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Insanity wolf ~ Life choices
Insanity wolf ~ Loyalty
Insanity wolf ~ Fool
Insanity wolf ~ Worthless
Insanity wolf ~ Haters
Insanity wolf ~ Life choices
Stop arguing with my life choices. I'm obviously insane and that's the way
I like it!
That's about the people who write mean comments when I share torrents. But
it can be about any harassment and bullying. Don't mess with crazy people.
Lisa Of Shades
Image: 13 April 2016
Text: 23 April 2016
Back to list ^
Insanity wolf ~ Loyalty
BEING LOYAL IS RESPECTING THE TRUST THAT SOMEONE GIVES YOU. NOT HARASSING
SOMEONE AFTER YOU BROKE THEIR HEART!
Two very wise sites to absolutely read... whether you are the victims who
need to understand how dangerously bad they're being treated... or the abusers
who really need to look at the destructive damage that they're doing to
what they want and STOP!
How to spot and stop manipulators
Eight easy ways to spot an emotional manipulator
New friends wanted to join my group and when I went to add them, I noticed
that he started to harass me there too... I eventually reported him after
discovering the button. I looked into my trash hoping that he'd stop and
move on, it's giving me anguish to be harassed... I added his new email
to the trash automatically but who knows what he'll try to do to me next...
If this was happening offline, I would call the police.
This isn't being
a good friend, he wasn't even being a good friend when I was with him! That's
why I left. He broke my trust and heart and didn't even care because he
thought that he could get what he wanted anyway. I read his last email and
it disgusted me even more. He thinks that harassing me against my will after
I told him to leave me alone... is kind and doing me a favor. It's like
a rapist claiming that he did nothing wrong because sex felt good to him
AND that the raped victim owe him to have sex with him again the return
the favor!!! I want him DEAD!!!
Giving me something that I want would
be a gift that I wouldn't have to return, otherwise it wouldn't be done
with love to make me smile, it would be done with greedy selfish ulterior
motives, making the gift a bribe, bait, manipulation to get something...
There's no love or even friendship in this. But imposing something that
someone DOESN'T WANT, against their will, as if they have no say in this,
as if they weren't a person but a mere possession! That's already violent...
but thinking that it deserves a reward to harass, assault and abuse someone...
that's beyond deluded, sick and wrong!!!
If I had known that he has no regard for my feelings, choices and who I
am, I NEVER would have spoken to him in the first place. The first time
I saw his bear avatar, I had an intense feeling of dread... I think the
distress that he's making me feel now echoed so hard that I felt it into
He even said that he's surprised and impressed that I've resisted so long...
resisted his assault so long... as he tried to beat down my very will and
identity. He said that he wants me back no matter what... Even if I hate
him... which means that he wants me to be MISERABLE with someone that I
hate instead to be happy with someone else that I love. He wants to own
me like an object even if I hate him, even if I have no love for him, because
he doesn't care to have his love returned, he doesn't even feel love, just
obsessive possessive greed!!! He has no respect for himself if he wants
someone who despises him instead to find someone else and try to avoid making
the same cruelties, so he indeed never respected me and never will. Being
with someone I hate, who hurt me by harassing me, who keep disgusting me
every time he speaks to me, the mere fact that he keeps replying without
my consent is painful, but the inconsiderate horrors that he writes makes
me wish that he'd just die already.
He's completely insane... thinking that painful harassment
is loyalty... thinking that it would make me happy to be with someone I
hate... thinking that it's fair to demand everything and not even trying
in return... Just because he could!? No, he couldn't. And for the sake of
everyone that he'll ever meet, especially my own, I must never go back to
him.. Because then maybe he'll understand that how he treated me FROM THE
START!!! Was WRONG!!!
He wrote that he only said that he doesn't want
to share because I replied that I don't care. But I said it AFTER he wrote
that. I was gone for weeks! He contradicted himself while I wasn't even
there! And I wouldn't throw a relationship away just for one offence...
He repeatedly stabbed my heart by refusing to share SINCE THE BEGINNING!
CONSTANTLY! I didn't leave on a whim... I agonized in misery for weeks!
I begged him LITERALLY CRYING to return me some love and not just take it...
To make some effort... to put some heart into it... to open up... He said
that it's embarrassing and that he refuses to bother for me... Then I won't
bother for him!!!
He kept saying that he doesn't want to open up, he doesn't want to share,
he doesn't want me to know him because he's boring... Then what else did
he expect, OF COURSE I LEFT!!! HE PUSHED ME AWAY! CONSTANTLY!!! He even
pushed what I gave him away... he even got aggressive when I tried to grant
his wish. I NEVER wanted to take our relationship offline, I didn't even
want to chat live, I made videos for him, he spat on them and stabbed me
in the heart! I owe him nothing but the pain and agony that he gave me...
and the anguish that he tries to continue to force on me by harassing me...
I feel violated. It's not a gift when someone doesn't want it. I wouldn't
owe him anything even if I wanted it, he sure never bothered to return my
efforts!!! My motto "Return what is given to you no matter if it makes
you grateful or vengeful" was never to force me to devote myself to
abusive forceful people!!! IT WAS TO AVOID IT!!! It gives me the permission
to give pain to the people who hurt me!!!
Harassing me trying to give me things that I DO NOT WANT
is not giving me something nice, IT'S HURTING ME!!!
PAIN is what I should return... but that would make him happy because he
wants any kind of attention, that would encourage him to harass me more...
I'll never speak to him again, not even to tell him to leave me alone, I
said it many times already and he has no respect for me. He wants me to
say it to get a foot in the door, then to ask being acquaintances, then
friends, then have me spend 5h a day EVERYDAY pampering his every whims
while my pet die of neglect and I get too sick to do my own hobbies... NO!
I was never codependent!!! I was manipulated into becoming a slave by using
my caring heart against me!!! It happened before, people ripped my heart
and mind apart so much that I developed a split personality... The other
me can be as cruel as hell, can only care about my own well being. That's
how I can bypass how caring I can be. There's a self hypnosis phrase to
make me switch about a certain person "I acknowledge him as a threat"...
It means that I give all the worst in me the permission to hurt him, even
kill him, because I absolutely don't care about him anymore, because he
his a threat to my well being, and my ONLY DUTY, the
ONLY THING THAT I OWE, is to myself to protect my life, my heart and my
I don't even owe him the torture that he gave me because he's a complete
waste of energy and deserves NOTHING.
I did a whole lot of research when I left to understand what he put me through...
I'm not going back to that hell. If I had known how he was... I never would
have spoken to him in the first place. Now that I know, he's not coming
back. The more he harass me, the clearer it gets that he never cared about
me, and the more I want him dead.
He's violating my human rights, it's that bad. I said
no, he continues... That's violating. That's psychological and emotional
violence!!! Not a gift to return!!!
How to spot and stop manipulators
at psychologytoday. 8 tips for keeping them at a distance, or breaking free.
1. Know Your Fundamental Human Rights
"The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with
a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize
when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you
have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other
hand, if you bring harm to others, you may forfeit these rights. Following
are some of our fundamental human rights:
- You have the right to be treated with respect.
- You have the right to express your feelings, opinions
- You have the right to set your own priorities.
- You have the right to say "no" without feeling
- You have the right to get what you pay for.
- You have the right to have opinions different than others.
- You have the right to take care of and protect yourself
from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
- You have the right to create your own happy and healthy
These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries."
2. Keep your distance
Avoid, ignore, forget.
3. Avoid personalization and self-blame
- Am I being treated with genuine respect?
- Are this person’s expectations and demands of
- Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way
or two ways?
- Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?
"Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether
the "problem" in the relationship is with you or the other person."
Clearly, I'm not. Otherwise I wouldn't even be doing research about this.
I'm happy alone. He's my only problem.
4. Put the focus on them by asking probing questions
- "Does this seem reasonable to you?"
- "Does what you want from me sound fair?"
- "Do I have a say in this?"
- "Are you asking me or telling me?"
- "So, what do I get out of this?"
- "Are you really expecting me to [restate
the inequitable request]?"
"When you ask such questions, you're putting up a mirror, so the manipulator
can see the true nature of his or her ploy. If the manipulator has a degree
of self-awareness, he or she will likely withdraw the demand and back down.
On the other hand, truly pathological manipulators (such
as a narcissist) will dismiss your questions and insist on getting their
. If this occurs, apply ideas from the following tips to keep
your power, and halt the manipulation."
He's truly sick and wrong. He refuses to hear me, so there's no point in
talking to him at all! The manipulative and abusive way that he treated
me wouldn't be acceptable for anyone, not even himself! It would have been
so much better if he happily opened his heart and saw me smile instead to
cry, but he ignored my tears to delude himself... He even fool himself so
I can't hope that he'll stop trying to fool me! The way he wants to have
the illusion of love by forcing someone who HATE him to be by his side...
It's so pathetic... and dangerous... He could end up kidnapping people and
raping them. Expecting thanks for this monstrosity! I'm crazy... but I control
myself... I am lucid and face reality... He doesn't. He's the most pathetic
narcissist that I have ever seen, they usually are arrogant with inflated
self confidence, but he's a covert using whining and self pity to manipulate...
Disgusting. That's why I first left... Then because I realized that he never
wanted to open me his heart... Then he kept being so disrespectful with
his demands... He even said that he doesn't care that he broke my trust...
that he broke my heart, my mind and me!!! He doesn't
even deserve his own life by refusing to take care of it himself, I'm not
surrendering the control of mine to pamper his whims.
5. Use time to your advantage
Tell them that you'll think about it.
Telling him that I need to rest for a few days because I felt sick allowed
me to take distance from his manipulation and slowly wake up to the sickening
way he was treating me. I felt very confused as the fog of illusion slowly
dissipated, at first I wanted to cling to the beautiful dream because the
truth was so extremely horrific... But then I realized that I'd just be
staying in hell and ran without looking back... And I was so happy and liberated...
Then he found different ways to assault me... and give me anguish... I actually
wanted to consider his request when he emailed me his begging plea with
another email... But when he kept replying everyday before I had the chance
to give him permission... I saw that he thought it was a done deal, that
he wouldn't give me the choice, that he thought I had no say in it, that
only what he wanted mattered and he didn't care what I wanted or if imposing
what he wanted on me would hurt me and ruin my life... I got so appalled
and revolted... I knew that going back to him could only hurt me more...
The satisfaction of seeing someone smile isn't enough when he denies you
6. Know how to say "No" diplomatically
I told him that I don't care that he suffers and wouldn't even cared if
he killed himself, so whining and threats of suicide won't work on me. I
don't want him in my life, to stop talking to me... and the last thing I
told him is to GO TO HELL. That didn't stop him... Then avoid, ignore, forget.
I am thinking of deleting my email so he'd stop thinking that sending text
to my trash is talking to a loved one. It would be tedious to edit the business
that I deal with, and I shouldn't have to go through this at all!!! I'm
scared that he'd find another way to harass me, that he'd continues for
years and even come here because I foolishly gave him my address... It was
so he could reach me if my computer breaks, not to be harassed if I want
him gone and dead!!! If he EVER comes face to face with me, I'm calling
the cops, and I'm probably going to attack him on the spot. He's forcing
things that I don't want, won't take no for an answer, won't even understand
it... I blocked him in my group and he thinks that I replied something welcoming
that he just couldn't read! He's completely delusional. It would only encourage
him to tell him to stop, he's that sick in the head. It's not love, it's
not friendship. IT'S VIOLENCE!!!
7. Confront bullies, safely
"A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates
or harms another person."
- "When people don't like themselves very much, they have to make
up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first." Tom
- "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others."
"I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It's the bully
who's insecure." Shay Mitchell
(He's trying to harass me into compliance by hammering me until I'm too
exhausted to fight back, like a rapist running after his victim until she's
too out of breath to scream... He disgusts me, I want him dead, seriously,
he threatened suicide, I hope he'll do it. He's a bully... And when he told
me that he likes to provoke a fight to vent his frustrations, I thought
that he's acting like a bully. He's clearly bullying me. Harassing me against
my will is an insult! It's painful... I don't owe him my kindest favor for
hurting me, sick fuck! I don't even hate him, that's still passion, I am
disgusted that an insect is crawling in my trash can... That a mosquito
is doing an annoying buzzing sound following me around to suck my blood...
That's how I feel about him. I won't cuddle with this shit, I won't even
talk to it.
8. Set consequences
Otherwise they have no reason to stop... but why would you want someone
in your life who don't mind hurting you if it doesn't hurt them... I guess
they need pain to understand what they're doing... You have to tell them
for them to know... but after that if they continue they're hurting you
willingly... and that's not a mistake, it's assault.
He said it himself, he got lazy and wouldn't bother returning my efforts
and putting his heart into it... because he could. Because he thought that
I'd never have the courage to leave and that he could threat me like shit
as much as he wanted. All he had to do was give me some images and I'd think
that I'm cared about, blinded to the fact that he won't open his heart to
actually put real feelings into our relationship... Just bribes and baits...
Like a rich guy giving jewelry to a wife hen he's caught cheating... to
shut her up, distract her from the real problem, and continue to do whatever
he wants without even trying to compromise... Buying her compliance... Like
a whore... Like an object... without any respect for who she is, her needs,
her feelings, her mind... her dignity... her as a person...
I tried to revert to friends, he begged me and I fell for it... But when
I begged, he brushed me away saying that it's bothersome... that I'm not
worth to bother with. Well, he's not. I'm not spending my life with someone
like that. I thought that I could help him by giving the love that his parents
didn't give him... But when I did he saw it as an occasion to be as abusive
and neglectful as his parents!!! He's not getting away with it. The greatest
thing that I can do for him is to leave... to force him to look at himself...
to look at what he did to me... and to have a better relationship with someone
else in the future.
If I go back, he thinks that harassment work to get what he wants... So
even if I cared, giving him what he wants when he's using emotional and
psychological violence to get it would reinforce the behavior... And either
way, I don't want to be with that kind of monster... He refuses to control
himself. And I can't do it for him, even if I appease him by giving him
whatever he wants... He'll still be violent at his core... and willing to
do it to me... he'll still be violent even if I harm myself giving him what
he wants so he won't do it to me himself... But I can control myself and
LEAVE!!! He's not sad that I left, he's not sad that I don't want or love
him anymore... That's how someone with a heart would react... No, he's frustrated
that I won't obey what he wants... That's anger, desire to control... There's
no respect in this, that's a violent threat.
Eight easy ways to spot an emotional manipulator
1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an
They will twist everything that you say and use it against you.
"[...] Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like
bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one -
if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses.
Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added
to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit."
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing
But it's all talk and no actions. It's just empty promises, when it will
be the time to make a real effort to act according to it, they won't, they'll
betray their own words so they will betray you even more easily. They'll
find some sort of excuse to justify it blamelessly, and will even blame
you! They want the perks from your admiration without earning it.
3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring
you they did not say it.
"If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should
start keeping a log of what's been said because you are beginning to question
your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation."
The first person I met who liked bears contradicted himself so much that
I literally kept a log trying to understand him. His words contradicted
his actions then words contradicted words and actions contradicted actions.
Tij is the same. It's probably to create confusion and insecurities and
their plan is to be seen as the only source of reassurance, when they're
the one destroying your mental health until you're unable to function...
so you can't leave them. FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt
"[...] Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator.
Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they
get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only
form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to
do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful
emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim.
They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture.
Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty
work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never
ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t
want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other
people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line
is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your
own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again."
He did it to me... I felt too guilty to take just one day off even when
I felt in pain all over and needed to rest... Of course he kept saying that
I could but added that it would hurt him... And I think I tend to do that
too... By talking about the sad parts of my life... Like I'm an invalid...
I don't want to be an hypocrite trying to hide it, and it might help people
to understand how I act and think... But I also hope to get special treatment
by understanding my limitations... I hoped to see people care so I'd know
that they're caring people... I wouldn't want to start a relationship with
someone who won't care back... It's probably manipulation. I should stop
sharing that because so far it just attracts abusive people by making me
look like an easy prey. My own mother was a narcissist so I've been trained
to be a devoted slave to appease bullies... That attitude attracted all
the bullies, pedophiles, abuse at work... I was a magnet for the worst kind
Because I cared... and it was used as a weapon against me to abuse me...
Instead to care and nurture EACH OTHER by UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER'S PAIN...
People thought that it was finally their turn to abuse without any efforts...
Tij did... I regret everything that I've given him. I regret meeting him.
I was in a vulnerable time turning my back on almost all my friends... For
much smaller reasons than Tij did to me... Of all the people that I kicked
out... Tij is the only one who truly hurt me and truly is a danger to my
well being. No one else harassed me after I made it clear that they're hurting
me and that I need them to stop... Relentlessly attacking me to make me
crack isn't kindness, isn't loyalty... It's violence.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty.
"[...] They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and
then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. [...] Cry, scream or choke
‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll
probably wind your butt in jail."
He said that he trusts me completely, want to be with me forever, come live
here with me, marry me... But then he wouldn't even trust me with his drawing
hobby because he thought that I'd mock him, even though he saw that I draw
myself. Complete mistrust, treated me like an enemy, pushed me away hostilely...
Wouldn't even show his face in a video so he sure wouldn't have the guts
to move to another country... He just wanted me to give him the highest
degree of care by making me act like offline lovers... when he wouldn't
even call me his girlfriend because it was too embarrassing to tell me anything
nice... I feel so disgusted... He thinks that I walked
away because of a tiny mistake that he blames on me... But the truth is...
I'm tired of the shit that he gave me EVERYDAY!!!
6. (He won't give you cares and sympathy, he'll claim that he has it worse
so YOU have to take care of him even when you're suffering, he doesn't care
"[...] It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected
to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations
and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior
they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish
- or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is
that even though you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible
task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!"
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional
climate of those around them.
"When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums
with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize
the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional
manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with
this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent
you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much
right to have your needs met."
I noticed that my emotions are so intense that I can poison a room, I can't
control the intensity but I try to turn it into happiness... It annoys people
that I'm so hyper, but it's the best I can do for them... It takes a lot
of effort to hide my sadness and anger, but Tij don't make any unless he
think he can receive even more and he told me so... This paragraph made
me realize that I was never codependent... Bad people relentlessly manipulated
me to make me this way. I'm a lone wolf. I'm actually happier on my own.
8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability.
"They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it
is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of
the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt
to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information
that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me"
variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive,
emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that
an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and
there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome."
"Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and
communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think
life is short and precious - the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted
with an emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR ASS TO THE CURB!
A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is
similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic
and potentially fatal virus.
Each brush with it reduces your immunity
and weakens your defenses. It can take more time for
someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship (READ:
ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically abusive
one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is subtle.
It is insidious. It is dangerous.
If you are in it - walk
away and never look back.
Make it a rule!"
Tij never wanted to acknowledge that he was hurting me, an effort to stop
would be bothersome for him so he said that it's easier this way... Easier
to let me suffer until I couldn't take it anymore and left... Then he didn't
accept that he destroyed me and let me move on... He demanded and harassed
me trying to look like the wounded victim, when he's the one who wounded
me, he wanted to hurt me more... He didn't take responsibility for what
he did... he wouldn't even acknowledge my pain, only his... But his pain
is because he pushed me away... and he kept blaming me... but I couldn't
build a sharing relationship alone... Sharing means to give and receive,
he refused to give fairly by opening his heart, and that even made it impossible
for him to receive!!! I grew tired to throw my heart against a wall and
only get superficial things...
I recognize myself in that paragraph... I improved a lot by taking control
of my life. I stopped being a people pleaser and wasting my energy until
I had to beg anyone for help, completely exhausted and destroyed. Now I
get rid of the people who try to suck the life out of me before I end up
desperate. When I have a problem, I get rid of it. That sure solves drama
quickly... Unless the shit harasses me... But avoid, ignore, forget works
well. I have to stop sharing the dark of my life so soon... It scares people
away. I kept thinking that it's a good thing because I don't want to realize
that people don't want to befriend who I am after I grew fond of them. I
hope to find someone who can relate.
But if this is manipulation... and that stopping to focus on my strength
and happiness wouldn't be being a hypocrite, I really hate that kind of
people... my mother was... she was the picture of perfection for visitors
then tormented us violently when no one was watching... If she had put half
the efforts she did on seeming like a good mom on actually being a good
mom, maybe I wouldn't be so messed up... But my health and happiness is
my own responsibility... I don't want to be mean like my mother... But maybe
I am being mean to everyone by revealing my pain... And maybe I'm already
a hypocrite by smiling even when I'm depressed... but that always cheer
me up... So if I have the right to be happy in spite of all the shit that
happened to me... Then I should let go of my past. Otherwise it will keep
haunting me even if there's no one from the past harassing me.
I've been miserable for so long that I don't know how to be happy. I've
been abused for so long that I don't know how to have a relationship with
people who aren't abusive...
But I'm going to let go and find out. I'm letting go of Tij and I'm going
to try to let go of my past... so I can enjoy the present without being
haunted by my past... and so I can welcome a better future.
I intend to enjoy and let go of what I don't. It's my
choice and no one else.
Lisa Of Shades
27 April 2016
Back to list ^
Insanity wolf ~ Fool
I CAN'T BE FOOLED FOR LONG BY SOMEONE AS FOOLISH AS YOU!
When I first blocked in and moved on, I felt like a big heavy ass got pushed
off my chest and I could breathe again. I felt so liberated and happy, since
I was no longer wasting all my energy for someone who didn't even want to
try opening his heart for me, I had so much energy for what I truly liked
and made me truly happy.
When he used another email to bypass my ban and
make sure to harass me, I added another filter to send him to the trash
right away... but it terrified and angered me that he would stoop so low
to harass me against my will... I felt violated... Like I'd constantly have
to struggle against relentless attacks and I dreaded what could come next...
I feared that he'd pretend to be someone else and drag me back into the
selfish abuse with only superficial briberies to manipulate me, and make
me miserable again... Constantly trying to mess with my head, twisting a
blade in my heart hoping that it would make me love him more... Fool.
I also blocked him at kat, he tried to harass me in my group, I deleted
him there too... I discovered the report button and a moderator told him
that I don't want him in my life and to stop to harass me. Finally authorities
could help me and he'd get the message... No, he made another account and
pretended to be someone else... That was my worst fear... but now that it
has happened, after recognizing him right away, I see that it's actually
very simple to block him. He can't fool me. No matter how cunning he his
at his manipulations, now that I know how rotten is his heart and intentions,
I notice right away. He could have used all those efforts to open up and
share something fair and truly care about my well being when I gave him
the chance.. But even when I was at my best, he saw it as a chance to be
lazily and selfishly at his worst, because it was easier for him to make
it way harder on me, and because he thought that he could without ever suffering
the consequences, because he could just make me suffer instead and manipulate
me if I complained... That's psychologically violent. If I had known that
he had no cares for me, I never would have let him in my life. Now that
I know, he's never going to be allowed back. It's MY life. I decide
way I recognized him was easy... The downside of being a caring and attentive
person who genuinely wants to know and care about someone is to be exploited
and abused... But the upside is that I can recognize people just by their
energy. I recognized his neurotic obsessive compulsive nagging pleading
energy. It was very obvious. But I investigated to avoid jumping to the
worst conclusions and let my fears consume me, but it was indeed the worst
He pretended that he came to me because he downloaded the
season 2 of a rare 480p anime, and asked me if I have season 1. He really
put a lot of thoughts in seeming genuine, but that's what gave him away.
If he was sincere, he would have asked in the thread not in private. I didn't
do season 1 because someone else gathered all the episodes in a batch. I
did a research and I noticed that there IS a 480p torrent made by someone
else! It was a sign that he was obsessing over MY stuff, over me. All the
other torrents that he downloaded where HD, only mine wasn't... There where
many HD torrents, only someone who cannot download HD would feel the need
to beg someone for a torrent IF it didn't exist! Or a stalker begging for
attention. I reported him to the same moderator who warned him, they can
compare his IP, but it's obvious already to someone who knew him.
a fox avatar instead of a bear. I use a wolf and my favorite colors are
green and orange... So using an orange wild canine would be appealing to
me. People who use animals for avatars are rare, and people who use anything
different than a cat is even more rare. People who'd use wild animals to
represent themselves are outcasts and not many people would be crazy enough
to advertise being socially inept. I like orange so much that I wondered
why my spirit animal is a black wolf instead of a beautiful fox... But I
didn't chose it, it's what I saw when I explored my mind. A fox is cunning
and manipulative; it doesn't suit my dark side... But it's no wonder that
Tij picked it because he's extremely manipulative and waste his intelligence
trying to fool people. My wolf is an independent protector. It suits me
better. A lack one is actually half wolf half dog. It makes them less scared
and more unpredictable, they don't really fit anywhere, but they're not
completely savage either. It really suits me. A fox doesn't.
at his wall, he changed his birthday but didn't far enough. When I give
a fake one I also keep the same zodiac sign because it feels like part of
my identity, and he betrayed himself that way. He also replied thank you
in Dutch when he downloaded torrents to seem like he's active and not just
making an empty account to stalk me.
He likes drawing knights, he downloaded
how to draw and has a knight image in his status. Coincidence? I think not.
irony is that I made a thread for the first time in almost a year, he could
have PMed me only about it, it would have been the only logical explanation
how a stranger could have met me and been interested in me. I was calling
for help because a good friend blocked me, out of the blue. We never argued,
we never even disagreed, he never told me that he doesn't want to be friends
anymore, and the last thing he sent had a wink smiley at the end. I actually
made another account and PMed him that I think kat might have bugged, I
gave him my email saying that I value his friendship. But if he truly doesn't
want me in his life anymore, I wished to know why, but I respect him and
will never bother him again. And I won't. I don't need someone in my life
who doesn't want me and won't even try to express himself and will brutally
cut me off without even a warning.
I pleaded with Tij for months, from
the start I expressed my limits and my needs and he refused carelessly because
he thought that he could just manipulate me into giving him whatever he
wanted and he didn't care if I was in pain... from the START!!! Not on a
whim at the end. He kept saying that I could at least say so, but I did
MANY TIMES. I even made a huge art project about it, comics that I drew
by hand... He knows why, he just refuse to respect my feelings and my choices...
He refuses to respect me.
I seem to have a lot in common with Tij but there's a major difference.
I do my best to control myself, he does his worst to control others. So
we're actually very different.
I control my OCD by giving myself outlets that can't harm a living being.
I only allow my greed to collect posters and links. It doesn't take much
place, it's free and doesn't hurt anyone. I write a lot too but I'm not
forcing emails on someone who doesn't want to read them. He should make
a Word file called "Diary" and leave me alone. Or make his own
website and let the poor lost souls who wander in decide what they want
I don't collect more cats than I can feed or shovel their shit. I'm sick
and tired to shovel Tij's shit.
I can't stand his stalking OCD and his refusal to stop harassing me... But
I have that mental problem too, I can be very manipulative if I wanted to.
I don't want to, even if I'd be good at it... Because I don't want soulless
puppets around me, I don't want a relationship based on manipulations, coercion,
lies, hypocrisies, manipulations, emotional violence... I don't want to
hurt someone like that. I want someone who genuinely wants to be with me
and share of their own free will. Not a toy to play with, not a tool to
use, but a person. And I won't let someone threat me like that while I do
my best to threat him with respect.
The problem with Tij isn't flaws or
mistakes, everyone have and make them. I wouldn't mind being with a murderer
if he was ready to kill to protect me, that would be reassuring, but the
very SECOND that he tries to kill ME he's out of my life without looking
back. The reason why I kicked Tij out of my life isn't because he reminds
me of myself too much and I didn't like to have a taste of my own neurosis,
when I already have a hard time controlling my own... The reason why I kicked
him out is that he has no desire to control himself to avoid hurting me,
and worse, he deliberately indulge in the worst in himself to do the most
painful things to my mind and my heart... because he thinks that he can
and that it's easier this way... He unleashed his fear, his mistrust, his
greed, his obsession, his manipulations, his selfishness, all his violence
on me... He used his energy to claw at me one sided and try to manipulate
me like an object... He used his energy to overcome my will and crush me
to his... Instead to use his energy to overcome his fears and genuinely
trust me... Instead to overcome his selfish greed and genuinely care and
take my needs into considerations... Instead to overcome his desire for
power and control to feel safe, and make me feel safe instead by letting
me free to chose.
"If you love something, let it free. If it comes
back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was NEVER yours." I'm not
an object to own, I'm a person, I'm always free. I refuse to be coerced
with lies, I value the truth.
I was constantly disappointed with Tij,
not because he didn't give me enough, but because he didn't put his sincerity
and heart into it. He claimed that he wants to move to another continent
marry me and live with me forever, that he trusts me completely. But he
wouldn't even trust me with his hobbies, he wouldn't even show his face
in a video... He bullshitted me to make me give him more than he even wanted
to try to share. He wanted to make the balance unfair in his favor, at my
perils, instead to be fair to me.
The good in him absolutely doesn't matter
because he uses it to manipulate and hurt me... because he chooses the worst
in him instead... and did the worst to me... He damaged me as a person...
I opened my heart and let him touch my soul... and instead to make efforts
to make me smile for the pure pleasure of smiling together... he put chains
and clawed and everything he did was so I'd give him even more... with rotten
selfish intention, and he shamelessly admitted it... He constantly stabbed
my heart... By neglect and abuse... and it takes a really cruel person to
manage to do both at the same time.
When he made a new account... no one
would go straight to a certain user, then straight to their personal website
the very same day that they registered, to neurotically declare their adoration
when there are way better sites for demotivational posters than mine. That
kind of obsession doesn't happen in one day. He had to taste the pleasure
of my love and devotion to behave like such an addict, otherwise that kind
of people could move on easily to anybody else, and I wish he would... Because
I bitterly regret everything that I gave him, I'm not giving more to someone
who want to fool me so much that they pretend to be someone else to keep
I keep hoping that he's email me farewell... So I'd know that
it's finally over, that there isn't a psychologically and emotionally violent
person constantly trying to trap, manipulate, abuse and hurt me for his
pleasure, so delusional that he thinks that he's doing me a favor and that
I should be a willing victim to thank him... Today he wrote that he thinks
that I'm just hating him more and won't return... But that's basically quoting
what I wrote at my site... It's bullshit to make me believe that he's gone
so I'd believe that his new kat account is someone else. But I blocked him
without replying him, I reported him, and I did -1 on his comment to hide
it from my torrent. I want him to disappear.
I couldn't let go after he
came back because I was afraid that he'd try this... I was afraid that I
wouldn't be able to recognize him... but I did... so easily... and I blocked
him... so easily. I'm not scared anymore. I can let go again. Because no
one can force me to love them, that just showed me how much he doesn't deserve
it, and how much he gave me nothing but pain... I don't care about my own
greed; I don't care about what's easier... I'm not letting him in my life
because I simply don't want him. He didn't threat me right. He didn't love
me right. He never loved me... Otherwise he would have respected me and
His life is his problem, not mine.
I'm going to enjoy MY life without fear. Because no matter how cunning someone
can be at manipulating and hurting me, no matter how long it takes me to
figure it out... I always do. I'm done with his bullshit. I'm immune to
it. He can't put hooks and pull on my heart anymore, because he doesn't
have access to it. I don't even feel hatred or pity. I'm indifferent.
All he had to do to stay my friend was to be a genuine caring friend, and
risk opening his heart to at least welcome what he wanted, instead to stab
me in the back with uncaring lies and manipulations for his own benefit.
He thought that he could get more from me while giving less by hurting me...
And he preferred to hurt me... Losing me is the only possible outcome after
sucking my blood dry while letting my heart starve. He did it to me, and
he did it to himself, the consequences cannot be undone. Not for me, and
not for him either.
He asked me to come back even if I hate him... The best he could think of
to make me happy is coerced me so I'd force myself to be with someone who
make me feel so miserable that I can only feel hatred... That's sick.
That's what I got for being the friend of someone too young who never grieved
before. But he'll have to learn that nothing lasts forever and learn to
let go... Just like everybody else. I had to grieve the fact that he'll
never return my cares, respect and affection. He'll have to grieve the fact
that he can't be pampered like a helpless baby with a diaper full of shit
forever. I wasted energy on him that I needed for myself. I'll learn from
that dreadful mistake. He didn't give a shit about keeping all his energy
for himself unless it gave him much more rewards... I won't waste mine on
him when the only reward is more bullshit, more whining... I did my best
to make him smile for Valentine's day and that's the day that he gave me
the most crap and self pity. NO.
Making another account and pretend to be someone else is the apogee of manipulation
and I didn't get fooled at all. I saw that he can't manipulate and abuse
me anymore. I was suffering from his harassment but I saw that I'm actually
immune to it. He can't hurt me anymore because I don't care, the way he
never cared about me to protect himself while doing the worst to me: manipulated
me with fake love to abuse me with hateful cruelty... It's horrible... It
doesn't matter if he has some quality and sincerity among a lie so hurtful.
It's absolutely unacceptable no matter how much you sugar
No amount of shallow briberies, without any genuine care
for me, can possibly compensate for heartlessly and forcefully trying to
take more from me than I'm able to give without suffering! That's why it's
If he misses me, he should have thought about that before torturing me,
pushing me away, refusing to share, breaking my trust by bullshitting me
with lies and manipulations... instead to hurt me beyond repair and give
me reasons to run, he should have made a genuine caring effort to give me
a reason to stay. It's too late now. I know that he's incapable of love.
Greed, manipulations and mistrust isn't love. It's violence. I didn't understand
why I was always feeling so sad while being so loved and cared about...
Now I understand that it's because I wasn't... I was just being fooled by
someone who had no respect for me and didn't even want to try to open his
heart, he never intended to from the start.
He didn't want to bother to give me something that I'd miss. I can find
images on meme sites and they're way funnier than the one he made. His briberies
where done without real care and affection... otherwise he'd never threat
me like this... He'd never push my efforts away, he'd never harass me against
my will... he'd never try to manipulate me pretending to be someone else...
I can recognize him because, unlike him, I paid attention to him. I don't
have to return the harassment of someone who refused to return my kindness
when he had the chance. All he gave me was manipulation to gain something,
not genuine care to make me smile... Or he would have understood that I
needed to leave and respected that... and I never would have needed to leave
at all in the first place if he was capable of being a god friend... because
I explained and begged for months, since the start, I even cried... And
when I was the only one suffering, he didn't care, he even made it worse
for me. He gave me no other choice but to give up... because he wouldn't
No one will ever accept such an unfair one sided deal... and the fact that
he belittled me, harassed and lied to me for it... Instead to put his energy
into preserving the relationship when he could, instead to take it for granted,
abuse the hell out of everything he could claw out of me.. Thinking that
it'd be forever... thinking that I'd accept to be treated like trash forever...
I've been too patient... I pity the next person who'll make the mistake
to care for someone who doesn't care back... only about what they can get
not what they can offer... Only what can satisfy them, even if it make the
person cry... I pity his next victim of his manipulation. But at least it
won't be me. And I'm sure that they won't take that shit for long either...
and even if they marry him... he won't get any love and warmth from it...
Just a soulless doll who forgot how to be happy. I remembered. I can't be
happy by being abused and putting someone else's wants above my needs. No
one can... because it sucks the very life and joy out of someone until there's
nothing left. I healed, I remember who I am and my passions, but I won't
go back to the person who destroyed me so I'd be at his merciless mercy.
He doesn't understand because he doesn't want to face the fact that he's
responsible for losing what he wanted and can't do anything about it. He
doesn't want to admit that he hurt me like an asshole. That his delusions
where just as fake. That he was never loved either because I was loving
an illusion instead of him. He doesn't want to face the fact that all his
efforts only brought his doom and the doom of what he wanted. He doesn't
want to face the fact that he has to chance to have a different outcome.
He doesn't want to acknowledge the pain that he caused because only his
on pain matters, and he doesn't want to do something about that, he wants
others to do it... He wants power by stealing it from others, instead of
making the effort to become strong and protect someone with it... at least
protect others from himself... at least try... Instead to do his worst thinking
that it's the best for him... The least efforts for a maximum of benefits...
As if I was just an asset... an object to use, abuse... and break... throw
in the garbage then grab another. Well, we're way past the trash phase.
He kept punching a dry citrus trying to get more juice after he crushed
it all out... He's basically like a brat who let his dog starve to death
and then cried because the dog wouldn't play with him anymore... I wished
to send a letter to his father to make him stop harassing me, so he'd beat
the hell out of him for what he does to me... But he's not even worthy of
my hatred so I don't want to bother.
Someone who prefers to do the worst lies to manipulate and abuse someone
who's already doing their best to truly care about them... deserves to suffer.
He never had to threat me so cruelly... All he had to do was open his heart
to welcome my kindness and return it... He wouldn't even open his heart
to receive it... and he assaulted me to get even more when he couldn't care
less... until he destroyed me so much that I couldn't remember who I am.
It was hell... everyday... from the start... I tried so hard to earn his
trust and encourage him to open his heart with me... But he preferred to
abuse and destroys mine instead... Because hurting me was easier than giving
me a real reason to smile... I regret trying, I regret caring for him, I
regret talking to him, I regret meeting him. We could have parted on good
terms but he harassed me until he destroyed all the positive that I could
have remembered fondly as I moved on...
To harass me so much, to want me back even if I hate him in pain, to try
to fool me by pretending to be someone else... he never cared about me,
only about owning me... There was never any care, love or even friendship
in anything that he said or did... Just selfish compulsion, greed, laziness...
He used my care for him as an opportunity to do the worst unpunished like
his father who is violent with him to get what he wants... Instead to see
my cares as an occasion to safely be the best of himself and shine~ I offered
him heaven... he turned it into hell... Because it was easier that way.
Easier to not only refuse to make an effort... but to also ruin mine. I'm
done wasting my efforts and cares on someone who won't even do it for his
He promised me heaven... he delivered hell. I never needed heaven... I just
needed someone I could trust and who'd appreciate me by reciprocating...
who'd at least give what he asks... He did nothing but betray me... and
when he harassed me after I told him to stop... his mere presence was a
disappointment... Our friendship was never real... He never treated me like
a friend, he never acted like a friend... He never opened up because he
never wanted to risk suffering from what he inflicted on me deliberately.
He's so uncaring that he doesn't understand why I refuse to let him inflict
his worst fears on me again.
He used psychological and emotional violence to manipulate me and coerce
me against my will... It was relentless and intensely cruel... But even
if he could come close enough to beat me up physically... I'd never surrender.
I'd kill him.
What happened to him is the direct consequence of his
choices and actions, sooner or later it always happens.
I gave too
much and I was abused, I stopped giving and I stopped being abused, I don't
have control over him but I have control over me. He refused to give sincerely
and his bullshit got rejected, it's as simple as that. Instead to realize
that his technique didn't get the results that he wanted, he just tried
harder with the wrong thing, he tried to manipulate me even harder by pretending
to be someone else completely. Just like it didn't work to pretend to be
changed, he can't change until he realizes what he did wrong and why.
The only wrong that he sees is my refusal to keep falling for his manipulations.
He refuse to see that it's manipulating me that is wrong. He thinks that
it's good for him and that the solution is to manipulate me harder... But
that's how he destroyed everything! That's why I can't ever come back, he
merely tried harder to hurt me instead to stop what was hurting me!!! He'll
have the same result with other people. Because he's the problem. No one
can share a healthy balanced happy relationship by being mistrustful, manipulative
and emotionally violent. He tried to take me by force... he tried to crush
my self esteem and dignity to break me so I'd succumb to his will by harassing
me relentlessly and claiming that I should be grateful for the pain. He
traumatized me so badly that there's no way I can ever believe in him, and
hopefully I won't make the same mistake again. I care too much about myself
to allow it again.
I should have ran at the second as he got evasive instead to get to know
each other with enthusiasm, I should have ran at the second that his actions
contradicted his words... He was never worthy of trust, he never put his
heart into it... He only abused me by telling me lies to fool me. He fooled
himself. Allowing his greed to take everything instead to appreciate what
I was able to give freely is the reason why he lost everything, because
he wouldn't respect my limit, he'd pull for more relentlessly, constantly
walking over me for more, if I gave him anything, and even did when I gave
nothing, so I couldn't give him anything at all, there was no way to save
the relationship because his disrespect is unacceptable even as an acquaintance.
Not even as an enemy, I could respect an enemy who face me with a fair fight,
not one who stab me in the back like a hypocrite. It's because he dumped
all the efforts on my shoulders that I didn't find it worth trying either
He exaggerated... Acted like a mad fanatic. I don't want to deal with his
childishness. I can't believe that I endured it for so long, or at all.
Better late than never. He had way too many chances... He abused my pity
as a weapon against me so hard that I have no mercy whatsoever. I don't
want to be with someone who has no dignity, who beg someone who hate him
instead to become someone worthy of love then find someone who can appreciate
that. He never thought that I was worth trying to give me his best, he tortured
me with his worst because it pleased him... He made me cry then expected
me to feel sorry for HIM and comfort HIM! The level of manipulation and
heartlessness is so extreme that he'll definitively become like his father
and beat the helpless... What he did to me was worst than a punch in the
face... He damaged my heart, my mind and the core of my kind soul... I wish
I could cut off his fingers for all the lies that he wrote with them.
When he made another account at kat... I wanted the satisfaction to reply
him that he didn't fool me, that I don't want him, and to get the hell out
of my life... But that would have fed the fuel of his delusion that he'll
ever succeed to make me reply him again. He thinks that if he can push me
to reply out of anger, he can make me listen to more bullshit, and make
me reply out of love again... That's why he didn't care that he broke my
trust... He thought that he could drag me even if I don't trust him... he
never cared to be worthy of my trust since the beginning... I felt that
pain everyday... But even when I cried he refused to acknowledge that he
was doing something wrong to me, he didn't care, even when I left he only
claimed that he changed... But he wouldn't even acknowledge my words...
All he wants is my attention no matter how hateful or hurt I am... I refuse
to play this sick game. I will never talk to him again.
He's sad because he lost something that he never bothered
to give me. I was sad all along.
I'm not going back to being miserable,
while he rejoices from my efforts to earn what he never wanted to give and
never will. Abuse isn't sharing fairly. Getting carelessness in return of
giving cares isn't worth the effort, especially when someone never thought
that we where worth to bother even trying. He's a pure waste. He's so bad
that he made me give past my limit, I was constantly exhausted, and when
something bad happened unexpectedly, I had no energy left to face it...
so I was in distress... His idea was to come to pamper HIM, when the solution
was to rip off this soul sucker and throw it away from my life.
I didn't ask for too much, only that what I receive is
done with respect, sincerity, truth... He's
so delusional that wouldn't know what truth is even if it punched it in
the face, I can't expect it from him.
I noticed his sick trick behind the fake magic and he
can never fool me again. He failed even when he tried the worst against
me to manipulate and abuse me. He can't hurt me anymore because I chose
not to let him, he can't force me back into his shitty hell even if he pretends
to be someone else. I don't have to be scared anymore because my will to
have dignity is stronger than his desire to break it. I finally feel safe
I can finally let go and forget him again.
If there's another victim reading this...
Don't let someone do this to you, don't do it to someone it will ruin what
could have been a much better relationship.
Enjoy life and don't let anyone ruin it for you, not even by letting your
own flaws and foolishness out of control. You have power over your own life.
But sometimes all you can do is...
LET GO AND MOVE ON ALREADY!!!
AND DON'T LOOK BACK, THERE'S NOTHING GOOD LEFT
FOR YOU THERE.
THERE NEVER WAS, OR YOU DESTROYED IT ALL.
Lisa Of Shades
28 April 2016
Back to list ^
Insanity wolf ~ Worthless
YOU'RE SWEET LIKE SUGAR, GRAINS AND CORN.
YOU SEEM GOOD BUT YOU'RE WORTHLESS AT SUSTAINING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE.
Refined sugars and grains don't have the vitamins and minerals necessary
to renew vital organs, cause unstable blood sugar and therefore energy levels
and moods, and cause inflammation and damage even when you don't seem to
have a problem with them.
That's hilarious for me. I remember who I really am and it's awesome. I'm
way happier when I unleash my OCD on about health than some disrespectful
brat that I made the mistake to care for and love as a person, or maybe
not since he wouldn't let me know him and just tortured me emotionally.
I looked at all my old and newer posters in my:
Relationships gone bad project
I wasn't happy for a very long time before leaving, I was miserable from
the start but I thought he was just shy and tried to be understanding because
we just met.
But I'm shy too, that's no excuse to be lazy. I decided to have god will
from the start and do my best for the relationship so I wouldn't have regrets.
Basically I left him because he wouldn't even share his hobbies with me.
He shared his pain but refused to share what made him happy because he was
scared that I'd mock him and get hurt, while he didn't hesitate to use his
pain to do painful manipulation to get pity and be pampered...
He should feel ridiculous that he lost everything because he wouldn't share
his simple hobbies with me. Yup, he lost me for a tiny reason like that,
because he wouldn't even bother to make that tiny effort for me and nurture
a healthy relationship. It was one sided. I will never go back to him. He
made me cry. And he didn't care.
When he made another account and tried to pretend to be someone else...
He showed me without a doubt that I'm right to leave. He has no respect
for my needs, feelings and decisions... what makes me who I am... He just
want to manipulate and fool me to get whatever he wants from me even if
it hurts me. I literally told him that I want him to suffer, die and go
to hell, and he thinks that I'll come back even after I blocked him 4 times.
That little brat will have to learn that actions have consequences, he's
not the master of my life, I AM.
He didn't bother to try to share a balanced healthy relationship, he made
me literally sick by unleashing all the worst in himself to feed on me...
He didn't want to control himself, he didn't even want to protect me from
himself. I'm not giving the best of myself to someone who gives me his worst.
My feelings are so different now that I'm like a completely different person,
stronger and more stable emotionally, by getting a grip instead to find
someone to nurture my insecurities and therefore deepen them. I actually
don't remember my time with him, only vaguely. Because I moved on and I
don't need the information.
It's pointless to cling to the good moments when they where just lies, and
he overwhelmed me so much with harassment that he made all the good disappear,
buried into resentment, fear, anger and despise. There's no love left. I
truly don't care if he dies, and no love can come back out of that.
Corn isn't a vegetables, it's a grain. And Tij wasn't a caring friend; he
was just yet another abusive person who deceived me. I hoped that by tasting
my friendship that it would inspire him to become better than his abusive
family, to try to also do his best for me, so we could understand each other's
pain but instead to share more pain... we'd build out own beautiful world
where we sincerely care and protect one another... And I did... I let him
into my inner world... He pillaged it and shat everywhere... broke everything...
Like just another greedy human... like the people that he dislikes... and
he destroyed what he wanted most with his own choices and actions... Instead
to make the effort to become it too.
Why did I try to have a relationship with someone so
I kept asking myself what can be more right that this wrong...
I think I finally figured it out... I saw myself in him...
No one was there for me when I was his age to give me kindness... and I
suspect that it might be the reason that I didn't turn out very well emotionally,
mentally and socially... I thought that I could help
him avoid the suffering that I've been though,
by giving the kindness
that his family denied him, so he'd be able to grow into a good person instead
to perpetuate the cycle of violence on his own children, by accepting that
it's the way things are done and not knowing any better...
I gave him the choice to become a caring loving person
by doing my best to show it to him... or to become another manipulative
and abusive person like the people who made him suffer so much...
He chose to make me suffer. He chose to give me
more of the suffering that I was trying to save him from.
He made his choice. He chose his usual hell instead to try to create his
own heaven, and inflicted it on me. His heaven wasn't the absence of suffering,
but to be the one making people suffer for a change! ME. Because I was kind
to him so he thought he could unpunished. He abused my kindness, he turned
it into a weapon to doom me. That was his idea of salvation, of getting
higher... Standing on me and walking all over me. But then he'd be dependent
on me, I was merely the inspiration so he'd do it himself,
not a tool to do it for him.
He doesn't want to better himself,
want to save himself, he's happier that way because it's easier to hurt
others than to take care of them, easier to coerce with manipulations than
earn it by caring sincerely... So I will save myself. It's not easier that
way, but I don't want to suffer from his choice. He relentlessly harassed
me for more, hurt me for more, fooled me for more... He thought that he
could make me come back... But he can't force me to love him anymore than
I could inspire him to have more self love and dignity than that.
When I was younger, before I had to turn evil to survive abusive people,
all I wanted was to be kind to people. I guess now I remember that I cannot
save anyone. Unless people choose for themselves and do it for themselves,
from the start... They will never change to keep what they think they already
own... So the only way to show him that he's wrong, for me, and for himself,
was to leave. But I didn't leave, made arts and wrote for him... I did it
so I could open my mind and heart and understand myself... So I could see
what I truly needed... What I truly want...
I need and want to be left alone in peace and free.
EDITED: I am so horrified I am shaking. Tij found an excuse to email me
pretending to be someone else after I blocked him at kat... Instead to understand
that I don't want to talk to him, and I don't even want him to talk to me,
he emailed me asking why. HE KNOWS WHY! He just want to make me talk by
any means necessary even if he makes me sick! Claiming to be nice... It
doesn't matter what you say or do when you harass someone and force someone
against their will. Sex feels nice, but a rape is still degrading!!!
I KNOW IT'S HIM AND HE MUST STOP HARASSING ME!!!
I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM EVER AGAIN! I'D RATHER LEAVE THE INTERNET, DIE, AND
PREFERABLY KILL HIM!
Edited: His 2nd fake account got deleted at kat, I reported him so he'd
get another warning, to show him that he can't fool me and the moderators.
But deleting him felt like killing him. I feel so utterly relieved and happy!!!
I blocked 3 emails, 2 kat accounts and one deleted. That's because I
really don't want someone as disrespectful as him in my life and I'm NEVER
Lisa Of Shades
29 April 2016
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Insanity wolf ~ Haters
Haters, thank you for giving me time from your life.
Too bad you have nothing better to do.
I made that one a while ago after reading all my old comments in all the
torrents I ever made at nyaa. It was really awful.
I guess that poster can also apply to me because I have a hard time letting
go of my resentment. Most of my posters are hateful... But
I don't give attention to the people I hate, I just vent harmlessly into
If someone in the same situation can benefit from my ideas,
good, but I don't impose them on anyone. Well, I hope not. I at least do
my best to control myself instead to try to control others, that just doesn't
work because they have the last say about their own lives.
I like to make preemptive strikes when I make torrents, usually with a screen
capture of the anime I'm uploading. It seems to work because the harassment
stopped, and it restarted the day I didn't make one. I don't always have
an idea, so I thought I'd make one that can be used for any torrent.
Lisa Of Shades
29 April 2016
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