Humor ~ Shad Wolf ~ Anger 2
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Bad grammar cat ~ Death by wolf
Bad grammar cat ~ Death by dictionary
Trust makes the difference between love and death
Insanity wolf ~ Alone but no longer lonely
Insanity wolf ~ Suicide threats
Insanity wolf ~ Game over
Insanity wolf ~ Shut up!
Insanity wolf ~ Plenty of fish in the sea
Bad grammar cat ~ Death by wolf
I can haz... Death! Don't make mistakes on purpose.
Wow I haven't made an angry poster since I left kat and became close friends
with Tij. Thank you for taking such a good care of me. I'm very happy actually,
I just felt like doing creepy stuff.
I was laughing at some Insanity Wolf meme (I started using the same wolf
for my character as a coincidence, but it fits me so well!). But then cat
meme got mixed in with really irritating comments. Well, that's my revenge...
No offence to my friend Grumpy.
As horrible as it looks, that's Photoshoped. The reason why I hate cat pictures
so much isn't because I hate cats, I love them. Orange cats are actually
my favorites. It's because people put them in humiliating and often painful
positions in the name of "cuteness". Well, if hurting cats for
real is cute, then I'd rather Photoshop them with gruesome blood splatters.
But yeah, if the psychopath hat fits, wear it. *Puts hat on*
Thank you my friends for being my friend anyway. Now that I made a bloody
poster you truly know what you got yourself into hahaha. Thank you for making
me so happy. No cats where harmed by my friends or during the making of
this poster, but I laughed my head off.
I'm watching horror movies lately so that might explain my inspiration.
It's about bad grammar, but the one made on purpose. I'm a French Canadian
and learning English was extremely hard for me, I still struggle. Using
verb tense correctly and asking questions are especially difficult... People
writing anyhow really made it harder for me to understand and learn. Even
at my best I still make typos. My keyboard has many broken keys, so many
letters are missing, and my spelling check doesn't always notice them. God
instead of good is still a word... Hat instead of that too...
Accidents I can understand... limited knowledge too... Knowing how but writing
like crap on purpose... disrespecting me and hurting my brain... that makes
I don't even correct my friends when I notice their mistakes (should I to
help them learn?) I don't obsess on it the way I usually do because I enjoy
their company much more than how much bad grammar can be my pet peeve.
Writing like an idiot isn't cute. I actually do it sometimes, but I wrote
sooooo daaaaamn muuuch that it ends up being a very little percentage for
dramatic effect. Most people can't make a coherent phrase.
Sure chatting will improve your writing, IF you try your best. BUT if you
try to use shortcuts you'll get worse from bad habits.
There's a web site called I Can Has Cheezburger?
it can be funny... but it enables and encourages people with bad spelling
to embrace their mediocrity and try even harder to be the worst ignorant
illiterate they can be!
In life maybe people make a hierarchy based on money, but in the internet,
the world of pixels, it means nothing to me. Actually I never care about
money that's probably why I'm so poor, hahaha! I don't even value how many
friends people have, actually the more you have, the less likely you are
to be able to give them quality time, so I consider those people greedy
neglectful assholes not worth my time (and emotional neediness). I consider
very literate people as "Lords". And the people who dare say the
dark things in life "Evil"... So as a Evil lord, I am not impressed
by the cute lameness of peasants. It gets old and boring really fast as
I can feel my brain rot away.
It takes very special people to keep up with me and endure my rants, and
especially to bring out my best since I'm so easy to hurt and irritate because
I had enough trying to please people's bullshit.
So thank you my friends, for making me want to be an even better person,
but in a good way~
Lisa Of Shades
11 December 2015
Back to list ^
Bad grammar cat ~ Death by dictionary
I can haz... Death by dictionary. I'll be back az Zombie Cat.
The description from the previous art also applies to this one.
Like I said to my friend Grumpy... I don't actually like gore... I like
how much I freak out because I hate it, hahaha. That cat doesn't just look
like a zombie with glowing eyes...
I put the cat's body parts in random positions after he got crushed by the
He looks like The thing! A movie about an alien trying to shape shift to
avoid being found out, but he's caught mid transformation and try several
at once trying to flee, and it's freaky and terrifying like hell.
Splinter is a really terrifying horror movie to. A black pointy substance
that takes over the body parts of people that it sneaks into... But it doesn't
quiet understand how they work, so a guy's arm broke itself bending in the
wrong direction... It takes over anything and jumbles up body parts in strange
ways, who knows what might be useful, let's take a dozen of arms and put
heads in random places! I don't have the courage to make the cat version...
I had enough blood for a while.
Sometimes I'm worried that I'll have some burst of adrenalin (I can get
that from hunger, or if I eat sugar and crap) and take it out on my friends.
Letting darkness come out in a constructive manner (that will give kids
and cat ladies nightmares, mwahaha!) is much safer than bottling it up in
denial until it explodes on innocent loved ones, then denying that too.
So yeah, I'll do creepy arts so I don't end up REALLY doing creepy things.
Enjoy~ I have mixed feelings about it... But that's what makes it fun!
*Comes back shaking from trauma with a small whimper*
I wanted to see if there was a meme about Zombie Cat... and I ended up finding
a real cat who got into a car accident, got buried, crawled out of his grave,
and came back home in a very sad state...
The article starts with a photo of extreme gore of another cat... I wish
it was a sculpture but it seems to be a preserved remains... Taxidermy
(info at wiki) is making art with animals and it reached a whole new level
of creepiness. Actually I'm against it, I find it disrespectful to the animals.
Some look deformed, grotesque and damn terrifying. Except maybe at museums
for educational purposes... letting the living animals roam free instead
of putting them in zoos.
I'll give the link to the article anyway because it's an interesting story...
But it traumatized me, so if you don't enjoy torturing your soul with true
facts that you'd rather not know... avoid... but if you can't handle it
then you're in the wrong site, hahaha!
Zombie Cat rises from the dead in real-life pet cemetery!
They refer to the movies Pet sematary
and Pet sematary 2
by Stephen King. He's the only fiction author I read and he writes very
good horror, even scarier than the movies. He forged my twisted mind. They
knew how to scare the hell out of kids in the 90s and they didn't need 3D
or HD. I read a few books about self help for health too. Nothing's scarier
than lies about health care, pretending to care but are actually exploiting
and murdering you.
I really loved the "Pet sematary" movies... but now I have a very
hard time writing "cemetery" right... *sigh* Oh~ I just invented
a trick! It's probably from the word cement because they covered graves
with it ages ago or they make the grave with it... or something.
Enjoy~ Even being freaked out to death can be enjoyed with a little effort!
Lisa Of Shades
11 December 2015
Back to list ^
Trust makes the difference between love and death
How can someone so loving end up so hostile? The difference
between ally and enemy: Trust.
I didn't write love and hate because what I feel isn't a ark passion, it's
disgust and a desire to destroy a threat. There's an expression about "life
and death" so I changed it. It's hard for me to resume my thoughts
with so few words. But I think it expresses it well.
I found it weird yet fascinating about how I could be at my best and so
utterly kind, then flip the switch and be at my worst and cruel enough to
send him straight to hell. It's not sanity, love or even blood sugar that
made such a huge difference... It's trust. That's what makes someone looks
at an ally to protect or an enemy to destroy. He claimed that he trusted
me with anything, but he didn't and kept treating me like an enemy to push
away... it was all the more painful because I trusted his words... That
contradiction, disappointment and pain ripped my mind & heart apart
until my trust broke... and he didn't care... because he managed to claw
what he wanted from me while mistrusting me... so he thought that he could
still get what he wanted even though now I didn't trust him either... but
I don't keep my enemies closer than my friends, I don't keep them at all.
I DESTROY THEM!!!
I'll put the text I wrote about the last time I spoke
He said: "Sharing I told you isn't easy for and frankly I don't want
to try because when I did I got hurt enough. So bothering to try isn't something
I want to do." and "I don't care if you don't trust me."
He doesn't want to share, which makes it impossible.
Especially since I don't give to people I don't trust, ad he doesn't care
about my wellbeing.
It's so ridiculous that he still expects me to give him my best and devote
my life for him and pamper him after he clearly spat in my face, shat on
my heart and kicked me in the head.
It's not funny. It's disgusting. I'm so repulsed that I'd rather be alone.
He used it as a not so subtle manipulation to scare me into submission...
But it's SO LIBERATING!!!
I was happy until I replied him, then I felt so miserable I cried.
I don't need what he has to "offer". Like he said, it's too
Taking isn't enough... bait isn't enough... If the heart isn't there...
if he doesn't even care that he broke your heart and trust... Then there's
nothing to do but to throw the garbage away.
You're just like your father, you didn't care that you hurt me and broke
my trust and heart because you thought that you could still get what you
wanted. But there's no way I would ever love someone like that. Never. I'd
rather die than live in fear. I'd rather be alone than with someone who's
worst than loneliness.
At the second you sent me that aggressive video instead of the embarrassing
giggly one that you've deleted... I knew that you'd be as abusive and violent
as your father... Because such intense hatred was your idea of saying "I
love you". I feared for my life about the times where you'd want to
express being displeased. I couldn't admit it or face it back then... but
I knew... And I knew instantly that I never wanted to be in the same room
as you. I suspected it from the start... but now how badly you'd toy with
my feelings... making me believe that I owed you everything while you didn't
even give me the most basic dignity, care and respect... Unable to even
say that you love me... I thought that I could heal your heart with mine,
I thought that I could earn your trust... But I cannot force you to do something
that you choose not to... because you prefer to hurt me, because that's
easier for you.
You're a threat. Get the hell away from me. Go be a real friend to the
friends that you already have if you want to have someone to talk to. I'm
done waiting for you to want to do more than bullshit me. I need more than
an audience... I needed someone to participate equally... To share equally...
It's utterly pointless for someone who doesn't even want to try... because
even if I succeed, my teammate will destroy it.
I'm better off on my own.
"I don't care if you don't trust me" because he thought that
if I gave him my friendship he'd be able to get back my trust... But it's
the other way around, I only give my friendship to the people I trust. So
by saying that he admitted that he only want to get my friendship, and he
didn't want to even try to be worthy of it and give it back.
Now I understand why I felt such intense rage that I could have hurt
him... I now see his abusive mindset...
Just like his father beating him to have him do all the chores (if it
was true and not a lie to manipulate and abuse me using pity)... He doesn't
care how much he hurts someone, he even use it as a weapon to get what he
And now all that matters to me is what I need... because clearly my wants
I gave up on love because I had a fucked up childhood. The people capable
of a healthy relationship don't want me because I don't know how to handle
it and them... and the people who are interested in me are fucked up like
me and we'll hurt each other at best, I'll be abused for being an easy wounded
prey at worse.... again.
I chose to be alone rather than suffer from the same vicious cycles.
I couldn't get out of it unless something or someone showed me better...
I tried for him, I failed. I wanted to love his potential, who he could
become... if he tried... But it was easier for him to just slip into the
stream of tears that his father did before him... becoming him... and perpetuating
the cycle of violence as something acceptable.
I don't accept this. I reject it with all my body and soul. Even if I
have to reject the people I love and love itself.
But there's no way I can love someone who doesn't even want to try to
stop hurting me.
I feel nothing.
If the best thing that someone can do to win my kindness is to intimidate
and coerce me with threats of suicide, then they can go ahead and do it.
I won't miss someone who won't even care to try to make me smile.
If someone wants to use my kindness against me as a weapon to abuse me...
My rational brain can take over, even my primal brain if I have to... And
I have complete trust in my survival instinct.
All he had to do was to care. He would have enjoyed our time together
better. All he had to do was to have the will to try... I didn't even mind
if he failed miserably...
I just wanted him to care about me... and not just about what he could
take from me...
Now I don't care about either.
I didn't expect him to protect me against the whole world and life itself...
my challenges are mine to overcome and grow from them...
I just wanted him to care enough about my well being to try to protect
me from himself.
He didn't even take care of his own stuff... and now I am no longer his...
but I was always mine anyway... I'm not a thing to own, my life was always
mine to share.
I wanted to share myself... he didn't. That's not a balanced or fair
relationship. I neither want nor need someone who doesn't want me to know
him and doesn't care if he hurts me. That's not even an acquaintance.
He didn't want to try. He's unwilling to offer anything. He won't earn
anything. There's no deal being made whatsoever. End of story.
I don't want to be his mommy, pampering a helpless baby, who just shit
I just plain don't want to.
I wanted a partner, an ally, who'd care about me and who'd at least pull
his share or his own weight...
He's just a pain in the ass. A burden. A blood sucking leech.
Find yourself some self absorb narcissist who'd only want someone to
listen to them and who won't give a shit about who you are. Then you'll
be a perfect match.
I wasn't. I'm very happy about that... Because the shit that I've done
shames me... and I'll work on my codependency... I rewarded his neediness
too instead to encourage being independent... I rewarded being soul sucking...
I want to be a better person... and this is why I'm moving on.
And especially since he doesn't care if he hurts me. He clearly doesn't
care about me. But I care about myself!!! Someone has to, and I'm the best
person for the job!
You're fired. I'm not going to reward somebody who doesn't even try to
do his job.
Not even trying is the lamest failure of them all... Because you didn't
just fail your desires... you failed yourself and life itself.
Even as a crazy invalid, I can still have dignity and succeed at life.
Well, I tried. But now I'm done.
Since he didn't want to try from the start and never intended to return
what he asked and took... he got more than he deserved... and asking me
for more after spitting on my pain... *shakes head* I'd rather eat worms
than his bullshit.
That's the problem with mistrust, even the good looks like utter shit.
And I'm sick of being looked at that way by him. Now I see him through the
eyes of mistrust... and I don't even want to bother talking or listening
to him at all.
I begged and cried but gave him everything he wanted so he didn't give
a damn. He only made vague promises mixed with the brutal truth of how much
he doesn't care about my trust and giving me anything back... Clearly if
he didn't want to do it when I was crying, he doesn't mean it and only want
to get back his privileges, without ever giving them to me.
Now that I think about it... He never apologized for hurting my feelings...
he only demanded what he wanted... He even said that he didn't care...
I feel devastated...
It means that all his beautiful arts and long words where made without
love... only a manipulation to get more out of me, and he even admitted
it... that the more he gives, the more he gets... But it felt empty... it
felt like something was missing...
Because he didn't care about me... He didn't trust me... he didn't love
He mistrusted me so badly he wouldn't even hug me at first, and wouldn't
even tell me that he loves me unless I said it...
The torture of being given love without actual love... I think this is
it... I lost the last shred of sanity that I had left...
I curse myself to never be loved again... to never love again... because
being treated with hatred by someone who asks my love is worse than anything...
It's like a rape for the soul... at least he was too far away to touch my
All l I ever wanted in life... was to be loved... to be wanted... but
the only thing that people's heart can do is take... hurt... and not care
because it didn't hurt them...
But a broken heart cannot love anymore. Dumbass.
Trust is someone's very capacity to love... This is what you denied me...
and this is what you broke... this is what you said that you don't care
NO. You cannot have what YOU DESTROYED anymore!
If you refuse to understand the obvious, I'll let you guess why.
But worse... you never intended to share from the start... so I woke
up to realize that it was one sided, abusive, and that I've been wasting
I just wanted to be cared about... I just wanted not to be hurt... I
opened my heart and trusted you and got attacked in that video... You never
You got 10 months of free ride.
For me I was doomed from the start and spent 10 months torn by despair
and the slow agony of realizing that you never intended to give back what
you said you wanted in the first place...
Until the end, you said that you want more from me... You never said
that you care whether that would destroy me or not... but you said that
you didn't care... because you thought that you could get what you wanted
anyway... because it was easier for you this way.
Easier for you to hurt me sharing nothing while taking everything.
I'm so horrified... that I'm happy that your father beat the shit out
But I think you lied... like everything else. But since I'm too hurt
to trust you, the truth makes no difference now... because even if you genuinely
cared and loved me, I wouldn't believe a word... And this is the hell that
you put me through... while I begged and cried for you to open me your heart...
I was there online... but you never let me in on a much deeper level.
People consider closeness by how physically close they are.
To me... it's how close they are to your heart and mind and able to hurt
I wish you had cared for me and to keep me as someone to trust, care
for and love... not as someone to mistrust, keep out and abuse from...
You're hurt either way by losing me... but if you had dared to try...
to trust and love me... maybe you wouldn't have had to lose me... maybe
I wouldn't have been forced to deny myself what I wanted... to protect my
needs, health and very life...
And that is as thorn as a heart can get...
The last thing that I emailed him, I allowed myself
to become sincerely evil:
I'm going to explain you how I feel so maybe it can help you move on.
I didn't mention the email where you shared because I didn't care about
It was everything that I begged and suffered for... for almost a year...
You shared, opened up, made an effort to find topics, got original, funny,
And I didn't give a shit.
Because it's too late. As nice as it was, it wasn't worth the hell that
you put me through... Trying hard to win your trust, to encourage you...
suffering, begging, crying... Now that I finally have it... it wasn't worth
the price that you made me pay for it.
It's too late.
When you mentioned suicide, it was to manipulate me emotionally, using
my care for you as a weapon against me. I didn't fall for it. I didn't hug
you, pampered you, comforted you, said that your life is important... Not
just because I knew that it was just bullshit and that you don't have the
guts to even share your hobbies... I could have fell for it caring enough
to not take the risk of seeing you kill yourself.
I didn't fall for your manipulation because I didn't care if you killed
yourself. It's your own life, your responsibility, you do whatever you want
with it, and if you're miserable, it's your fault,
your problem, and I don't want to help you anymore, because you didn't return
the favor, you let me suffer, you didn't care.
When you said that your father came to beat you up while you cried, I
didn't fall for that emotional manipulation either. Because I was happy
that he made you suffer.
That's how much you tormented me by asking for something but refusing
to even try to give it...
That's how much I despise you.
You're not the only monster in that story. The difference is that I won't
try to claw what I want from someone I don't care to hurt.
Unlike you... I'm trying to stop hurting you.
You didn't try when you had the chance.
Now you can't get back my affection. Because it's GONE.
But at least you had it... You cannot imagine my horror to have discovered
that you never even tried all along... That you never wanted to... ever...
and that all the gifts that I thought where token of love where just bait,
worms on a hook... and there was no actual love behind it... because when
you had the choice between giving me a video full of embarrassing love and
risk being hurt, or save your pride and give me hatred by hurting me...
You chose to hurt me, you chose hatred.
And on Valentine's day... it was your chance to undo the damage, but
you thought that it was more important to beat me... Instead to try to make
a decent drawing, you used emotional manipulation to coerce me into getting
I disgust myself because I did! I rewarded you for cruel abusive manipulative
behavior. I should have kicked your face! After that, I never wanted to
hug you again; I just wanted to hurt you... And a week later... when I gave
you the chance to convince me otherwise one last time... you clearly told
me that you never opened your heart for me, you took my love, but you didn't
bother to return it.
And today... I came to delete my emails... but when I saw that you replied
even today after all this time... I thought that maybe you care after all...
But you said that you don't care that you broke my trust... because you
think that you can get what you want anyway... even if I'm hurt... even
if I lost my trust... my very capacity to love and care... and this is what
you denied me all along... this is why I was suffering...
You rejected me... every opportunities that I gave you, you used it to
tell me how much you don't want to try, that you see me as a friend, even
though you insisted that I give you more than you where willing to return...
You told me that you don't care about me. You never said that you're sorry
that I was in pain... you kept telling me what YOU want, and never gave
a damn if it meant hurting me, making me sick and sad... You wouldn't return
it... you wouldn't even try to spare me pain.
And you think that you have the right to ask anything of me?
You disgust me so much I can't even describe.
You refuse to even understand why this is abusive.
If you coerce someone against their will to gain more than they can give,
at the peril of their safety, without intending to return the favor... it's
not just selfish, it's manipulative, abusive and
And I was wrong to reward this behavior.
You refuse to share a fair deal, you want me to make all the efforts
while you get all the rewards. And you think that I should agree to get
hurt just because you want to!?
There's nothing in it for me.
Go be a better friend to your offline friends. We're done here. The only
thing you can get from me is the pain that you gave me... and believe me,
you don't want that.
So thank you for the bait... but unless you trust me enough to open me
your heart... unless you care enough about me to at least TRY to avoid hurting
me... then you don't love me, you just love abusing me... and that makes
me want to hurt you.
You had 10 months to show me that you care about me. Now that I no longer
trust you, even if you where to be sincere, it would look like a shitty
lie. Even if you gave me genuine love, I wouldn't welcome it. This is the
hell that you put me through by refusing to try to trust me. It was unbearable
torture... and to the very end... you preferred to hurt me because it was
easier that way. Go to hell.
It felt so good and liberating. I really should stop trying to be so polite
and spare people pain. I acknowledged him as a threat, and he used suicide
threats to manipulate me... You want to kill my enemy... Thanks! Fool.
It's the same about my family... they tortured me mentally and even physically...
When I finally had the proof that I was genuinely sick, and not crazy and
lazy, they told me that I deserve to suffer. That's the day I finally realized
that I never deserved any of the pain they claimed that was for my own good
out of love, they did it because they're awful cruel people and enjoyed
hurting me. They are a threat to my very life, because they stressed me
so much that I was in fight or flight mode, I could never enter healing
So it drained my adrenals and I got so sick, I literally almost physically
died... And it has to be very dangerous to finally show up on tests... otherwise
doctors don't bother to take it seriously, it's either completely okay or
completely sick to them... and the long agony in between was worst than
death... When I finally realized that my family's mental violence was LITERALLY
killing me... I acknowledged them as a threat... They claimed to love me
to feel good about what they did, but they where murdering me slowly and
viciously. Every single cell of my body screamed to murder them right back
before it's to late for me, when they said that they think that I deserve
to suffer, when they showed me how careless and even glad they where, I
wanted to kill them... to inflict on them the decades of sheer agony that
they did to me... in one shot, which would have killed them instantly...
which would have been more merciful than what they did to me...
I wish I had been aborted instead of tortured until I'm too destroyed to
function, and trained to be the perfect devoted slave for the worst abusive
people... I wanted to kill them so badly, but I love freedom even more,
thankfully, kicking them out of my life achieved the same goal: stopping
them from sucking the life out of me and damaging my mental and physical
health. I healed a whole lot after that.
They kept trying to contact me, even though they ignored me before, because
now it was no longer on their terms and it made them feel bad, they wanted
back my love and admiration, like the joy of kicking someone when they're
down. Now I was looking down on them, and they wanted to butter me up so
I'd come back to flatter their ego and be their punching bag. Even though
my mother never wanted to see me again since a decade and my aunt told me
that I deserve to suffer just because I'm sick... Monsters. I hanged the
phone on them.
I wrote them letters describing how awful they've been to me and hw unacceptable
it is. They refused to apologize, tried to bribe me into docile kindness
by giving me more money. A lot of it. I sent back the check. It was to show
their power and look down on me and get endless thanks, it wasn't because
they cared or she'd have apologized instead. My mother sent me a card and
a few bucks but she refused to see me when I was crying and begging. She
was just buying feeling like the best mom ever even though she let my sister
starve homeless and be abused in a mental institution after watching her
lover drown... If that's a great mom, I'd rather be an orphan.
I hate gifts because of this. My family would give me some crappy toys but
then they'd invalidate and mock everything that I think, feel and am, even
violently... Gifts aren't love... they're bribes to own you and do whatever
they please with you... Like a husband who cheat on his wife and make her
cry risking to give her aids, and letting her know that she's not good enough
by herself... But then he buys her some flower or jewelry to shut her up,
give her the illusion that she's loved, buying her compliance so he can
go fuck whoever he wants... because she's scared to end up poorer on her
own. But nothing is more valuable than dignity.
I hate gifts, but when he gave me arts, I thought they where expressions
of emotions... not replacing emotions with things to buy me like a whore
and take what he wanted from me without actually getting emotionally involved...
It's ridiculous to care so much about anyone, especially a long distance
relationship... But this is the kind of person I am and I am proud of it.
I am a real person on this side of the computer, and I acknowledge him as
a real person as well.
How is it less real because we are separated by some space and screens?
How is a phone call less real? How is being face to face but ignoring each
other by playing on our phones more real... Everything is real to me, even
the voice of reason in my head, by I am aware that it's a different level
of reality, but it's still very real. Even movies are real, real movies
with real people giving real emotions, even if it's just a play. Even my
imagination is real, because it's there in my head and I feel it. But of
course imagining a dragon isn't the same level of reality as being punched
in the face... But nightmares can be painful too.
So to me an online relationship was real, and I gave everything I've got
to make it as real as it could be... That's the best that I could give,
the best that I could get in my situation, so I did my best to nurture and
appreciate it. Being unable to do things offline together made it sadder
to be limited, but not less real... But I did my best to enjoy it as much
as I could. To compensate for what we couldn't do and not let it stop us
or depress us, I was ready to do my best for what we could.
But to him it was just a nice dream and he just wanted to sit back in his
chair and stare at it like a movie without fully participating. He wouldn't
even try but then he whined that he didn't get the reward... He focused
on what he didn't get instead of appreciating or at least try to reach better...
He wasted his energy making it worse, and wasted my energy making it harder
for me by refusing to cooperate. He acted mediocre but I didn't complain
in self pity, I did my best to appreciate... but HE DID!!! Even though I
only gave him reasons to rejoice... He spat on them, he even used them as
an excuse to feel depressed... All he was willing to share was pain, sadness
and mediocrity. He had too much pride to share a happy video or the hobbies
that made him happy... But he had no problem throwing his pride away by
sharing depressing stuff...
He showered me with the bad to manipulate me, which might even be a lie...
and he denied me the happy things... WHAT THE HELL!!!? He gave me misery...
and I tried to improve it... but he kept shitting on my gifts... I ended
up exhausted... frustrated... heartbroken... and when I finally understood
that he was doing this shit on purpose... because it was easier that way...
easier to hurt me... easier to abuse me... easier to dwell in pain and mediocrity
without even trying to become a better person... I wanted to murder him.
I showered him with love to inspire him to reach higher, he used it as a
weapon to abuse me without returning the favor... to become his favor...
beating the shit out of him so he'd do all the chore without helping, feeling
powerful enjoying his suffering. THAT'S WHAT HE DID TO ME!!!
I can't forgive him for trying to fool me. And I can't ever accept to give
my care to someone who doesn't. I always fall in the same patterns, so I'd
rather not try. But I think it got this bad because he's a manipulative
person who slowly dragged me into something that I didn't want even though
he knew that I didn't want to and that it would be dangerously exhausting
for my health.
I saw that I am more capable than I thought and healed a lot, but I'll get
sick again if I am not careful. I ended up noticing that I had no energy
left to cope with the unexpected problems in my life if I gave him everything
that I could. I felt guilty to not be able to keep up even though he could
with so many activities and duties in his life... But that just gave me
frustrations and I resent him so I should have put myself first... I kept
thinking "how long am I going to be able to keep this up... I'd rather
get a job if I have that much energy and can be reliable everyday... it's
like a 7 days a week job, it's too much..."
I forced myself and ended writing way too much by going berserk from an
adrenalin rush in exhaustion... That's how much I was trying to spare him
pain... to make him feel loved... I even gave up my web site expect to make
arts for him... I even got rid of aquariums because I didn't have the energy
left to take care of my pets... that might be why they all got massively
sick and many died... And while I was doing that for him... He didn't care
about breaking my trust... he didn't want to share back... He aggressively
rejected me when I found online ways to do what he wished offline, to be
closer and somehow meet with videos...
He wouldn't show his face by pressing a button, he wouldn't move to a different
country with an expensive plane... He didn't have the courage to realize
his own wishes... it's not the fact that he didn't grant mine that broke
me so much... it's that I was trying to grant his... but he spat on my efforts.
Cry you little shit, cry and die alone. Or live and become a better person
to the offline friends that you had all along. Either way your life is no
longer my problem. I never should have had the arrogance to think that I
could make it better, when I needed all my strength just to barely survive.
He took it... he took the energy that I needed to live, knowing I was at
death door... and he could have killed me with abuse. He destroyed my trust,
he broke my heart, he hurt me, and he still didn't care... because he thought
that he could get what he wanted anyway.
I am so beyond disgusted. It's ridiculous. It's childish. I allowed this.
So I can end it. And this is the end. He's dead to me.
And I am enjoying my new beginning~
Lisa Of Shades
Image: 26 March 2016
Text: 27 March 2016
Back to list ^
Insanity wolf ~ Alone but no longer lonely
You're worse than being alone. You make me feel lonely.
I also made more arts there: Relationships gone bad
Making angry spiteful posters about how bad he makes me feel is the only
fun that he can inspire me, but I'm weary of that too.
Tij kept emailing me everyday for the past 2 months even though I wouldn't
reply him, told him to stop and that I added a filter to send his messages
straight to the trash. Today, the 18 April 2016, he used a different email
to make sure to force himself on me against my will. This
is harassment, it's disrespectful and abusive.
It didn't earn him
another chance to hurt me, it disgusted me even more. I'll never read his
bullshit again. I'll make a new email if I have to. He
must stop trying to contact me
, shut up and stay away from me forever.
He's just making it worse. He gave me enough pain, more than I could bear.
Seeing him again was dreadful and really upset me. I he cared about me at
least a little, he'd respect my feelings and decision, instead of trying
to coerce me with emotional manipulations. I don't miss him at all. I'm
even starting to regret ever meeting him. I don't
want him in my life anymore.
Update 20 April 2016:
The problem with Tij is that what he doesn't act according to what he says.
I need someone reliable and trustworthy, not someone who'll mislead, lie,
manipulate and bullshit me. I need reality even if it's bad, not deluding
myself with beautiful dreams that will never come true. It wouldn't have
been bearable if he promised more than he could deliver with a good will.
But he asked for more than he wanted to even try to give, he had no intention
of even trying, he was leading me on. I can't ever trust him again because
I shouldn't have trusted him in the first place. And now that I know how
he is... I'm not interested to be fooled, toyed with and abused. I am crazy...
and I always say it with pride... because I am LUCID. And I intend to keep
it that way. I will not tolerate someone in my life who messes with my head,
and I certainly won't allow them into my heart. He already got more than
he was willing to give, more than he was willing to earn and deserve...
More than he wanted to share... He kept saying that he doesn't want to share
and that he's too boring to be known. Now I agree. I don't want to share
with him either, not at all, and I don't want to know him. I don't want
him in my life. I want him gone.
He doesn't even deserve an explanation, I should have vanished and ignored
him... because instead to try to better himself and learn from my feelings
and this loss... He used it as an opportunity to bullshit me even more...
He contradicted himself constantly and blamed me for it, while I wasn't
even there to cause it. He disgusts me. My site's name is a pun for bullshit.
I started this site hoping to make tutorial to teach some sense into people
and improve the world. I won't tolerate someone who deliberately bullshit
me to mess with my head, toy with my heart, and exploit me to get attention
and affection when he doesn't want to bother to share back.
Tij refuses to understand, he refuses to respect my feelings... he doesn't
even want to try. I have no reason to give him anything, not even for my
own satisfaction, because I feel happier without him.
There is far worse than being alone: He made me feel
I enjoy myself better without him.
I want him to stay away from me. I can't control what he'll try to do, but
I can control how I'll react:
Avoid, ignore, forget.
Lisa Of Shades
Image:20 April 2016
Text: 18+20 April 2016
Back to list ^
Insanity wolf ~ Suicide threats
Threatens to commit suicide to manipulate you. Thanks!
This is about false suicide threats, not a genuine desire to die because
we're in more pain than we can handle. There's a huge difference between
someone who's so exhausted and malnourished that their endocrine system
and vital organs are shutting down, and someone who refuses to try but then
use death threats to guilt trip you into making extreme efforts for them...
When I was beyond sick, people wouldn't take me seriously because it wasn't
The only good resource I had was the suicide hot line, and not always, sometimes
they refused me because I wasn't in the middle of an actual suicide... We
should take people's feelings more seriously, not wait until they're past
their breaking point to give them respect and dignity. My friend broke me
then got sad because I wouldn't give him what he DENIED ME anymore. I was
at death's door, a sick invalid, and he pulled my emotional strings until
I spent more time and energy taking care of him than my own life and recovery!!!
And HE dared to threaten suicide when I was clinging to life desperately
trying not to think about it...
Then he laughed that it's just stupid... Yeah, the asshole, he never tasted
something worse than death yet... but using suicide threats to manipulate
someone who did is beyond despicable. Either way I don't want his life to
be my problem anymore. I need all my energy to take care of myself. He's
not worth the sacrifice; he won't do the same for me... because it's easier
to make me suffer and let me cry. He's not even worth a drop.
He can kill himself as much as he wants. It's his life, he can do whatever
he wants with it. Away from mine because I don't want him in my life. And
I do whatever I want with my own life.
He harassed me by email, I hope that he's not stalking my site too. I'm
so glad that I never programmed a comment option... I'd have so much shit
He can go beg his dad for love and attention. He'd have more chances to
get it from him than from me. That's how much I resent him.
I'm going to forget about him again soon. I needed to vent how much it upset
me to see him again... I have better things to do, and even better friends
to enjoy. But I neglect them because I need some time alone... so I sure
as hell won't give my time to a manipulative liar who refuses to try and
even made me cry... harasses me and even threatened me with death... Trying
to guilt trip me into pampering him using pity and suicide threats... If
only it was true~ But even the friendship wasn't. That's not the way we
threat a loved one, no good can compensate for something so vile, I sure
as hell don't even like him.
*Shudders with disgust*
I'm tired of all that lovey dovey stuff anyway. That's not my style.
I resent him for making me dream. When reality came crashing down on me,
when he didn't live up to it and didn't even try, I noticed that what he
gave me was actually nightmares.
I'd rather enjoy true horror than phony bullshit.
I would have been happy with less if it matched with his promises... because
he wouldn't constantly raise my expectations too high and let me down...
but it meant that I'd devote myself less and give less... so he didn't want
that... He thought that it's be easier to let me do all the efforts to open
up and share while he enjoyed the results, even though it made me constantly
frustrated, rejected, pushed away... Easier to fool me... Easier to mess
with my head... Easier to toy with my heart...
Because of selfish greed and dishonesty he lost everything. The irony is
that he didn't have to do it; I was ready to accept the brutal truth...
I rejected him because he deliberately tried to make a fool out of me, he
made me less than what I was trying to be by misusing the gift that I gave
him: my trust... and using my heart as a weapon against me to exploit me
one sided at my peril. I was ready to appreciate anything as long as it
was true... even if it was little... I was ready to welcome his flaws...
But I will never allow him back because he LIED.
He didn't want to make an effort even when I was so hurt and sad that I
cried... And I was sad because he said that he didn't want to share with
me... Sharing means BOTH giving AND receiving. He thought that he could
gain without making the effort to bother... That only big empty promises
and a beautiful dream, false hope to run after like a carrot on a stick
that you can never reach... distracting you from the fact that he's riding
you and misleading you... It's despicable. And I despise him.
He thought that it'd be easier to let me do all the efforts, all the sharing...
he thought that he could fool me forever... he thought that I'd accept to
be abused out of fear of being alone.
I faced death and won. I faced utter loneliness and found happiness. What
I fear is stupidity, lies, ignorance and bullshit. Phony empty people like
him don't belong in the life that I chose for myself. The people that we
let in our life influence us and forge who we are... I didn't like the person
that I became when I was with him. I was weak, needy, scared, lonely, feeling
guilty to do what I needed if he wanted different... I was codependent and
I hated it. I ripped out the part of my heart that belonged to him, and
it was hard and painful, I had to resist running back like an addict...
I overcame many addictions before, I gave up all grains, corn, sugar, all
processed foods except cheese... I gave up my entire family...
I can overcome addiction, grief, pain and loneliness.
In a way it's good that I had so much painful practice in my life, that
way I don't get stuck in painful situations, when the bad isn't worth the
good... especially when the good is just a lie to do something badly abusive.
I am responsible for letting it happen, it's tempting to deny it because
it hurts my ego... but admitting it means that I acknowledge my power...
I did it, therefore I can undo it. I allowed it, I can forbid it. I started
it, and I can stop it.
I ripped him out of my heart like a blood sucking slug and I feel so much
better. I don't want to go back. I pity the people who will live their entire
life this way, who stay with people they don't love and who make them feel
miserable, because they are scared of change. Change is confusing, it makes
us feel lost, it's scary, it's the death of something and it really hurts
to grieve... Even getting rid of what we loathe and what destroys us is
difficult, letting go of what is familiar, it's comforting even when it's
horrible... A part of me died so I could move on... And a new part of me
Stronger, better, freer.
I am glad of my decision. I have no regrets. I'm not going back to him.
I make my own efforts for myself now. I don't let anyone abuse me. That's
what my anger (my "wolf side") is for... self preservation.
He might be more important than me in his own life, but he is not so in
mine. I am! And I refuse to listen to someone who wants to make me believe
otherwise. It's demeaning! Using self depreciation, self pity, whining...
If he's so helpless, then he should do like me and learn better, not be
dependent on others like a burden. I owe him NOTHING. There's nothing in
it for me. I won't waste my energy any longer on someone who refuses to
try, and isn't sincere when he does, doing it to get me back with manipulations...
and not to make me smile with love. He was too embarrassed to say that he
likes me. But he wasn't embarrassed to give me hatred and to make me cry.
The end happened a long time ago... I was just clinging to a dead relationship...
to my dead heart... to my dead dreams... to my dead trust.
I got rid of the poison that is his presence and his contradicting bullshit.
I'm happy at last, by my own efforts, and I finally feel love and dignity.
Because I stopped giving it away to someone who refused to share it, only
wanting to claw it away with lies.
He sucked all the life out of me, and now I took my life
back. I am alive again!
He said that it's natural that he's not making the effort to open up and
share because we only know each other for almost a year... A YEAR and I
barely know his simple hobbies or who he is... He said that his friends
still don't know much and he know them for almost a decade (or something)
I'm not going to be pushed away coldly every time I try to build a warm
relationship for a fucking decade!!! I told him to go talk to his offline
friends if he wants someone to talk to... to be a better friend for them
and to get closer... He doesn't want to. And his friends don't bother either.
He prefers my way but won't give it back. He hate being treated the way
he threats me, he doesn't like his friends... and I don't like him either!
I've been way too patient, he never intended to try, I'm done wasting my
energy. So done.
If I could do "Control + Z" to undo my time with him and get back
all the energy and love that I've wasted I would! I guess he served a purpose
at the time and I had something to learn from the experience. That time
is over. I don't need him anymore. I don't even want him. There is nothing
I loathe more in this world than lies... and that's all he gave me.
He thinks that if I go back with him that he'd win back my trust... But
just because I give it doesn't mean that he earns, respects and deserves
it. He never deserved my trust and he never will. That's who he is, who
he chose to be, and I dislike him I don't want him to influence me to gain
things from me, and I sure as hell don't want him to influence me into becoming
someone that I dislike.
I gave him plenty of chances, I begged crying... he didn't care. And now
I don't care that he begs and feel sad because I know it's not sincere,
he misses abusing me, he never loved me as a person to care for. He exploited
my heart deliberately, past my limit, knowing that it was hurting me, knowing
that I was crying... and he refused to stop... he refused to make an effort,
he refused to try. I should have stopped sooner... He truly came after me
when I was vulnerable and wanted to exploit me like a cornered animal after
I lost my friends... He wants another chance to claw whatever he wants from
me without making the effort to share and RECIPROCATE. I got rid of way
better friends than him for far crimes against me and far sooner... He's
not getting another chance. I know what he wants to do with it. And there's
nothing good for me.
He toyed with my head and heart. Game over.
I'm too old for his childish bullshit. I've been through this nightmare
far too many times before. I'm so done.
Lies are worse than nothing. They take you away from something genuine and
truly good... It's better to have nothing because then there is space to
welcome it when we finally find it... I will nurture it inside of me. I
will at least be honest with myself. The truth is... I'm not happy with
him. I don't feel cared about and loved, I feel abused and threatened. It
doesn't matter whether I'm wrong or not... This is how he makes me feel...
Whether I'm right or wrong about him, he fails at making me feel happy,
and he makes me feel miserable... It became worse and worse as it piled
up, as I slowly noticed that the promises would never come true, that he
never intended to try from the start, that there would be no end to my disappointment
unless I stop trusting him, stop listening to his bullshit, and end my relationship
with him completely.
Lisa Of Shades
20 April 2016
Back to list ^
Insanity wolf ~ Game over
You toyed with my head & heart. Game over!
He thought that it would be easier this way... bait me with false hope without
even trying but making me think that he does... while taking and not giving.
But a balanced relationship isn't that way... that's abuse. He thought that
he could get much more than he deserve without efforts that way... But it's
the easiest way to destroy the trust, love and relationship that was possible...
before he shat all over it.
Treating people like toys and breaking them so hard that he makes them cry...
then crying because he lost them.
He deliberately destroyed what he had with neglect and abuse.
So he can go ahead and cry, the little shit.
Karma right back at him. Sweet justice.
Finding happiness alone away from someone who doesn't care to make you cry,
denying them everything good that you could have shared if they reciprocated
sincerely. Now that I think about it, moving on and being happy is probably
the best revenge.
I am so happy to be without him. He was right, he's too boring to bother
knowing and sharing with him. I should have agreed at he second he said
that. I would have avoided so much pain.
Better late than never.
Never again. Not with him, some other human deserves a chance to make me
believe in humanity, friendship, trust, love... A manipulative liar only
made my misanthropy worse.
I don't care if humanity goes extinct; I think the planet would be better
off. I wouldn't spare an emotional manipulator, so I sure wouldn't devote
the best that I have to offer to someone so vile, giving past my limit because
he refuses to respect my well being, neglecting my own needs in the process.
Why the hell did I do that!? Well played. That asshole sure made a fool
out of me and exploited me good. Turning me into the most devoted codependent
slave by pulling the strings of my heart like a puppet, using my cares for
him as a weapon to exploit me...
I thought that he made me dream for the future again... but I finally noticed
that he was giving me a nightmare in the present...
And I woke up.
He thought that it would be easier to fool someone forever...
Abraham Lincoln said:
"You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people
all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time."
I'm no fool, he tried to make a fool out of me. What I despise most... But
I loathe him even more.
I had to give euthanasia to some of my pet fishes because they where too
sick... I had to kill them... and I live with the death of loved ones on
If I can do that, I can kick out someone hurtful out of my life. Unlike
killing which can make you loose your freedom, ignoring someone doesn't
require much of an effort, you have to resist the coercion but you just
don't have to do anything. I discovered the "Report spam" button.
The only reason I opened his 2nd email was to copy his address and make
a new filter to send it to the trash. But the spam button does it automatically
without opening the emails. So I never will open or read them again, even
if he makes a new address everyday, I'll ignore it. Even if he tries to
mail me, I won't open it. If he tries to call me, I'll do what I did to
my mother and I'll close the phone without a word. If he had any respect
for me whatsoever, any cares, he wouldn't try to contact me against my will.
He's basically raping my email box. He's harassing me.
I read it to make sure that I wasn't doing a mistake. I got even more convinced
that I'm made the right decision by running away from him to save my life.
Every time that I gave him another chance he made my pain even worse. He
never even tried to understand what he put me through or care enough to
compromise, by giving more of himself or taking less of my heart. he wanted
everything while giving nothing but shallow images and text. He wanted a
deep meaningful relationship without taking the risks and making the efforts...
But we had to work together so my efforts where wasted... He kept rejecting
me every time I tried to make his own dreams come true... even aggressively...
What he wrote was just the usual bullshit: making demands that would hurt
me and not giving a shit about me... demanding by trying to manipulate with
guilt, claiming that I have no choice, because he made the effort to demand
it so he thinks he deserves it and that I owe him, but that's just rude,
he's not giving me anything he's merely trying to take... Promising grandiose
ides while refusing to make any effort whatsoever. Complete contradictions.
No logic whatsoever.
He just repeated "GIMME GIMME GIMME! I'll give you anything you want
but I don't want to bother so I won't."
Really, that's how fast he contradicted himself and admitted that he'd just
trying to fool me to get whatever he wants, and doesn't give a shit if I
get nothing but pain in the process, because he can always lie harder. He's
sure that if I agree to give him another chance, he'll claw more and more
until he gets everything he wants again... That's what he did to me, he
slowly dragged me to do more and more of what he wanted, while refusing
to open up and share... He took everything while refusing to even try anything...
It was torture for me. What he said and didn't was completely different...
At first I was confused but now I understand why: Behind that wall, he's
full of shit.
He's so incoherent that he doesn't even see the difference between the truth
and his own lie, so no matter how hard I tried to explain him... He didn't
want to see it, he didn't care about me, he just wanted to get his toy back
and break me some more... Because it's easier for him to abuse me than to
bother nurturing me and the relationship. He admitted it. And it's easier
for his dad to beat him up instead to help with the chores. But maybe he's
so selfish than being beaten is the only way that he'd do something for
another person. Begging, crying, walking away... It never motivated him
to try. I can do my own arts, I can write my own text... What I needed was
to connect with someone else's genuine soul... That's the only thing I wanted...
He kept rejecting me... He just wanted a servant not a partner. He was just
dead weight, sucking my life away...
When he refused to share, I thought that I disliked him for being shy or
an introvert and I didn't want to reject him for that... But now I understand
that he doesn't want to share because he prefers to abuse me by making me
do all the efforts while he doesn't bother. The reason why he disgusts me
so much is because he's manipulative and abusive.
Lying, deceiving, manipulating, guilt tripping, refusing to share, being
even more boring as he claimed to be... taking more than he wants to give...
trying to fool me to do something so unfair on purpose... betraying my trust,
ignoring my feelings so much that he thinks I'm happy while I'm crying...
I was miserable... I kept begging. He had everything he could possibly want,
I gave it to him whether he'd open his heart with me or not... So he didn't
bother because he had the rewards anyway... He thought that I'd be stupid
enough to accept that forever... when I begged him constantly and slowly
withered away. I ran out of patience... I saw that he never intended to
from the start... and the rage I felt was way more powerful than the love
I thought I had.
Being manipulated and abused... I didn't miss it and I never will. Not even
from my own family, so certainly not from a stranger.
In his last message I read, his last hope by trying with a different email,
I could feel the pressure, the coercion, the emotional manipulation... But
I didn't feel any care for me, any desire to do anything differently if
given the chance; he refused to acknowledge my feelings. He was in such
denial that he replied everyday as if I never left... That's really unhealthy
and I don't want to be near someone like that. If he wants to prolong his
suffering by refusing to move on that's his problem. But I refuse to let
him prolong the suffering that he gave me. He refused to open up and share,
then he can do that alone.
I'm not sorry for him. He did this to himself. He did this to me. For the
longest time I was suffering and he ignored my pain, now the roles are reversed
and I couldn't be happier!
He should have tried when he had the chance. He didn't, any more chances
would be wasted on him. He made me waste enough already.
*shakes head disgusted* So much devotion, kindness, cares and love... given
to someone who preferred to toy with my head and feelings than make the
effort to share for real.
I can't undo the past. But I am denying him the present and the future.
He refused to stop hurting me and I can't change him. But I can stop myself
from being near him. I have that power because I take control of my own
life. I take responsibility for what I do and the consequences.
I have so much more to give. And I will give it to myself and the people
who won't betray my trust.
His free trial period is over and he refused to give me back what I give
him, draining me until I become empty. Someone else will. If not, I am very
happy by myself, not being toyed with.
I didn't write this because I still care, I don't care about him, otherwise
I would have emailed it. I wrote it because I am angry that he tried to
force himself on me with another email to make sure to harass me. I care
about myself, I care about not being harassed. But I couldn't care less
about who is disrespecting me. Family, lover, friend, acquaintance... It
doesn't matter. At the second they hurt me, they become a threat to my well
being. I acknowledged him as a threat, and that takes a lot of pain, I see
him as nothing else. I never will again.
I don't love him anymore... In fact I think I never loved him. That's why
refusing to open up, let someone know you, and deciding to manipulate and
lie is so wrong... Because all along I wasn't loving him... I was loving
a lie. I never loved him. I never shared love. I was just being fooled.
I have nothing to go back to, because it was never real. The only love that
was real for sure is the one I felt... I don't need a liar to feel self
love and be happy. In fact... he's just ruining my good mood.
I think that he could have made me happy if he tried. But he refused. It
was easier to make me cry.
And after acknowledging what was truly going on between us (nothing)...
what I was actually gaining from it (crap) and losing (my time and well
being)... After weighting the pros and cons (giving him too much completely
exhausted while he refused to even try to share and reciprocate the favor)...
and the type of person that his choices, words and actions made him (abusive
Sometimes what we believe to be a comfort zone is the most uncomfortable
place to be.
He liked me so much because I gave him everything that he refused to make
an effort to give. Then he gave me no reason to like him and no reason to
stay. Instead... he gave me reasons to run for my life, because my needs
where rejected while I was exploited for his wants into exhaustion. It's
an unfair deal to such an intense degree... I didn't see it because he shared
the same amount of text and images... Showering me with easy gifts to avoid
making the efforts and risks to give me something truly meaningful. He
gave me something shallow while I tried to offer him the deepest depth of
my soul... That's why he liked me so much and felt so loved and warm...
and that's why I didn't.
That's what I kept begging him for... Not more time and things... just to
let me know him more... so I could love him more and be closer to him...
THAT'S what he rejected by refusing to try to share: the very thing that
he wanted most... He denied his heart to me and he threw mine away... It
was torture and stopping to fight against the consequences of his choices
was liberating. I couldn't build a relationship alone, it takes two people,
and he refused to share... Because seeing me try in vain was good enough
for him, seeing me suffer by wasting me efforts against a cold wall who
wouldn't even try to reciprocate was easier for him... Dooming us to misery
was his choice not mine. I merely stopped to exhaust myself trying to force
my love on someone who wouldn't even make the effort of opening his heart
to welcome it. Someone who'd reject and be angry at me for trying to make
his wish come true, because it was easier for him to dream lies and do nothing...
Then there's no future together, and our present was as fake as the past
was just a hopeless lie.
It can be hard to admit that we where wasting so much efforts... but it's
even harder to continue wasting them. So I preferred to face the truth and
do something about it. Even the torment of crying in grief for what never
will be, and worse, what never was... was better than staying with him and
letting him continue to hurt me... and constantly disappoint me by promising
more than he intent to deliver... to take more than he want to bother giving...
That is what made me loathe humanity enough to wish to become extinct. I
thought that he was the proof that humanity had god people in it... but
he just showed me how the best love can merely be used to dissimulate the
I let go of the hope for the future and looked at the present... And it
couldn't be called a gift.
I just felt abused.
It's so easy for me to leave someone who doesn't care
that he makes me cry
, unless he loses what he wants from me. That's
not sincere. I told him before but he didn't care until I left. Then he
never cared about me, only about how much he could abuse me.
I'll never give him the chance to hurt me again. There's
no way I can have affection for someone like that even if I came back.
I won't. I tried, I did my best and beyond, I already gave everything that
I could. It wasn't good enough for him to think that I deserved to bother
to make an effort. I quit.
I enjoy my life so much better without him. I wouldn't go back even if he
tried to force me... and he did. I didn't. I won't. Not even to tell him
how much he disgusts me because he'd like that. Giving him any attention
would just encourage him to harass me more... I don't want to play his sick
Game over. He should go get a life away from me. He sucked enough life out
of me, it took me a long time to rebuild myself and feel healthy again.
I won't let him sicken me like that again.
He didn't learn from his mistakes and kept making them... But I do and now
that I know better, I'll make better decisions... and leaving was the best
one for my well being. He clearly doesn't care about that, but he won't
stop me anymore. He made me suffer so much that I don't give a damn if he
I got rid of my pain. I got rid of him. All he had to do to avoid disappointing
me is to avoid promising to do what he won't do. Simple! No bullshit! He
found it easier to take the easy path, even if it meant hurting me... That's
not the way to nurture a strong mind and a strong heart. But it was easier
to feed of someone else's like an emotional vampire.
I'm so disgusted by how he treated me! So repulsed!!! There's no way I'd
willingly go back to something so painful now that I know, I have way too
much self respect and self preservation for that!
And now I am finally free~ Finally happy~ I faced the truth. And there's
no way I'd give that up to please the whims of a manipulative selfish brat!
Play with games... not with people's head and hearts... or they'll turn
on you like a villain. Sooner or later. I should have done it sooner. But
at least I didn't wait years wasting my life and better opportunities away
on someone who doomed us both by refusing to try to share... together.
Avoid, ignore, forget.
He had his chance, he shat all over it, over and over, and he did
begging for another one, and he will again, if he could.
I won't let him. He tormented me enough. I will never read him or let him
near me again. Because he makes me feel worse than alone and I don't keep
people like that in my life. There's nothing he can do or want to do to
improve that, or he would have done it by now. But even being begged crying
didn't make him want to bother... so I won't either.
It's as simple as that.
He tried to use my motto against me "Return what is given to you, no
matter if it makes you grateful or vengeful". Saying that he replied
me, therefore I am obligated to reply him. Nothing but manipulation and
trying to twist my mind and heart to extract as much juice as he can by
crushing me like a fruit. But after what he did to me, I don't have to be
grateful for his harassment, this demands revenge, not a reward. I've been
holding back his hell load of neglectful torture for the longest time, trying
to earn what he never wanted to give me. There's no way I can possibly return
that much torment. Ignoring him isn't to punish or coerce him, I'm just
on my way to happiness and he didn't want to bother to make the efforts
to step forward, so I went on without him.
If he wants to torture himself refusing to let go of me... He'll have to
enjoy that sick game without me anyway.
I don't care either way as long as it's far away from me.
There's no going back. I'm way too relieved. It's as if a dentist asked
me if I want him to put my wisdom teeth back in so he can pull them out
He twists the blade in the wound and thinks he's doing me a favor by demanding
I don't need his shit in my life. I don't want him in my life ever again.
I'm done allowing him to toy with me.
The game is so over... It never started. I got tired of waiting for what
never was and never will be. I tried to make it happen by myself... relationships
don't work like that. But I CAN make happiness happen by myself if I'm by
No one is going to shit bullshit all over my mind, heart, trust, love...
HELL NO! He never deserved the chance he had in the first place, and he
lost it because he never tried to be worthy of it... It was too embarrassing,
too bothersome, he just didn't want to try, it was easier to lose me than
give me a reason to stay...
And that's exactly what happened.
The world doesn't owe him to serve all his whims without earning them, and
I sure as hell don't either.
Everything that I gave him was only because I thought that he was doing
the same. Now that I understand that he was not, that he doesn't even want
to try, ever, and never intended to... Because it was easier to give me
false hope bullshit and manipulate me... torturing me emotionally and mentally...
so he could abuse me...
*Throws him in the trash where he belongs with utter disgust*
He's dead to me. I never loved him. All I ever loved was a lie. He coerced
my cares out of me by manipulating me with guilt and pity. I don't even
have that anymore.
I don't give a shit about what he wants. He wouldn't even make the efforts
for himself to get what he wants until it was too late. He won't do it for
anyone else either. I refused to be his brainwashed slave.
He literally sickens me and all I need is my own health.
I knew it from the start that he was like that, trying to hide who he is
because he thinks that he's unworthy of love. But I wanted to show him that
he was, I patiently tried to encourage him to trust me, open up and share
his deep thoughts, opinions and feelings, and that I would respect and love
him as long as it's the truth... But he never gave me a chance. Never. He
never gave me a chance to sow him that he didn't need to manipulate me to
get kindness from me. But he thought that he didn't deserve any... and after
manipulating me heartlessly for so long... no I agree... After emailing
me against my will after I told him not to...
He reminds me of all the other people who tried to force themselves on me,
even tried to rape me... tried enough to give me scars on my body... The
worst part wasn't the terror or even the scars... but that sick fuck said
that he wanted to make love~ He said that he didn't want to rape me... That
this was love... While I was shrieking in terror, crying and bleeding in
pain... He was so selfish and blind by it that he called it love. Being
treated with hatred by the people who hate me, I can handle because I understand
the logic behind it... But if something so painful is love, then I never
want to be loved for the rest of my life... He did worse than hurt me...
He made me close my heart to love, he made me lose trust in love itself,
from anyone, ever.
It took me a lot of effort and courage to open my heart to Tij, I had all
the possible reasons to KNOW that I could get badly hurt... But I tried
anyway, because I thought that he might be worth the risk... And all along
he didn't think that I was worth to bother... he took... but he never opened
his heart nor revealed himself vulnerable... It was easier to abuse and
But I am not a victim. Even pedophiles that where much stronger than me
never succeeded, I stupidly give too much and too kindly, but no one ever
succeeded to gain something by force against my will. If I refuse, I'll
find a way to defend myself, by any means necessary.
And now that I no longer want to try with Tij... now that I see him as just
another asshole who want to abuse me... he won't get anything from me either.
By harassing me with another email after I told him not to and to leave
me alone, that I don't want him in my life anymore... After trying to force
himself on me against my will... He reminded me of pedophiles, it wasn't
offline, it wasn't about sex... But it was the same mindset and attitude.
Selfish, careless and abusive. He's as low in my eyes as the people that
I despise the most in the world. You don't get back up from that in my esteem.
It's impossible to win me over after personally breaking my trust, I tried
after that his hateful video, telling me how much he hates to share with
a deep rage... how much he hates to talk to a camera... to me... I never
trusted him again.
It was over at that moment. It was over at the moment that he stopped to
act according to his words... and since he never did... we never started
a relationship. I was merely waiting for him to get his head out of his
ass and get on with it. I usually get sick of people after a few days, or
weeks... but I lasted months, almost a year... And he looked down on my
efforts saying that it wasn't a long time... months relentlessly giving
my best everyday, opening myself up, vulnerable, warm, devoted, trying my
hardest, doing the best of the best... While he wouldn't even try... and
he mocked me saying that he expect me to suffer like that for a decade before
even considering bothering to give me some effort, trust and respect. He
can go to hell!
He gave me quantity instead of quality. He gave me a lot of sparkles to
hide how much he wouldn't share anything personal... Pushing me away then
crying because I was away when he's the one who was hurting me and I couldn't
do anything about it but suffer and watch. It's childish nonsense and I
shouldn't have put up with it, not even for a second! He fooled me so slowly,
like a frog that you boil so progressively that she doesn't notice the deadly
situation until it's too late. I jumped out.... but I got badly burned.
I told him from the start that I didn't want to talk everyday, I thought
that I couldn't control my OCD but I can, he was force feeding me his own.
Now I don't compulsively go talk to my other friends or my site everyday...
But he never stopped even after I brutally told him to leave me alone. All
along, he brainwashed me into codependency, on purpose to exploit me...
because he wouldn't control his greed... Under his influence... all my insecurities,
fears and compulsions got unleashed... Because he gladly pushed my painful
buttons to make sure that I'd give him attention, love and wouldn't be able
to leave. Like a slave... He gave me gifts to lure me while refusing to
share himself with me... Demanding depth while giving me superficial things...
Like a cheating husband expecting a devoted wife but only giving her jewelry
and sexually transmitted diseases instead of respecting her trust and giving
the same efforts to build a relationship... Trying to get more women instead,
letting her try to do all the work by herself... Like a man who expect his
wife to be his pampering mother instead of his equal partner... his mistress
being a much younger girlfriend... having fun with her while his wife cleans
his dirty underwears and cook him dinner. I'd rather be a monk than have
a life like that.
I felt like he was using me as a proxy for his neglectful mother... and
I thought that if I gave him some affection that it would help him have
the self confidence to reach out to good friends and a lover offline...
But instead he put his entire life on my shoulders forever. He abused my
kindness by seeing it as an opportunity to be greedy and selfish as much
as he could manage... instead to share, reciprocate and appreciate. The
only reason that suggested to him to become official lovers is because he
was making huge promises like one... that he wanted to meet me and live
with me forever... He didn't act like a friend, I thought I'd welcome his
feelings because I didn't want him to be rejected... I wanted to believe
in him and give it a try... But I never wanted to marry and live with a
It gave me intense anguish... but I tried to make his dreams come true...
and all along he never intended to go through with it. He never intended
to... It was just lies to impress me and coerce me into giving me the same,
when he wouldn't... Only asking... and I thought that it was obvious that
he'd have to do the some efforts... But to him I wasn't a life partner,
just some genie in a lamp, some slave that he could chain to a cold wall,
a puppet to force to dance with strings... He wouldn't act like a friend,
and he wouldn't act like a lover... He was greedy and wanted the bestest
of the best... but he didn't want to make the efforts to make it happen...
So I felt like I was ripped apart in limbo... I felt even more jerked around
after becoming lovers, but he panicked when I wanted to return to friends
and lower my efforts... He wanted even more... even though he didn't even
intent to try...
In the end when he called me his bestest friend when I was trying to see
if he loved me... I saw that he never did... he couldn't even say that he
loved me... He couldn't even do so little effort... to give me a reason
to smile... But he didn't hesitate to make me cry... over... and over...
He tortured me... I was miserable... He was so careless about me that he
thought that if something made him happy, then I had to be happy too...
So he shamelessly hurt me because it was easier for him... to let me do
all the efforts alone, to even reject me and yet demand the result...
Was he did was completely illogical. If you want to share then give. If
you don't want to share don't expect to receive. Sharing means both. He
just wanted to abuse me. I cannot describe how much he disgusts me, how
horrified I feel, how spiteful I am... He gave me torment, he manipulated
me and harassed me, he acted the same forceful and disrespectful way as
all the other people who hurt me to get what they want against my will...
He gave me worst than death... I curse him.
Leaving him was the only way that I could enjoy my life
again. He was that bad.
He sucked the life out of me by taking too much attention and energy so
much... and I didn't have enough energy left to do my chores, take care
of myself, or take care of my pets. I had 5 aquariums, my fish started to
die from neglect... I gave 2 away... I kept telling him that it was too
much, but then he panicked and begged hysterically to continue... He wouldn't
let me breathe... so much that my pets died. And I allowed that because
I cared about him... Meanwhile he didn't care enough about me to try to
share who he is!!! Because he thought that I couldn't possibly love him
and he tried to fool me as long as he could. He was right. There's no way
I can love someone like that, I don't think I ever did, and I sure as hell
But he doesn't even care about what I feel, even if it's bad, as long as
I give him my attention and talk to him. It's pathetic. Like petting a cockroach.
No way. I encouraged him to follow me with emails after I left because I
didn't want to lose my friends by avoiding my enemies... It wasn't to encourage
him to harass him after being seen as an enemy and told to leave me alone!!!
Replying me for two months while I wouldn't means that he sent 60 emails
in a row! That's some major harassing stalker!
I basically got that in one day because I wasn't checking my emails before
or ignored them in the trash where he kept going... I was freaking out!
I deleted them without reading it all. They where all the same... harassing
me to give him what he wants and more more MORE!!! Pushing hard and relentlessly,
stabbing me where I'm the most vulnerable and twisting the blade in the
wound until I obeyed hoping to make him stop hurting me... Until I realized
that the only way wasn't to appease him by giving him what he wants... The
true only way is to get rid of the problem: HIM!
My pets died of neglect because he pressured me into taking care of him
more than I should have, even more than a parent should at his age, more
than he wanted to take care of me, more than he wanted to take care of himself...
more than I wanted to... coercing me against my will with vicious emotional
manipulations. I was so tired to devote so much time
to him everyday that I didn't notice my fishes getting sick from neglect
until it was too late and many died.
Now I'm sick of him and I won't let him kill me too.
I neglected all the things that I love to do, that I love, that makes
me who I am... I lost myself... I became his empty shadow... to be the slave
of his greed and every wants... with nothing but bullshit in return... I
won't make the same mistake again. The very thought that I ended up doing
that disgusts me. I will forget him, but I won't forget the lesson that
I must learn from it, the lesson that I almost died to learn and must remember
I must take care of myself first and balance my life. Some wishes are too
greedy and selfish to be granted, it just reward people's flaws and can
only worsen them. It's true even about my own. I must blossom my strength,
not nurture my insecurities, or I'll become an easy prey for the worst abusive
liars who'll use false hope to lure me out of desperation... without having
or being willing to offer anything meaningful. I resent him for treating
me this way... when I was trying so hard to show him that I'd stay if he
didn't... how much better it feels to be treated sincerely and warmly...
but he never wanted to try... It was easier this way... easier to hurt me
than make me smile... easier to make it so much harder on me that he should
have been. I am so appalled by how he treated me I can't even describe.
I think the only reason why he doesn't want to let me go is because I'm
the only person who where caring enough to fall for his manipulative bullshit.
It wasn't out of stupidity.
I wanted to give him a chance to have a healthier relationship, but he never
wanted to try to share, he deliberately preferred to hurt me and stay behind
his wall even though he liked my way better, he refused to threat me with
the same respect. He doesn't want another chance to show me that he's worthy
of trust, he admitted himself that he doesn't care that he broke me, only
to get what he wants from me back... He wants more attention and he thinks
that he can get it from me. He even provokes me on purpose so I'd get pissed
off and be unable to resist replying him to tell him wrong... or even to
tell him to shut up... or even mock him... Because any ways is fine with
him, he thinks that he can just dive any hook, as long as he gets me talking,
the fish is still there, and he can claw what he wants from me... He can
reel me in little by little and make me compliant.
I was never there to fulfill his needs forever, I was simply there temporarily
to give him the self confidence to do it himself. He refused to try, he
chose to exploit me instead. Like eating the wings on an angel and then
blaming them because they can no longer fly. People like that turned me
into a demon.
I was hoping to share gifts with each other... because I needed help too...
But he swallowed my gift whole, along with the arm that gave it, then shat
it on me. Then he asked for the other arm. I said no and fled for my life
in pain... He cried because I wouldn't let him hurt me yet again. Begging
to hurt me... Relentlessly harassing me to hurt me. Thinking that he's doing
me a favor by trying to take it by force against my will... and that it
entitles him to it just because he wants to... that I owe him because he
gave me attention that I absolutely refused... Fucking psycho. Maybe he'll
turn into a pedophile rapist in his mid life crisis. Doing what he wants
by force against people's will, and thinking it's for their own good because
it feels good to him... It's so disgusting...
NO means: if you insist I will hate you even more, and if you try to take
it by force I'll hurt you back even harder until you're the one who's scared
to get near me.
I refuse to let him have power over me. I refuse to let him come into in
my life, my heart, my head and not even in my memories. I acknowledged him
as a threat and I'm getting rid of him by any means necessary.
I don't even owe him the pain that he gave me, I'm sure he'd like that.
The only thing that I owe is to myself to be safe, healthy, and happy...
And he's in the way so I'm just going to ignore him until he faces and understand
the truth. I reject him completely and forever.
The reason why I wrote so much is for the same reason I still think about
the pedophiles I met years later... No, I don't care about them. No they
don't have a chance with me. I write a lot because I'm upset... Because
what he did is gross. He replied everyday, even after he emailed me again
he didn't give me one day to go check my mail and reply... He kept hammering
me with more messages 2 days in a row... 2 in the same day... That's some
major obsession and compulsion... it's getting dangerous. He never even
tried to find inner peace and get himself under control in 2 months! His
bad energy disturbed my inner peace, and I worked really hard to overcome
the bad mental state he put me in. He contaminated me with his OCD... Hoping
to trigger mine and milk it for attention again... NO. I'll let it run dry
on my own web site. I don't even want to talk to him to tell him to leave
me alone, because I've been clear. I made dozens of arts about it and he
still refuses to respect my boundaries.
I'm not being a codependent, I don't want this, I'm being assaulted!
And he thinks that he's doing me a favor and that I owe him for this disrespectful
harassment and stalking against my will... He's denying me the right to
make my own decisions, to have my own feelings and to be my own person instead
of just his toy. Revolting!
If he was doing this offline, I would call the police,
I'd carry one of my knives with me wherever I go to defend myself about
his relentless harassment, stalking and emotional attacks against me...
He insulted me when I first tried to leave, calling me weak, trying
to destroy my self esteem so I wouldn't find the dignity to leave his mistreatments.
Continuing to take emotional abuse isn't being strong, it's allowing someone
to destroy us. I ran to save myself because I was withering in misery because
of how he threaded me.
When he told me that he likes to provoke people at school into fights to
vent his frustrations... I thought that this is how bully behaves... and
I felt bullied... intimidated and coerced into giving him whatever he wants...
with sick and twisted mind games that seriously damaged me emotionally...
I felt guilty to just skip a day, I felt so bad about it that I had physical
symptoms... Like a drug addict... but more like a slave scared to get punished...
He made me think that something horrible would happen to him and that it
would be all my fault if I didn't give him everything he wanted everyday...
That he's suffer, that he could even die... that without me he'd never allow
someone else in his life... that it's all my responsibility and will be
my fault if he's miserable all his life, he even said that he'd kill himself...
So subtly, disguised as love... But it was massively intense coercion and
manipulation... mentally and emotionally violent... He used terror to coerce
me into submission... I was so scared that I couldn't even leave one day!!!
Even when I wanted to, needed to or was sick! Sure he told me that I could...
but he subtly added that it would make him suffer and that I'd be an awful
person... Well, I overcame that in a simple manner: I acknowledged that
he's hurting me willingly because he likes what he easily gains from it...
And to break the brainwash all I had to do is to stop giving a damn whether
he suffer or even dies. Because it was either him or me... And my own life
is more important.
When I felt in pain from the withdrawals, the fear of change and being alone...
I just reminded myself the hell that I'd be running back to... Someone who
refuse to try, who don't want to share, who don't care if I beg and cry
because it's easier for them to let me suffer neglected and get everything...
Easier to mess with my head and heart than make the effort to give me something
real... Because it's much easier to pretend, so much easier to dream, than
make an actual goddamn effort... And he admitted that everything that he
gives he only to make me give him even more.
It wasn't to make me smile, not even on Valentine's Day, it was just to
compete and crush me... He wouldn't risk his ego to make me feel loved.
He wouldn't appreciate me... He'd whine in self pity to force me to pamper
him instead to earn it by giving kindness too! Ripping my mind and heart
apart by not even respecting his own words, my feelings, nothing... Just
a big pile of bullshit force fed by twisting my heart, ripping it open and
forcing his way in... Not by being kind, not by being warm, by being a fucking
pathetic brat trying to get pity by whining and making demands. I suggested
being lovers because I didn't realize his age... Because this is just text...
but he's an immature child... It is wrong for me to have a relationship
with him... I don't want to be a pedophile, I refuse to let him turn me
into what I hate most when I don't even want him.
I wanted to love him as a person, without sex whatsoever. People have been
so brutal with me about sex that I don't want it for the rest of my life.
But I can't love someone who makes me cry and he does.
It took a lot of will power to accept the love of someone so far away in
place and age group... and all along he didn't love me, he couldn't even
say it, he just wanted to take it from me. I feel like I'm the one who was
the vulnerable one who got abused... I was so concerned about not abusing
someone younger than me that I didn't notice how much he was in fact the
selfish predator willing to exploit my vulnerabilities to gain what he wants
even if it hurts me. I'm too old for this shit!!! I had enough for the rest
of my life! I gave up on sex and I gave up on ever being loved too! It took
so much courage for me to give him my love... and all along he didn't even
tried! He didn't want to give, he just wanted to take! He didn't want to
let me know him, he just wanted to take!
I can't love someone as a person if he refuses to open his heart and mind
to show me who he is! I can't love what I don't even know. But I found out...
observing him talk and act... and he's not consistent... for someone insecure
and wounded like me... that's sheer torture. For someone who value honesty
and truth... this is the worst insult. For someone who suffered enough to
become insane but still trying to face the harsh reality, lying to me with
false hopes to bait and exploit me is pushing my sanity off a cliff. He
twisted the facts into complete fallacies, blaming me for his own actions
when I wasn't even there to make him change his mind... He just got tired
of his own crap and admitted the truth between two doses of bullshit...
That he doesn't want to share, he doesn't want to bother, he thinks I'm
not worth the effort, he doesn't trust me to risk it, he doesn't care if
it hurts me because he doesn't want to try... to give... because he thinks
that he can take whatever he wants even if I'm broken and crying... and
that it's even easier this way. Monster.
The fact that he think that I should be happy to be abused like that, that
he's doing me a favor... is like a rapist expecting thanks after forcing
themselves on you while you scream no, beg and cry... and that he just continues
because he wants it and doesn't even care if you suffer and die, as long
as he gets what he wants... I'm so relieved that Tij lives too far away
to touch me... because with his forceful attitude refusing to take no for
an answer, refusing to acknowledge the pain that he causes because he likes
it... that attitude can turn someone's life into hell... And now that he
harass me by email after I said no, trying to push, manipulating me emotionally,
I see how miserable I was and why...
It's even worse than I thought... He never wanted to open me his heart...
but he also wanted to claw out mine... and he prefered to do it in the most
abusive and hurtful way... because it was the easiest and most rewarding
way for him... and he didn't care about me, he only pretended, acting like
it without feelings behind it, so he could fool and take from me. I constantly
felt his cold wall, pushed away... Like I was just being observed... I thought
that he was in an armor, inside a wall, trapped and I wanted to help him
be free... But I was the one in a cage, trapped in a cold wall unable to
escape while he picked at me, devoured me, sucked my very life dry... That's
why I was crying... He devoured my heart carelessly and mercilessly while
denying me his own... While ignoring my limits and needs completely, even
ignoring the fact that it hurts and destroys me... That's how much he only
cared about getting more from me... He's sad like a rapist going to jail
regretting to have been caught, but he was proud of himself until he had
to pay for it, and he wants to do it again. He wants
one more chance to rip my heart out of my chest and eat it.
a bear eating their own babies. I hate bears, wolves don't do this shit.
He refuses to acknowledge that I don't want him to email me... What if he
was living nearby... he'd try to force his way into my home, kidnap and
rape me refusing to respect my free will about that too!!! That's how seriously
bad his shit is. Thankfully emails are easy to block by myself. But it's
still giving me a stress that I need to get rid of. It's a post traumatic
stress trigger... echoing with all the other harassment and abused that
I lived... reopening the wounds that he gave me while I tried so hard and
he wouldn't... and all the wounds that I had in my life.. This shit has
to stop. Seeing him harass me like that made me realize that he never respected,
cared or loved me for who I am and never will... He only wanted what he
could claw out of me and never cared when it was only hurting me, so he's
not sincere now either, he just want his toy back... so he can break me
some more to abuse me, because it's easier than giving me real love... giving
me genuine affection is too embarrassing for him. But lying and hurting
me is easy.
No way in hell! All I want is the damn peace. He must stay away from me!
He wasted his chances by not trying, I'm not going to let him hurt me again.
I don't want to, the idea to share affection or even talk to him disgusts
me so much I want to puke. I saw my previous arts and I feel repulsed that
I gave that much kindness to someone who didn't respect me enough to try
to avoid making me feel lonely, rejected, hurt, and who would harass me
against my will. There's so much bullshit in what he did and said that I
can't even describe it, no matter how hard I try to make sense out of it,
because it's pure nonsense of a mindless beast without a heart. I always
hated bears, I tried to give him a chance, I bitterly regret it.
The idea to share more is preposterous! He doesn't want to share. And being
selfishly sad for something that he inflicted on me is beyond arrogant!
Hiding behind a mask of self depreciation to manipulate people into not
asking anything out of him, while he coerce people to give him whatever
he wants out of the goodness of their charitable heart... He thought that
I was an endless water well where he could take as much as he wanted and
shit in it as much as he wanted, and that it would always taste good.
His careless greed made him destroy the very thing that
he wanted, he can only blame himself.
He should have tried his best to nurture the relationship so it'd be sustainable
and worth it for me to continue. Instead he clawed everything, more and
more, until everything became soiled with shit and empty... This is why
I loathe humanity... they act like a virus... like cancer... Unable to take
care of anything or anyone, not even themselves... Unable to plan ahead
except for deceit and manipulations... But with fake efforts you only get
fake results. Someone can't survive on fake food... And a heart cannot survive
on fake love. Mine sure as hell didn't.
It took me a long time to nurture it back to health with my own strength,
while he kept begging me to do it for him without trying to figure out how
to do it for himself and then for others too... Now that my heart is stronger
and happy again... I'm not going to share that with someone who refuse to
share, refuse to open his heart, refuse to respect my limits and avoid hurting
me... Any stranger with a clean slate deserves a chance to make me smile
more than such a failure. He made me cry several times... I stayed but my
feelings weren't there anymore... and I don't want to live this lie. Nothing
good can come out of it. It didn't and it won't. Maybe for him, but not
for me. I thought it did but he was just a fraud. I'm done letting him take
me for a fool! I was never fooled... I was waiting for him to understand
how wrong it was and to decide that I was worth trying to do better and
I gave him kindness so he'd see that I'm trustworthy enough to open his
heart kindly... without manipulations and deceit... But instead he saw it
as proof that his deceit was working to milk everything out of me, and he
tried to manipulate and abuse me even harder instead... I gave him a reason
to trust me, he used it as an excuse to fool me even more... He turned all
the chances that I gave him into a weapon to hurt me, to stab my heart out...
Instead to just let it blossom gently with kindness... He thought that he
won... but everyday was just a test. And I had enough information to judge
him... and I judged that he's more bad than good for me.
I wished to find a reason to trust another human being, open my heart and
share... but he always refused and painfully gave me reasons not to. He
didn't, therefore I will no longer. And if he finds that mean and unfair,
then he shouldn't have treated me this way.
I asked him to either
reciprocate as much as he asked me, or agree to share less so I wouldn't
be constantly disappointed and frustrated. He kept demanding more and denying
me the same favor. He had no mercy for me when I was
in pain and begged him. He wouldn't even try! I won't either.
I'm leaving him out of my life. Because this is what I
Lisa Of Shades
20 April 2016
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Insanity wolf ~ Shut up!
Shut up! Stop harassing me! Get the hell out of my life!
He kept writing to give him more attention even if it's just to tell him
that I don't want to give him attention. He refuses to understand what this
NO! GO TO HELL! LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP REPLYING ME! I DON'T WANT YOU! I
HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO SUFFER! I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU GET HURT AND KILL
Denial... refusing to respect someone's limit... refusing to care about
their feelings... refusing to open his heart and mind so he could see, receive
and understand what I'm trying to say... In complete denial... Just doing
what they want even if it hurts the other badly and make them cry... Without
any consideration for them... abusing them like objects without free will...
This is why I was so miserable... I finally understand now... and he
should understand that I don't want him in my life by the mere fact that
I don't even look at his emails and that I am appalled to see his trash
in my stuff.
I'll just ignore him and move on... He's been nagging me for months,
trying to break my resolve and self esteem the way he broke my trust and
capacity to love. Other people are showing me that friendship doesn't have
to hurt, that we can just spontaneously enjoy each other with enthusiasm
instead of coercion and manipulation. I am slowly healing from what he did
to me... and I won't waste my gifts on him ever again. I know what happens
when I do. He makes me regret it.
He's dead to me. I regret ever meeting him... I felt dread when I saw
him, I felt that something painful was going to happen... and now I understand
why, after going through the storm of shit and feeling such distress and
sadness from how he treated me, by expecting the worse and treating me like
the worst... With spite... like an enemy to fight back... pushing me away
and stabbing me while whining for me to get closer... Torture. Pure relentless
mind blowing and heart ripping torture.
I never should have given him a chance in the first place... My intuition
warmed me and I didn't want to have prejudices and reject someone without
a reason... He gave me too many painful reasons, I don't know how I can
explain because his behavior is so incoherent.
But I don't need a reason. I don't want him in my life. I'm happier this
way. That's what I need, and my survival is more important than his greedy
I gave him the best treasure that I could give with all my efforts, strength
In return he refused to try and made me cry.
I never should have tried. I regret it. I never will again. It's pointless
to try to explain him because all he wants is the attention and dive his
claws in me deeper and deeper...
If they wanted to understand, care for you and respect you... They would
You can't force them to shut up. But you can grant your own wish... You
can stop talking to them. Run away, flee for your life! This is toxic, this
will drain your emotional energy until your body is literally exhausted
and sick... Mental energy is the same as muscular energy... We can die from
fighting from exhaustion... physically... and mentally...
That's why people have limits... in what they can give and what they
He didn't care if he was slowly sucking the life out of someone who was
already sick from adrenal fatigue... He knew that I almost died from being
abused by people who only cared about what they could take from me without
caring about what it did to me...
He bullied my heart, exploited me, abused me, harassed me... People like
that almost killed me... He made me whither, my mind, joy to live and very
life... He turned me into a mindless codependent slave... It was hard to
break free, it was hard to rebuilt myself...
He almost killed me and he wants to keep taking more and more...
And this is why I threw my kindness away. This is why I became a misanthrope.
This is why I became evil.
Because no one else would protect me from this but the rabid wolf lurking
in my survival instinct.
I went to see the jungle book... The bear was a con artist, lying and
manipulating, to get everything he could. He manipulated the kid to make
him steal all the honey, even though he didn't needed so much because he
never had any and always managed to survive without it... he made the kid
believe that he'd die if he didn't go get stung painfully, while the bear
watched from a safe distance without trying for himself... He took all the
honey, without letting any for the bees... And I thought that they would
starve, that there would no longer be any bees to pollinate the flowers,
no longer able to turn into fruits, and that all the other animals would
stave, from the bottom of the vegetarian food chair to the top predators...
all because a fucking bear wouldn't stop his greed, wanted it all, without
leaving anything for the bees who did all the hard work, taking everything
from them while he didn't earn anything.
And I thought... Damn I fucking hate bears. That's what Tij did to me.
Manipulations, getting me hurt for his own benefit, abuse, extortion...
And I don't want him in my life. He will never stop himself, but I can ignore
No matter what I say he'll twist it into what he wants to hear because he'll
see the attention as a permission to do whatever he wants to me. I'll leave
him alone with his own lies and delusions.
And he's one of my little secret... Someone who's aware of being crazy...
is actually not crazy. It's the people who never take the time to question
themselves who truly do insane shit.
I don't want to be like that, I don't want to be like him. I stepped back
and looked at what I was doing... And I saw myself slowly withering in depression
and exhaustion while my suffering made him happy carelessly.
I took a break, it allowed me to step back and see the bigger picture, and
I saw that I never wanted it in the first place... I doubted myself and
explained to him... but he stabbed me in the heart even more... even when
he begged me to give him whatever he wanted he kept hurting me... He never
stopped to look at what the hell he was doing to me and himself. He never
took the time to make up his mind, make a choice, and give it his best to
reach it... He ran in any direction like a mindless rabid animal... I focused
on trying to make it work too much, I tried too hard, he made it too hard
on me... it's not worth it... And now I'll let go and focus on myself and
the people who don't need to be forgiven because, unlike him, they never
hurt me. They're the one who deserve my attention, kindness and chances.
Not someone who clearly can't make up his mind and can't even respect his
very own words! Can't even take care of his own wants, refuse to try, not
even for his own sake to avoid destroying what he wants with neglect and
Even if he had qualities and something to give, it's not worth the pain
that come with it.
I gave him a clean slate, he shat on it and ripped it apart because it was
easier this way. I'm not going anywhere near that. I tried. It didn't make
me happy. It even made me cry.
I can't stop him because I only have power over my own life, but I do have
the power to stop myself.
He refuses to acknowledge my will, but I don't need his permission to leave.
I don't even need to tell him. I did so he wouldn't torture himself waiting
for months... But he saw that as a chance to try to abuse me again and tried
to torture both of us. I'm out. I want nothing to do with his shit. It's
too late, I can't even look at a bear or my own art without feeling disgusted.
There's no going back from how much he traumatized me.
The good that refused to try then won't happen. The pain that he caused
me can't be undone, but I can stop him from getting the "chance"
to hurt me again.
I can stay away from him. And that's exactly what I want and am doing.
Lisa Of Shades
20 April 2016
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Insanity wolf ~ Plenty of fish in the sea
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Too bad you're a
pig. Go drown.
My previous relationship was with a bear who mauled me, this is a more general
ideas because I'm moving on. The expression "plenty of fish in the
sea" mean that there are more people in the world to have a relationship
with, a more compatible one, who can appreciate and love you.
"Too bad you're a pig" is because maybe no one will want a slob
who threats them like garbage. Except maybe another pig. Many people are
very close to pig, rolling in their filth all day. Obsessed with bacon,
they end up looking like one. "You are what you eat". If you eat
garbage, you're going to look garbage.
I saw a nice demotivational poster
about the fish expression. Sharks surrounded by swarms of fishes. The sea
was full and you could only see empty circles where the sharks where. Just
because there are fishes in the sea doesn't mean that they will want you.
I think I should stay alone. It was so hard to let go of what can never
be and move on... So hard to accept that I can't make it work no matter
how hard I try because he doesn't even want to try... And I couldn't do
it alone... I moved on and I was happy... I thought I'd die at first because
I was so sad and so addicted... so dependent... so codependent... like a
junkie and I even forgot who I am as I slowly forgot my needs to focus on
his wants... But I moved on... and I broke free... and I felt stronger,
happy and liberated... Like I could break free of my sick patterns...
I might not be able to get a healthy relationship because I'm not healthy
myself, but I can find the courage to move on from something that I don't
have the energy for, and focus my energy on me so I can heal... and I did...
But then he made another email to bypass blocking him and harassed me saying
that he'll wait for me for months, forever, for as long as it takes to get
me back... I felt trapped... suffocating... Like I'd never be free... never
be able to move on from the torment he gave me... like it can only get worse...
He wanted me to be miserable because he only cared about himself... I saw
how much I made the right choice leaving... I stopped having regrets...
I never desired to be so alone in my life. I've never been so happy to be
He suffocated me and refused to take his hands off my throat even when I
wasn't there... Instead to let go he pretended I was still there and kept
replying himself everyday, giving me countless messages in one shot that
scared me away even more... I've done gore in my site... but he really freaked
me out and away. I'm never going back. He haunts me... but he won't get
a reward for it. I'm ignoring him so either way, he's away from me and I'm
denying him my energy... I want him out of my life, out of my mind. But
he's been out of my heart for a long time.
We both blamed me for getting angry when he refused to share videos after
claiming so hard that he'll move here with me... I got angry and twisted
his arm not because I wanted a video, I never did, and I didn't even want
to chat again... No, I got angry because when he refused my efforts to grant
HIS wish... I saw how much he's been bullshitting me all along and refusing
to many any efforts... Bullshitting me with grandiose ideas to impress me
so I'd be the one working hard for him, while he didn't mean a word, when
he just wanted attention... Even negative one... Without any dignity...
self respect and self love... just greed... and that's why I first felt
showed with love at first... then crushed and exhausted under his greed...
then I noticed that he has no respect for me... and that's why he prefer
to keep hurting me than respect that I need to go... I'm so horrified by
him, and not in a funny way.
If I'm doomed to repeat my past relationships, doomed to only have fucked
up people because I'm fucked up, people who'll fuck me up even more... Then
I'd rather be on my own and try to improve myself... Than indulge in the
worst of me because someone wants to exploit my weaknesses... He really
did follow me when I left all my friends at Kat because I was a cornered
prey... and he won't stop hunting me down... as if I had no say... Only
claiming what he wants with no regard for what I need... I regret meeting
him, loving him, smiling for him... I regret letting him fool me. I regret
wasting my energy on hi, trying so hard for him, when he didn't want to
try at all for me...
If that's the best that I deserve, then I'd rather have nothing. If I'm
like him, then I'd rather be by myself because I can't handle two at once.
I found solace in solitude.
Lisa Of Shades
Image: 22 April 2016
Text: 23 April 2016
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