Uncommon sense ~ How to suicide ~ My venting
Writing is my favorite coping mechanism, so I think I'll save myself some
space, to cut short the Verify
the goal page... I don't expect people to read me, and certainly
not this page... But my site is there for me to express myself uncensored
and unstopped... So I'll make my voice echo into the world, even if it
falls into oblivion.
Who knows~ Maybe it can entertain and cheer someone up. Yup, there's always
worst off than you, and more screwed up too! Hey if I survived death and
crawled my way out of hell, so can you, no matter how painful are the
choices... when you can only choose the lesser of two evil. The easiest
way often turn out to be the most painful, and the most agonizing often
turns out to be liberating.
Sometimes to get what you want, you have to give it up and embrace what
you need. Probably all the time.
Enjoy~ But I'm writing it for my own relief, sanity preservation and enjoyment...
I wrote this after The reasons 6. They made a mistake:
People who can’t stand my humor don’t know what they’re
missing. If a loved one killed himself, especially this way… I read
that suicide is a worst tragedy than dying of old age, cancer or an accident.
I don’t think so. Rejoice, because unlike all those other deaths,
it was on his/her terms, it was by wish and will, and no matter how limited
was the knowledge, intelligence, coping skills, or awareness under booze
or drugs… It was done with free will. Perhaps there’s no better
way to die… but wishing to die is the worst way to live. You don’t
have to die to stop those thoughts though… just do something to
keep your mind busy on something else, even if it’s pointless or
worthless and only you can enjoy it… Like my website. Not being
allowed to speak my mind (and even FEEL!) unless it's in accordance to
what people think, like and want to hear makes me wish I was dead... But
this is my way to say... I still exist into this world, whether you like
it or not... Just come and kill me if you don't like it, it will be more
merciful than refusing to allow me to be me, to deny me a job, a family,
friend, love, medical care, police protection... claiming that I'm defective,
a disease itself, a monster, a demon... just for living what reality put
on my path and made me into... Just get it over with, with the bullying,
the exploitation, the abuse, the deceit, the oppressive unrealistic demands...
and kill me. But otherwise I'll keep talking. Even if in the end it's
all I have. Even if it's just an echo in the void... My falling tree will
still make sound even if there's no one to hear its fall. I'll be more
alive this way that if I pretend to be what I'm not! I tried until my
very internal organs shattered and almost died from exhaustion... and
when I have actually succeeded, people only made it worst. To crush more
blood to drink out of me… Well, I’m dried now. I’ve
known death and I’ve known hell… and the only thing that was
real in all this, the only thing worth living, the only thing truly precious
and worth fighting for… was me. I guess it'd be sad to kill myself
now... but I can't live either... Might as well not want what I can't
have... or cherish the best I can what I have left... Even if it's a shadow.
Even if I have to sell my soul to the devil for protection and end up
psychotic to make people stop, or be utterly alone... The only thing I
can do is make the best of it and protect myself... The lesser of two
evil, but my body made the choice for me... I'm too tired to fight with
myself. After all, all along, it's the only person who cared. My parents
both told me that I was born by mistake... this life is still mine and
mine alone! I'm not going to rectify their mistakes by killing myself,
I'm going to make my owns! Even if every breaths make me feel regret...
loneliness… rejection… the least I can do is accept myself
and be there for myself. I don't have the energy to kill, and there are
so many other people who should die before I do... If they have the right
to live, all proud as they hurt others for their own satisfaction, then
so do I as I mind my own business. Leave me the hell alone. The price
to have the damn peace. So be it. I can't help but long for a better life,
but don't we all... I struggle so hard just to be able to gain the basics
back, and I did... so I should rejoice and stop comparing myself to others...
I could be in a wheelchair or mental institution poked with needles all
day long... But the best choice I have gives me so much grief... There
are so much worst horrors in the world... but it's also why I wish to
leave it... I wish I had my own land and be able to go get fresh air without
ending up some jerk who'll ruin my day, body or garden... But back when
we had that, lords came to burn our home and rape the women... Human are
such assholes... the whole principle of life is… Having to absorb
the cells of another to prolong our life… The whole process is sad…
There’s connections, helping each other out… and many strangers
that I never met helps me… But I still feel devastated, lonely,
to not even be able to try and fail miserably anymore… To struggle
for dreams that people won’t allow me even if I succeed… to
struggle just to stay awake… and yet to be unable to sleep…
My hell can be heaven if I wish to look at it this way… but I guess…
for a little while… I’ll contemplate my reality… and
mourn what I cannot have… as my body cries for company… as
a tribal creature… abandoned into the cold… yet fed…
I wish I was eaten by wolves… and live on in nature… but my
existence… is a dead end. I guess I'm still entitled to enjoy it...
*~sigh* And so do you. Unless you're one of the rare who win against your
own body and succeed to loose your life... You might as well stay alive
and enjoy being a loser. The world won't change... but you can choose
what you look at, then your world will change. We don’t need to
die to let go… and we can nurture ourselves back to life…
Since I cannot die… I guess I’ll go take care of my body…
Maybe you can try that... even criminals are entitled to one last good
meal before their execution... Sometimes it’s all that it takes
to perk myself up.
I first wrote this at the end of Statistics:
I know so much physical pain, events and people that are worst than death,
but I can't die... and I cannot have a life either... invalid, unwanted,
abandoned, turned to seclusion to protect myself from abuse... I'm the
ultimate outcast. I'm asexual, by health problems and choice; I don't
want to be a free whole to have false affection. I worked hard to be the
best in my career, but I was rejected for my personality. When I finally
got a physical diagnostic of hypoglycemia and low thyroid that explained
my exhaustion, depression and other psychological issues, I tried to have
the label removed, but the psychiatrist mocked me saying that I have a
personality disorder anyway, that she can't find me any qualities and
that no one will ever want me, not even in therapy... I read often to
call for help... yeah right. Well, antidepressants are actually insulin,
and hypoglycemia can give you a very painful and depressing life, and
kill you. So antidepressants are probably more effective than sleeping
pills to commit suicide. But to make you happy, it's a freaking scam.
They cause depression! You'd be better off with illegal pushers, I saw
people actually laugh on those and they give you a better chance to die
with less pain. But they gave me problems, and junkies can be desperate
for drugs and be the most unreliable backstabbing "friends".
I'm already a slave of breathing, eating, sleeping and shit... I don't
want an extra need! I don't recommend it. Unless you want to throw everything
away and die. But nothing is ever pain free. Things pretending to be free
are often the worst. Flowers are okay though. Smell the roses.
I read people saying that it's a lack of will power... I worked 100h a
week until I couldn't walk anymore... I have more will power than humanly
possible!!! That's why I got adrenal fatigue! Lazy people don't get burned
out! But I still wasn't paid for my efforts; I didn't have enough to eat...
I was even mocked... The world that people made is a sick place, no good
deed goes unpunished. I understand too much... the wish to nothingness,
it's not true that "it's better than nothing"... But I turned
my back on the hypocrisies of the world, the world turned its back on
me, and I walked away from it. You don't need to kill yourself to vanish,
get rid of something, or even die inside... I wish I could sleep forever,
but when I sleep I can't control my nightmares... haunted by memories
and fears. It's my body trying to shock me awake me as a slip in a hypoglycemic
coma... but why won't you just let me die... I am the humble driver of
the collective of independent cells that is my body; my will is little
before them... Yet they protect me... I am never alone, with so many different
parts of me, yet I am so utterly alone... I can't even speak my mind online
without being banned, for an opinion that doesn't bully anyone, just because
someone doesn't agree and deny me the right to exist, or because I feel
pain and they want to get rid of anything that prevent them for enjoying
a pink bubble... Hypocrisies never made reality better, but it made people
in pain feel like criminals for living reality, wrong for having natural
human emotions, rain isn't evil... But I can't even allow it... I end
up spitting blood when I do... I was told by a nurse that it could be
my brain bleeding from the pressure... Lacking vitamin C, burned in time
of stress, can make blood vessel fragile, and it could pop in my brain
and kill me... So my body won't even allow me to cry... But it's a waste
of energy anyway... I was a unwanted baby, it's useless for me, no one
will come to protect me... I have to do it myself. But I'm not a baby
anymore, now I can protect myself... and punch people in the throat.
Everyone long to connect, but no one wants to make the effort to do it...
and people made me regret doing it... oh so deeply. You can actually physically
die from stress, cruelty and abuse... if the adrenal glands that handle
stress are too exhausted, you can't even walk or breathe anymore... That
was my reward...
Yes indeed, there is far worst than death... but unfortunately,
I am doomed to contemplate the flow of time like an immortal until my
time finally comes. Well, at least I have animes and videogames to help
me pass the time. *sigh~* It's not enough, but at least it's something.
Even criminals aren't isolated in jails. This utter loneliness is the
lesser of two evils. But maybe this hell... is the best paradise that
I can hope for. So I guess I'll take it.
I can't escape... so I'll make the best of it...
Feel free to try suicide though, your life belongs to you and you can
screw it up as much as you'd like. May you have fun in whatever you choose
to try, even if you succeed miserably, or fail in glory. Yeah life is
I wish people hated me for my flaws
If only people rejected me for being a creep, but I hide it!!! I put on
a brave cheerful smile and hide how much I want to kill and eat everything
that moves... Ironically people think that I'm a push over and try to
abuse me... thinking I'm approachable. I told someone once "Yes,
to talk, not to shove your dick up my ass!!!" Dumb people.
I got bullied for wearing glasses, being bad at sport. Yeah as if being
sick and almost blind wasn't hard enough... way to kick a dead horse,
oh you're very brave and strooong. Wait until you see what I look like
hungry and angry, hypoglycemia can cause such a severe rage... I didn't
understand, I didn't know... I had to live with that, mocked and bullied
even by the people pretending to be there to help me... calling me a disease...
harassing me to drug me into oblivion, as if you could force happiness
on someone who's assaulted, beaten and abused... I was smiling, I was
laughing!!! But I was exhausted and physically sick...
Maybe people would actually like me more as a demon, they actually did...
I wasn't banned for gore jokes... I was banned for asking for help and
saying my own opinion or talking about what others put me through...
They wanted to reject the pain so they rejected the person suffering instead
to do anything about it... and when they pretend to be willing to... they
use force... we don't need drugs, we need kindness and real food!!!
I don't have taboos even if talking about depressing stuff drains me and
I can't do it long... People who just want to shit on others and not do
anything about their problems don't deserve to be helped because they
don't want to help themselves...
I don't know why I'm so rejected... maybe we all are... we all are...
I'm just too sick and tired to jump through all those circles in fire
anymore... Painting my face with toxic chemicals, wearing shoes that would
crush my bones and deform my feet... wtf people... wtf... No one wants
this shit, and those who do should be shot!
I can handle being rejected and hated if I do something stupid... if I
fail... I had the hope to improve myself... But when I saw that I was
rejected for trying too hard, for being a perfectionist, for being kind
at all cost... I lost all hope and wanted to die...
Until I turned evil... I respect myself so now people better do!
Even therapists are terrified of me. Crying people, that makes them feel
good, superior and in control... But someone who's angry and won't take
shit from anyone anymore... oh I'm a monsteeer...
If I have to sell my soul to the devil to be safe, to stop being dragged
by the hairs, grope by force, beaten... then hell, forget the cash and
fame, just protect me. No flame can be more torturous than what people
put me through... those moments felt worst and longer than eternity.
I will kill instead to die... that's just how my body is... I guess being
a recluse is a lesser evil... but it takes a strong mind to fight against
your very needs... to accept that you can't have them... I often owl softly
like a lonely wolf... out of the blue...
I have a deep compassion for myself... for what I have to do... getting
rid of everyone and everything... because I didn't have to suicide...
they were stressing me out so much that I was literally dying...
I've been assaulted 4 times in one day once; the police refused to believe
me and accused me to be a junkie or a mad person... I couldn't believe
it myself... I actually joked saying that I broke my record... but then
my body broke... but what truly hurt me wasn't the retards wanting me
and trying to take me without my permission... it was my friends telling
me that I deserve it, others walking away after claiming everyday to be
my protector when I never asked for it but was stupid enough to believe
them... It wasn't forced desires... but denied compassion... that truly
devastated me... I had to give up all those false friends... after it
took so much out of me to find them...
And then... in spite of al my jokes, all my efforts to rejoice and enjoy...
I couldn't walk anymore... I couldn't breathe anymore...
I wasn't depressed, I wasn't anxious... I was dying.
From psychological stress, which takes just as much energy from the body
and adrenal glands as anything physical... and my vital organs just shut
down under the strain...
I was dying...
They prescribed me chemical hormones, just a simple cream, because my
gut ripped and I was shitting blood... the hydrocortisone replaced my
adrenals, weakened them even more... and I saw death like never before...
from their "help"... acute adrenal crisis is a known side effect...
yet they continue to give it anyway... Vitamin C and a B complex allow
your body to make your own and make the adrenal stronger in the process...
But the healing profession rejects this for profit... Because it’s
made by nature and you can't patent it... Chemicals made from man aren't
above it, unless you only care about the profits at the peril of people's
I don't want to live in a world like this...
I see people suffer. or I see people having what I can't ever have wherever
I go... and that's when I can stand up long enough to go out...
I'm sick of being sick...
But I can't die...
Maybe I should buy ice cream and fall into a diabetic coma...
I'm fed up, yet starving...
I can't stand all those lies, preying on each other... fucking ads...
Insanity... means that you saw reality.
It's so ironic that people living in denial, in a pink bubble, oblivious
to who they are, think they're the sane ones.
Everyone is fucked up, everyone suffers, no one deserves to live, except
trees. And bumblebee. God I hope I'll be a jelly fish or something in
my next life... Well, at least we'll all die in the process of destroying
everything around us and inside out. Maybe the sun will explode someday.
I feel sorry for the trees...
We all should just die by cutting our gut open and shoving a handful of
tree seeds in there. That sure would make the world a much better place.
Well, maybe people will see how annoying, unlovable, pointless and futile
it is to complain to others reading me whine... Do it in a file or something...
But don't smile to please people... or to hide, there's nothing to be
ashamed about... smile for you... to take a break from the crap.
The shit is here to stay, there's nothing denial or a bomb can do about
it. But you can still walk away.
I lost my tiny place in the world
I think I'm depressed because I'm leaving yahoo, they keep deleting my
posts even though they wrote that they were good... It's worst and more
demoralizing than being banned... I never thought something could be.
Many posted links only, copy and pasting them... but I'm the one who get
kicked in the teeth, for posting links to this site, which I made because
what I had to say was too long. What am I supposed to say now? Google
it for 10 years and read several books because the reply space is too
small and I'm not allowed an external space, even though the rules allow
it... I can't list my thousands of sources... There's so many false information,
especially about hypoglycemia (like doctors saying to eat candy... hell
it's the CAUSE!) I had to make my own resume...
Yahoo was my only way to be into the world... I can't go in forums...
I make friends, I'm loved... them some power hungry shit head don't like
me, take my stuff out of context, twist it into something completely different,
and ban me for it... Making me loose all my friends and my virtual home
because he doesn't like me or agree with me, even though we never spoke!!!
It happens in group face to face too... one person in the group hate me
and turn people against me, or assault me and I have to avoid everyone
to avoid more assaults... Or the friends I have now... too tired all the
time. They even told me that I have to understand that they have things
they like to do and I'm mean to try to take them away from that... WHAT!?
I wasn't asking for anything, I offered friendship, they said yes... I
expect to share happiness together and now I'm a monster trying to take
them away from what they love!!!??? I wanted to share joy, not to claw
it out of them!? WTF do they think I am! It's really looking at me like
a piece of shit to tell me that spending time with me would take them
away from enjoyable things... instead to see me as an enjoyment too and
a nice change... Hell that's fucking mean! I offered, they said yes...
There's always one shit or the other... I don't want to follow and spend
money on shit that I hate, I'd like it to be my turn to choose sometimes
to, but it never is... I have to shut up and follow like a dog... Or people
call me when they want to pour their shit on someone, then mock me when
I'm the one in need, and ignore me when they have fun... Someone complained
to me, and I let him know that I understand by sharing a similar story,
then he laughed, mocked me with utter despise, looking down on me... I
said "You freaking idiot, we could have helped each other and cared
for each other, but you chose to see it as an opportunity to attack me,
guess what, you're mocking me for being exactly like you, you moron! Get
the fuck out of my life!!!"
I can make my own fun... but still I long for kinship... But I'm very
unique... Too sane to be among fucked up people, and too fucked up to
be among normal people. Too clever to be among both, and too poor to be
with clever people... Ah~ Joy~ Being sarcastic does make me feel better...
I feel bad about the incoming Christmas... It’s a family time...
I can't have children, I’m too sick and I won’t let you people
torture and bully my children… The greatest proof of love will be
to not let them be born in a world like this. My family only send me cash
to buy themselves good consciousness to let me rot completely ignored...
they even told me that I deserve to suffer when I tried to tell them how
hard I work even if I don't get paid for what I do... They keep saying
to do exercise, to do walks... I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP!!! I trashed them
all, but the damn mail service didn't do the job... or my mother moved
and never told me... either way I dread getting their hypocritical piece
of paper... I called them to thank them every year... But when they mocked
my suffering and let me die... I woke up... I hated them so much that
I couldn't find the strength to do a fake happy voice... I sent them a
card... and when I saw how easy it was... how meaningless... how heartless...
I saw that their money wasn't love... I let go and walked away... but
they keep coming back!!! I pretended to have moved... either way Christmas
will feel depressing... A family that I hate that send me annoying paper
crap, buying me like a cheap whore... not even good enough to whip my
ass with... or being lonely without news and only dreams of a decent family...
I trashed my father after a doctor finally passed the tests I asked for
and found out I was really sick... Thyroid problems can cause low energy
and depression... He complains about them all the time... how tired he
is... how much life is hard... And I shut up lovingly, when he's rich
and goes travel in the south and all over the place... and HE complain
to ME when I didn't even have enough to eat... I had to go to food banks
to get rotten food, which tasted like hold people rubbed their crotch
on them... even though I worked 100h a week for months but wasn't paid!
He can't even send me 20$ for my birthday so I won't regret being born
so much... But he complains about his fucking thyroid... and when I told
him that I have the same, he said "No, you're just a hypochondriac."
I replied "Damn, father, I told you that the DOCTORS found it!!!
I have the paper with me!!!" As if he was the only one who could
feel pain, exclusive to him... complaining while people suffer hell itself...
When I couldn't walk I had to hold on to the furniture to reach the toilet,
and to put my head against the refrigerator to be able to stand up and
make myself food! I didn't have a spouse to pamper me or trips in the
south!!! You fucking heartless asshole. You don't even deserve to be kicked
by an axe to be put out of your misery, you bastard!
I hate my family... with the utter passion of the hell they put me through
mentally and physically. My fat mother mocked me and demanded me to become
anorexic... But all she bought as food was chips and junk... I never saw
a vegetable... I can't tolerate grains but she was forcing me to eat white
bread... I was crying and getting diarrhea everyday and she was calling
me insane, threatening me to lock me up in a mental hospital, to throw
me in the snow for Christmas... I hate that bitch, she's worst than cancer...
and anyone with a heart would become insane, all her kids did...
Loneliness is better *whispers* there are far worst... far worst... than
Oh so lonely...
I find it very hard to bear... Replying people in yahoo sounds insignificant...
but that speck of dust was the only human contact that I had and could
bear... Having my voice deleted over and over... Making my efforts pointless...
it killed me inside... so I walked away... I guess I could post in the
joke section, but there's always someone in distress posting there by
mistake... and mental health questions... is the only thing I know how
to reply... Because suffering... loneliness... despair... is all I've
And unfortunately... all I'll ever know... for 50 years to come. The world
won't change, my health improved with so much efforts but even if I get
a new body I won't ruin it in the mad society again...
My own mother didn't want me, what kind of start can this bloom into...
So I was dead to the world... before I was even born.
At least I have my inner voices to keep me company… thank god I’m
insane! Even if that’s just natural biology since we have more than
one brain, constantly talking together, usually without our awareness…
I wish my emotional side could be happy… go to sleep without nightmares…
I will take care of you… even if that’s all you have…
at least you have… yourself.
Please my darkness, protect me... Right now I want to die... but without
you, my survival instinct, to defend me... to take me away from what I
want that's only destroying me... I'd still be in a far worst hell...
and for that I thank you... But it breaks my heart in countless pieces...
that this is for the best. But in this longing, this agony, I’m
still grateful to you… even for denying my one last wish…
to finally die.
Thank you... to protect me... even against my own will. Please love me,
because no one else ever will. I wouldn't believe it anyway... The people
who actually loved me are the ones who abused and tortured me the most
violently and cruelly...
So please love me, even if you are the devil himself... even if I'll burn
in hell for turning to you... even if I end up hurting someone which used
to be my worst fear: being like my mother... please... devour my soul
if you have to... but protect me.
I love you... my dark side, even if you are everything I feared and hated,
for you... never abandoned me. And all you ever did and tried to do...
was for my well being.
The unconditional love that I desperately sought, destroyed my health
for... was there for me all along... in the darkest and most terrifying
corner of my soul.
I am lonely... and I feel like my life is aimless...
But my rational side, I trust you with my life, and I will live for you.
My kid side... who's been so hurt... I'll hold the melancholy for you
so you won't have to cry... so you can always smile... getting up no matter
what in hardship... you're my most fragile being yet the strongest...
the cheer leader that mobilize the strength of all the other parts...
My capacity to enjoy the wonders of the world. I promised you as a child,
as the horrors of the adult world came crashing too soon on me, that I
will always keep you around... and even if I kept killing you countless
times... I will always cherish you... Soon enough you'll come out with
the cutest sound out of the blue, to cheer me up... Until then sleep...
the evil wolf will watch over you.
I howl sadly at a world that I can't ever truly be part of, a world that's
the best we have, as we try to survive... I howl sadly as succeeding to
be unique made it harder to find kindred spirits... as I know they are
out into the world but I can't reach them... I howl sadly because I am
sad... But I rejoice to allow myself to feel and be... what reality the
I've done nightmares of lost friends and it really disturbed me... it
had to be over... but it will always crush my heart... that being all
alone is the safest and sanest option for me... and that I'm actually
less lonely this way... than feeling ignored.
I don't have the strength to live, certainly not build relationships...
I howl sadly as I try to cling to a life that is long gone... but what
else can I do... than survive in the shadows.
You cannot save someone from darkness by sitting in the light and mocking
them to come have fun already... You have to step into the dark to be
able to connect with them and help them find their way... But they can
become dependent on you, and suck the light out of you like a black hole...
until they find how to sustain their own energy... But I met many who
refused to respect their own limit, and dwelled in a fake sadness in the
name of poesy...
Sometimes I need to indulge, to get it out of me... But I want to find
balance and be in between... For the dark, I now know, has its vital purpose.
Basking into the light can make you blind.
I am grateful for what my suffering helped me learn, even if I resent
those who inflicted it on me deliberately, especially when I deserved
the opposite... But I am grateful to life... for the rain.
But I sure hate people. Maybe I long for activities... to go out... to
be healthy... Sadness isn't a disease... I am sad... because I am sick...
and I am sick... because I put other people's wants and whims before my
needs... so maybe I have something precious to learn... from this loneliness.
And yes, I remember now… I choose this… to be able to heal.
I went to get psychological help for sexual abuse. When I realized that
this “help” was just fucked up bullying, it’s because
they ended up telling me that I have no qualities and that no one will
ever want me, not even in therapy. Well, if people try to rape me all
the time, then I guess I have something they love and want somewhere,
duh~ Fucking retard. I came with my documentation to explain why the diagnostic
by some other retard was a mistake, hoping to dialogue between 2 intelligent
person… she didn’t take it well. People never do when they
notice my huge IQ, and that but licking admiration won’t ever happen
as a result. They should worship and learn from me, instead to go all
defensive and try to destroy me. WORSHIP ME I SAY!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT
I read a tutorial that was much more mean than I am, it was amazing. Yes,
I’m so fucking angry to at posers who use suicide as a manipulation
to get whatever whim they want. You have no idea what pain feels like…
if you can’t even do your own laundry, pay your own bills and be
scared every months that you won’t have enough to eat… or
have a chronic illness… or worst… I’ve never been raped,
and I don’t have some very hard core diseases (yet maybe I do, the
severe protocol and lifestyle that I follow can even cure cancer…
so… maybe I’m worst off than I think, but I like to think
that there’s worst off than me… somewhere…) I’ve
been there cuddling whiny people who had it all, everything handed over
to them on a silver platter, and still managed to complain in self pity
like a crying baby… I silenced my agony because if they freaked
out that much about bumping their toes on the furniture, breaking a nail
or other natural events of life… they wouldn’t be able to
handle the criminal hell that I had to bear everyday for years…
which was paradise compared to be locked in your father basement, raped
everyday, have 7 kids and see some of them die… true story…
So next time you want to whine, you little shit, think about that and
go eat some VEGETABLES!!! That will make your body more able to cope with
your self inflicted bullshit.
I even had a fr4iend who complained with utter despair that she had to
pay money for the stuff she buy and couldn’t have everything she
wanted… It’s like crying because the sky is freaking blue
instead of another color!!! STOP THAT I HATE YOU, YOU BRAT! ACCEPT THE
WORLD!!!!!!! Or change!
Or guys complaining because they got dumped by their girlfriend (usually
the other way around, get a life of your own you bitch! You don’t
need a man’s permission to make yourself happy!) guys, at least
she left before she got pregnant, at you didn’t get pregnant yourself…
try having a period just one freaking day and then complain that life
is hard… I have to bleed 1 week a month, there’s 4 in a month…
So I bleed ¼ of my life and you tell ME that I’m the weaker
sex!!!? Try to bear guy’s bullshit as a man, you freak out just
at the idea of a gay out to get your ass, how would you feel if half the
world was out to basically rape you!? Fucking moron. Just go fuck yourself!
Yes, you deserve to die, it doesn't make you special. Everyone does. Try
living your life handicapped and bullied for something that already make
you suffer... then you'll have the right to feel superior for surviving
hell... weaklings of mind might as well die. Becoming an invalid myself
allowed me a new perspective... it humbled me as I was basically perfect...
and made me see that people of true worth don't have the money, they're
being exploited by people who can't do shit by themselves... and they're
the one to get rich!? Assholes. Yes, life is unfair, get vengeance on
someone who hurt you once in a while, by at least telling them to fuck
off, you'll feel much better about it... and refrain from bullying, there's
enough retards who deserve to die and who torture people into murderous
psychotics without one more... but feel free to make one less. If you
are in a situation like this... tell them to fuck off, punch their throat...
and if all is lost and death is the only option... kill THEM. They asked
for it long and hard. But those people are pussies, grabbing them by the
hairs and banging their head in the wall a few times will probably do
the trick. I just give an angry glare and they run for their lives...
"Never say die", unless you're about to kill someone. But that
would ruin the element of surprise... which often hurts even more~
Right now I'm badly hypoglycemic, really losing my mind, got sick on health
stuff like fruits, and I snapped so hard I got junk like chips and ice
cream... and salmon... so I'm going to enjoy my death meal and it's going
to be so delicious that maybe I'll want to live again... Well, right now
I'm too angry to wish to die... which is great! I'm not disabled because
I want to, I'm not on welfare to steal people's money... But after all
my hard work and abuse, if I was starving in the streets, I'd buy an axe,
go to people's house, rob them, kill their entire family and eat them,
even the cat! It's not madness, you can't torture a sweet little girl
for decades and expect them to stay sweet, that outcome is perfectly rational
for survival... and if you expect me to curl into a little ball and die...
you're fucked up. Too lame to kill me yourself (I would have been so burn
at the stake for not worshiping men's mighty cocks, loving nature and
shit), you make me wish I was dead until I do the crime on my very being.
Well, I have news for you people, IF SOMEONE DIES IN THIS SAD STORY' IT
WON'T BE ME!!! My survival instinct is freaking powerful, and I'd probably
wouldn't be sick if I allowed myself to use it... When I threatened a
client to wait for him to get out of work and show him my knife collection,
I finally got paid!!! That's what you understand people, that's what you
spread around, pain and misery, then that's what you fucking get!!! VENGEANCE
IS RATIONAL AND SANE!!! It's letting people do all this to me that was
insane. Thank you for breaking me people, now I am free!
Like one of my favorite anime “Elfin Lied” said: “If
there’s no room for me into this world… then it’s my
responsibility… TO MAKE ROOM!” That’s actually where
I got my idea of home invasion, the cannibalism part is because that’s
how I used to feel when having hypoglycemia, now I just crave almonds,
less fitly and tastier.
Ah I'm so out of my mind right now, deeply hypoglycemic... the anger kicked
it and that kicked out my loneliness and despair. If rage is what holds
me in one piece... I can live with that... For a little while at least,
I don't want to drain my adrenals by milking too much adrenalin...
True strength isn't only how high you get, it's how low you can bear to
live with. It's what you accomplish by yourself, what you overcome and
I never lost my family, I threw it away willingly… What I lost is
the hope to have a positive one…
My very old aunt kept telling me to take walks, as if exercise was the
cure for exhaustion… for organ failure… ha! Fools.
”I’m able to!”
I was in my 20s… can you comprehend the SHEER TERROR of being sicker
and more disabled at the beginning of my life than someone in her 80s…
If I was suffering this much now… and it can only go downhill as
you age… I wasn’t even able to stand up without holding on
to the furniture… and it was going to get worst… Can you imagine
how worthless of a life and future I saw, the despair… to be mocked
by someone in her 80s… Old people are sad that their life is behind
them, but they had a great life… I was going to wait for death…
in agony… for my whole life… doomed and living at the edge
of death before my life even begun… for more than half a century…
This was pure hell.
I couldn’t even make myself food… I somehow found the courage
to cut vegetables for a few hours once a week and make myself a stew,
meager rations, 2 small bowls a day, which had to last for the whole week…
There was dishes all over the place because I literally needed to save
my strength to breathe…
They mocked me, ridiculed my pain, shunned it away… to bask in their
pink bubble made of lies… busy pretending that their life wasn’t
a failure, with a fail marriage of a man who just plain ignored her and
called her “mother” instead of “my love”…
but if she opened her heart instead to judge and manipulate people with
hypocritical lies and demands of perfection… Maybe she’d be
able to connect to her own husband… Now I understand why he avoids
to even look at her, she disgusts me.
But she sent me money “It’s from my heart” if she had
one she wouldn’t have said that I deserve to suffer when I explained
how much I was fighting hard… The least they could have done is
bring me some food or help me clean once a month… But I was utterly
alone… I had to pretend to be overjoyed so they wouldn’t be
inconvenienced, when I was so exhausted I couldn’t even sit!!! Because
the weight of my own shoulder and spine was crushing my longs and making
it hard to breathe… My heart was so weak, my blood pressure was
so low from dehydration and lack of electrolytes, probably from starvation,
that my heart couldn’t pump my blood against gravity, I had to lie
down constantly… Bed ridden… In the period of my life that
I was supposed to be the most alive and active…
I got better… I found by myself my disease and the cure, I got proof
when I convinced a doctor to test me before calling me insane… I
don’t have one chronic disease, I have two… two vital organs
that started to fail… two signs of adrenal fatigue…
I never learn, studied and worked harder than when I spend my days laying
still in bed with my computer as only company. I won. Against death itself,
and I crawled my way out of hell! Nothing scares me anymore, my rage and
will to live is more powerful than anything. Probably trained by feeling
sheer terror, pain, threats and torments everyday of my miserable life.
Ironically, the more people tried to destroy me, the more I felt sick,
but also the more my mind became powerful… But maybe I was born
this way… But I wasn’t born so angry and resentful.
I discovered all the lies of society… as I found the real cure…
and a better way to live.
It took years of sacrifices, such a severe diet but who in their right
mind would want to eat cardboard, sand, varnish and paint anyway…
and I’m not even exaggerating, the chemical ingredients used in
our food are found in such deadly household products and industrial waste…
I won against my own insanity… by discovering its reason, its purpose
and making it my ally.
I have revolted against my family, saving my energy for myself…
as they used me as a mental punching bag to feel more power over their
With my genetics, with my IQ… I was supposed to be rich, to go to
prestigious private schools, to have high demands put on me but also be
given the resources to achieve them… All I had was the demands and
blames no matter how much I have succeeded.
But what truly horrifies me is that I am the product of my parents, I
am them… I dread having the sadistic hypocrisy of my mother and
the selfish whininess of my father… If being poor, abused, humiliated…
helped me transcend their flaws… Then it’s a good thing that
I went in hell, rather than be them and truly deserve to be.
I now have the cruelty of my mother, and the egocentrism of my father…
and this should probably worry me… But the same weapons used differently,
for a different purpose, can have a different worth.
My mother was sadistic against me because she tried to be perfect with
others, and all that build up rage got unleashed in secret against vulnerable
people who couldn’t possibly destroy her image: her children…
She called me a liar and insane when I told her what she did, but I have
the scars to prove it… She loved to dive her nails into my arms…
but I would have preferred to have them ripped off my body rather than
the atrocities that she told me.
I acknowledged that I am not perfect, that I am evil… I raised this
monster lovingly like a pet, like a child… It grew into my dark
knight… he would never attack my loved ones, he would protect me
and them against harm. I can do mistakes of course, I’m so messed
up… But I only manipulate people to unlock what stops them to reach
their desires… well, mostly…
My father was selfish… bragging about his richness yet complaining
of being so miserable to the less fortunate, making me feel even more
miserable when I was the one who needed support and a welcoming hear…
Accusing me of being depressing if I opened my heart… but never
having a single pleasant word to say ever… As if he was the child
and I was responsible for his happiness at the peril of my own…
I now am selfish… but I have an extremely powerful emotional brain
as well, I feel other people’s feeling as my own… I cannot
bear to see people suffer and do nothing, but when all they want is complain
and not help themselves no one can do a thing… But I do not want
to complain anymore… I am not expecting people to read this…
and I do not mean to complain… I probably do, I need to vent, but
I have a point… I am selfish not to abuse others but to take care
of myself… maybe there’s no difference for the one doing it…
and will seem harsh for the person in the way… But I gave everything
I had… even my health… yet I did it to be loved… so
all along it was selfish… Now I am more self efficient. More honest…
Even if I become rich… like my father… I will always remember
how it was to be scared not to have enough food to eat… I will never
be able to be as harsh as he was… I sure hope so…
I do think that if I could do all this… people should and can even
if it could take them longer… I saved myself and lived… all
alone, with the whole world, even my family, friends, doctors and even
the police against my well being, denying me my very lucidity… because
no one can bear all this and stay sane… But I always faced it…
I always faced it all… I clawed what was in my heart and poisoning
me and threw it away, crying, dying inside… to be safe and be reborn…
free… I threw away my very notion of wanting, my desires, my dreams…
and I have accepted it, stoic like ice… because it was… necessary
I was dying… and no one cared… people used this weakness to
exploit me even more, to walk all over me… many pretending to do
this out of care! That was the worst… To be hated I can stand…
but to be told that I’m loved by people who give me pure disdain,
neglect and cruelty… I could only lose faith, trust, hope and love
itself… I became as dark as oblivion. Yet… I fell into a deep
love with what I found in it… “Do no far, fallen angel, the
demon watches over your fall.”
I was dying, literally dying… I know the difference between pain
and death… I’ve been to the hospital, I had operations…
but this was nothing… even trying to kill myself… I didn’t
see death that day, I met my will to live.
But when I took prescribed hydrocortisone and when I ran out… it
actually made my adrenals shut down worst than they ever been… I
truly met death. I tried to call myself an ambulance and asked if it could
be free for people on welfare because I couldn’t afford it…
(what’s the point of saving my life if I can’t eat…)
The miss on the phone replied with such an angry disdain, instead to ask
around, she said that she doesn’t know and hanged the phone on me…
I have a severe dread of hospitals… because I cannot block people’s
pain… and because there’s so many mistakes and filth flying
around… To call for help… I was dying… but I was still
rejected… treated like crap… by people paid to be saviors…
paid to care… paid to do their damn job!!! I might be on welfare…
but at least I don’t deny dying people help when I can do something
about it!!! Maybe it was my choice because I said I have no money…
then she hanged the phone… what makes it criminal… is that
it was actually free… she didn’t bother to ask…
But then what… they wouldn’t have found a thing, threw me
in the psychiatric ward… and I would have died… or gave me
more chemical drugs, fried my kidneys and adrenals some more… and
I would have died…
I saved my own life… I fought to breathe for 3 days… in what
seemed to be a coma… I don’t know by what miracle I managed
to feed myself… I even went out to buy groceries in a last energy
of ultimate hope in the hopelessness… I saw death… and discovered
that there’s actually no line between life and death, it’s
all at once, all possibilities… It inspired me to live… as
I saw life in its purest raw form, beyond society, I finally saw beauty,
in life, in everything.
People only made it worst, people only got in the way…
Everything that I am, everything that I have accomplished, everything
that I have… I’ve done it with my own hands, by my own will,
with my own strength… I owe nothing and the world owes me, it’s
about time that I take care of myself.
All the people who looked down on me… who tortured me… I survived.
I am better than you. You wouldn’t last a second. I am free. My
happiness is real, for I made it myself. For I embraced sadness and anger
when that’s what was real…
I don’t care about status; I don’t care about money…
I won against death itself… I am safe. I have a home, I have enough
food… I guess I even have a reason to live.
I won’t die even if I’m killed… My spirit is like a
phoenix, reborn out of dust blazing in rage… as much as all this
sadden me… as much as I feel like my big IQ made me owe the world
to be great for its benefit… it saved my life. I wanted to do medical
research and I did.
I am saddened that I was never appreciated for what I gave, for what I
But I now appreciate every corners of me, the weakest, the most evils…
For it wasn’t you, so called “good” people, who protected
me, who nursed me back to health, who made me keep hope, who saved me…
It was myself, and only myself… This accomplishment can’t
ever be denied. It was myself, my darkness, my suffering and even death
itself… I used everything that brought me agony and made it my strength…
I embraced pain and sadness, faced it and overcame it everyday. I used
it to fuel my rage, every tears turned to fire… will to live.
Yes it’s true… I do not want to live in your world…
But I made my own… and even though I feel lonely in it… I
can bear to live with myself. I can look in the mirror and love what I
see, in spite of my fat cottage cheese ass (Hmmm~ cheese~) and my disfigured
face (I’m having a bad allergic reaction to something right now,
my face melted…) In spite of all my flaws… my conscience is
clear. Because I am no longer a good person… I’m even better,
to myself… to the people who suffer for I understand them, I cannot
mock the trial that I went through… and if that’s all it taught
me it would still be worth it.
But I am still angry at people… not just for being ungrateful bastards
denying me my dues… or scared people in denial with their head up
their asses spending more energy pretending that everything is okay and
none to make it so!!! I am angry… at all those so called good people,
angry… because I tried so hard to please them, to be one of them…
when even the devil himself have more heart!!!
I am proud to be in the dark, but I do not dwell in self pity, at least
I try not to even if sometimes I need to, I don’t shun the light…
I enjoy the dark… because that’s what you need to be able
to notice all the lights in the sky… beyond the one sun… and
appreciate the vast beauty of the world.
I am underground, under society… under the ads, the lies, the manipulations
and false promises… my feet are deep in the dirt, in the raw earth,
where life sprouts in all its beauty…
In death I saw life.
In despair I saw real hope: make it happen.
In suffering I found wisdom.
In loneliness I found freedom.
In sickness and disability I’ve reached my true dream.
Nothing will ever erase my past, and I don’t want to… this
made me who I am, this is the only way to learn how not to repeat it…
But of course it will never stop to hurt… sometimes sharp, and sometimes
a dull ache…
But true strength… isn’t to smile when everything is fine…
true strength is to smile in spite of everything…
I wondered if I was being a hypocrite, but this is my way to try to spread
something better, to make sure to cultivate it inside me…
There would be no point constantly telling people how much I can feel
hatred for humankind… for my own kind… for casting me out
and not having the kindness to kill me. Cast out as weak and defective…
but it’s easy to seem fit when everything is handed to you and you’re
surrounded by love no matter the horrors that you inflict to others…
But it takes way more strength to walk through mud and fire, all alone,
in the dark, surrounded by predators, especially when you’re just
a little girl, a seemingly innocent and defenseless child…
Even the sweetest little girl has a demon in her shadow to protect her…
I am very grateful to mine, to my survival instinct.
Even if I feel trapped. I am glad to live. For you. My self.
My rational side is always harsh like only the sheer truth can be, pure
facts, bullshit free no matter how much it can hurt, with me... probably
worst than the way I write... and I love it! My parents and people were
mean just to belittle and bully... it takes a very special being to have
the wisdom to do this constructively. I wish I was as good to others as
this side is to me... but it turns out to be good because my mind is open
and I want to use it as a tool to better myself... Maybe the trick is
to give facts, not opinions... Something that this side of me, rationality
itself, do wonderfully. Thank you for saving my life, my lord and master,
the voice of reason. You kept me sane... in all that madness.
The curse of the undead
What’s so poetic, tragic and heart wrecking in the curse of the
undead, like vampires… is to fight against the agony and live on!
In spite of not having the very essence of life and being doomed to suffer
without deliverance. Not to embrace pain when you have everything!!! You
damn FREAKING POSERS!!!
Don't dwell in self pity when you are favored by destiny, make the best
of even the worst situations! Jumping in darkness when you don't even
know the meaning of pain, disrespecting your own body as if not defending
it wasn't enough of an outrage already! Doing it for fashion... Get you
own freaking personality and fight to defend its right to exist!!! Fight
against the grim reaper himself and WIN! Against all hopes... hope against
all odds... Then even if you fail trying, you'll achieve a poetic tragedy...
But spitting on your blessings and others to create one just makes you
an ungrateful brat!
I have anemia, I have hypoglycemia, low thyroid... many common traits
that inspired the legend of vampires. I have the rage, the thirst for
blood, sunlight hurts my eyes and burns my skin... A doctor described
my level of adrenal fatigue with words such as undead... and I have fangs,
two rows all over my mouth. So I am pretty damn close to being a real
vampire... so I can tell you this: stop being a freaking poser! You're
a disgrace to the real deal. If you have any admiration, respect or remote
liking for such tragedy, then stop making a mockery of our suffering,
you haven't got a clue, you buffoon!!!
This hell is nothing to be imitated, envied or embraced, you freaking
disgraces. Accepting your destiny and overcoming it for the better is
what makes us strong, what makes us great... not the tragedy and pain
itself! Not the freaking fashion!
Stop screwing your life on purpose to give yourself a genre. Stop shitting
all over your life, maybe it will be more enjoyable!
I chose this hell because the alternative was worst, not to look cool!
I chose this because it was the best I could do to survive and reach happiness.
Throwing away the gifts that life bestowed upon you thinking that it will
make you as admirable as someone who had to claw his way out of the ground
to rise again... You should be ashamed... I threw away what I had because
it was poisoning me, torturing me, killing me ô so slowly but surely...
but I long for more that can't ever be. Just someone who doesn't threaten
or harm me would be good enough. Someone who have the guts to look at
me, my real thoughts and feelings, without turning away. But perhaps this
doesn't exist, for anyone. We only want to love was is like us... yet
we refuse ourselves the right to love ourselves... so we constantly look
for someone who'll do it without having to feel selfish... Absurd.
Love yourself now. You need no one's approval to exist, you just do anyway.
Enjoy your freaking life you ingrates!!!
Lisa Of Shades
The will to live
14 November 2013
Maybe the reason why I wanted to do medical research, besides that cool
horror movie about genetics that I saw as a kid, was because I wanted to
learn about biology, so eager to discover life... as my very right to be
born was constantly denied to me... but people were too chicken shit to
act according to their convictions, abort me, or put a bullet in my brain.
Even being burn at the stake would have been mercy, at least I wouldn't
have to sit on the side and contemplate humanity shit all around the place,
on each other and even themselves... and be unable to do a thing about it...
and not even be able to be a part of it... Maybe that's how gods feel. I
feel like Cassandra in the Greek Mythology, able to see the future but unable
to prevent it because no one would ever believe her...
People, you're dumb, but you're on your own, so you might as well make the
best of it because no one is coming to save you. There was this Jewish dude
who tried once, but after you chose to free a murderer instead, and nailed
him to a cross, no one's going to volunteer for the job anymore.
Well, the doors of heaven are open, if you ever feel like sucking god's
dick up close. But don't expect to rule in paradise. Someone has to trim
the garden, take the pubes and feathers out of the pool for the angels.
What, you thought it was there for your benefit? Then why the hell do you
think you're down below! You're a cheap reality TV
that's what you are. Now go mess up and make a fool
of yourself so the immortals can be entertained!!!
Enjoy! Well, at least they will. Dumb ass. Mwahahahaha!
Lisa Of Shades
Murder is an option
15 November 2013
The people at school who bullied me and made my life a living hell to the
point that murder would have been mercy... or the other people who weren't
there but would have done the same to a weak half blind girl with an unusual
personality (trying to cheer in utter pain and despair by any odd and original
ways possible)... those people grew...
Those bullies grew into the people who'd hire me once I fought to accomplish
my dreams... no wonder no one wanted to hire me even though I was among
Those bullies grew into the so called professionals in mental health care,
so no wonder, when I called for help, that instead to explain me what I
could do to better myself and make the torture stop... all that they ever
told me is that I have to figure it out by myself, that I have no qualities
and that no one would ever want me... Bullies once, bully forever. Having
a title, status, position, paycheck or whatever claiming to be helpful doesn't
change people's bullying nature... and drugs can't either. Why don't they
make drugs for the people who destroy others, instead to inflict that on
the victims... Maybe because they treat the wounded... they blame them too.
Those bullies grew into police officers, so no wonder I was mocked, told
that the horrors that were done to me couldn't possibly have happened, that
I must be insane or on drugs... Even my worst imagination never compared
to the cruelty of people's real actions... Maybe that's why I'm such an
easy victim: I'm too nice. I was told many times. Well, maybe I'm nice because
if I allow myself to get as angry as people deserve, they won't live long.
Those bullies grew into parents, so you can't expect warm understanding
and love even if it's their primal duty. No wonder I never got any. They
loved the idea of having a perfect child who'd make them look good... like
a doll to own and toy with... but all my thoughts and feelings, all my opinions
were ridiculed and punished harshly... I couldn't even choose my own clothes,
even if her atrocious choices got me beaten at school. So I had to suffer
twice, completely powerless. Everything that my mother told me to be and
do, to be perfect for her, got me hated, no one like to be looked down upon...
and how was I supposed to make friends... People had parents who went out
to make activities, friends with other parents, the kids became friends
and learn how to function... I was never taken anywhere... I could have
been locked in a closet for decades and it would have been similar... So
she couldn't expect me to know how to function... I was so sick I couldn't
even stand... already back then... because she fed me garbage to save money
to go party and buy herself dresses every week and bags... Then she belittled
me because I was weak, sick and ugly... when it was her responsibility and
failure to keep me healthy, happy, and thriving... She gave me birth to
manipulate my father not to leave her for another woman... how could he
leave a pregnant woman with 2 other kids... he'd have to continue to work
in her stead so she could eat chips in her bed all day... He left and gave
her money instead... A wise choice... but I was a failure to her before
I was even born... and nothing I could have done could have changed that...
My father had pictures of his girlfriend's children, and my mother had pictures
of her boyfriend's children... I belonged no where, I was unwanted, unloved...
Branded by the person sending me into the world... That I was unworthy to
be loved... and this is what people saw, for that's all that was ever put
in my heart... Called a retard when I was in special classes for gifted
students... The best day of my life is when I punched her throat and called
the police against her, as she beat me 5 times in a row... frustrated that
she was dumped by a man who finally opens his eyes... The people who hate
you... can't do better when they know... that they only deserve to hate
themselves... full of hate... that's all they deserve, that's all they ever
What do you people expect when you deny someone their very existence, at
least kill them... not everyone will commit suicide, curl up in the gutter
and starve to death... Some people will buy guns... and start shooting everyone.
It sounds very logical, rational and sane to me.
Thankfully I didn't have to go that far... I punched people. I was punished,
called insane... But no one ever bothered to allow me to fit in or to explain
me what they expected of me. The garbage in magazine is just publicity and
I'm not others, I'm me...
There's nothing wrong with that.
I had my own life, my own reality... if it was abnormal, I still had to
adapt to the best I had the best I could... I can't have the same personality,
behavior and attitude as someone who was born out of love and cherished
all their life... who had friends instead to be isolated...
Punished for her kindness... I had a friend whose parents were into the
Witnesses of Jehovah... I gave her a material gift because I wanted to express
my gratitude for her to be my friend, even though I was dirt poor... Her
parents thought I was trying to convert her to the crimes of materialism...
and told her to give it back and never speak to me again... That's how my
kindness got rewarded... I was also assaulted, dragged by the hairs, thought
that I was willing just because I was polite enough to be nice... As if
anyone in heat would enjoy being dragged into the woods begging and crying
by an old fart when she's just a child...
Does it really surprise you... that people want to die? It surprises me...
that not more people go on killing sprees.
We weren't born insane... you did this to us... by years of pricking us
with sharp needles... daily torments, with innocent cruel words that you
find SO funny... grating our mind little by little, our hearts, our will
to live, our sanity... you think it's so horrible to be shot in the head
for a few seconds... when you don't even have the time to suffer... when
you die loved and confident enough to walk over other people just for fun,
because you believe that your friends will back you up and it won't be a
one on one fight... You have no idea... what hell feels like... actually
you do, you find it funny, empowering, to see someone suffer and cry...
powerless before the boot that you shove in their throat and heart... making
you feel better about your frustrations of not having whatever you want,
whenever you want, faster enough...
People like that... I wouldn't shed a tear to see them die. I wouldn't feel
regret. I don't want to go to jail so I'd only defend myself on the spot...
But once thing for sure... someone deserve to die... but it might not be
the one wishing for its sweet mercy.
Sometimes insanity is the sanest thing that you can do. As long as I keep
doing morbid humor, the pressure of my vengeance won't build up... my sadness
either... People don't understand kindness, so I don't expect people to
be amused by my humor... but they should be grateful... that I didn't choose
(I'm hypoglycemic, right now. Eating sugar can make me feel so very aggressive...
I bought ice cream... the corn in it probably crush my brain against my
skull from an allergic inflammation, putting my survival side on high alert...
I normally take such good care of myself... But right now... I have enough.
Thankfully I can stay hidden in my home... if I was living with someone,
going to work, or had kids... and got shrieked at or bullied... Right now...
someone would get hurt. *sigh* It will pass in a few days. I'll enjoy some
dark animes like Code Geass, Elfen lied, and Shigoku Shoujo... Seeing violent
art helps me vent, too long can ingrain that mood deeper... but heck...
I expect to have a psychosis and kill everyone since I'm 20... lasting 13
years... it's great... Oh yeah... this is also why I chose solitude... When
my primal side demands murder... I just don't return where that person keeps
going to... I guess living my life without killing anyone, when I have such
good reasons to... would still be a great accomplishment... even if it’s
a silent one, even if I don’t get paid for it. Wait~ I actually do.
Welfare isn't given out of compassion but to keep people from being too
close to death and end up revolting and acting violent to survive... When
you treat people worst than animals, you're really a fool to be surprise
when someone bite you... gut you... or shoot all over the place until they
get you! Right now… my anger… is all that’s keeping me
in one piece… What happened… I dreamt of lost friends…
I felt lonely… The shield around my heart shatter and my whole mind
went down to hell… memories flowing out… Like sneezing on a
pile of poisonous dust… Maybe it will settle eventually… Just
keep writing… it will pass… *whispers* Just
keep talking… the void is listening.
Lisa Of Shades
Legal drugs aren't the answer, especially not legal
15 November 2013
At least drugs that aren't endorsed by the government and not using money
from tax payers won't tell you that you're defective, they'll promise you
a good time. They lie too, but they usually fill their promises better,
since they can't benefit from ads and propaganda as much as psychiatric
I have hypoglycemia, this is what makes me aggressive and suicidal even
though I'd much rather kill first (anemia too, and food poisoning... and
allergies...) and antidepressants is insulin to make people weak and docile...
they might refrain the high sugar hysteria of someone starved for real food,
but on an hypoglycemic, they just make it worst! That's why they have; in
so small character but still admit it, that their side effects cause psychosis,
depression of all things! and suicide... murder too.
Because no voices ever tell you to do anything. Even if some jerk boss you
around, or threaten you with a knife, you can always at least bite his nose
off or at least die trying, if you can't simply walk away, which you often
can... or just say yes and do the opposite, apparently it works wonder at
work... Never tried it, I try to reason, but with people just demanding
you to suck up to their insecure ego, without even bothering to explain
you how to do a good job... It sounds like it could work wonders.
Back to my point... Yes. I have the potential to be extremely dangerous...
not because I'm strong; I'm very weak from sickness... what makes someone
dangerous is the intent to kill. I do have my primal side asking me to kill
and eat... to protect myself and fill my needs. But no voice can ever force
you... My rational side reminds my primal side that if I do kill, as sweet
as it would be, I'd loose my utmost precious freedom and get in way more
trouble... And my emotional side often feels compassion and pity for the
human insect anyway...
But let's throw drugs into this... and see what happens.
It would shut my brain down, yeah... it would shut my emotions so I might
not be sad or angry... but it would also shut my rational side so I might
go psychotic jumping to really weird conclusions and associating what I
see to the wrong concept...
But that's still fun.
Here's where it gets ugly... when you shut someone's brain down with a chemical
straight jacket, you can't turn off the primal side, because that’s
what takes care of repetitive automatic functions like walking, or more
importantly BREATHING. But relatives of people on antidepressants reported
that they gasped for breath and died on them... so I guess psychiatry has
no shame. Oh yeah I'm sure the person is cured of depression in his coffin,
and BAM lots of clients with the mourning family. What a great business.
And the dangerous part, the risk that someone, like me, might hammer an
enemy's head against the wall until it changes color for the tint of love...
it’s not the emotional or rational side... It’s that primal
side... for survival.
So on drugs... all that I'd be left with is my urge to kill with no reason
or emotions to stop or at least moderate it. Well, I guess if I laugh like
a maniac killing people I wouldn't be depressed anymore, so yeah I guess
it's a valid cure... NOT! Because it takes free will away. That's why I
hate drugs and booze, and especially the weaklings relying on them (oh I
know pain, you weakling!), you're too out of it to make an informed decision
with every parts of you. You can't find a solution to your problems this
way, and that includes figure it out how to properly and efficiently run
away from them for real. Nothing's wrong with escaping your problems, but
pretending that you're not in the middle of crap out of denial instead to
just step out... That's just lame. Hey I walked away from what I wanted,
loved and needed the most... don't waste your time telling me that you can't
or that it's hard... JUST DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE FOR
Yes it must sound scary to peek into the dark corner of my mind, that's
probably why you never dare to look into yours, believe that you're so perfect
and above others, you slime. If you took a long look at yourself, or anyone
that you envy or idolize, you’d see that we’re all the same
screw ups, but in a different way, no one should look down or envy anyone...
if you do just start making different choices. But you can't impose any
on others... yes you can try but the choice is always up to them, and they
can choose to beat the life out of your arrogant ass!
Here's what I basically told someone trying to have a power trip on me once:
I have decades of build up vengeance and murderous rage, that scream to
come out every second of the day, I have to control this extremely powerful
force every seconds of the day... So if you want to control me, great...
but it will mean that I'll have to stop controlling myself, so you can do
it for me... Do you seriously think that you can handle hell itself, do
you seriously think that you'd survive very long~? You might want to let
me control myself instead and back off.
I have way more strength and self control than the people who try to control
others. I can do what I need to on my own; I don't need to do this bullshit.
I’m happy enough with what I can accomplish by myself, at least the
pride and value belongs to me; there isn’t any on walking on others
and taking things from them. That’s being a parasite. I may be on
welfare but I don’t berate, belittle, trick, exploit, abuse, harass,
bully, hit, rob or kill anyone in the process. I’m on it because I’m
sick, but all the so called lazy people that you reject because they don’t
look cute enough, or smart enough, without even giving them a chance…
what choice do they have. I even read about a guy who was ignored by companies
because he sent too many CV everywhere… The poor guy just didn’t
want to be on welfare. I worked 100h a week and didn’t get paid to
eat… I spent years on welfare thinking every time I eat “I don’t
deserve this food… I didn’t work for it.” I DID! Every
single day that I endured bullying, mobbing, abused and the cops refused
to believe me, rejection, all that violence taken with a pleasant docile
smile... yet wishing that I was never born… I paid, and society owes
me way more than working sweat… society owes me BLOOD!
If you’d rather pay me to be in jail in my own home all alone, for
the crime of being born, rather than allow me to work with the best of my
abilities, instead of demanding inhuman perfection that can only be promised
with lies and manipulations… The choice wasn’t mine, but I sure
as well took all I could have! Don't blame me for your own discrimination!!!
Everyone has something to offer to the world and we recognize a great leader
by his ability to guide his people be the best they can be, at what they
do best. If you can’t do that, and waste unappreciated talent…
then fuck YOU! I'm doing the best I can, with the information and opportunities
I was given. I'm not gutting you with a chainsaw, what else can you possibly
want from me!? To look like a porno star, while acting like you're mom,
with the opinion and will of a soulless doll, yet worshiping you as if your
cock was god? You sicken me!
But so far that’s the message I see around, I can do a great job and
be a great person without this bullshit that’s completely irrelevant
to the tasks! Why should I be the one to be labeled defective for not wanting
to waste brain power, time, energy, money and sanity on this superficial
futility! If we spent more honest time accepting each other instead to try
to trick each other, then maybe we'd be able to find our kin somewhere,
instead to trick the person less suited to our needs because we’re
scared of rejection… yet rejecting harshly ourselves… Not that
I’m different… But at least I can see how fucked up it all is…
If we stopped thinking that we can pick anyone and run when it gets hard,
maybe people would appreciate each other more when they find a connection
and try harder to make it work… We’re all scared like hell trying
to pretend we’re not, being cruel to people who dare to show it, because
we hate being reminded on how badly we are, and how much we lie to ourselves.
*siiigh* I can see it all, and I am so weary of this shit. I freak people
out by being too direct, instead to play all those fucked up mind games…
Well, guess what, you all look crazy to me!
Oh, or when I give you what you want, but then you freak out for some reason
even though you ask for it... Can't you just say "Thanks, but I think
I got enough now." Nooo~ you get super rude and mean... implying "Take
a hint"... Wha--- JUST TELL ME YOU FREAKING JERK AND BITCHES!!! Apparently
it's a common problem in a couple... How hard is it to say "Not there"
and "Right there"... Oh you're scared to hurt their feelings so
you'll just give the cold shoulder and pouts like a child... "Why can't
he/she read my mind!!!?" Well, I CAN, the thoughts are feelings translated
into words and I can feel those even if my translation will be different...
And I still need to be told directly! Heck, my own mind has to speak to
me directly for me to understand it. There are just too many distractions.
You don't even understand yourself, how dare you demand it to others when
you're as inconsistent as a leaf in the wind!
I'm usually the sweetest little thing~ (But people might find that annoying,
I'm just trying to spare them the grim... with the best of me.) But this
is my home, this is my world, this is my web site... and right now... this
is what I need to say to stay sane... Facts aren't negative, they're just
facts... And the best I can understand the facts of my life is with my opinion.
I wish I had nicer things to say. I do, but not about people in general,
not the ones I met, and not now. Right now I have sadness
and anger to live to go through mourning a loss and I'm going to live it!
Because it's the best way out. If you stop or alter the process, you stop
going through it, and you can't reach the end. There's no going back! Just
going through... steps by step... stopping, taking a deep breath, shedding
some tears, punching a pillow, walking forward some more, with a few more
stops... then it's over. Just like being born all over again. Gross indeed.
People wanting to crawl back... that's just creepy.
Trying to force happiness down the throat of people who need to express
and live a different reality... leads to disaster. Trying to prevent the
depressive or angry step in the natural mourning process, stop people from
coming to terms with their grief... and it can build up into something monstrous.
My whole life is a mourning... right now anger is keeping me alive...
Just don't get in my way while I'm cutting some vegetables in pieces...
Be nice to me and I'll gladly return it. "Return what is given to you,
no matter if it makes grateful or vengeful" is my motto.
I have so much pain to give back... Even if I was to kill, it wouldn't even
the score. But if that's what it takes to have the damn peace, be left alone,
and be safe. I'm ready to die trying.
No good deeds go unpunished… but bad deeds don’t always get
Don’t mess with mad people, and don’t turn people mad with your
bullshit. Some people do bad things because they’re too lame to achieve
their desires the good way... they should be put down with a shotgun and
their corpse shacked before being fed to alligators. But some people aren’t
left much of a choice to survive; crushing them with yet more suffocating
control can only backfire. People killed and died in the name of freedom…
imposing such fake and empty stereotypes now is missing the goal of their
intended purpose… Attacking is a good defense… for me trusting
is no longer an option… If bullying, discriminating for the tiniest
variation and abusing is reasonable in this world… Then so is pain
I’d rather be killed, I’d rather be beaten… than be denied
my own existence, than be harassed mentally. I’d rather kill too.
My pain never stopped… because the memory will never change…
but soon enough I’ll forget again… why I became this way. But
the person that you turned me into because you didn’t find me good
enough… might actually be worst than your worst fear and nightmare.
HAHAHA! In your face.
No drugs, no therapy, no friends, no family, no amount of love or tears
will ever change me back.
Thank you. I'm very grateful. I love being evil... the utter evil... of
finally seeing... that I'm more important in my life than anyone else ever
Suffering... was worth it... the love that I so desperately craved and almost
died trying to deserve... I HAVE IT FOR MYSELF!
Thank you. For breaking the wall in my heart… that forbid me to look
at myself, for breaking the belief that I had to devote myself to other
well being, that for being born with a skill I owed to make the world benefit
from it… Society might not want me, but life apparently does…
my body does… and I do… It saddens me that I’m out of
the cogs… but in a way I still am… but when I look at all of
you… who have everything that I was told to need to have the right
to be happy… and see you miserable anyway… Then I might as well
rejoice… between my furry blankets, alone, with my damn freedom and
peace. The price for them might be loneliness… but the price for acceptance…
was an unattainable lie that wasn’t worth it.
People don’t even accept themselves and the basic principles of life…
like the laws of causalities… Well, I am the own cause of my situation…
I chose this… what makes me feel so sad… is that I had to.
No one lese than my own self is worth living for… but… I guess…
it’s a law of life that everyone has to humbly accept. There would
be a whole lot less bullying if people did… and saw that from any
other angle, from any other people’s perspective, they’re not
the center… they’re the worthless specks of dust flying around…
Even the whole planet is just that…
Yes~ your death wouldn’t make much of a difference…
but it also means that your life doesn’t have to be big either.
Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013
Sure, I'm a loser, the more I try the worst it gets.
Sure, I don't deserve to have a job/friend/family/love/home/food/child/spaceship/whatever...
Sure, I don't deserve to live.
But I'm such a loser that I can't even kill myself.
So who's going to have the guts to put my out of my misery?
Sure, you judge and talk big but you're no show, just babbling wind.
So I'm going to stay and have fun.
If you have a problem with that, then come and get it over with already!
Weird, I didn't know that I knew the word "babbling" and I never
used it before, I had to check the meaning... I know even more than I thought!
Fascinating. I never cease to amaze myself... and people's stupidity never
ceases to amaze me... well, I guess it's something. Well, the intellect
isn't everything, it even gets in the way by making the gap to connect with
people wider, but it saved my life... and at least I have that… my
intellect, and I guess my life as well. Maybe people screw your life to
practice for their own, or because they're screwed up as badly as can be
and since that's all they're good at, they need someone else to continue...
We're all walking piece of shit and also the flies at the same time, in
our own putrid way~ If it wasn't for plants to recycle it into life, this
whole planet would be a crap ball. Too bad we poop faster than they grow…
well, humanity will drown in its own waste soon enough~ People continue
knowing, thinking that they can live a rich life and send the bill to the
next generation or the people under them… but we all drink the same
water and breathe the same air, and all of it got pissed and farted at some
point… and it will happen sooner than you think… it’s
happening right now. People are dying from it right now. The unfair part
is… it’s not the people responsible… and it’s not
the people who want to die! Ah life~ You have such a sense of humor~
Lisa Of Shades
Waking up on a nightmare... again.
15 November 2013
Nightmares of him (the one who showed me that when I finally fid someone
who actually love me... he's only more cruel and hit deeper than the people
who hate me...), and that village… missing the nature… his lover
was in fact a singer I was into… he lied to leave maybe… I asked
him to come back sometimes… the only thing I want is to stop the pain,
for him to stop hurting me… that I just want to be taken to places
I like sometimes… he gave me a orange plastic belt, but I cut it by
accident… I longed to follow a river deeper and deeper into the woods…
such nostalgia… such loneliness… I can’t take it anymore…
I can’t go out, can’t even post in forums… this is torture,
why do I have to bear nightmares… I handle it during the day, but
why do you keep sending me ghosts of the past!!! I don’t want all
this, any of this… in elfin lied, the anime, she said that she could
bear it all, any torture, if only she didn’t feel so alone…
if only she had a friend… But I never had one… maybe no one
ever did… who would want to be the company of pain if they could just
walk away… maybe I did… I tried… but I don’t even
have the strength to go out anymore… no more abuse… no more…
please my brain… please my memories… stop torturing me when
I sleep… I know you’re lonely… I know you miss nature…
but it’s useless to plea to me… Can’t you see I already
know but just can’t do it!!! I don’t ignore the need because
I want to… but because there’s no way for me to have it,,, so
please… stop giving me nightmares… stop reminding me that an
empty lonely life is torture… stop twisting the blade is my ever lasting
wounds as I do my best to walk forward… stop giving me nightmares
of the loss I had to go through… making me go through it again and
again… I’d rather fall in a hypoglycemic coma and die…
so STOP USING MY TORMENTED PAST TO WAKE ME UP!!! Please my brain, I have
abdicated my will and life to you… but don’t ask the impossible…
I actually do have friends… and I still feel ever so alone…
as they keep saying that they have better things to do than share happiness
with me, that I'd even be taking them away from what they love... hat hurts
more than insults... So… Let me be… I have accepted that my
life is just waiting for death, that I am socially powerless and dead…
SO STOP TORTURING ME WITH GHOSTS OF THE PAST WHEN I SLEEP!!!
Enough... enough... my body, if you won't allow me to die... at least let
me sleep in peace.
The worst part is... I was so happy to be outside, to see the forest...
and to see him of all people... I'm so lonely... I just want to die. Myself
isn't enough but people are worst than nothing! I'm so angry at you right
now; I want to shove cookies up my nose. I should eat ice cream for breakfast
again, a hypoglycemic suicide... To tell me that any food would be fine
with you rather than let myself starve again... I guess I'm really at the
end of my wits... I always eat something decent soon after... I don't want
to cook, I don't want to breathe (be careful what you wish for)...
*whispers* I just had enough...
Fine... I'll go feed you......... I just want to cry and die... I can't
even cry... (You'll feel better after eating)
*stares at keyboard in silence* Right now I envy people who win against
you, you know... my survival instinct, and even you my reason... I can't
see a single reason to live. I'm so angry at you I could kill you... But
it's not your fault that those memories are there... It's the fault of people...
So loneliness is the best thing to feel... and you're the only one who ever
truly genuinely cared...
I just want the nightmares to stop. Is it because I ate fruits and got hypoglycemic
from that little sugar... can't I at least have that much sweetness in my
life!? Is this how it started...? Why did I start dreaming of people of
the past a while back...
Why... what can I do...
(Eat and enjoy something you love)
The definition of hell and madness... I'm pretty sure it was to repeat the
same thing over and over... If you want to live so much why don't you completely
take over... at least for a while... shut down my freaking emotions... or
leave nothing but anger... Even being cut in pieces would hurt my heart
less than those nightmares... Insects everywhere...
Oh god was it a gift?
Waking up alone after dreaming of people I lost... it's just too cruel!
I'm losing them again!!!
Why can't I be insane like everybody else and out of my freaking mind...
why when I'm paranoid it actually does happen... Well, the cause to effect
is predictable... and apparently your calculations are spot on...
*sigh* You are a wonderful ally... My life is the best it has even been
and I'm grateful to you... The price to pay is hard sometimes... am I even
(Why don't you go eat and find out~)
ARG! This again... FINE!!! HELL! FINE!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU! But you're all
I have... so I'll go take care of you... But please choose different nightmares!!!
I can't win against the drive to live... can't win against you... it's fascinating
that the brain is made of different parts that can be in contradiction (Like
the bible) ... yeah but at least when I pray to you, you answer HAHAHA!
Fine I'll go grant your prayers and feed you something... If you won't help
me die... at least you help me live... Thanks I guess...
*sigh* I'm so insane, but you're the sanest part of me... don't worry I
won't take some prescribed drugs or others to shut you up... That would
be stupid... My precious voice of reason. My guide in hell.
Lisa Of Shades
The emotions must lead even if it hurts, and especially
because it does
15 November 2013
Why do I have to be the driver of this body, why can't I be the one in the
(Because the emotional brain has vital information, only you can perceive
the senses, what is pleasant or painful, it's very precious information
to me, the rational brain, to be able to make informed decisions, without
you, I'd be powerless...)
So it's because I'm able to suffer so much that you can be so damn clever...
(In a word, yes. The reason can't lead, because without the emotions, I
wouldn't know what is reasonable...)
Thank you. For giving meaning to this torment... and to me. And for being
such a wonderful guide.
(Thank you for listening.)
Lisa Of Shades
The holy trinity: your brain
15 November 2013
The holy trinity: your brain
I find it hard to handle external stimulations, stress, emotions... but,
my reason, you must have so much more to deal with to come up with what
you tell me sometimes... even able to predict probable futures...
(Yes. We all have our duties. Even the primal side, he keeps you breathing,
Oh god if I was aware of all that I'd really loose it.
(Yes, that's why we are here for you. We have different levels of awareness.)
I thought that the primal side came out only in times of danger with wrath
(No, he's always taking care of us all, like we all do.)
I'm seeing my dark side under a new light.
(Usually people aren't conscious of their sub-conscious...)
When they do they freak out! Hahaha.
(...and never take a pause and be grateful. You keep saying that I do a
good job, even when you are angry at me, but you do a great one too.)
I'm whiny and suicidal... a coward...
(No, it takes much more courage to walk away from what you love than blindly
stay in a situation that's destroying you... I admire you for that... and
the most destructive thing that you actually do was to buy yourself a box
of ice cream cone for the first time in ages... and only one. You could
cut yourself, hang yourself, smoke, sniff cocaine...)
Hahaha! I can't afford cocaine!
(You could if you sucked the dick of random old people in dark alleys...)
*shivers in disgust*
(... but you don't. You even spend hundreds of dollars on vitamins instead
of free drugs... atidepressants...)
But unlike antidepressants, we need it, they work! Magnesium even makes
(Yes but you're not supposed to know this. Not with all the propaganda pressure,
how much you were ridiculed by doctors and psychiatrists for claiming it
was real physical pain...)
You kept telling me, even when they finally discovered what I have, what
you told me to look into... you told me not to take the medicine, and it
was indeed dangerous once I searched the side effects and contraindications...
Well, I did take that other medicine and almost died...
(Yes... but you listened to me... even in that deadly moment...
And you brought me back to life.
(...you trusted yourself, while the whole world was against your better
judgment and crushed you... You still believed in yourself anyway.)
I trust you with my life... you're the voice of reason, pure wisdom, kindness
itself... the only kindness I've ever got...
(Yes, but it took strength. I don't think you're a coward for walking away
from situations that turned dangerous... Like your fiancé who hit
you, you could have been married and have kids by now... but could have
been beaten everyday and taken it out of your kids... You made the choice...
and I know how much courage it took... because I am a part of you.)
I wish you were another person... so you could be with me...
(I AM with you, I couldn't be even more with you. And with our definition
of a person, that every sentient being is one, for having my own thoughts
and way to think, I am to some extent a different person as you. But if
I had my own separated body and existence, I wouldn't be able to devote
all my energy for your well being, for mine directly depends on it; and
I wouldn't be able to understand you so deeply, for being a part of your
brain and being...)
You're a good person... I don't want to kill you. I have nothing but respect
for you even when I'm angry.
(I know... and even if you think you're not worthy of the same for messing
up... I see you struggle with what you have... manage to stand up and go
get food in a worst state that many people in hospitals... so if you talk
weird, or drop something and startle someone, or look immature because you
work so hard to put a smile and be happy... People might not understand...
your family sure don't... but I do... I respect you, and I am glad to be
stuck with you. If I could choose, I wouldn't choose someone greedy rich,
or some superficial Barbie... We complete each other and fit perfectly.
And that's still something. No matter how much we waged war inside, you
still acknowledged us... you still had the immense courage... to look at
yourself... to try... to improve... to sacrifice... to live on. I couldn't
be more proud even if I had the whole world at my feet. Because my whole
world is you. And I am glad to serve you.)
I'm still lonely and full of sorrows.
(Yes, but I'll help you go through it. Enjoy~)
My only wish as a child was to be as good as you.
(You are... you were all along. I am you~)
I should look harder at what I have gained instead of lost... what I have
instead of what will never be... I just wish the nightmares
(They have. You are awake.)
God I love you. You're right, no matter the past
and future, right now I am safe. I'll let go.
Like you said before,
in 15 minutes, I probably won't even remember...
By the way people, this is called automatic writing or something, and it
allows you to reach deep into your sub-conscious. Try it and let the inspiration
flow unrestrained... you could discover wonders inside you that you never
suspected. Children use imaginary friends, visualization works too. Discover
yourself. You are more than your mistakes and flaws. You are the very essence
of life. A part of you is even god, but use it wisely.
Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013
I started feeling better when I finally dared to take an extra 5000mg of
vitamin C to my usual 4x1000= 4000mg... Even though I snapped and started
eating sugary junk.
But when I bought something with way too much sugar, like a cookie instead
of a croissant... I had this torturous pain in my legs and the worst sleep
I ever had in ages... Well, my mind is still clearer... and of course I
eat my vegetable and chicken soup before (or at least in between) the grains
(didn't have them in ages) I still have lonely nightmares about lost friends...
But I'm slowly accepting my new reality and replacing what I've lost with
My life, objectively, is still worth being put out of my misery... but it's
bearable... I used to be unable to walk, breathe, and feel agony at every
move... I've felt like this again... but it went away... so I'm grateful...
I even finally managed to do my 5 aquariums in one shot. Well, my life could
be worst; I could be forced into prostitution, raped by a violent husband...
But I can't win my own life, people won't keep me employed, I've no strength
or support to handle constant rejection and job loss... even if it became
norm probably to avoid giving raises... I almost faint if I stay up too
long, I can't even go to china town... I'm scared to get out and be assaulted
out of the blue again... I have no energy for this bullshit...
I hate society... I wish I had my own house and yard; I'd be laying in the
grass, growing flowers without crazy people ripping them out... If welfare
is revoked, I'd end up in the streets...
All my family thinks I'm a faker, and even though I have a diagnosis now,
hypoglycemia information is only about "Oh diabetic people take too
much medication." First of all, hypoglycemia comes first, it's seen
in pre-diabetes... it's worst mentally and more dangerous to die quickly
than too much sugar, so people shove toxic too strong cookies down their
throat, which only make the roller coaster more intense...
There is no way an organ can handle that much unnatural sugar, so of course
you don't have enough insulin... but injecting it make people believe that
it's okay to continue eating like that, which poison them even more... and
cause terrible crashes even without insulin...
I don't take any drugs and it's the crashes that make me suffer so much...
It hurts me to see how much science is stubbornly retarded... Because so
many people knows already... all those syndrome of chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia...
it's tired adrenal glands... you can't even use carbs without enough vitamin
We're all starving, even kids, and they're told to suck it up like everybody
else... Well, it only makes them violent. Adults too. I'm sick of it! Well,
I guess I'll go eat some soup...
And I'm fucking tired that Word corrections add mistakes all the time and
making so many myself too T_T
I have new baby fishes, after massive deaths... it really cheered me up...
Lisa Of Shades
21 November 2013
Before I begged a doctor to test me before calling me crazy, and found one
who finally did, and proved that I have 2 chronic diseases (actually adrenal
fatigue and the whole endocrine system follow the fall in hell like a domino
Before that, I was invalid but they blamed my emotions and personality...
saying that my physical health was perfectly fine... I wanted to be a guinea
pig to make some cash to eat something decent... and you have to be healthy...
but they refused me!!!
Seeing that I was so good for nothing that I couldn't even be used as a
lab rat was devastating back then... but now I see that it was actually
a proof that it had nothing to do with my will, personality, worth, emotions...
I WAS REALLY SICK!
There was blood in my urine!!! ALL THE TIME!!! "Oh it's not worrisome"
REALLY!? Nothing says dying kidneys (the adrenals are above) like that...
If that's not scary... then what the hell is!!!
They know stuff is toxic and they add it to our food... then we get cancer
and they say "we don't know why, let's load you with cancer causing
chemicals and see how healthy that makes you." (Chemo cause cancer
in the side effects... along with many things worst than cancer that will
kill you for sure or make your survival a living hell) ARG!
Why the hell the pharmaceutical companies didn't send me a report saying
that I was sick!!! They sure saw it!
Fucking assholes. All of them!
Don't believe anything blindly... even a rat in the gutter will be more
sincere stealing your garbage... than anyone saying sweet words hoping to
extort money from you.
The only way I had to cling to reality, was to stop being an idealist and
Lisa Of Shades
Saved by raw honey
21 November 2013
It’s December and I can’t help dreaming about the friends I
lost and being alone for Christmas. I snapped and started eating junk and
cookies and ice cream. At first it didn’t seem to affect me, but then
I couldn’t move, I was dizzy, I could barely see, I ended up crying
hysterically, and I just wanted to die… It was intense, I didn’t
even care if my stuff got in the trash or my pet starved, I just wanted
to die… but I can’t… It was hell.
Then I went to wash my hairs with honey, because shampoo is awful for my
scalp (itchy and even bloody) and baking soda made my hairs so dry…
I was suffering so much that it really killed my desire for sweets…
I was terrified to take even honey, even though raw, unpasteurized, bio
fancy honey full of enzymes, vitamins and minerals… never bothered
my glucose intolerance, strangely… I guessed that I was doing a detox
from this white powder of hell, and grains… so I didn’t want
to restart this torture from zero… but when I licked my spoon before
washing my hairs with honey, I couldn’t resist and wolfed down a huge
spoon. 3 never hurt me, so the heck…
Immediately after I felt awesome!!! But not berserk like chemical white
powders… I felt calm and serene… which is weird since it’s
sugar… but apparently it’s way more than that, and the other
stuff saved me.
Maybe my brain was inflamed from some corn or wheat and crushed against
my skull, a pain that is really suicide worthy, and since honey has anti-inflammatory
properties, it could have helped. Also it stabilizes blood sugar without
giving a high apparently, you don’t even need insulin to get that
fuel in the cells because the bees digested it for you or something…
So there I was, intensely suicidal from the sheer agony… and after
raw honey I actually feel great. I have a hard time believing that sugar
is good before sleep, but there’s a lot of sites saying that honey,
not commercial mostly corn syrup bear, but real raw honey, is good for sleep.
I even have the super fancy dark buckwheat type, that tastes like molasses,
which I hate, but it was supposed to be the most nutritious… Well,
My life is still suicide worthy… but right now… I don’t
actually care… because I’m way too happy not to be in pain all
over… Well, if it did stop the sugar detox, at least it will be more
smoothly… I never became suicidal from honey, or even yam noodles
from china town… So maybe there was some MSG or something in the cookies…
Anyway… I guess I’ll bear my life sentence a little more easily…
It’s still unbearable… being an outcast for so many reasons,
denied warmth, respect, friendship, love, a job, and even medical care (dismissed
as insane when I had 2 chronic diseases) and even the protection of the
police (dismissed as insane because what have been done to me was unbelievably
mean, but true.)
Well… I’m better off without someone to torture me… I
guess what I wanted is to be able to go out and enjoy myself… I couldn’t
even play… or see properly… I think I’ll at least be able
to go buy myself some food… But I’ll treat myself with plain
bio yogurt this time… bacteria are my friends… at least. I can
count on them as a part of my immune system… After this sheer torture…
I should probably trash the grains and sugar stuff… because…
It was worst than death…
Raw honey, when still alive and not boiled, is sweeter than sweets.
Lisa Of Shades
8 December 2013
Isolation and suicice
Sometimes when you work really really hard in life, the only reward you
get is having your internal organs shut down. When you can’t even
walk or breathe, people call you lazy. And when you call for help, not to
have people do it for you, but to learn how to do it better for yourself,
you’re just called insane. Well, I’M LAZY AND INSANE!!!! Feel
free to help me, but if you bully me, don’t go cry if I snap.
Apparently even 5 years old commit suicide now… 11 years old plan
to kill and rape girls with guns in their school bags, a teen got gang raped,
they put pictures everywhere, and people harassed her calling her a slut…
and the police dismissed it as not having enough evidence… Why should
people be depressed? Duh maybe because of all the bullshit people do, why
don’t you send THEM in psychiatry instead of locking up their victims
instead of the criminals… If people would just stop to do to others
what they don’t want them to do to them… that’d be a good
start. Guns were invented to protect yourself and the people you love and
desire against shit heads, but I guess those have access to guns too. A
kid wanted to die to meet god… his only friend… Religion doesn’t
help people enjoy life… I also saw someone say “Right, I live
in complete isolation but give me drugs and keep me isolated…”
People don’t give a shit about anyone, and they don’t have the
DECENCY to kill the people they hate. Just kill us… burn us alive.
It will be less worst than living a hundred years being completely denied
any dignity and life whatsoever. Apparently being isolated cause physical
symptoms, and lack of communication even prevented the brain development
of babies… and they died… They freaking DIED!!! So, yeah, it’s
not in your head, you’re dying inside, and it’s not poetry,
it’s literally… and if people could stop running from themselves
that’d be a good start in accepting the flaws of others… But
we run away so a few can live in a perfect pink bubble while they walk on
I was full of talent and promise… I tried so freaking hard…
Until I literally broke internally… behavioral therapy and antidepressants
aren’t going to do shit if assault broke your legs… and stress
destroys the adrenal glands… I’ve been trying so hard to rebuild
them and now that I can actually move… all I see is how much I can’t
go out and don’t have friends anyway… Now that I technically
can… and not just enjoying the warmth of my blankets… not having
a job or anyone… why did I fight so hard to survive… Either
way… I’m dead… and no one want to be friend with a morbid
How can I possibly be politically correct when none of the things that ever
been done to me, even by the so called good adjusted people, even by the
people paid to help me, was inhuman… I need dark jokes because if
I keep everything bottled I’ll explode. I need someone who can understand
me… or at least tolerate me… But even the people who had a true
pink life, not just a bubble of denial, can’t be accepted for who
they really are… maybe because we don’t accept what’s
different from us, but how can we when we hate ourselves so much already…
I don’t… I have compassion for what I’ve been through
and the logical outcomes of desperation… But really… A life
without living is worst than being alive… and living hell too. I’ll
live on… even if kids managed to kill themselves hanging from a freezer
door… I guess at least I can count on my survival instinct to protect
me… At least I have that…
Lisa Of Shades
Christmas and wishing I was dead
18 December 2013
I feel even more inadequate with this damn Christmas, rubbing in my face
that I have no family and friends and how much I’m left out…
not just about this one annoying day, but the whole winter… I love
snow and the decorations really make me feel depressed… It’s
supposed to be pure and white, a time of rest, but instead I’m pressure
in a mass hypocrite hysteria that no one actually want. One day a year to
feel good about ignoring each other like garbage… and trying to show
off and crush each other… and feel poor and see how much people know
nothing about our tastes… It’s just plain awkward! I want good
memories… don’t give me money and junk… give me one good
memory to show me that life is worth living and that I am welcome into this
Lisa Of Shades
Tired to wait for Death to come
18 December 2013
Fed up of being alone and isolated. I just want to plain die… Decapitated
by a train… But I’m too scared and it’s cold… I
am too dizzy, all freaking day, to go out anonymously… That’s
the worst part… Even if I had friends, I can’t go out…
and even if I had a great life… I think I’d still feel empty
and longing inside… I had a group of friends, I felt so damn ignored…
I met people, I know people… I’m so tired to be alone…
disliked… It aches inside… Even if I try to say something good,
I get a seizure and then I end up incoherent… or say something stupid
or depressing because the best of my life is just lame and horrid…
All I remember is irritated faces of disdain towards me… All I want
is to die… just plain die… But I’m too lame to do it…
I don’t care about my pets, if there’s nothing after, I wish
I had a time machine and could stop even my birth!!! I don’t even
have money to go out! And I have to reject money because it’s so damn
hypocrite!!! The fake love of my parents, stabbing my heart mocking me as
I ask to be SEEN… telling me to shut up… just a decorative doll
having to silence even the joys… I’M ALREADY DEAD!!! MAKE IT
OFFICIAL AND KILL ME!!! I can’t bear 70 more years of this…
I couldn’t bear it anymore 20 years ago… No more please NO MORE!!!
Everything I struggled for, all my successes, were MEANINGLESS!!! I’m
just a lonely invalid, with no hope, no life… This is the best I ever
had, the best I’ll ever get… and I just want to curl up and
die… So many people have worst, even the ones who have what I think
I should… maybe even especially them… But even if I was a queen…
trapped in a golden castle… I still feel so lonely… and damn
useless, not that I want to be exploited… But no one ever smile at
me… People say they are worried about me… Like the mother was
worried about her child locked in her closet in a pile of her own crap,
she didn’t want her to go away… but they didn’t see her
or hugged her or ever spoke to her… Existing and good intentions aren’t
enough… Especially when you just look away from people’s agony.
It’s worthless. If you’re worried, then ACT and make it better…
You know I suffer… you know that your actions can only cause suffering…
but you just won’t bother at all… You don’t deserve to
be proud to be worried… Just ignore me completely instead to give
me empty bullshit words!!! AND GO AWAY!!! If I stop waiting after a lie…
maybe I could find a true friend… But I don’t… maybe because
they don’t exist, at least not for me. I’m tired to wait for
death in my own filthy emptiness… Everything I have is slowly breaking
away… Working so hard to heal was futile… At best now I know…
now I’m aware enough to see… how much my life isn’t one.
Lisa Of Shades
19 December 2013
Neglect and ignoring the pain may be worst than
hitting your child
I first started this text in my page Folly
of psychiatry, about the fact that even when parents know that
drugging their kids with antidepressants will make them more suicidal,
they’d still rather that than daring to take care of their child’s
pain. As if we’re allowed to cry in need and pain only when we’re
a baby, then we get ignored and mocked. Suicide is a logical reaction
to trying to please someone who want to ignore us…
When you want to ignore the pain, it’s the person
that you ignore, it’s her life that you deny…
Because at that moment her life is pain… And if you deny her the
right to feel and live the only thing that’s on her path…
then her only option is out… of your way… out of life…
In the YouTube video Australia's
Teen Suicide Epidemic the parents KNEW that antidepressants
worsened the suicide impulse, especially the first MONTH, and they poisoned
the poor kid anyway saying that it’s a small side effect and risk.
SMALL!? It’s DEATH, if that’s small then WTF is big!? It was
precisely what they wanted to prevent, so then if it’s small, just
spare the poor kid to be locked up away from her home, family and friends…
in a scary prison place… and drugged… And if you don’t
want her to commit suicide4, then don’t give her drugs that WORSEN
suicide desires!!! There was a tiny chance that it would just shut her
up into a perfect little doll… So they tortured her and pushed her
over the edge, or more likely on the train track, because that’s
where she soon went to DIE. And can you blame her? Treated like this…
Her grandmother said that she didn’t want to hear about suicide
and looked the other way… then “Oh no, if only we knew we
could have done something” FUCK YOU bitch! You didn’t want
to know… you cornered your little girl all alone and scared, abandoned
because she didn’t give you fuzzy sunshine… SHE NEEDED YOU!
And when she saw that you didn’t care, that no one cared that she
suffered… That’s what made life unbearable. Not that silly
boy, not that bad exam, not that few extra pounds or whatever… The
fact that she didn’t feel safe and loved and accepted for who she
was, even with the rain… You denied her the silver lining…
Locked her away and put that burden of her on some stranger’s shoulders…
when just a hug and listening could have made all the difference of the
world… And if she was hypoglycemic… stopping to feed her convenience
food garbage that made her blood spike then crash into the worst torture
I ever had to bear, and I lived worst. I can endure hell itself…
but all alone… ignored… denied the right to be me and not
a mere copy of you, like a soulless doll… even the greatest life
would be unbearable.
Oh it’s not your fault, but the drug’s fault for not working,
or the stranger’s fault because you threw away the responsibility
on someone else for your own child? No. You failed her. By denying her
very feelings, identity, therefore right to exist unless she was exactly
what you wanted… She since she couldn’t, since you wanted
the burden away, locked away, she gave you what you wanted, now she’s
locked into a coffin. At least she finally got what she wanted, she died
free, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now, she doesn’t
suffer anymore. I guess she could have waited until she was 18 and get
the hell out and control her own life, ignoring you like you did…
for choosing the other option, I guess… that’s how much she
If you want to help someone be happier, then stop giving her shit, stop
denying her bad feelings and give her warmth, love and understanding...
Give her support yourself!!! Don't drug lock the poor kid away because
she's not a giggling baby anymore, and babies cry way louder... for help...
nurturing... good food... not being abandoned in their filth or to predators...
but you looked the other way... How could you know... yeah, without even
How could you do this to her.
Apparently talking about being depressed is taboo, suicide is taboo…
It’s much more convenient to let your kid agonize and have death
as only option since you won’t protect them and won’t even
give them the comfort of being acknowledged into existence. You can’t
have the cake, eat it too, and ignore the kid while he cut his throat
with the knife, and not have him die… You preferred to ignore a
tear, and now there’s nothing left to ignore… because your
child is dead.
In theYouTube video Toxic
People: How to End a Bad Relationship Say that if someone make
you feel bad in any way, then trash them! Not just if the person threatens
you or harm you, if they make you feel depressed. Then what about giving
empathy to people who feel depressed? In society, to think about our own
happiness, we’re more than encouraged not to bother with people
in pain and just ignore them and walk away. Leave it to the professionals
who want to drug them and lock them up like milk cows while forcing drugs
down their throat, drilling into their brain, and then claim that you
shouldn’t take illegal drugs!!!? Fucked up shit.
Ironically, she also made suicide video: How
to Help Someone Who is Suicidal
Those Considering Suicide She says that we're appreciated more
than we know, then why don't they bother telling us, seeing us, listening
to us!!! Oh yeah that's some appreciation, being one more number on facebook
to boost someone’s self esteem, having 600 friends but never doing
any activities with them. She refers to a disease, and probably mean mental
illness, but thyroid and pancreas problems can cause severe depression
from the agony. I know, I have both.
They often say to turn to family, friends... I have none, they mock me
and ignore me. Who’d want to be friend with an invalid or crazy
person... Each other? I can hardly bear my own agony. I don’t even
want someone to listen to my pains, I just want someone to share my joys.
I don’t have that… feeling sad about it isn’t a disease…
anxiety is more than natural from being bullied and despise every time
I open my mouth to share little life I have, which is garbage and looked
down on by others… Pills won’t give me a job, a family, friends,
a lover… Pills will just give me side effects, damage kidneys and
brains… Denying reality so I can be normal, like all those other
people who deny my very existence in all aspects then claim to love me…
that’s just sick. The day people will accept that life isn’t
just about kittens and sunshine… the day we’ll be allowed
to reply “bad” when someone ask how we are doing… maybe
kids will suicide less. And if we don’t let companies prey on them
and put pressure on them like crazy, at least stop as a parent, then maybe
they’ll be able to stand proud, and not just try to make you proud
with impossible expectations that you couldn’t fulfill yourself,
but somehow think that your kid should do better than you ever could to
boost your self esteem, while destroying theirs.
If we could just bother to cook the kids real food so their body and brain
can function without needing sheer will power to overcome the constant
exhaustion and pain… Then maybe there’d be less suicide. But
the world is over populated; I don’t think small tribes killed themselves,
not out of loneliness and feeling useless to the society.
The social medias are just more ways to put walls between people and avoid
actually talking with them, and doing activities with them, and connecting
on a deeper level, a level that is scary and hurts… but that we
fundamentally need to live. Babies denied communication and senses like
a gentle touch couldn’t develop their brains and died…
The only thing crazy isn’t people committing suicide, but a society
that makes people with they were dead. People starve in the streets all
alone in the cold… don’t you think they asked for help…
no one answered… or gave too little. Oh there are too long lists
for psychiatric care? Almost everyone have a family that’s supposed
to do the job!!! It’s like expecting even the middle and lower class
to be able to afford a nurse to feed their baby, DO YOUR JOB AS A PARENT!!!
Your kid isn’t some toy or object to look good to the neighbors,
or game characters to accomplish your life goals while you sit on your
ass doing crappy things. Accomplish yourself or give the freaking kid
a break! The morale of the story is that if you don’t want to bother
when your baby cry… THEN GET A FUCKING ABORTION!!! Or even better,
DON’T FUCK EVER!
Save that time and energy to accomplish your goals yourself. Maybe then
you'll put less pressure and more real love, and by that I mean nurturing
even when it’s not funny. Neglect is maybe worst than beating the
kid. At least then they’d get some real human contact… Well,
there’s worst… I try to find comfort in that.
Be careful what you wish for and what you do. Good
intentions isn’t enough. Take ACTION… YOURSELF!!! If you want
something done right, do it yourself… Even, and especially, love
Lisa Of Shades
19 December 2013
It didn't get better, it got worst, and if this
is better, may death come quickly.
I feel deeply and utterly miserable. I got my wish to play among people
granted, only to see my own madness, brain damage, and inadequacy…
and notice my loneliness even more deeply… I wish I was dead…
I’m scared to go… but I sure as hell wish I was never born…
Denied warmth, communication, to be even looked at… even from my own
lovers… I want to die… They say that it will get better if you
hold on… If this is better… living like a granny waiting for
death… then may death come quickly.
I can't even look for help... I was mocked, rejected and denied even in
psychiatry, told that I have no quality and that no one will ever want me
even in therapy… when I questioned the diagnostic, even though she
told me that my logic about not having the list of symptoms was right. I
almost died from medicine… you can’t drug away a broken heart,
that the methods of junkies and pushers and it’s illegal to enslave
and prey on the weak… but I think it’s illegal because the government
want to get the money with big Pharma. No one gives a shit… and I’m
so jaded… right now I don’t… I’m too tired…
I just want to die… I tried to help a friend, but really, I need help
way more than she ever will, with her big job, house and lover… I
was exploited without pay, sexually harassed, I got even threatened to be
punched with a fist in my face… and that’s just the job part…
some people have it all, yet they still cry everyday… Then…
I really should die…
Videos I saw about suicide say that people will miss me, that they care…
they refuse to see me, what difference does it make!!! I could be dead and
it’d take months or maybe even years, or maybe they’d never
know and still send me a birthday card 10 years after my death… And
I’m supposed to feel cared about!!!? Knowing this atrocity!??? My
family NEVER sees me!!! If at least they told me that they hate me and want
nothing to do with me, because my birth was an accident and they never wanted
me (actually they told me the last part) then I could just move on…
but pretending they love me to give me mockery and contempt when I plea
to see them… to be cared about, comforted… heck just to see
them… just to be looked at 2 seconds and not just take for granted
that I’m alive and okay because they’re too “busy”
not giving a shit, and can’t be bothered, because they don’t
I just want someone to smile at me... without trying to rape me, without
mocking who I am... it would make all the difference of the world.
I don’t want to be rich, or have a perfect body, or the best boyfriend
there 24/7… I just want someone to smile with me… at least once
in a while…
I would really enjoy that right now...
Lisa Of Shades
Being trapped in my own body
19 December 2013
The irony of my life is that even death doesn't kill me, so I can't actually
commit suicide, even though I have no friends, no family, no job, no lover...
but at least I have a home.
I almost died several time and I saw my survival instinct fight with a beautiful
strength; I doubt that the people who looked down on me posses even half
of it... but I wish I had enough strength to go out without being dizzy
and close to faint all the time...
I realized a long dream, found geeks to meet, played board games unplugged
like I wanted in so desperately long... but it only showed me how inadequate
I am, how poor, how much I'm missing in life... and the disdain in people's
face, the subtle rejection even though I did my best to smile... I was dizzy
at times, it was hard to be coherent, and since my life is a disaster, even
the best part of it inspired disgust... I had nothing to share... I wished
to die before due to loneliness... and now with the shame of my existence,
I wish I was never born.
Even a psychiatrist told me that no one will ever want me, not even in therapy,
and that I probably have a quality somehow, but that she couldn't find me
People don't want to die because they want to cry... people want to die
because they have no one to smile with. Being forced to smile when you need
to cry is what pushes people over the edge... It builds up inside without
hope to be expressed... of course we mustn't dwell in self pity... but we
need balance, and sometimes we need to know that someone still want to be
with us even when we are in pain...
The only thing I crave for enough to die is to share a smile... to feel
I tried to meet people with mental problems... but I got harassed sexually,
people took drugs and others, they didn't respect each other, one tried
to steal the girlfriend of his best friend, in his face! Despair can make
people act very ugly sometimes... I probably do too... but I didn't feel
safe... I am poor, but dignity is free. I can choose to put my money in
healthy food that will give my body a chance with some very needed strength
and materials... or I can use that money to mess up my brain even more trying
I understand the urge to flee... the agony that rips you apart, body and
soul... I can't escape from my own body... but at least I can avoid damaging
it even more...
Magnesium helped me greatly, among with others, like vitamin C... but even
the best food, best supplements and detox greens of the world... can't stop
someone completely isolated from being lonely...
I used to bear it so well... but now that I'm actually able to leave my
bed... I see that my life is empty... even my friends don't want to see
me... oh they so care that they don't even want to talk with me, but they
worry for me??? Letting me die all alone, of course they should be worried...
but if they are, then why won't they see me... and if they want to know
nothing about me, then cut the crap and don't email me "oh if only
I knew..." I told them, they said no... then after they give me the
"oh I so care" crap... like my mother who didn't see me in more
than a decade but she sooo loooves me... sending a card twice a year doesn't
make someone a mother, and certainly not a good one... It’s the first
Christmas that I spend without even this little lie... I threw them out
of my life when they told me that I deserve to suffer... when I explained
them that all my mental symptoms were the result of vital organs disease,
not in my head, not laziness, bad personality or other... but I am really
sick! Beyond my control and my will... It would be like asking someone without
leg to find the will to walk... It's disgusting.
Antidepressants cause depression, why the hell are they even legal!? Because
they cause hypoglycemia and it cause depression, most likely is the problem
in the first place. It can also cause bipolar (from sugar highs then crashes
from refine foods) and even schizophrenia (because you can't think straight
while your brain is fuel deprived, half asleep, about to faint, fall in
a coma and die...) and guess what... antidepressants cause schizophrenia!
And worsen suicide ideation... because there's no worst torture than not
having enough fuel or oxygen to the brain... Except maybe being electrocuted,
burned... or be told that our personality, what makes us who we are, our
very identity... is a disease... locked away when we did nothing wrong...
like criminals for needing a hug... for being human... for being still alive...
And then people wonder... why we're depressed, why people commit suicide...
Why don't they invent pill to make heartless people care, to make criminals
feel shame and guilt so they won't traumatize people for life ever again,
why don't they put friendship, families, jobs in a pill!!!?
I was even denied the protection of the police because I was told that people
couldn't possibly have been this cruel with me, I HAD to be on drugs, or
I HAD to be crazy and inventing things... the worst is that once I convinced
the cop, he told me that I should smoke pot, that it would calm me down.
I was calm, I just called to have information about my duty as a citizen
to protect his next victim... I let the rage symptom of hypoglycemia out,
and he ran away before I had the time to do more than show my teeth! But
he still hurt me... yet I'm grateful to myself that it didn't get worst.
I almost registered in another site, they had the rule that we absolutely
HAD to be on medication, even though it's been proven time and time again
to worsen symptoms, and even cause sudden death... and we had to work or
volunteer... The people who had a job and could volunteer didn't need to
make friends, they had opportunities!!! But it was denied to the people
deep in hell trying to claw out of their bed.
Before I started taking vitamin C, and lots of it, and others... B complex
for energy, and Celtic sea salt for trace minerals and being able to keep
water in my veins and have a decent blood pressure... and Kelp for natural
usable iodine for my thyroid... We don't need drugs we need food!!! I wasn't
able to eat much, so vitamins were a great help. I want to scream it on
roofs for all the useless suffering that doctors worshipping chemicals inflicted
on me!!! Usually I'm happy... but there's so much loneliness I can bear...
I was so weak that I had to hold to the furniture to reach the bathroom,
I was so weak I had to put my head against the refrigerator to be able to
stand up long enough to make myself food... I couldn't sit because I couldn't
hold my own head and the weight made it harder to breathe... It was hell...
But the worst was being told that I was lazy, to do exercise and that it
will fix everything... to take mood enhancers as if it would make fainting
in the middle of the street less life threatening and worry worthy...
It's false care... both from doctors who are clueless and people who claim
to love you, but demand that you give them a perfect happy little doll to
avoid inconveniencing them... that's the true torture... having to serve
people wants and whims when we're the one in need...
Having to pretend, suffocating behind a mask of perfection that no one can
reach... I understand with my enemies, weak preys are the easiest... but
with my friends, with my family... and even if I do play the happy-happy-happy
game... to be rejected anyway...
I'm lonely... but I don't want to sell my body for affection... to be a
sperm toilet... wrecking my poor endocrine system even more with the pill,
like throwing a bowling ball in my already fragile hormones... risking to
get pregnant, when I can't even fe3ed myself even less to build an entire
whole new body... or get aborted, probed and my inside scraped by strangers
when I can't even bear the idea to be touched by a loved one if I ever meet
someone and like them... All the horrors that happened in my life were linked
I had to quit my career because I was harassed sexually and they refused
to pay me too, pretending to have work for me and making me work for nothing
to have an excuse to call and harass me... I wanted to die as a little girl
because my bully took it one step further and the cops said that I lied
to get attention... either way if I needed attention my mother should have
woke up... But she had me to force my father to stay and not leave her for
another, it didn't work a 3rd time... so I was a failure to her before I
was even born and I never could do anything to change that... because all
she wanted was to be pampered by someone... I was sick, all the time...
now I know it was from malnutrition... she never took me anywhere... and
the rare times she did, she gave me utter hatred that I was an embarrassment
and a shame... but you can't abandon a child in front of a TV, in a room
not much bigger than a closet, and then expect her to be well adjusted.
I wish I had asperger syndrome... aspie people seem awesome. It would explain
how I am, and what I've been through. Maybe I'm just an introvert...
I can't be politically correct... I don't know how, it bores me... I don't
want to be shamed to talk about what I was born with... I have thick glasses;
I'm half blind with -10/20 which is severe. I feel lucky to be able to see
and I treasure it. But it's a fact, if I remove my glasses, I'm half blind.
Why should I be ashamed? Why should I be bullied? It's not a choice. I tried
wearing contacts but my pupil couldn't breathe through something so tick
and veins grew, I could have become completely blind! I stopped wearing
make up because the chemical stuff to clean it burned my cornea and damaged
my vision, thankfully it healed but it wasn't worth it...
The world is over populated... I wish they could have the mercy of killing
the people they don't want instead of denying them a job, friends, family,
dignity, even a home and food... letting them die slowly... or at least
provide people with a suicide kit... At least there's welfare, but only
because they fear that we'd eat their cat if they let us starve too much...
I worked so hard to have skills, among the best in school... but I was denied
the school service to help me find a job saying that no one would ever want
me because I don't allow myself to make mistakes... to go do a therapy...
It wasn't up to them to judge!!! How am I supposed to improve myself? Screw
up on purpose!???
How can I not be desperate to be perfect when even if I am, at the peril
of my health, I get rejected for the stupidest reason!!! I crashed... for
months I couldn't move... It felt like an axe in my legs... Will power alone
was holding me together... hope... What was I supposed to hope for after
seeing that even perfection was rejected and mocked...
They tell kids not to give up school... but why not... why the hell not...
when they, more clever than I was... notice that no matter what they achieve,
no one will ever want them, no one will give them a chance and appreciate
what they have to offer... because of how they look or their personality,
because of things that they can't even torture themselves to hide... I worked
so hard... and it didn't make a freaking difference... I was paid less,
exploited more... that's all I got...
I shut down my internal organs...
I lost my life even if I didn't die...
In a way... I was never born... because if you are born unwanted and without
love, your life can't really start... because we can't do it all alone...
I see people with great jobs, families, friends, a house... everything I
believe I must have to have the right to be happy... But they're even more
miserable than I am... Maybe they have more reason to be exhausted...
I wish I could add my voice to the few about real health... that it starts
with how you nurture and nourish your body... that any stress is exactly
the same to your adrenal glands, physical or mental, that it's a PHYSICAL
damage even if it's a psychological attack... I'd rather be slapped in the
face than told that my personality is a disease... I'd rather be killed
than abandoned by a loved one... I'd rather die than live a life all alone...
But I am trapped in my own body... in this life that was forced on me...
by people who never wanted it... I would have preferred the kindness of
an abortion... then be brought into life with hatred and rejection.
But I would rather be all alone... even trapped in a coffin... than be denied
the right... the freedom... to be who I am, to feel what I feel... and to
speak out the only reality that I have. Yes, it's depressing... But I have
to endure all the depth of the pain 24/7... how dare people look at me as
a defective pile of crap... instead of my strength and courage...
Normal people wouldn't last a second if we switched life out of the blue!
That's why they can't even bear to listen...
But maybe we can to each other... but I have so much trouble bearing my
own stuff... that I'm not sure I can take more pain into my heart...
I guess in this individualistic materialistic society... everyone feel unsafe,
isolated and lonely... even with a group of friends, even married... no
one take the time to truly look at them, to truly listen... to smile and
appreciate the mere fact that they're there... taking for granted that they
are... lost in their own issues, even when trivial... having to rely on
our own... all alone... even in an ocean of faces... (what dreams may come,
Maybe some people want to help, they often suggest volunteering to feel
less lonely... so they're in fact trying to help themselves... I was offered
help as long as I was crying and compliant... if I was angry and wanted
to revolt against what was done to me and defend myself, I was labeled a
monster and pushed out...
It’s this desire for absolute pink bubbles that makes absolutely everyone
feel miserable and left out... Because life isn't like that... There's rain,
and rainbows would never happen without it, or the silver lining of clouds...
What I want isn't someone to solve my problems, I can do it myself... what
I need is someone to give me the right to live... not just if I'm freaking
happy, giving them sex (won't ever happen), or something like that... to
accept my existence with both sides, the bad too... If you deny me one,
you deny the whole, you deny me, you deny my right to exist... and the right
to live. Because life is half darkness half light.
I want darkness. It's soothing. My eyes are light sensitive.
I want to laugh in the dark.
Lisa Of Shades
19 December 2013