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Insanity wolf ~ Life choices
Insanity wolf ~ Loyalty
Insanity wolf ~ Fool
Insanity wolf ~ Worthless
Insanity wolf ~ Haters

Insanity wolf ~ Life choices

Stop arguing with my life choices. I'm obviously insane and that's the way I like it!

Insanity wolf ~ life choices ~ Argue ~ I'm obviously insane and that's the way I like it

That's about the people who write mean comments when I share torrents. But it can be about any harassment and bullying. Don't mess with crazy people.


Lisa Of Shades
Image: 13 April 2016
Text: 23 April 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Loyalty


Insanity wolf ~ harassment~ loyal loyalty respect trust ~ betray lie manipulate cheat broken heart

Two very wise sites to absolutely read... whether you are the victims who need to understand how dangerously bad they're being treated... or the abusers who really need to look at the destructive damage that they're doing to what they want and STOP!

How to spot and stop manipulators at psychologytoday.

Eight easy ways to spot an emotional manipulator at heartless-bitches.

New friends wanted to join my group and when I went to add them, I noticed that he started to harass me there too... I eventually reported him after discovering the button. I looked into my trash hoping that he'd stop and move on, it's giving me anguish to be harassed... I added his new email to the trash automatically but who knows what he'll try to do to me next... If this was happening offline, I would call the police.

This isn't being a good friend, he wasn't even being a good friend when I was with him! That's why I left. He broke my trust and heart and didn't even care because he thought that he could get what he wanted anyway. I read his last email and it disgusted me even more. He thinks that harassing me against my will after I told him to leave me alone... is kind and doing me a favor. It's like a rapist claiming that he did nothing wrong because sex felt good to him AND that the raped victim owe him to have sex with him again the return the favor!!! I want him DEAD!!!

Giving me something that I want would be a gift that I wouldn't have to return, otherwise it wouldn't be done with love to make me smile, it would be done with greedy selfish ulterior motives, making the gift a bribe, bait, manipulation to get something... There's no love or even friendship in this. But imposing something that someone DOESN'T WANT, against their will, as if they have no say in this, as if they weren't a person but a mere possession! That's already violent... but thinking that it deserves a reward to harass, assault and abuse someone... that's beyond deluded, sick and wrong!!!

If I had known that he has no regard for my feelings, choices and who I am, I NEVER would have spoken to him in the first place. The first time I saw his bear avatar, I had an intense feeling of dread... I think the distress that he's making me feel now echoed so hard that I felt it into the past.

He even said that he's surprised and impressed that I've resisted so long... resisted his assault so long... as he tried to beat down my very will and identity. He said that he wants me back no matter what... Even if I hate him... which means that he wants me to be MISERABLE with someone that I hate instead to be happy with someone else that I love. He wants to own me like an object even if I hate him, even if I have no love for him, because he doesn't care to have his love returned, he doesn't even feel love, just obsessive possessive greed!!! He has no respect for himself if he wants someone who despises him instead to find someone else and try to avoid making the same cruelties, so he indeed never respected me and never will. Being with someone I hate, who hurt me by harassing me, who keep disgusting me every time he speaks to me, the mere fact that he keeps replying without my consent is painful, but the inconsiderate horrors that he writes makes me wish that he'd just die already.

He's completely insane... thinking that painful harassment is loyalty... thinking that it would make me happy to be with someone I hate... thinking that it's fair to demand everything and not even trying in return... Just because he could!? No, he couldn't. And for the sake of everyone that he'll ever meet, especially my own, I must never go back to him.. Because then maybe he'll understand that how he treated me FROM THE START!!! Was WRONG!!!

He wrote that he only said that he doesn't want to share because I replied that I don't care. But I said it AFTER he wrote that. I was gone for weeks! He contradicted himself while I wasn't even there! And I wouldn't throw a relationship away just for one offence... He repeatedly stabbed my heart by refusing to share SINCE THE BEGINNING! CONSTANTLY! I didn't leave on a whim... I agonized in misery for weeks! I begged him LITERALLY CRYING to return me some love and not just take it... To make some effort... to put some heart into it... to open up... He said that it's embarrassing and that he refuses to bother for me... Then I won't bother for him!!!

He kept saying that he doesn't want to open up, he doesn't want to share, he doesn't want me to know him because he's boring... Then what else did he expect, OF COURSE I LEFT!!! HE PUSHED ME AWAY! CONSTANTLY!!! He even pushed what I gave him away... he even got aggressive when I tried to grant his wish. I NEVER wanted to take our relationship offline, I didn't even want to chat live, I made videos for him, he spat on them and stabbed me in the heart! I owe him nothing but the pain and agony that he gave me... and the anguish that he tries to continue to force on me by harassing me...

I feel violated. It's not a gift when someone doesn't want it. I wouldn't owe him anything even if I wanted it, he sure never bothered to return my efforts!!! My motto "Return what is given to you no matter if it makes you grateful or vengeful" was never to force me to devote myself to abusive forceful people!!! IT WAS TO AVOID IT!!! It gives me the permission to give pain to the people who hurt me!!!

Harassing me trying to give me things that I DO NOT WANT is not giving me something nice, IT'S HURTING ME!!!

PAIN is what I should return... but that would make him happy because he wants any kind of attention, that would encourage him to harass me more... I'll never speak to him again, not even to tell him to leave me alone, I said it many times already and he has no respect for me. He wants me to say it to get a foot in the door, then to ask being acquaintances, then friends, then have me spend 5h a day EVERYDAY pampering his every whims while my pet die of neglect and I get too sick to do my own hobbies... NO!

I was never codependent!!! I was manipulated into becoming a slave by using my caring heart against me!!! It happened before, people ripped my heart and mind apart so much that I developed a split personality... The other me can be as cruel as hell, can only care about my own well being. That's how I can bypass how caring I can be. There's a self hypnosis phrase to make me switch about a certain person "I acknowledge him as a threat"... It means that I give all the worst in me the permission to hurt him, even kill him, because I absolutely don't care about him anymore, because he his a threat to my well being, and my ONLY DUTY, the ONLY THING THAT I OWE, is to myself to protect my life, my heart and my mind.

I don't even owe him the torture that he gave me because he's a complete waste of energy and deserves NOTHING.

I did a whole lot of research when I left to understand what he put me through... I'm not going back to that hell. If I had known how he was... I never would have spoken to him in the first place. Now that I know, he's not coming back. The more he harass me, the clearer it gets that he never cared about me, and the more I want him dead.

He's violating my human rights, it's that bad. I said no, he continues... That's violating. That's psychological and emotional violence!!! Not a gift to return!!!

How to spot and stop manipulators at psychologytoday. 8 tips for keeping them at a distance, or breaking free.

1. Know Your Fundamental Human Rights

"The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you may forfeit these rights. Following are some of our fundamental human rights:
  • You have the right to be treated with respect.
  • You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and wants.
  • You have the right to set your own priorities.
  • You have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty.
  • You have the right to get what you pay for.
  • You have the right to have opinions different than others.
  • You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
  • You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.
These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries."

2. Keep your distance

Avoid, ignore, forget.

3. Avoid personalization and self-blame
  • Am I being treated with genuine respect?
  • Are this person’s expectations and demands of me reasonable?
  • Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?
  • Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?
"Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether the "problem" in the relationship is with you or the other person."

Clearly, I'm not. Otherwise I wouldn't even be doing research about this. I'm happy alone. He's my only problem.

4. Put the focus on them by asking probing questions
  • "Does this seem reasonable to you?"
  • "Does what you want from me sound fair?"
  • "Do I have a say in this?"
  • "Are you asking me or telling me?"
  • "So, what do I get out of this?"
  • "Are you really expecting me to [restate the inequitable request]?"
"When you ask such questions, you're putting up a mirror, so the manipulator can see the true nature of his or her ploy. If the manipulator has a degree of self-awareness, he or she will likely withdraw the demand and back down.

On the other hand, truly pathological manipulators (such as a narcissist) will dismiss your questions and insist on getting their way. If this occurs, apply ideas from the following tips to keep your power, and halt the manipulation."

He's truly sick and wrong. He refuses to hear me, so there's no point in talking to him at all! The manipulative and abusive way that he treated me wouldn't be acceptable for anyone, not even himself! It would have been so much better if he happily opened his heart and saw me smile instead to cry, but he ignored my tears to delude himself... He even fool himself so I can't hope that he'll stop trying to fool me! The way he wants to have the illusion of love by forcing someone who HATE him to be by his side... It's so pathetic... and dangerous... He could end up kidnapping people and raping them. Expecting thanks for this monstrosity! I'm crazy... but I control myself... I am lucid and face reality... He doesn't. He's the most pathetic narcissist that I have ever seen, they usually are arrogant with inflated self confidence, but he's a covert using whining and self pity to manipulate... Disgusting. That's why I first left... Then because I realized that he never wanted to open me his heart... Then he kept being so disrespectful with his demands... He even said that he doesn't care that he broke my trust... that he broke my heart, my mind and me!!! He doesn't even deserve his own life by refusing to take care of it himself, I'm not surrendering the control of mine to pamper his whims.

5. Use time to your advantage

Tell them that you'll think about it.

Telling him that I need to rest for a few days because I felt sick allowed me to take distance from his manipulation and slowly wake up to the sickening way he was treating me. I felt very confused as the fog of illusion slowly dissipated, at first I wanted to cling to the beautiful dream because the truth was so extremely horrific... But then I realized that I'd just be staying in hell and ran without looking back... And I was so happy and liberated... Then he found different ways to assault me... and give me anguish... I actually wanted to consider his request when he emailed me his begging plea with another email... But when he kept replying everyday before I had the chance to give him permission... I saw that he thought it was a done deal, that he wouldn't give me the choice, that he thought I had no say in it, that only what he wanted mattered and he didn't care what I wanted or if imposing what he wanted on me would hurt me and ruin my life... I got so appalled and revolted... I knew that going back to him could only hurt me more... The satisfaction of seeing someone smile isn't enough when he denies you basic dignity.

6. Know how to say "No" diplomatically but firmly

I told him that I don't care that he suffers and wouldn't even cared if he killed himself, so whining and threats of suicide won't work on me. I don't want him in my life, to stop talking to me... and the last thing I told him is to GO TO HELL. That didn't stop him... Then avoid, ignore, forget. I am thinking of deleting my email so he'd stop thinking that sending text to my trash is talking to a loved one. It would be tedious to edit the business that I deal with, and I shouldn't have to go through this at all!!! I'm scared that he'd find another way to harass me, that he'd continues for years and even come here because I foolishly gave him my address... It was so he could reach me if my computer breaks, not to be harassed if I want him gone and dead!!! If he EVER comes face to face with me, I'm calling the cops, and I'm probably going to attack him on the spot. He's forcing things that I don't want, won't take no for an answer, won't even understand it... I blocked him in my group and he thinks that I replied something welcoming that he just couldn't read! He's completely delusional. It would only encourage him to tell him to stop, he's that sick in the head. It's not love, it's not friendship. IT'S VIOLENCE!!!

7. Confront bullies, safely

"A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates or harms another person."
  • "When people don't like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first." Tom Hiddleston
  • "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others." Paramhansa Yogananda
    "I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It's the bully who's insecure." Shay Mitchell
(He's trying to harass me into compliance by hammering me until I'm too exhausted to fight back, like a rapist running after his victim until she's too out of breath to scream... He disgusts me, I want him dead, seriously, he threatened suicide, I hope he'll do it. He's a bully... And when he told me that he likes to provoke a fight to vent his frustrations, I thought that he's acting like a bully. He's clearly bullying me. Harassing me against my will is an insult! It's painful... I don't owe him my kindest favor for hurting me, sick fuck! I don't even hate him, that's still passion, I am disgusted that an insect is crawling in my trash can... That a mosquito is doing an annoying buzzing sound following me around to suck my blood... That's how I feel about him. I won't cuddle with this shit, I won't even talk to it.

8. Set consequences

Otherwise they have no reason to stop... but why would you want someone in your life who don't mind hurting you if it doesn't hurt them... I guess they need pain to understand what they're doing... You have to tell them for them to know... but after that if they continue they're hurting you willingly... and that's not a mistake, it's assault.

He said it himself, he got lazy and wouldn't bother returning my efforts and putting his heart into it... because he could. Because he thought that I'd never have the courage to leave and that he could threat me like shit as much as he wanted. All he had to do was give me some images and I'd think that I'm cared about, blinded to the fact that he won't open his heart to actually put real feelings into our relationship... Just bribes and baits... Like a rich guy giving jewelry to a wife hen he's caught cheating... to shut her up, distract her from the real problem, and continue to do whatever he wants without even trying to compromise... Buying her compliance... Like a whore... Like an object... without any respect for who she is, her needs, her feelings, her mind... her dignity... her as a person...

I tried to revert to friends, he begged me and I fell for it... But when I begged, he brushed me away saying that it's bothersome... that I'm not worth to bother with. Well, he's not. I'm not spending my life with someone like that. I thought that I could help him by giving the love that his parents didn't give him... But when I did he saw it as an occasion to be as abusive and neglectful as his parents!!! He's not getting away with it. The greatest thing that I can do for him is to leave... to force him to look at himself... to look at what he did to me... and to have a better relationship with someone else in the future.

If I go back, he thinks that harassment work to get what he wants... So even if I cared, giving him what he wants when he's using emotional and psychological violence to get it would reinforce the behavior... And either way, I don't want to be with that kind of monster... He refuses to control himself. And I can't do it for him, even if I appease him by giving him whatever he wants... He'll still be violent at his core... and willing to do it to me... he'll still be violent even if I harm myself giving him what he wants so he won't do it to me himself... But I can control myself and LEAVE!!! He's not sad that I left, he's not sad that I don't want or love him anymore... That's how someone with a heart would react... No, he's frustrated that I won't obey what he wants... That's anger, desire to control... There's no respect in this, that's a violent threat.

Eight easy ways to spot an emotional manipulator at heartless-bitches.

1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator.

They will twist everything that you say and use it against you.

"[...] Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit."

2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper.

But it's all talk and no actions. It's just empty promises, when it will be the time to make a real effort to act according to it, they won't, they'll betray their own words so they will betray you even more easily. They'll find some sort of excuse to justify it blamelessly, and will even blame you! They want the perks from your admiration without earning it.

3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.

"If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what's been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation."

The first person I met who liked bears contradicted himself so much that I literally kept a log trying to understand him. His words contradicted his actions then words contradicted words and actions contradicted actions. Tij is the same. It's probably to create confusion and insecurities and their plan is to be seen as the only source of reassurance, when they're the one destroying your mental health until you're unable to function... so you can't leave them. FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.

"[...] Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again."

He did it to me... I felt too guilty to take just one day off even when I felt in pain all over and needed to rest... Of course he kept saying that I could but added that it would hurt him... And I think I tend to do that too... By talking about the sad parts of my life... Like I'm an invalid... I don't want to be an hypocrite trying to hide it, and it might help people to understand how I act and think... But I also hope to get special treatment by understanding my limitations... I hoped to see people care so I'd know that they're caring people... I wouldn't want to start a relationship with someone who won't care back... It's probably manipulation. I should stop sharing that because so far it just attracts abusive people by making me look like an easy prey. My own mother was a narcissist so I've been trained to be a devoted slave to appease bullies... That attitude attracted all the bullies, pedophiles, abuse at work... I was a magnet for the worst kind of people...

Because I cared... and it was used as a weapon against me to abuse me... Instead to care and nurture EACH OTHER by UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER'S PAIN... People thought that it was finally their turn to abuse without any efforts... Tij did... I regret everything that I've given him. I regret meeting him. I was in a vulnerable time turning my back on almost all my friends... For much smaller reasons than Tij did to me... Of all the people that I kicked out... Tij is the only one who truly hurt me and truly is a danger to my well being. No one else harassed me after I made it clear that they're hurting me and that I need them to stop... Relentlessly attacking me to make me crack isn't kindness, isn't loyalty... It's violence.

5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty.

"[...] They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. [...] Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail."

He said that he trusts me completely, want to be with me forever, come live here with me, marry me... But then he wouldn't even trust me with his drawing hobby because he thought that I'd mock him, even though he saw that I draw myself. Complete mistrust, treated me like an enemy, pushed me away hostilely... Wouldn't even show his face in a video so he sure wouldn't have the guts to move to another country... He just wanted me to give him the highest degree of care by making me act like offline lovers... when he wouldn't even call me his girlfriend because it was too embarrassing to tell me anything nice... I feel so disgusted... He thinks that I walked away because of a tiny mistake that he blames on me... But the truth is... I'm tired of the shit that he gave me EVERYDAY!!!

6. (He won't give you cares and sympathy, he'll claim that he has it worse so YOU have to take care of him even when you're suffering, he doesn't care about you.)

"[...] It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even though you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!"

7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them.

"When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met."

I noticed that my emotions are so intense that I can poison a room, I can't control the intensity but I try to turn it into happiness... It annoys people that I'm so hyper, but it's the best I can do for them... It takes a lot of effort to hide my sadness and anger, but Tij don't make any unless he think he can receive even more and he told me so... This paragraph made me realize that I was never codependent... Bad people relentlessly manipulated me to make me this way. I'm a lone wolf. I'm actually happier on my own.

8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability.

"They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome."


"Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think life is short and precious - the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted with an emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR ASS TO THE CURB! A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus. Each brush with it reduces your immunity and weakens your defenses. It can take more time for someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship (READ: ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically abusive one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is subtle. It is insidious. It is dangerous. If you are in it - walk away and never look back. Make it a rule!"

Tij never wanted to acknowledge that he was hurting me, an effort to stop would be bothersome for him so he said that it's easier this way... Easier to let me suffer until I couldn't take it anymore and left... Then he didn't accept that he destroyed me and let me move on... He demanded and harassed me trying to look like the wounded victim, when he's the one who wounded me, he wanted to hurt me more... He didn't take responsibility for what he did... he wouldn't even acknowledge my pain, only his... But his pain is because he pushed me away... and he kept blaming me... but I couldn't build a sharing relationship alone... Sharing means to give and receive, he refused to give fairly by opening his heart, and that even made it impossible for him to receive!!! I grew tired to throw my heart against a wall and only get superficial things...

I recognize myself in that paragraph... I improved a lot by taking control of my life. I stopped being a people pleaser and wasting my energy until I had to beg anyone for help, completely exhausted and destroyed. Now I get rid of the people who try to suck the life out of me before I end up desperate. When I have a problem, I get rid of it. That sure solves drama quickly... Unless the shit harasses me... But avoid, ignore, forget works well. I have to stop sharing the dark of my life so soon... It scares people away. I kept thinking that it's a good thing because I don't want to realize that people don't want to befriend who I am after I grew fond of them. I hope to find someone who can relate.

But if this is manipulation... and that stopping to focus on my strength and happiness wouldn't be being a hypocrite, I really hate that kind of people... my mother was... she was the picture of perfection for visitors then tormented us violently when no one was watching... If she had put half the efforts she did on seeming like a good mom on actually being a good mom, maybe I wouldn't be so messed up... But my health and happiness is my own responsibility... I don't want to be mean like my mother... But maybe I am being mean to everyone by revealing my pain... And maybe I'm already a hypocrite by smiling even when I'm depressed... but that always cheer me up... So if I have the right to be happy in spite of all the shit that happened to me... Then I should let go of my past. Otherwise it will keep haunting me even if there's no one from the past harassing me.

I've been miserable for so long that I don't know how to be happy. I've been abused for so long that I don't know how to have a relationship with people who aren't abusive...

But I'm going to let go and find out. I'm letting go of Tij and I'm going to try to let go of my past... so I can enjoy the present without being haunted by my past... and so I can welcome a better future.

I intend to enjoy and let go of what I don't. It's my choice and no one else.

Lisa Of Shades
27 April 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Fool


Insanity wolf ~ I can't be fooled for long by someone as foolish as you ~ Lies, manipulation, abuse, hypocrite

When I first blocked in and moved on, I felt like a big heavy ass got pushed off my chest and I could breathe again. I felt so liberated and happy, since I was no longer wasting all my energy for someone who didn't even want to try opening his heart for me, I had so much energy for what I truly liked and made me truly happy.

When he used another email to bypass my ban and make sure to harass me, I added another filter to send him to the trash right away... but it terrified and angered me that he would stoop so low to harass me against my will... I felt violated... Like I'd constantly have to struggle against relentless attacks and I dreaded what could come next... I feared that he'd pretend to be someone else and drag me back into the selfish abuse with only superficial briberies to manipulate me, and make me miserable again... Constantly trying to mess with my head, twisting a blade in my heart hoping that it would make me love him more... Fool.

Well, I also blocked him at kat, he tried to harass me in my group, I deleted him there too... I discovered the report button and a moderator told him that I don't want him in my life and to stop to harass me. Finally authorities could help me and he'd get the message... No, he made another account and pretended to be someone else... That was my worst fear... but now that it has happened, after recognizing him right away, I see that it's actually very simple to block him. He can't fool me. No matter how cunning he his at his manipulations, now that I know how rotten is his heart and intentions, I notice right away. He could have used all those efforts to open up and share something fair and truly care about my well being when I gave him the chance.. But even when I was at my best, he saw it as a chance to be lazily and selfishly at his worst, because it was easier for him to make it way harder on me, and because he thought that he could without ever suffering the consequences, because he could just make me suffer instead and manipulate me if I complained... That's psychologically violent. If I had known that he had no cares for me, I never would have let him in my life. Now that I know, he's never going to be allowed back. It's MY life. I decide

The way I recognized him was easy... The downside of being a caring and attentive person who genuinely wants to know and care about someone is to be exploited and abused... But the upside is that I can recognize people just by their energy. I recognized his neurotic obsessive compulsive nagging pleading energy. It was very obvious. But I investigated to avoid jumping to the worst conclusions and let my fears consume me, but it was indeed the worst conclusion.

He pretended that he came to me because he downloaded the season 2 of a rare 480p anime, and asked me if I have season 1. He really put a lot of thoughts in seeming genuine, but that's what gave him away. If he was sincere, he would have asked in the thread not in private. I didn't do season 1 because someone else gathered all the episodes in a batch. I did a research and I noticed that there IS a 480p torrent made by someone else! It was a sign that he was obsessing over MY stuff, over me. All the other torrents that he downloaded where HD, only mine wasn't... There where many HD torrents, only someone who cannot download HD would feel the need to beg someone for a torrent IF it didn't exist! Or a stalker begging for attention. I reported him to the same moderator who warned him, they can compare his IP, but it's obvious already to someone who knew him.

He chose a fox avatar instead of a bear. I use a wolf and my favorite colors are green and orange... So using an orange wild canine would be appealing to me. People who use animals for avatars are rare, and people who use anything different than a cat is even more rare. People who'd use wild animals to represent themselves are outcasts and not many people would be crazy enough to advertise being socially inept. I like orange so much that I wondered why my spirit animal is a black wolf instead of a beautiful fox... But I didn't chose it, it's what I saw when I explored my mind. A fox is cunning and manipulative; it doesn't suit my dark side... But it's no wonder that Tij picked it because he's extremely manipulative and waste his intelligence trying to fool people. My wolf is an independent protector. It suits me better. A lack one is actually half wolf half dog. It makes them less scared and more unpredictable, they don't really fit anywhere, but they're not completely savage either. It really suits me. A fox doesn't.

I looked at his wall, he changed his birthday but didn't far enough. When I give a fake one I also keep the same zodiac sign because it feels like part of my identity, and he betrayed himself that way. He also replied thank you in Dutch when he downloaded torrents to seem like he's active and not just making an empty account to stalk me.

He likes drawing knights, he downloaded how to draw and has a knight image in his status. Coincidence? I think not.

The irony is that I made a thread for the first time in almost a year, he could have PMed me only about it, it would have been the only logical explanation how a stranger could have met me and been interested in me. I was calling for help because a good friend blocked me, out of the blue. We never argued, we never even disagreed, he never told me that he doesn't want to be friends anymore, and the last thing he sent had a wink smiley at the end. I actually made another account and PMed him that I think kat might have bugged, I gave him my email saying that I value his friendship. But if he truly doesn't want me in his life anymore, I wished to know why, but I respect him and will never bother him again. And I won't. I don't need someone in my life who doesn't want me and won't even try to express himself and will brutally cut me off without even a warning.

I pleaded with Tij for months, from the start I expressed my limits and my needs and he refused carelessly because he thought that he could just manipulate me into giving him whatever he wanted and he didn't care if I was in pain... from the START!!! Not on a whim at the end. He kept saying that I could at least say so, but I did MANY TIMES. I even made a huge art project about it, comics that I drew by hand... He knows why, he just refuse to respect my feelings and my choices... He refuses to respect me.

I seem to have a lot in common with Tij but there's a major difference. I do my best to control myself, he does his worst to control others. So we're actually very different.

I control my OCD by giving myself outlets that can't harm a living being. I only allow my greed to collect posters and links. It doesn't take much place, it's free and doesn't hurt anyone. I write a lot too but I'm not forcing emails on someone who doesn't want to read them. He should make a Word file called "Diary" and leave me alone. Or make his own website and let the poor lost souls who wander in decide what they want to read.

I don't collect more cats than I can feed or shovel their shit. I'm sick and tired to shovel Tij's shit.

I can't stand his stalking OCD and his refusal to stop harassing me... But I have that mental problem too, I can be very manipulative if I wanted to. I don't want to, even if I'd be good at it... Because I don't want soulless puppets around me, I don't want a relationship based on manipulations, coercion, lies, hypocrisies, manipulations, emotional violence... I don't want to hurt someone like that. I want someone who genuinely wants to be with me and share of their own free will. Not a toy to play with, not a tool to use, but a person. And I won't let someone threat me like that while I do my best to threat him with respect.

The problem with Tij isn't flaws or mistakes, everyone have and make them. I wouldn't mind being with a murderer if he was ready to kill to protect me, that would be reassuring, but the very SECOND that he tries to kill ME he's out of my life without looking back. The reason why I kicked Tij out of my life isn't because he reminds me of myself too much and I didn't like to have a taste of my own neurosis, when I already have a hard time controlling my own... The reason why I kicked him out is that he has no desire to control himself to avoid hurting me, and worse, he deliberately indulge in the worst in himself to do the most painful things to my mind and my heart... because he thinks that he can and that it's easier this way... He unleashed his fear, his mistrust, his greed, his obsession, his manipulations, his selfishness, all his violence on me... He used his energy to claw at me one sided and try to manipulate me like an object... He used his energy to overcome my will and crush me to his... Instead to use his energy to overcome his fears and genuinely trust me... Instead to overcome his selfish greed and genuinely care and take my needs into considerations... Instead to overcome his desire for power and control to feel safe, and make me feel safe instead by letting me free to chose.

"If you love something, let it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was NEVER yours." I'm not an object to own, I'm a person, I'm always free. I refuse to be coerced with lies, I value the truth.

I was constantly disappointed with Tij, not because he didn't give me enough, but because he didn't put his sincerity and heart into it. He claimed that he wants to move to another continent marry me and live with me forever, that he trusts me completely. But he wouldn't even trust me with his hobbies, he wouldn't even show his face in a video... He bullshitted me to make me give him more than he even wanted to try to share. He wanted to make the balance unfair in his favor, at my perils, instead to be fair to me.

The good in him absolutely doesn't matter because he uses it to manipulate and hurt me... because he chooses the worst in him instead... and did the worst to me... He damaged me as a person... I opened my heart and let him touch my soul... and instead to make efforts to make me smile for the pure pleasure of smiling together... he put chains and clawed and everything he did was so I'd give him even more... with rotten selfish intention, and he shamelessly admitted it... He constantly stabbed my heart... By neglect and abuse... and it takes a really cruel person to manage to do both at the same time.

When he made a new account... no one would go straight to a certain user, then straight to their personal website the very same day that they registered, to neurotically declare their adoration when there are way better sites for demotivational posters than mine. That kind of obsession doesn't happen in one day. He had to taste the pleasure of my love and devotion to behave like such an addict, otherwise that kind of people could move on easily to anybody else, and I wish he would... Because I bitterly regret everything that I gave him, I'm not giving more to someone who want to fool me so much that they pretend to be someone else to keep hurting me.

I keep hoping that he's email me farewell... So I'd know that it's finally over, that there isn't a psychologically and emotionally violent person constantly trying to trap, manipulate, abuse and hurt me for his pleasure, so delusional that he thinks that he's doing me a favor and that I should be a willing victim to thank him... Today he wrote that he thinks that I'm just hating him more and won't return... But that's basically quoting what I wrote at my site... It's bullshit to make me believe that he's gone so I'd believe that his new kat account is someone else. But I blocked him without replying him, I reported him, and I did -1 on his comment to hide it from my torrent. I want him to disappear.

I couldn't let go after he came back because I was afraid that he'd try this... I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to recognize him... but I did... so easily... and I blocked him... so easily. I'm not scared anymore. I can let go again. Because no one can force me to love them, that just showed me how much he doesn't deserve it, and how much he gave me nothing but pain... I don't care about my own greed; I don't care about what's easier... I'm not letting him in my life because I simply don't want him. He didn't threat me right. He didn't love me right. He never loved me... Otherwise he would have respected me and moved on.

His life is his problem, not mine.

I'm going to enjoy MY life without fear. Because no matter how cunning someone can be at manipulating and hurting me, no matter how long it takes me to figure it out... I always do. I'm done with his bullshit. I'm immune to it. He can't put hooks and pull on my heart anymore, because he doesn't have access to it. I don't even feel hatred or pity. I'm indifferent.

All he had to do to stay my friend was to be a genuine caring friend, and risk opening his heart to at least welcome what he wanted, instead to stab me in the back with uncaring lies and manipulations for his own benefit. He thought that he could get more from me while giving less by hurting me... And he preferred to hurt me... Losing me is the only possible outcome after sucking my blood dry while letting my heart starve. He did it to me, and he did it to himself, the consequences cannot be undone. Not for me, and not for him either.

He asked me to come back even if I hate him... The best he could think of to make me happy is coerced me so I'd force myself to be with someone who make me feel so miserable that I can only feel hatred... That's sick.

That's what I got for being the friend of someone too young who never grieved before. But he'll have to learn that nothing lasts forever and learn to let go... Just like everybody else. I had to grieve the fact that he'll never return my cares, respect and affection. He'll have to grieve the fact that he can't be pampered like a helpless baby with a diaper full of shit forever. I wasted energy on him that I needed for myself. I'll learn from that dreadful mistake. He didn't give a shit about keeping all his energy for himself unless it gave him much more rewards... I won't waste mine on him when the only reward is more bullshit, more whining... I did my best to make him smile for Valentine's day and that's the day that he gave me the most crap and self pity. NO.

Making another account and pretend to be someone else is the apogee of manipulation and I didn't get fooled at all. I saw that he can't manipulate and abuse me anymore. I was suffering from his harassment but I saw that I'm actually immune to it. He can't hurt me anymore because I don't care, the way he never cared about me to protect himself while doing the worst to me: manipulated me with fake love to abuse me with hateful cruelty... It's horrible... It doesn't matter if he has some quality and sincerity among a lie so hurtful. It's absolutely unacceptable no matter how much you sugar coat it. No amount of shallow briberies, without any genuine care for me, can possibly compensate for heartlessly and forcefully trying to take more from me than I'm able to give without suffering! That's why it's abuse.

If he misses me, he should have thought about that before torturing me, pushing me away, refusing to share, breaking my trust by bullshitting me with lies and manipulations... instead to hurt me beyond repair and give me reasons to run, he should have made a genuine caring effort to give me a reason to stay. It's too late now. I know that he's incapable of love. Greed, manipulations and mistrust isn't love. It's violence. I didn't understand why I was always feeling so sad while being so loved and cared about... Now I understand that it's because I wasn't... I was just being fooled by someone who had no respect for me and didn't even want to try to open his heart, he never intended to from the start.

He didn't want to bother to give me something that I'd miss. I can find images on meme sites and they're way funnier than the one he made. His briberies where done without real care and affection... otherwise he'd never threat me like this... He'd never push my efforts away, he'd never harass me against my will... he'd never try to manipulate me pretending to be someone else... I can recognize him because, unlike him, I paid attention to him. I don't have to return the harassment of someone who refused to return my kindness when he had the chance. All he gave me was manipulation to gain something, not genuine care to make me smile... Or he would have understood that I needed to leave and respected that... and I never would have needed to leave at all in the first place if he was capable of being a god friend... because I explained and begged for months, since the start, I even cried... And when I was the only one suffering, he didn't care, he even made it worse for me. He gave me no other choice but to give up... because he wouldn't even try.

No one will ever accept such an unfair one sided deal... and the fact that he belittled me, harassed and lied to me for it... Instead to put his energy into preserving the relationship when he could, instead to take it for granted, abuse the hell out of everything he could claw out of me.. Thinking that it'd be forever... thinking that I'd accept to be treated like trash forever... I've been too patient... I pity the next person who'll make the mistake to care for someone who doesn't care back... only about what they can get not what they can offer... Only what can satisfy them, even if it make the person cry... I pity his next victim of his manipulation. But at least it won't be me. And I'm sure that they won't take that shit for long either... and even if they marry him... he won't get any love and warmth from it... Just a soulless doll who forgot how to be happy. I remembered. I can't be happy by being abused and putting someone else's wants above my needs. No one can... because it sucks the very life and joy out of someone until there's nothing left. I healed, I remember who I am and my passions, but I won't go back to the person who destroyed me so I'd be at his merciless mercy.

He doesn't understand because he doesn't want to face the fact that he's responsible for losing what he wanted and can't do anything about it. He doesn't want to admit that he hurt me like an asshole. That his delusions where just as fake. That he was never loved either because I was loving an illusion instead of him. He doesn't want to face the fact that all his efforts only brought his doom and the doom of what he wanted. He doesn't want to face the fact that he has to chance to have a different outcome. He doesn't want to acknowledge the pain that he caused because only his on pain matters, and he doesn't want to do something about that, he wants others to do it... He wants power by stealing it from others, instead of making the effort to become strong and protect someone with it... at least protect others from himself... at least try... Instead to do his worst thinking that it's the best for him... The least efforts for a maximum of benefits... As if I was just an asset... an object to use, abuse... and break... throw in the garbage then grab another. Well, we're way past the trash phase.

He kept punching a dry citrus trying to get more juice after he crushed it all out... He's basically like a brat who let his dog starve to death and then cried because the dog wouldn't play with him anymore... I wished to send a letter to his father to make him stop harassing me, so he'd beat the hell out of him for what he does to me... But he's not even worthy of my hatred so I don't want to bother.

Someone who prefers to do the worst lies to manipulate and abuse someone who's already doing their best to truly care about them... deserves to suffer. He never had to threat me so cruelly... All he had to do was open his heart to welcome my kindness and return it... He wouldn't even open his heart to receive it... and he assaulted me to get even more when he couldn't care less... until he destroyed me so much that I couldn't remember who I am. It was hell... everyday... from the start... I tried so hard to earn his trust and encourage him to open his heart with me... But he preferred to abuse and destroys mine instead... Because hurting me was easier than giving me a real reason to smile... I regret trying, I regret caring for him, I regret talking to him, I regret meeting him. We could have parted on good terms but he harassed me until he destroyed all the positive that I could have remembered fondly as I moved on...

To harass me so much, to want me back even if I hate him in pain, to try to fool me by pretending to be someone else... he never cared about me, only about owning me... There was never any care, love or even friendship in anything that he said or did... Just selfish compulsion, greed, laziness... He used my care for him as an opportunity to do the worst unpunished like his father who is violent with him to get what he wants... Instead to see my cares as an occasion to safely be the best of himself and shine~ I offered him heaven... he turned it into hell... Because it was easier that way. Easier to not only refuse to make an effort... but to also ruin mine. I'm done wasting my efforts and cares on someone who won't even do it for his own sake.

He promised me heaven... he delivered hell. I never needed heaven... I just needed someone I could trust and who'd appreciate me by reciprocating... who'd at least give what he asks... He did nothing but betray me... and when he harassed me after I told him to stop... his mere presence was a disappointment... Our friendship was never real... He never treated me like a friend, he never acted like a friend... He never opened up because he never wanted to risk suffering from what he inflicted on me deliberately. He's so uncaring that he doesn't understand why I refuse to let him inflict his worst fears on me again.

He used psychological and emotional violence to manipulate me and coerce me against my will... It was relentless and intensely cruel... But even if he could come close enough to beat me up physically... I'd never surrender. I'd kill him.

What happened to him is the direct consequence of his choices and actions, sooner or later it always happens. I gave too much and I was abused, I stopped giving and I stopped being abused, I don't have control over him but I have control over me. He refused to give sincerely and his bullshit got rejected, it's as simple as that. Instead to realize that his technique didn't get the results that he wanted, he just tried harder with the wrong thing, he tried to manipulate me even harder by pretending to be someone else completely. Just like it didn't work to pretend to be changed, he can't change until he realizes what he did wrong and why.

The only wrong that he sees is my refusal to keep falling for his manipulations. He refuse to see that it's manipulating me that is wrong. He thinks that it's good for him and that the solution is to manipulate me harder... But that's how he destroyed everything! That's why I can't ever come back, he merely tried harder to hurt me instead to stop what was hurting me!!! He'll have the same result with other people. Because he's the problem. No one can share a healthy balanced happy relationship by being mistrustful, manipulative and emotionally violent. He tried to take me by force... he tried to crush my self esteem and dignity to break me so I'd succumb to his will by harassing me relentlessly and claiming that I should be grateful for the pain. He traumatized me so badly that there's no way I can ever believe in him, and hopefully I won't make the same mistake again. I care too much about myself to allow it again.

I should have ran at the second as he got evasive instead to get to know each other with enthusiasm, I should have ran at the second that his actions contradicted his words... He was never worthy of trust, he never put his heart into it... He only abused me by telling me lies to fool me. He fooled himself. Allowing his greed to take everything instead to appreciate what I was able to give freely is the reason why he lost everything, because he wouldn't respect my limit, he'd pull for more relentlessly, constantly walking over me for more, if I gave him anything, and even did when I gave nothing, so I couldn't give him anything at all, there was no way to save the relationship because his disrespect is unacceptable even as an acquaintance. Not even as an enemy, I could respect an enemy who face me with a fair fight, not one who stab me in the back like a hypocrite. It's because he dumped all the efforts on my shoulders that I didn't find it worth trying either anymore.

He exaggerated... Acted like a mad fanatic. I don't want to deal with his childishness. I can't believe that I endured it for so long, or at all. Better late than never. He had way too many chances... He abused my pity as a weapon against me so hard that I have no mercy whatsoever. I don't want to be with someone who has no dignity, who beg someone who hate him instead to become someone worthy of love then find someone who can appreciate that. He never thought that I was worth trying to give me his best, he tortured me with his worst because it pleased him... He made me cry then expected me to feel sorry for HIM and comfort HIM! The level of manipulation and heartlessness is so extreme that he'll definitively become like his father and beat the helpless... What he did to me was worst than a punch in the face... He damaged my heart, my mind and the core of my kind soul... I wish I could cut off his fingers for all the lies that he wrote with them.

When he made another account at kat... I wanted the satisfaction to reply him that he didn't fool me, that I don't want him, and to get the hell out of my life... But that would have fed the fuel of his delusion that he'll ever succeed to make me reply him again. He thinks that if he can push me to reply out of anger, he can make me listen to more bullshit, and make me reply out of love again... That's why he didn't care that he broke my trust... He thought that he could drag me even if I don't trust him... he never cared to be worthy of my trust since the beginning... I felt that pain everyday... But even when I cried he refused to acknowledge that he was doing something wrong to me, he didn't care, even when I left he only claimed that he changed... But he wouldn't even acknowledge my words... All he wants is my attention no matter how hateful or hurt I am... I refuse to play this sick game. I will never talk to him again.


He's sad because he lost something that he never bothered to give me. I was sad all along. I'm not going back to being miserable, while he rejoices from my efforts to earn what he never wanted to give and never will. Abuse isn't sharing fairly. Getting carelessness in return of giving cares isn't worth the effort, especially when someone never thought that we where worth to bother even trying. He's a pure waste. He's so bad that he made me give past my limit, I was constantly exhausted, and when something bad happened unexpectedly, I had no energy left to face it... so I was in distress... His idea was to come to pamper HIM, when the solution was to rip off this soul sucker and throw it away from my life.

I didn't ask for too much, only that what I receive is done with respect, sincerity, truth... He's so delusional that wouldn't know what truth is even if it punched it in the face, I can't expect it from him.

I noticed his sick trick behind the fake magic and he can never fool me again. He failed even when he tried the worst against me to manipulate and abuse me. He can't hurt me anymore because I chose not to let him, he can't force me back into his shitty hell even if he pretends to be someone else. I don't have to be scared anymore because my will to have dignity is stronger than his desire to break it. I finally feel safe again.

I can finally let go and forget him again.

If there's another victim reading this...

Don't let someone do this to you, don't do it to someone it will ruin what could have been a much better relationship.

Enjoy life and don't let anyone ruin it for you, not even by letting your own flaws and foolishness out of control. You have power over your own life. But sometimes all you can do is...




Lisa Of Shades
28 April 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Worthless


Insanity wolf ~ You're sweet like sugar, grains and corn. Nutritionally worthless. ~ Manipulative and abusive

Refined sugars and grains don't have the vitamins and minerals necessary to renew vital organs, cause unstable blood sugar and therefore energy levels and moods, and cause inflammation and damage even when you don't seem to have a problem with them.

That's hilarious for me. I remember who I really am and it's awesome. I'm way happier when I unleash my OCD on about health than some disrespectful brat that I made the mistake to care for and love as a person, or maybe not since he wouldn't let me know him and just tortured me emotionally. I looked at all my old and newer posters in my:

Relationships gone bad project

I wasn't happy for a very long time before leaving, I was miserable from the start but I thought he was just shy and tried to be understanding because we just met.

But I'm shy too, that's no excuse to be lazy. I decided to have god will from the start and do my best for the relationship so I wouldn't have regrets. Basically I left him because he wouldn't even share his hobbies with me. He shared his pain but refused to share what made him happy because he was scared that I'd mock him and get hurt, while he didn't hesitate to use his pain to do painful manipulation to get pity and be pampered...

He should feel ridiculous that he lost everything because he wouldn't share his simple hobbies with me. Yup, he lost me for a tiny reason like that, because he wouldn't even bother to make that tiny effort for me and nurture a healthy relationship. It was one sided. I will never go back to him. He made me cry. And he didn't care.

When he made another account and tried to pretend to be someone else... He showed me without a doubt that I'm right to leave. He has no respect for my needs, feelings and decisions... what makes me who I am... He just want to manipulate and fool me to get whatever he wants from me even if it hurts me. I literally told him that I want him to suffer, die and go to hell, and he thinks that I'll come back even after I blocked him 4 times.

That little brat will have to learn that actions have consequences, he's not the master of my life, I AM.

He didn't bother to try to share a balanced healthy relationship, he made me literally sick by unleashing all the worst in himself to feed on me... He didn't want to control himself, he didn't even want to protect me from himself. I'm not giving the best of myself to someone who gives me his worst. My feelings are so different now that I'm like a completely different person, stronger and more stable emotionally, by getting a grip instead to find someone to nurture my insecurities and therefore deepen them. I actually don't remember my time with him, only vaguely. Because I moved on and I don't need the information.

It's pointless to cling to the good moments when they where just lies, and he overwhelmed me so much with harassment that he made all the good disappear, buried into resentment, fear, anger and despise. There's no love left. I truly don't care if he dies, and no love can come back out of that.

Corn isn't a vegetables, it's a grain. And Tij wasn't a caring friend; he was just yet another abusive person who deceived me. I hoped that by tasting my friendship that it would inspire him to become better than his abusive family, to try to also do his best for me, so we could understand each other's pain but instead to share more pain... we'd build out own beautiful world where we sincerely care and protect one another... And I did... I let him into my inner world... He pillaged it and shat everywhere... broke everything... Like just another greedy human... like the people that he dislikes... and he destroyed what he wanted most with his own choices and actions... Instead to make the effort to become it too.

Why did I try to have a relationship with someone so young? I kept asking myself what can be more right that this wrong... I think I finally figured it out... I saw myself in him... No one was there for me when I was his age to give me kindness... and I suspect that it might be the reason that I didn't turn out very well emotionally, mentally and socially... I thought that I could help him avoid the suffering that I've been though, by giving the kindness that his family denied him, so he'd be able to grow into a good person instead to perpetuate the cycle of violence on his own children, by accepting that it's the way things are done and not knowing any better...

I gave him the choice to become a caring loving person by doing my best to show it to him... or to become another manipulative and abusive person like the people who made him suffer so much...

He chose to make me suffer. He chose to give me more of the suffering that I was trying to save him from.

He made his choice. He chose his usual hell instead to try to create his own heaven, and inflicted it on me. His heaven wasn't the absence of suffering, but to be the one making people suffer for a change! ME. Because I was kind to him so he thought he could unpunished. He abused my kindness, he turned it into a weapon to doom me. That was his idea of salvation, of getting higher... Standing on me and walking all over me. But then he'd be dependent on me, I was merely the inspiration so he'd do it himself, not a tool to do it for him.

He doesn't want to better himself, he doesn't want to save himself, he's happier that way because it's easier to hurt others than to take care of them, easier to coerce with manipulations than earn it by caring sincerely... So I will save myself. It's not easier that way, but I don't want to suffer from his choice. He relentlessly harassed me for more, hurt me for more, fooled me for more... He thought that he could make me come back... But he can't force me to love him anymore than I could inspire him to have more self love and dignity than that.

When I was younger, before I had to turn evil to survive abusive people, all I wanted was to be kind to people. I guess now I remember that I cannot save anyone. Unless people choose for themselves and do it for themselves, from the start... They will never change to keep what they think they already own... So the only way to show him that he's wrong, for me, and for himself, was to leave. But I didn't leave, made arts and wrote for him... I did it so I could open my mind and heart and understand myself... So I could see what I truly needed... What I truly want...

I need and want to be left alone in peace and free.

EDITED: I am so horrified I am shaking. Tij found an excuse to email me pretending to be someone else after I blocked him at kat... Instead to understand that I don't want to talk to him, and I don't even want him to talk to me, he emailed me asking why. HE KNOWS WHY! He just want to make me talk by any means necessary even if he makes me sick! Claiming to be nice... It doesn't matter what you say or do when you harass someone and force someone against their will. Sex feels nice, but a rape is still degrading!!!



Edited: His 2nd fake account got deleted at kat, I reported him so he'd get another warning, to show him that he can't fool me and the moderators. But deleting him felt like killing him. I feel so utterly relieved and happy!!! I blocked 3 emails, 2 kat accounts and one deleted. That's because I really don't want someone as disrespectful as him in my life and I'm NEVER coming back!!!

Lisa Of Shades
29 April 2016

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Insanity wolf ~ Haters

Haters, thank you for giving me time from your life. Too bad you have nothing better to do.

Insanity wolf ~ Haters waste time they could be spending having fun ~ Nothing better to do

I made that one a while ago after reading all my old comments in all the torrents I ever made at nyaa. It was really awful.

I guess that poster can also apply to me because I have a hard time letting go of my resentment. Most of my posters are hateful... But I don't give attention to the people I hate, I just vent harmlessly into the void. If someone in the same situation can benefit from my ideas, good, but I don't impose them on anyone. Well, I hope not. I at least do my best to control myself instead to try to control others, that just doesn't work because they have the last say about their own lives.

I like to make preemptive strikes when I make torrents, usually with a screen capture of the anime I'm uploading. It seems to work because the harassment stopped, and it restarted the day I didn't make one. I don't always have an idea, so I thought I'd make one that can be used for any torrent.

Lisa Of Shades
29 April 2016

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