refused to be his brainwashed slave.

He literally sickens me and all I need is my own health.

I knew it from the start that he was like that, trying to hide who he is because he thinks that he's unworthy of love. But I wanted to show him that he was, I patiently tried to encourage him to trust me, open up and share his deep thoughts, opinions and feelings, and that I would respect and love him as long as it's the truth... But he never gave me a chance. Never. He never gave me a chance to sow him that he didn't need to manipulate me to get kindness from me. But he thought that he didn't deserve any... and after manipulating me heartlessly for so long... no I agree... After emailing me against my will after I told him not to...

He reminds me of all the other people who tried to force themselves on me, even tried to rape me... tried enough to give me scars on my body... The worst part wasn't the terror or even the scars... but that sick fuck said that he wanted to make love~ He said that he didn't want to rape me... That this was love... While I was shrieking in terror, crying and bleeding in pain... He was so selfish and blind by it that he called it love. Being treated with hatred by the people who hate me, I can handle because I understand the logic behind it... But if something so painful is love, then I never want to be loved for the rest of my life... He did worse than hurt me... He made me close my heart to love, he made me lose trust in love itself, from anyone, ever.

It took me a lot of effort and courage to open my heart to Tij, I had all the possible reasons to KNOW that I could get badly hurt... But I tried anyway, because I thought that he might be worth the risk... And all along he didn't think that I was worth to bother... he took... but he never opened his heart nor revealed himself vulnerable... It was easier to abuse and reject me.

But I am not a victim. Even pedophiles that where much stronger than me never succeeded, I stupidly give too much and too kindly, but no one ever succeeded to gain something by force against my will. If I refuse, I'll find a way to defend myself, by any means necessary.

And now that I no longer want to try with Tij... now that I see him as just another asshole who want to abuse me... he won't get anything from me either. By harassing me with another email after I told him not to and to leave me alone, that I don't want him in my life anymore... After trying to force himself on me against my will... He reminded me of pedophiles, it wasn't offline, it wasn't about sex... But it was the same mindset and attitude. Selfish, careless and abusive. He's as low in my eyes as the people that I despise the most in the world. You don't get back up from that in my esteem. It's impossible to win me over after personally breaking my trust, I tried after that his hateful video, telling me how much he hates to share with a deep rage... how much he hates to talk to a camera... to me... I never trusted him again.

It was over at that moment. It was over at the moment that he stopped to act according to his words... and since he never did... we never started a relationship. I was merely waiting for him to get his head out of his ass and get on with it. I usually get sick of people after a few days, or weeks... but I lasted months, almost a year... And he looked down on my efforts saying that it wasn't a long time... months relentlessly giving my best everyday, opening myself up, vulnerable, warm, devoted, trying my hardest, doing the best of the best... While he wouldn't even try... and he mocked me saying that he expect me to suffer like that for a decade before even considering bothering to give me some effort, trust and respect. He can go to hell!

He gave me quantity instead of quality. He gave me a lot of sparkles to hide how much he wouldn't share anything personal... Pushing me away then crying because I was away when he's the one who was hurting me and I couldn't do anything about it but suffer and watch. It's childish nonsense and I shouldn't have put up with it, not even for a second! He fooled me so slowly, like a frog that you boil so progressively that she doesn't notice the deadly situation until it's too late. I jumped out.... but I got badly burned.

I told him from the start that I didn't want to talk everyday, I thought that I couldn't control my OCD but I can, he was force feeding me his own. Now I don't compulsively go talk to my other friends or my site everyday... But he never stopped even after I brutally told him to leave me alone. All along, he brainwashed me into codependency, on purpose to exploit me... because he wouldn't control his greed... Under his influence... all my insecurities, fears and compulsions got unleashed... Because he gladly pushed my painful buttons to make sure that I'd give him attention, love and wouldn't be able to leave. Like a slave... He gave me gifts to lure me while refusing to share himself with me... Demanding depth while giving me superficial things...

Like a cheating husband expecting a devoted wife but only giving her jewelry and sexually transmitted diseases instead of respecting her trust and giving the same efforts to build a relationship... Trying to get more women instead, letting her try to do all the work by herself... Like a man who expect his wife to be his pampering mother instead of his equal partner... his mistress being a much younger girlfriend... having fun with her while his wife cleans his dirty underwears and cook him dinner. I'd rather be a monk than have a life like that.

I felt like he was using me as a proxy for his neglectful mother... and I thought that if I gave him some affection that it would help him have the self confidence to reach out to good friends and a lover offline... But instead he put his entire life on my shoulders forever. He abused my kindness by seeing it as an opportunity to be greedy and selfish as much as he could manage... instead to share, reciprocate and appreciate. The only reason that suggested to him to become official lovers is because he was making huge promises like one... that he wanted to meet me and live with me forever... He didn't act like a friend, I thought I'd welcome his feelings because I didn't want him to be rejected... I wanted to believe in him and give it a try... But I never wanted to marry and live with a lover...

It gave me intense anguish... but I tried to make his dreams come true... and all along he never intended to go through with it. He never intended to... It was just lies to impress me and coerce me into giving me the same, when he wouldn't... Only asking... and I thought that it was obvious that he'd have to do the some efforts... But to him I wasn't a life partner, just some genie in a lamp, some slave that he could chain to a cold wall, a puppet to force to dance with strings... He wouldn't act like a friend, and he wouldn't act like a lover... He was greedy and wanted the bestest of the best... but he didn't want to make the efforts to make it happen... So I felt like I was ripped apart in limbo... I felt even more jerked around after becoming lovers, but he panicked when I wanted to return to friends and lower my efforts... He wanted even more... even though he didn't even intent to try...

In the end when he called me his bestest friend when I was trying to see if he loved me... I saw that he never did... he couldn't even say that he loved me... He couldn't even do so little effort... to give me a reason to smile... But he didn't hesitate to make me cry... over... and over...

He tortured me... I was miserable... He was so careless about me that he thought that if something made him happy, then I had to be happy too... So he shamelessly hurt me because it was easier for him... to let me do all the efforts alone, to even reject me and yet demand the result...

Was he did was completely illogical. If you want to share then give. If you don't want to share don't expect to receive. Sharing means both. He just wanted to abuse me. I cannot describe how much he disgusts me, how horrified I feel, how spiteful I am... He gave me torment, he manipulated me and harassed me, he acted the same forceful and disrespectful way as all the other people who hurt me to get what they want against my will... He gave me worst than death... I curse him.

Leaving him was the only way that I could enjoy my life again. He was that bad.

He sucked the life out of me by taking too much attention and energy so much... and I didn't have enough energy left to do my chores, take care of myself, or take care of my pets. I had 5 aquariums, my fish started to die from neglect... I gave 2 away... I kept telling him that it was too much, but then he panicked and begged hysterically to continue... He wouldn't let me breathe... so much that my pets died. And I allowed that because I cared about him... Meanwhile he didn't care enough about me to try to share who he is!!! Because he thought that I couldn't possibly love him and he tried to fool me as long as he could. He was right. There's no way I can love someone like that, I don't think I ever did, and I sure as hell never will.

But he doesn't even care about what I feel, even if it's bad, as long as I give him my attention and talk to him. It's pathetic. Like petting a cockroach. No way. I encouraged him to follow me with emails after I left because I didn't want to lose my friends by avoiding my enemies... It wasn't to encourage him to harass him after being seen as an enemy and told to leave me alone!!! Replying me for two months while I wouldn't means that he sent 60 emails in a row! That's some major harassing stalker!

I basically got that in one day because I wasn't checking my emails before or ignored them in the trash where he kept going... I was freaking out! I deleted them without reading it all. They where all the same... harassing me to give him what he wants and more more MORE!!! Pushing hard and relentlessly, stabbing me where I'm the most vulnerable and twisting the blade in the wound until I obeyed hoping to make him stop hurting me... Until I realized that the only way wasn't to appease him by giving him what he wants... The true only way is to get rid of the problem: HIM!

My pets died of neglect because he pressured me into taking care of him more than I should have, even more than a parent should at his age, more than he wanted to take care of me, more than he wanted to take care of himself... more than I wanted to... coercing me against my will with vicious emotional manipulations. I was so tired to devote so much time to him everyday that I didn't notice my fishes getting sick from neglect until it was too late and many died.

Now I'm sick of him and I won't let him kill me too. I neglected all the things that I love to do, that I love, that makes me who I am... I lost myself... I became his empty shadow... to be the slave of his greed and every wants... with nothing but bullshit in return... I won't make the same mistake again. The very thought that I ended up doing that disgusts me. I will forget him, but I won't forget the lesson that I must learn from it, the lesson that I almost died to learn and must remember again:

I must take care of myself first and balance my life. Some wishes are too greedy and selfish to be granted, it just reward people's flaws and can only worsen them. It's true even about my own. I must blossom my strength, not nurture my insecurities, or I'll become an easy prey for the worst abusive liars who'll use false hope to lure me out of desperation... without having or being willing to offer anything meaningful. I resent him for treating me this way... when I was trying so hard to show him that I'd stay if he didn't... how much better it feels to be treated sincerely and warmly... but he never wanted to try... It was easier this way... easier to hurt me than make me smile... easier to make it so much harder on me that he should have been. I am so appalled by how he treated me I can't even describe. I think the only reason why he doesn't want to let me go is because I'm the only person who where caring enough to fall for his manipulative bullshit. It wasn't out of stupidity.

I wanted to give him a chance to have a healthier relationship, but he never wanted to try to share, he deliberately preferred to hurt me and stay behind his wall even though he liked my way better, he refused to threat me with the same respect. He doesn't want another chance to show me that he's worthy of trust, he admitted himself that he doesn't care that he broke me, only to get what he wants from me back... He wants more attention and he thinks that he can get it from me. He even provokes me on purpose so I'd get pissed off and be unable to resist replying him to tell him wrong... or even to tell him to shut up... or even mock him... Because any ways is fine with him, he thinks that he can just dive any hook, as long as he gets me talking, the fish is still there, and he can claw what he wants from me... He can reel me in little by little and make me compliant.

I was never there to fulfill his needs forever, I was simply there temporarily to give him the self confidence to do it himself. He refused to try, he chose to exploit me instead. Like eating the wings on an angel and then blaming them because they can no longer fly. People like that turned me into a demon.

I was hoping to share gifts with each other... because I needed help too... But he swallowed my gift whole, along with the arm that gave it, then shat it on me. Then he asked for the other arm. I said no and fled for my life in pain... He cried because I wouldn't let him hurt me yet again. Begging to hurt me... Relentlessly harassing me to hurt me. Thinking that he's doing me a favor by trying to take it by force against my will... and that it entitles him to it just because he wants to... that I owe him because he gave me attention that I absolutely refused... Fucking psycho. Maybe he'll turn into a pedophile rapist in his mid life crisis. Doing what he wants by force against people's will, and thinking it's for their own good because it feels good to him... It's so disgusting...

NO means: if you insist I will hate you even more, and if you try to take it by force I'll hurt you back even harder until you're the one who's scared to get near me.

I refuse to let him have power over me. I refuse to let him come into in my life, my heart, my head and not even in my memories. I acknowledged him as a threat and I'm getting rid of him by any means necessary.

I don't even owe him the pain that he gave me, I'm sure he'd like that.

The only thing that I owe is to myself to be safe, healthy, and happy... And he's in the way so I'm just going to ignore him until he faces and understand the truth. I reject him completely and forever.

The reason why I wrote so much is for the same reason I still think about the pedophiles I met years later... No, I don't care about them. No they don't have a chance with me. I write a lot because I'm upset... Because what he did is gross. He replied everyday, even after he emailed me again he didn't give me one day to go check my mail and reply... He kept hammering me with more messages 2 days in a row... 2 in the same day... That's some major obsession and compulsion... it's getting dangerous. He never even tried to find inner peace and get himself under control in 2 months! His bad energy disturbed my inner peace, and I worked really hard to overcome the bad mental state he put me in. He contaminated me with his OCD... Hoping to trigger mine and milk it for attention again... NO. I'll let it run dry on my own web site. I don't even want to talk to him to tell him to leave me alone, because I've been clear. I made dozens of arts about it and he still refuses to respect my boundaries.

I'm not being a codependent, I don't want this, I'm being assaulted!

And he thinks that he's doing me a favor and that I owe him for this disrespectful harassment and stalking against my will... He's denying me the right to make my own decisions, to have my own feelings and to be my own person instead of just his toy. Revolting!

If he was doing this offline, I would call the police, I'd carry one of my knives with me wherever I go to defend myself about his relentless harassment, stalking and emotional attacks against me... He insulted me when I first tried to leave, calling me weak, trying to destroy my self esteem so I wouldn't find the dignity to leave his mistreatments. Continuing to take emotional abuse isn't being strong, it's allowing someone to destroy us. I ran to save myself because I was withering in misery because of how he threaded me.

When he told me that he likes to provoke people at school into fights to vent his frustrations... I thought that this is how bully behaves... and I felt bullied... intimidated and coerced into giving him whatever he wants... with sick and twisted mind games that seriously damaged me emotionally... I felt guilty to just skip a day, I felt so bad about it that I had physical symptoms... Like a drug addict... but more like a slave scared to get punished... He made me think that something horrible would happen to him and that it would be all my fault if I didn't give him everything he wanted everyday... That he's suffer, that he could even die... that without me he'd never allow someone else in his life... that it's all my responsibility and will be my fault if he's miserable all his life, he even said that he'd kill himself...

So subtly, disguised as love... But it was massively intense coercion and manipulation... mentally and emotionally violent... He used terror to coerce me into submission... I was so scared that I couldn't even leave one day!!! Even when I wanted to, needed to or was sick! Sure he told me that I could... but he subtly added that it would make him suffer and that I'd be an awful person... Well, I overcame that in a simple manner: I acknowledged that he's hurting me willingly because he likes what he easily gains from it... And to break the brainwash all I had to do is to stop giving a damn whether he suffer or even dies. Because it was either him or me... And my own life is more important.

When I felt in pain from the withdrawals, the fear of change and being alone... I just reminded myself the hell that I'd be running back to... Someone who refuse to try, who don't want to share, who don't care if I beg and cry because it's easier for them to let me suffer neglected and get everything... Easier to mess with my head and heart than make the effort to give me something real... Because it's much easier to pretend, so much easier to dream, than make an actual goddamn effort... And he admitted that everything that he gives he only to make me give him even more.

It wasn't to make me smile, not even on Valentine's Day, it was just to compete and crush me... He wouldn't risk his ego to make me feel loved. He wouldn't appreciate me... He'd whine in self pity to force me to pamper him instead to earn it by giving kindness too! Ripping my mind and heart apart by not even respecting his own words, my feelings, nothing... Just a big pile of bullshit force fed by twisting my heart, ripping it open and forcing his way in... Not by being kind, not by being warm, by being a fucking pathetic brat trying to get pity by whining and making demands. I suggested being lovers because I didn't realize his age... Because this is just text... but he's an immature child... It is wrong for me to have a relationship with him... I don't want to be a pedophile, I refuse to let him turn me into what I hate most when I don't even want him.

I wanted to love him as a person, without sex whatsoever. People have been so brutal with me about sex that I don't want it for the rest of my life. But I can't love someone who makes me cry and he does. It took a lot of will power to accept the love of someone so far away in place and age group... and all along he didn't love me, he couldn't even say it, he just wanted to take it from me. I feel like I'm the one who was the vulnerable one who got abused... I was so concerned about not abusing someone younger than me that I didn't notice how much he was in fact the selfish predator willing to exploit my vulnerabilities to gain what he wants even if it hurts me. I'm too old for this shit!!! I had enough for the rest of my life! I gave up on sex and I gave up on ever being loved too! It took so much courage for me to give him my love... and all along he didn't even tried! He didn't want to give, he just wanted to take! He didn't want to let me know him, he just wanted to take!

I can't love someone as a person if he refuses to open his heart and mind to show me who he is! I can't love what I don't even know. But I found out... observing him talk and act... and he's not consistent... for someone insecure and wounded like me... that's sheer torture. For someone who value honesty and truth... this is the worst insult. For someone who suffered enough to become insane but still trying to face the harsh reality, lying to me with false hopes to bait and exploit me is pushing my sanity off a cliff. He twisted the facts into complete fallacies, blaming me for his own actions when I wasn't even there to make him change his mind... He just got tired of his own crap and admitted the truth between two doses of bullshit... That he doesn't want to share, he doesn't want to bother, he thinks I'm not worth the effort, he doesn't trust me to risk it, he doesn't care if it hurts me because he doesn't want to try... to give... because he thinks that he can take whatever he wants even if I'm broken and crying... and that it's even easier this way. Monster.

The fact that he think that I should be happy to be abused like that, that he's doing me a favor... is like a rapist expecting thanks after forcing themselves on you while you scream no, beg and cry... and that he just continues because he wants it and doesn't even care if you suffer and die, as long as he gets what he wants... I'm so relieved that Tij lives too far away to touch me... because with his forceful attitude refusing to take no for an answer, refusing to acknowledge the pain that he causes because he likes it... that attitude can turn someone's life into hell... And now that he harass me by email after I said no, trying to push, manipulating me emotionally, I see how miserable I was and why...

It's even worse than I thought... He never wanted to open me his heart... but he also wanted to claw out mine... and he prefered to do it in the most abusive and hurtful way... because it was the easiest and most rewarding way for him... and he didn't care about me, he only pretended, acting like it without feelings behind it, so he could fool and take from me. I constantly felt his cold wall, pushed away... Like I was just being observed... I thought that he was in an armor, inside a wall, trapped and I wanted to help him be free... But I was the one in a cage, trapped in a cold wall unable to escape while he picked at me, devoured me, sucked my very life dry... That's why I was crying... He devoured my heart carelessly and mercilessly while denying me his own... While ignoring my limits and needs completely, even ignoring the fact that it hurts and destroys me... That's how much he only cared about getting more from me... He's sad like a rapist going to jail regretting to have been caught, but he was proud of himself until he had to pay for it, and he wants to do it again. He wants one more chance to rip my heart out of my chest and eat it. Like a bear eating their own babies. I hate bears, wolves don't do this shit.

He refuses to acknowledge that I don't want him to email me... What if he was living nearby... he'd try to force his way into my home, kidnap and rape me refusing to respect my free will about that too!!! That's how seriously bad his shit is. Thankfully emails are easy to block by myself. But it's still giving me a stress that I need to get rid of. It's a post traumatic stress trigger... echoing with all the other harassment and abused that I lived... reopening the wounds that he gave me while I tried so hard and he wouldn't... and all the wounds that I had in my life.. This shit has to stop. Seeing him harass me like that made me realize that he never respected, cared or loved me for who I am and never will... He only wanted what he could claw out of me and never cared when it was only hurting me, so he's not sincere now either, he just want his toy back... so he can break me some more to abuse me, because it's easier than giving me real love... giving me genuine affection is too embarrassing for him. But lying and hurting me is easy.

No way in hell! All I want is the damn peace. He must stay away from me! He wasted his chances by not trying, I'm not going to let him hurt me again. I don't want to, the idea to share affection or even talk to him disgusts me so much I want to puke. I saw my previous arts and I feel repulsed that I gave that much kindness to someone who didn't respect me enough to try to avoid making me feel lonely, rejected, hurt, and who would harass me against my will. There's so much bullshit in what he did and said that I can't even describe it, no matter how hard I try to make sense out of it, because it's pure nonsense of a mindless beast without a heart. I always hated bears, I tried to give him a chance, I bitterly regret it.

The idea to share more is preposterous! He doesn't want to share. And being selfishly sad for something that he inflicted on me is beyond arrogant! Hiding behind a mask of self depreciation to manipulate people into not asking anything out of him, while he coerce people to give him whatever he wants out of the goodness of their charitable heart... He thought that I was an endless water well where he could take as much as he wanted and shit in it as much as he wanted, and that it would always taste good.

His careless greed made him destroy the very thing that he wanted, he can only blame himself.

He should have tried his best to nurture the relationship so it'd be sustainable and worth it for me to continue. Instead he clawed everything, more and more, until everything became soiled with shit and empty... This is why I loathe humanity... they act like a virus... like cancer... Unable to take care of anything or anyone, not even themselves... Unable to plan ahead except for deceit and manipulations... But with fake efforts you only get fake results. Someone can't survive on fake food... And a heart cannot survive on fake love. Mine sure as hell didn't.

It took me a long time to nurture it back to health with my own strength, while he kept begging me to do it for him without trying to figure out how to do it for himself and then for others too... Now that my heart is stronger and happy again... I'm not going to share that with someone who refuse to share, refuse to open his heart, refuse to respect my limits and avoid hurting me... Any stranger with a clean slate deserves a chance to make me smile more than such a failure. He made me cry several times... I stayed but my feelings weren't there anymore... and I don't want to live this lie. Nothing good can come out of it. It didn't and it won't. Maybe for him, but not for me. I thought it did but he was just a fraud. I'm done letting him take me for a fool! I was never fooled... I was waiting for him to understand how wrong it was and to decide that I was worth trying to do better and be better...

I gave him kindness so he'd see that I'm trustworthy enough to open his heart kindly... without manipulations and deceit... But instead he saw it as proof that his deceit was working to milk everything out of me, and he tried to manipulate and abuse me even harder instead... I gave him a reason to trust me, he used it as an excuse to fool me even more... He turned all the chances that I gave him into a weapon to hurt me, to stab my heart out... Instead to just let it blossom gently with kindness... He thought that he won... but everyday was just a test. And I had enough information to judge him... and I judged that he's more bad than good for me.

I wished to find a reason to trust another human being, open my heart and share... but he always refused and painfully gave me reasons not to. He didn't, therefore I will no longer. And if he finds that mean and unfair, then he shouldn't have treated me this way. I asked him to either reciprocate as much as he asked me, or agree to share less so I wouldn't be constantly disappointed and frustrated. He kept demanding more and denying me the same favor. He had no mercy for me when I was in pain and begged him. He wouldn't even try! I won't either.

I'm leaving him out of my life. Because this is what I want.

Lisa Of Shades
20 April 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Shut up!

Shut up! Stop harassing me! Get the hell out of my life!

Insanity wolf ~ Shut up! Stop harassing me! Get the hell out of my life! ~ Leave me alone I don't want you!

He kept writing to give him more attention even if it's just to tell him that I don't want to give him attention. He refuses to understand what this means:

Denial... refusing to respect someone's limit... refusing to care about their feelings... refusing to open his heart and mind so he could see, receive and understand what I'm trying to say... In complete denial... Just doing what they want even if it hurts the other badly and make them cry... Without any consideration for them... abusing them like objects without free will...

This is why I was so miserable... I finally understand now... and he should understand that I don't want him in my life by the mere fact that I don't even look at his emails and that I am appalled to see his trash in my stuff.

I'll just ignore him and move on... He's been nagging me for months, trying to break my resolve and self esteem the way he broke my trust and capacity to love. Other people are showing me that friendship doesn't have to hurt, that we can just spontaneously enjoy each other with enthusiasm instead of coercion and manipulation. I am slowly healing from what he did to me... and I won't waste my gifts on him ever again. I know what happens when I do. He makes me regret it.

He's dead to me. I regret ever meeting him... I felt dread when I saw him, I felt that something painful was going to happen... and now I understand why, after going through the storm of shit and feeling such distress and sadness from how he treated me, by expecting the worse and treating me like the worst... With spite... like an enemy to fight back... pushing me away and stabbing me while whining for me to get closer... Torture. Pure relentless mind blowing and heart ripping torture.

I never should have given him a chance in the first place... My intuition warmed me and I didn't want to have prejudices and reject someone without a reason... He gave me too many painful reasons, I don't know how I can explain because his behavior is so incoherent.

But I don't need a reason. I don't want him in my life. I'm happier this way. That's what I need, and my survival is more important than his greedy selfish wants.

I gave him the best treasure that I could give with all my efforts, strength and heart...

In return he refused to try and made me cry.

I never should have tried. I regret it. I never will again. It's pointless to try to explain him because all he wants is the attention and dive his claws in me deeper and deeper...

If they wanted to understand, care for you and respect you... They would have.

You can't force them to shut up. But you can grant your own wish... You can stop talking to them. Run away, flee for your life! This is toxic, this will drain your emotional energy until your body is literally exhausted and sick... Mental energy is the same as muscular energy... We can die from fighting from exhaustion... physically... and mentally...

That's why people have limits... in what they can give and what they can endure...

He didn't care if he was slowly sucking the life out of someone who was already sick from adrenal fatigue... He knew that I almost died from being abused by people who only cared about what they could take from me without caring about what it did to me...

He bullied my heart, exploited me, abused me, harassed me... People like that almost killed me... He made me whither, my mind, joy to live and very life... He turned me into a mindless codependent slave... It was hard to break free, it was hard to rebuilt myself...

He almost killed me and he wants to keep taking more and more...

And this is why I threw my kindness away. This is why I became a misanthrope. This is why I became evil.

Because no one else would protect me from this but the rabid wolf lurking in my survival instinct.

I went to see the jungle book... The bear was a con artist, lying and manipulating, to get everything he could. He manipulated the kid to make him steal all the honey, even though he didn't needed so much because he never had any and always managed to survive without it... he made the kid believe that he'd die if he didn't go get stung painfully, while the bear watched from a safe distance without trying for himself... He took all the honey, without letting any for the bees... And I thought that they would starve, that there would no longer be any bees to pollinate the flowers, no longer able to turn into fruits, and that all the other animals would stave, from the bottom of the vegetarian food chair to the top predators... all because a fucking bear wouldn't stop his greed, wanted it all, without leaving anything for the bees who did all the hard work, taking everything from them while he didn't earn anything.

And I thought... Damn I fucking hate bears. That's what Tij did to me. Manipulations, getting me hurt for his own benefit, abuse, extortion... And I don't want him in my life. He will never stop himself, but I can ignore him.

No matter what I say he'll twist it into what he wants to hear because he'll see the attention as a permission to do whatever he wants to me. I'll leave him alone with his own lies and delusions.

And he's one of my little secret... Someone who's aware of being crazy... is actually not crazy. It's the people who never take the time to question themselves who truly do insane shit.

I don't want to be like that, I don't want to be like him. I stepped back and looked at what I was doing... And I saw myself slowly withering in depression and exhaustion while my suffering made him happy carelessly.

I took a break, it allowed me to step back and see the bigger picture, and I saw that I never wanted it in the first place... I doubted myself and explained to him... but he stabbed me in the heart even more... even when he begged me to give him whatever he wanted he kept hurting me... He never stopped to look at what the hell he was doing to me and himself. He never took the time to make up his mind, make a choice, and give it his best to reach it... He ran in any direction like a mindless rabid animal... I focused on trying to make it work too much, I tried too hard, he made it too hard on me... it's not worth it... And now I'll let go and focus on myself and the people who don't need to be forgiven because, unlike him, they never hurt me. They're the one who deserve my attention, kindness and chances. Not someone who clearly can't make up his mind and can't even respect his very own words! Can't even take care of his own wants, refuse to try, not even for his own sake to avoid destroying what he wants with neglect and abuse...

Even if he had qualities and something to give, it's not worth the pain that come with it.

I gave him a clean slate, he shat on it and ripped it apart because it was easier this way. I'm not going anywhere near that. I tried. It didn't make me happy. It even made me cry.

I can't stop him because I only have power over my own life, but I do have the power to stop myself.

He refuses to acknowledge my will, but I don't need his permission to leave. I don't even need to tell him. I did so he wouldn't torture himself waiting for months... But he saw that as a chance to try to abuse me again and tried to torture both of us. I'm out. I want nothing to do with his shit. It's too late, I can't even look at a bear or my own art without feeling disgusted. There's no going back from how much he traumatized me.

The good that refused to try then won't happen. The pain that he caused me can't be undone, but I can stop him from getting the "chance" to hurt me again.

I can stay away from him. And that's exactly what I want and am doing.

Lisa Of Shades
20 April 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Plenty of fish in the sea

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Too bad you're a pig. Go drown.

Insanity wolf ~ There are plenty of fish in the sea. Too bad you're a pig. Go drown. ~ Love bacon, you are what you eat.

My previous relationship was with a bear who mauled me, this is a more general ideas because I'm moving on. The expression "plenty of fish in the sea" mean that there are more people in the world to have a relationship with, a more compatible one, who can appreciate and love you.

"Too bad you're a pig" is because maybe no one will want a slob who threats them like garbage. Except maybe another pig. Many people are very close to pig, rolling in their filth all day. Obsessed with bacon, they end up looking like one. "You are what you eat". If you eat garbage, you're going to look garbage.

I saw a nice demotivational poster about the fish expression. Sharks surrounded by swarms of fishes. The sea was full and you could only see empty circles where the sharks where. Just because there are fishes in the sea doesn't mean that they will want you.

I think I should stay alone. It was so hard to let go of what can never be and move on... So hard to accept that I can't make it work no matter how hard I try because he doesn't even want to try... And I couldn't do it alone... I moved on and I was happy... I thought I'd die at first because I was so sad and so addicted... so dependent... so codependent... like a junkie and I even forgot who I am as I slowly forgot my needs to focus on his wants... But I moved on... and I broke free... and I felt stronger, happy and liberated... Like I could break free of my sick patterns...

I might not be able to get a healthy relationship because I'm not healthy myself, but I can find the courage to move on from something that I don't have the energy for, and focus my energy on me so I can heal... and I did... But then he made another email to bypass blocking him and harassed me saying that he'll wait for me for months, forever, for as long as it takes to get me back... I felt trapped... suffocating... Like I'd never be free... never be able to move on from the torment he gave me... like it can only get worse... He wanted me to be miserable because he only cared about himself... I saw how much I made the right choice leaving... I stopped having regrets... I never desired to be so alone in my life. I've never been so happy to be alone.

He suffocated me and refused to take his hands off my throat even when I wasn't there... Instead to let go he pretended I was still there and kept replying himself everyday, giving me countless messages in one shot that scared me away even more... I've done gore in my site... but he really freaked me out and away. I'm never going back. He haunts me... but he won't get a reward for it. I'm ignoring him so either way, he's away from me and I'm denying him my energy... I want him out of my life, out of my mind. But he's been out of my heart for a long time.

We both blamed me for getting angry when he refused to share videos after claiming so hard that he'll move here with me... I got angry and twisted his arm not because I wanted a video, I never did, and I didn't even want to chat again... No, I got angry because when he refused my efforts to grant HIS wish... I saw how much he's been bullshitting me all along and refusing to many any efforts... Bullshitting me with grandiose ideas to impress me so I'd be the one working hard for him, while he didn't mean a word, when he just wanted attention... Even negative one... Without any dignity... self respect and self love... just greed... and that's why I first felt showed with love at first... then crushed and exhausted under his greed... then I noticed that he has no respect for me... and that's why he prefer to keep hurting me than respect that I need to go... I'm so horrified by him, and not in a funny way.

If I'm doomed to repeat my past relationships, doomed to only have fucked up people because I'm fucked up, people who'll fuck me up even more... Then I'd rather be on my own and try to improve myself... Than indulge in the worst of me because someone wants to exploit my weaknesses... He really did follow me when I left all my friends at Kat because I was a cornered prey... and he won't stop hunting me down... as if I had no say... Only claiming what he wants with no regard for what I need... I regret meeting him, loving him, smiling for him... I regret letting him fool me. I regret wasting my energy on hi, trying so hard for him, when he didn't want to try at all for me...

If that's the best that I deserve, then I'd rather have nothing. If I'm like him, then I'd rather be by myself because I can't handle two at once.

I found solace in solitude.

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 22 April 2016
Text: 23 April 2016

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