Uncommon sense ~ Black & white ~ Kindness
Everything has two sides and more than they appear.
I will tell you two stories. One about a bird and one about me.
Once upon a time, a baby bird fell off its nest; he couldn’t go
back up and was shivering in the cold.
A cow passing by took pity on the poor thing, but all she could was to
wrap him in a big warm pile of manure.
The bird felt warm and he started to sing his happiness.
A cat passing buy noticed the sound, dug out the bird and swallowed him
The morale of the story is that someone shitting on you might be trying
to help the only way they know how, and it’s not because someone
takes you our of the shit that he has your best interest at heart. And
when you are warm and happy, you should shut you mouth and not complain!
When I was about young, to help me sleep I was replaying movies I saw
as bed time stories. I was gently falling asleep in the middle. After
a while I made my own and used the same character as hero. Then one day
he spoke directly to me.
I guess that he became my imaginary friend, but I simply accepted his
existence as real. I had many theories over the years, and now what I
think is that my sub conscious used it as a door to connect me to my deeper
As a woman I master the emotional side of my brain more, but visualizing
a person to talk to helped me use my rational side as well. I still do
it. I don’t care if some so called specialist thinks it’s
a sickness. It’s not based on facts but on fear, discrimination
and they don’t even try to understand. It allowed me to gain precious
perspective, information and do much wiser choices.
But as a child, I believed that he was my guardian angel, I still do.
He always had my best interest at heart, considerate, benevolent…
to me he was the incarnation of love and kindness itself. I wanted nothing
more than to be like him, to spread the same absolute joy that I gratefully
felt thanks to him.
But… influenced by my catholic religion… I thought that it
meant giving everything to everyone without ever thinking of yourself…
but that’s slave talk. Maybe the bible was made with good will at
some point, but it got twisted to abuse other using terror, and they sure
did burned people. Not hell, not demons, priests of good will.
So… since I wouldn’t defend myself, I was attacked. My kindness
got abused in every possible ways because it was there for the taking
and even I wouldn't defend its limit. I denied myself the right to protect
myself because I wanted to believe in justice, since my mother told me
“we get what we deserve in life, you must be doing something wrong,
be more sweet, kind and lovable!” but that only rewarded the abuse,
encouraged and enabled it… What we deserve is different from what
we get, that's up to the cause to effect, not worth.
If you want justice, then be just. Start with yourself, once you get the
habit, you'll be that way with others. It's true about everything. Kindness
and love must start within you.
As all my efforts and sacrifices only got rewarded with more abuse, I
felt devastated but didn't want to face that my actions took me further
away from my goal. I tried harder, instead to try different...
As I tried to be pure good, "the closer you get to the light the
bigger your shadow grows"... so I felt something evil growing inside
me, all the darkness that was supposed to keep me balanced, my survival
instinct enraged and wishing for nothing more than to protect me. But
the angrier he was, the more terrified I was to use him, which caused
a vicious cycle... When he took over to protect my life against my own
will, I was very confused. I thought it was wrong, I hated it, I hated
myself for it... when in fact this was simply self love. The very thing
that I needed to make my pain stop. I needed no one to grant this, nothing
had to be done to deserve it, no one's permission but
It was only a matter of will.
When I welcome this darkness in my life… I finally understood what
true kindness was. This monster had the unconditional love that I was
desperately trying to deserve and find… while I had it inside me
I looked at my master and could see him clearly with this new perspective…
He never kissed my ass, he never gave me everything I wanted anytime I
snapped my fingers without question…
He was harsh, brutal, crude, as cruel as the truth is… because he's
the voice of reason; rationality itself!
I had to struggle for everything I asked him, I had to sacrifice something
every time I wanted to gain something. I couldn’t just kneel and
prey, I had to pay the deal, get up on my feet and do the walk. He taught
me to grasp things with my own hands. I was utterly happy for everything
I gained, not because of the things themselves, but because of the pride,
dignity and strength that the efforts made me cultivate in me.
When he pointed out painful things, it was only to give me the opportunity
to better them. I had an absolute faith in his benevolence, he was there
for me, and only for me, because he’s a part of myself… so
I didn’t dwell on hurt feelings, I blossomed from the rain.
Here’s an example from when I started a severe lifestyle to ban
the foods that didn’t help my body and even harmed me:
I was whining about what I couldn’t have, all the things I had to
leave behind, dwelling on self pity, focusing on the loss when such a
broad spectrum of food opened to me once you give up corn, wheat and soy
with artificial flavors and sugar…
So here I was complaining “I wish I could eat that…”
Him “Oh but you can if you want to.”
Me “REALLY!!!????” all full of hopes and joy.
Him “Suuuure~ If you don’t mind the consequences that come
with it, like stomach ache, sugar crashes that make you in such pain that
you cry and wish you were dead. You probably can eat them a couple of
times before you restart shitting blood again. So go right ahead~ Eat
Me *gasping in horror as the mere thoughts twisted my inside out, remembering
the pains.* “Oh…” *puts the box back slowly as if it
was in fire or about to explode, staring at it with disgust, like fat
people should look at the junk, not at their protective fat.* “I
think I’ll go for something similar without the added sugar and
chemical poisons… like a green apple and almonds, I sure love those!”
Him “Yeah~ Good. You do that~~~”
Cruel evil bastard don’t you think!? But all I could feel from him
is love. And whenever I drew the character that was an angel to me…
I always drew him in black and often with demon wings… So I should
have known! Hahaha!
But he was also kind; he pointed the good as well. Telling me “You’ve
done well. I am proud.” When I accomplished my goal, no matter how
small and simple it could be.
And when my hypoglycemia made my feelings panic and freak out, taking
things that I can’t control too much at heart as well… he
simply said a cold:
“Don’t worry about it.”
And I knew that if he didn’t warn me, than that I could trust that
I wasn’t in danger, so freaking out was futile… and I immediately
let it go. It took some practice, but now it’s basically on cue,
even if sometimes I restart and he just say it again. I know I can trust
him since he is always right; and he is because if he’s not sure,
he’ll say so, he won’t state it as an utter fat, he’ll
ask a question to make me open my mind too. Not to question my value,
but to verify if what I’m doing is really according to my will and
Of course I have other messages from other parts of my brain. But I recognize
him from the way he talks.
My survival instinct is more aggressive, less composed, and tend to be
deadly… I know I have to gently put the brakes on him, but his input
is still very valuable. Like instead to stab someone to death, I can ell
them to get lost. If they’re not in my life anymore, the end results
are the same. I have to remind him over and over that being put in a cage
and losing our precious freedom would be worst. But with patience, even
that rabid beast can learn a lot. He holds the vital functions like breathing
and walking, so it’s not easy to reprogram, but he can learn simple
If I’m haunted by the echo of mean people belittling me, I just
plain don’t listen to that. I tell them to shut the hell up and
I have a challenging confrontation of ideas with my rational side instead.
Or I tell him how much I’m grateful and love him. That sure lifts
I might have flaws, but there’s always a part of us that deserve
praise. And different parts at different times, even the worst ones can
be life saving.
So the morale of the story is that kindness is much more complex than
mindless act of official goodness. And cruelty can prove useful and vital
to help you overcome what brings you suffering from yourself.
Someone who bullies an obese person instinctively knows that this isn’t
healthy. They might not understand consciously, but they might be trying
to help you stop digging your grave with a spoon on the wrong kind of
stuff. In nature, predators hunt the sick and the weak so they can’t
reproduce and endanger the very survival of the race. Maybe that’s
why we end up with handicaps and chronics diseases on pile of each other…
It’s cruel but it’s to protect the herd…
If it was seen as okay, everyone would end up suffering from its consequences…
We claim that grains are good and should be the base of the diet, its
wrong and so many people suffer from it! That information was based on
making profit, not health, and now that our health is ruined, we refuse
to admit the connection…
There are morbidly obese people, who stubbornly continue until they can’t
even pass through the door, walk or wipe their own ass… that’s
so wrong… it’s called morbid for a reason… I’m
hypoglycemic, I know how it feels to be ravenously and desperately hungry
all the time… but I also know that if I eat junk I’ll be even
more hungry later, and if I eat vegetables… the pain will finally
go away… physically and mentally.
Letting a child eat a whole birthday cake everyday isn’t kindness
no matter how happy the kid seems to be… its cruelty! You’re
denying him the protection of a wiser parent. When his organs will start
shutting down from the strain and poisons… when he’ll have
trouble walking and doing activities… when he’ll be bullied
and denied affection, and maybe even a good job, because his limited health
will make it impossible anyway… It will be YOUR FAULT! As much as
his. But you should have known better.
Winning by emotional manipulation to get the cake isn’t in your
best interest at all either. What you will win is sickness! Winning against
someone who's truly protecting you can only make you a loser. Sometimes
you should trust that they're in a better position to know what you'll
truly enjoy, that there is more to it than being a "big meanie".
Stay open to the possibilities of both. Because both are always possible,
even by the same person. Life is much more complex than black and white.
Indulging once it’s entirely up to you either. I always fill my
duty to my needs before anything else. I adore the results so much that
I don’t even care about my wants anymore, because all I want is
to be healthy. To feel good in my body, in my head and with myself! If
something threatens, endangers and robs it from me, then the good isn’t
worth anything, because the price is way too high.
But that's up to you to decide... If you complain, feel miserable, cry
and feel desperate and want the result to change... then you'll have to
change the cause as well no matter how much you think you like it. Nothing
can compensate, especially not for really bad decisions. You can't run
a marathon to be able to eat a box of cookie a day! Walking holding all
that weight will already be a challenge.
Don't look at change as giving up joy and delight, but as replacing it
with something that will be even more so. It takes a while to get used
to something new, what is familiar is more reassuring even when it's purely
harmful. But being lost and confused as you explore is the only way to
discover something great.
Sometimes its something that you already have but took for granted. Once
you lose it, you notice, and getting back the simplest thing can be pure
bliss afterwards. Don't wait for the loss. Appreciate now.
"Don't hate appreciate.
always have the choice.
You don’t need more of the wrong thing; you simply need the right
thing. The long term results will be far more informative than a brief
moment. But that makes the cause harder, yet possible, to trace. Problems
are meant to be solved.
Not make you feel sorry for yourself. Don't
waste energy; it'd take you less to do something about it. Solutions
can be very simple
, those are the best ones.
Someone who forces you to look in the mirror isn’t cruel, if what
you find what you see cruel… then maybe you should stop
being cruel to yourself
If it's something that you can't do anything about, then it's not worth
mentioning it. Tell them to shut up, and plain ignore them. Don't fuel
their fire, it might just be an excuse to get attention and steal energy
from you. Denying the reward can be more painful than a witty insult.
But if you wish, you can play and practice your come backs. It has a upside
and a downside too, like everything else.
We aren’t the master of the laws of causalities; there's always
a cause to effect… The consequences aren't up to us. But we can
acknowledge it and choose a better fate
I think it takes great wisdom to help someone using the dark ways, there’s
a fine line between empowering to better ourselves and bullying to crush…
but the end choice is always up to you even when the intent was to hurt.
You can even decide to sulk when all you get is affection and praise.
Doing that for someone might be enabling the destructive behavior.
I had a friend who was introvert, but I’d say the careless selfish
kind because there’s a way to be careful with this nature…
he didn’t seem to care about me or what I liked and I always had
to follow… even on my birthday he did what he wanted and ignored
me without even inviting me along when he suddenly left. The only way
he’d ever bother is when it was a matter of life and death, whining,
complaining, desperate… many people treated me like this…
So I ended up noticing that it actually trained me to always be whiny
and complaining… because that was the only way that I could be rewarded
with attention and a minimum of consideration. When I saw what he changed
me into… I dumped him. He had moments of great devotion and really
saved me… but regardless of the value of his friendship as a person
or to my heart… I gave up because I didn’t
like what it made me become.
I don’t complain anymore, I make things happen. If I don’t
like a situation, I change it or walk away. If I want something, I don’t
wait for anyone’s permission, I go alone. It’s better with
people, but if I always have to follow and spend money for things I don’t
want and they never share my joys in return… Then I might as well
give that shit up and only care for my joys… maybe someone who care
to balance things will come along… Until then, I’ll stay alone.
There are far worst things than being lonely.
Usually done by people. Even loneliness can be a lesser of two evil...
even a good thing.
By myself I have freedom!
Someone who pities you looks down on you. Trying to comfort you or taking
your load of bricks won’t help you become stronger. You’ll
become dependant, lazy… and as cozy as it will feel, when the person
will be too exhausted to stay and will have to walk away to save themselves
and be able to build something with someone who’ll bother…
The floor will crumble beneath your feet
but that’s what you get for standing up on someone’s shoulders
and crushing them… instead to try hard as well, becoming their equals.
Relying on yourself
is harder but it will
make you strong and less vulnerable.
Everything is more; even what you think you enjoy… it might be killing
you. Even what you think makes you a bad person; it might save your life.
Image borrowed from jillnagle
Please forgive me, it was too gorgeous.
Lisa Of Shades
25 AUgust 2013
I'm emotional a lot, but my rational side helps me stay grounded. He always
asks me "What do you wish for" and I always reply the same thing
"To be with you."
But one day he added: "Why do you always ask for this? You could ask
for fame and money, or any goals... It's good to be grateful and appreciate,
but don't you want something? Why do you ask for something that you already
have? Something that you can't even loose because I'm a part of you."
And I replied "Because as long as you'll be with me, I know that no
matter what... I'll be okay~ We'll figure it out."
Trust yourself, believe, be kind to yourself... and you'll be able to reach
higher, to overcome any hardship.
Someone who nurture self hatred, is bitter and on the defensive out of insecurities...
you can't hope for kindness from someone who treat themselves like shit,
doing anything anyhow, without choosing themselves any guidelines to keep
them safe... bullshit comes back to haunt you.
So be there for yourself, and you'll be safe.
If you want kindness, then give it to yourself. Your attitude will change;
your smile will spread around you. But protect yourself from people who'll
wrongly believe that this makes an easy prey, for it is easy to dwell in
sadness but it takes strength to smile.
The most important to smile isn't when everything is wonderful; it's when
you're going through hell. This simple effort can lift your spirit, along
with your face. Relax your muscles, let go, this can make someone incredibly
beautiful: serenity. Walk forward knowing that you'll figure something out.
Know more than your surface and you'll discover strength that you didn't
even suspect to be yours.
Everything that you want to give or gain from the world must be nurtured
inside yourself, for yourself.
It's true for both kindness and cruelty.
If you are selfless trying to gain praise, it's not sincere, people will
probably take advantage of that and make you feel more miserable hoping
to see you try and give more... or you'll fall sick and depressed when you'll
When you curse someone, the hate is like a double edged sword and you feel
it inside you more than the person would. It never stops to follow you,
until you let it go.
No matter what, you're always free to choose.
So make sure to choose what you want to live with.
Lisa Of Shades
26 August 2013