Bananapoop ~ The "How to be less stupid" tutorial ~ This is not a banana tree!




Uncommon sense ~ How to suicide ~ My venting


Writing is my favorite coping mechanism, so I think I'll save myself some space, to cut short the Verify the goal page... I don't expect people to read me, and certainly not this page... But my site is there for me to express myself uncensored and unstopped... So I'll make my voice echo into the world, even if it falls into oblivion.

Who knows~ Maybe it can entertain and cheer someone up. Yup, there's always worst off than you, and more screwed up too! Hey if I survived death and crawled my way out of hell, so can you, no matter how painful are the choices... when you can only choose the lesser of two evil. The easiest way often turn out to be the most painful, and the most agonizing often turns out to be liberating.

Sometimes to get what you want, you have to give it up and embrace what you need. Probably all the time.

Enjoy~ But I'm writing it for my own relief, sanity preservation and enjoyment...


I wrote this after The reasons 6. They made a mistake:

People who can’t stand my humor don’t know what they’re missing. If a loved one killed himself, especially this way… I read that suicide is a worst tragedy than dying of old age, cancer or an accident. I don’t think so. Rejoice, because unlike all those other deaths, it was on his/her terms, it was by wish and will, and no matter how limited was the knowledge, intelligence, coping skills, or awareness under booze or drugs… It was done with free will. Perhaps there’s no better way to die… but wishing to die is the worst way to live. You don’t have to die to stop those thoughts though… just do something to keep your mind busy on something else, even if it’s pointless or worthless and only you can enjoy it… Like my website. Not being allowed to speak my mind (and even FEEL!) unless it's in accordance to what people think, like and want to hear makes me wish I was dead... But this is my way to say... I still exist into this world, whether you like it or not... Just come and kill me if you don't like it, it will be more merciful than refusing to allow me to be me, to deny me a job, a family, friend, love, medical care, police protection... claiming that I'm defective, a disease itself, a monster, a demon... just for living what reality put on my path and made me into... Just get it over with, with the bullying, the exploitation, the abuse, the deceit, the oppressive unrealistic demands... and kill me. But otherwise I'll keep talking. Even if in the end it's all I have. Even if it's just an echo in the void... My falling tree will still make sound even if there's no one to hear its fall. I'll be more alive this way that if I pretend to be what I'm not! I tried until my very internal organs shattered and almost died from exhaustion... and when I have actually succeeded, people only made it worst. To crush more blood to drink out of me… Well, I’m dried now. I’ve known death and I’ve known hell… and the only thing that was real in all this, the only thing worth living, the only thing truly precious and worth fighting for… was me. I guess it'd be sad to kill myself now... but I can't live either... Might as well not want what I can't have... or cherish the best I can what I have left... Even if it's a shadow. Even if I have to sell my soul to the devil for protection and end up psychotic to make people stop, or be utterly alone... The only thing I can do is make the best of it and protect myself... The lesser of two evil, but my body made the choice for me... I'm too tired to fight with myself. After all, all along, it's the only person who cared. My parents both told me that I was born by mistake... this life is still mine and mine alone! I'm not going to rectify their mistakes by killing myself, I'm going to make my owns! Even if every breaths make me feel regret... loneliness… rejection… the least I can do is accept myself and be there for myself. I don't have the energy to kill, and there are so many other people who should die before I do... If they have the right to live, all proud as they hurt others for their own satisfaction, then so do I as I mind my own business. Leave me the hell alone. The price to have the damn peace. So be it. I can't help but long for a better life, but don't we all... I struggle so hard just to be able to gain the basics back, and I did... so I should rejoice and stop comparing myself to others... I could be in a wheelchair or mental institution poked with needles all day long... But the best choice I have gives me so much grief... There are so much worst horrors in the world... but it's also why I wish to leave it... I wish I had my own land and be able to go get fresh air without ending up some jerk who'll ruin my day, body or garden... But back when we had that, lords came to burn our home and rape the women... Human are such assholes... the whole principle of life is… Having to absorb the cells of another to prolong our life… The whole process is sad… There’s connections, helping each other out… and many strangers that I never met helps me… But I still feel devastated, lonely, to not even be able to try and fail miserably anymore… To struggle for dreams that people won’t allow me even if I succeed… to struggle just to stay awake… and yet to be unable to sleep… My hell can be heaven if I wish to look at it this way… but I guess… for a little while… I’ll contemplate my reality… and mourn what I cannot have… as my body cries for company… as a tribal creature… abandoned into the cold… yet fed… I wish I was eaten by wolves… and live on in nature… but my existence… is a dead end. I guess I'm still entitled to enjoy it... *~sigh* And so do you. Unless you're one of the rare who win against your own body and succeed to loose your life... You might as well stay alive and enjoy being a loser. The world won't change... but you can choose what you look at, then your world will change. We don’t need to die to let go… and we can nurture ourselves back to life… Since I cannot die… I guess I’ll go take care of my body… Maybe you can try that... even criminals are entitled to one last good meal before their execution... Sometimes it’s all that it takes to perk myself up.


I first wrote this at the end of Statistics:

I know so much physical pain, events and people that are worst than death, but I can't die... and I cannot have a life either... invalid, unwanted, abandoned, turned to seclusion to protect myself from abuse... I'm the ultimate outcast. I'm asexual, by health problems and choice; I don't want to be a free whole to have false affection. I worked hard to be the best in my career, but I was rejected for my personality. When I finally got a physical diagnostic of hypoglycemia and low thyroid that explained my exhaustion, depression and other psychological issues, I tried to have the label removed, but the psychiatrist mocked me saying that I have a personality disorder anyway, that she can't find me any qualities and that no one will ever want me, not even in therapy... I read often to call for help... yeah right. Well, antidepressants are actually insulin, and hypoglycemia can give you a very painful and depressing life, and kill you. So antidepressants are probably more effective than sleeping pills to commit suicide. But to make you happy, it's a freaking scam. They cause depression! You'd be better off with illegal pushers, I saw people actually laugh on those and they give you a better chance to die with less pain. But they gave me problems, and junkies can be desperate for drugs and be the most unreliable backstabbing "friends". I'm already a slave of breathing, eating, sleeping and shit... I don't want an extra need! I don't recommend it. Unless you want to throw everything away and die. But nothing is ever pain free. Things pretending to be free are often the worst. Flowers are okay though. Smell the roses.

I read people saying that it's a lack of will power... I worked 100h a week until I couldn't walk anymore... I have more will power than humanly possible!!! That's why I got adrenal fatigue! Lazy people don't get burned out! But I still wasn't paid for my efforts; I didn't have enough to eat... I was even mocked... The world that people made is a sick place, no good deed goes unpunished. I understand too much... the wish to nothingness, it's not true that "it's better than nothing"... But I turned my back on the hypocrisies of the world, the world turned its back on me, and I walked away from it. You don't need to kill yourself to vanish, get rid of something, or even die inside... I wish I could sleep forever, but when I sleep I can't control my nightmares... haunted by memories and fears. It's my body trying to shock me awake me as a slip in a hypoglycemic coma... but why won't you just let me die... I am the humble driver of the collective of independent cells that is my body; my will is little before them... Yet they protect me... I am never alone, with so many different parts of me, yet I am so utterly alone... I can't even speak my mind online without being banned, for an opinion that doesn't bully anyone, just because someone doesn't agree and deny me the right to exist, or because I feel pain and they want to get rid of anything that prevent them for enjoying a pink bubble... Hypocrisies never made reality better, but it made people in pain feel like criminals for living reality, wrong for having natural human emotions, rain isn't evil... But I can't even allow it... I end up spitting blood when I do... I was told by a nurse that it could be my brain bleeding from the pressure... Lacking vitamin C, burned in time of stress, can make blood vessel fragile, and it could pop in my brain and kill me... So my body won't even allow me to cry... But it's a waste of energy anyway... I was a unwanted baby, it's useless for me, no one will come to protect me... I have to do it myself. But I'm not a baby anymore, now I can protect myself... and punch people in the throat.

Everyone long to connect, but no one wants to make the effort to do it... and people made me regret doing it... oh so deeply. You can actually physically die from stress, cruelty and abuse... if the adrenal glands that handle stress are too exhausted, you can't even walk or breathe anymore... That was my reward...

Yes indeed, there is far worst than death... but unfortunately, dying is.

I am doomed to contemplate the flow of time like an immortal until my time finally comes. Well, at least I have animes and videogames to help me pass the time. *sigh~* It's not enough, but at least it's something. Even criminals aren't isolated in jails. This utter loneliness is the lesser of two evils. But maybe this hell... is the best paradise that I can hope for. So I guess I'll take it.

I can't escape... so I'll make the best of it...

Feel free to try suicide though, your life belongs to you and you can screw it up as much as you'd like. May you have fun in whatever you choose to try, even if you succeed miserably, or fail in glory. Yeah life is weird.

Enjoy~


I wish people hated me for my flaws


If only people rejected me for being a creep, but I hide it!!! I put on a brave cheerful smile and hide how much I want to kill and eat everything that moves... Ironically people think that I'm a push over and try to abuse me... thinking I'm approachable. I told someone once "Yes, to talk, not to shove your dick up my ass!!!" Dumb people.

I got bullied for wearing glasses, being bad at sport. Yeah as if being sick and almost blind wasn't hard enough... way to kick a dead horse, oh you're very brave and strooong. Wait until you see what I look like hungry and angry, hypoglycemia can cause such a severe rage... I didn't understand, I didn't know... I had to live with that, mocked and bullied even by the people pretending to be there to help me... calling me a disease... harassing me to drug me into oblivion, as if you could force happiness on someone who's assaulted, beaten and abused... I was smiling, I was laughing!!! But I was exhausted and physically sick...

Maybe people would actually like me more as a demon, they actually did... I wasn't banned for gore jokes... I was banned for asking for help and saying my own opinion or talking about what others put me through...

They wanted to reject the pain so they rejected the person suffering instead to do anything about it... and when they pretend to be willing to... they use force... we don't need drugs, we need kindness and real food!!!

I don't have taboos even if talking about depressing stuff drains me and I can't do it long... People who just want to shit on others and not do anything about their problems don't deserve to be helped because they don't want to help themselves...

I don't know why I'm so rejected... maybe we all are... we all are... I'm just too sick and tired to jump through all those circles in fire anymore... Painting my face with toxic chemicals, wearing shoes that would crush my bones and deform my feet... wtf people... wtf... No one wants this shit, and those who do should be shot!

I can handle being rejected and hated if I do something stupid... if I fail... I had the hope to improve myself... But when I saw that I was rejected for trying too hard, for being a perfectionist, for being kind at all cost... I lost all hope and wanted to die...

Until I turned evil... I respect myself so now people better do!

Even therapists are terrified of me. Crying people, that makes them feel good, superior and in control... But someone who's angry and won't take shit from anyone anymore... oh I'm a monsteeer...

If I have to sell my soul to the devil to be safe, to stop being dragged by the hairs, grope by force, beaten... then hell, forget the cash and fame, just protect me. No flame can be more torturous than what people put me through... those moments felt worst and longer than eternity.

I will kill instead to die... that's just how my body is... I guess being a recluse is a lesser evil... but it takes a strong mind to fight against your very needs... to accept that you can't have them... I often owl softly like a lonely wolf... out of the blue...

I have a deep compassion for myself... for what I have to do... getting rid of everyone and everything... because I didn't have to suicide... they were stressing me out so much that I was literally dying...

I've been assaulted 4 times in one day once; the police refused to believe me and accused me to be a junkie or a mad person... I couldn't believe it myself... I actually joked saying that I broke my record... but then my body broke... but what truly hurt me wasn't the retards wanting me and trying to take me without my permission... it was my friends telling me that I deserve it, others walking away after claiming everyday to be my protector when I never asked for it but was stupid enough to believe them... It wasn't forced desires... but denied compassion... that truly devastated me... I had to give up all those false friends... after it took so much out of me to find them...

And then... in spite of al my jokes, all my efforts to rejoice and enjoy...

I couldn't walk anymore... I couldn't breathe anymore...

I wasn't depressed, I wasn't anxious... I was dying.

From psychological stress, which takes just as much energy from the body and adrenal glands as anything physical... and my vital organs just shut down under the strain...

I was dying...

They prescribed me chemical hormones, just a simple cream, because my gut ripped and I was shitting blood... the hydrocortisone replaced my adrenals, weakened them even more... and I saw death like never before... from their "help"... acute adrenal crisis is a known side effect... yet they continue to give it anyway... Vitamin C and a B complex allow your body to make your own and make the adrenal stronger in the process... But the healing profession rejects this for profit... Because it’s made by nature and you can't patent it... Chemicals made from man aren't above it, unless you only care about the profits at the peril of people's lives...

I don't want to live in a world like this...

I see people suffer. or I see people having what I can't ever have wherever I go... and that's when I can stand up long enough to go out...

I'm sick of being sick...

But I can't die...

Maybe I should buy ice cream and fall into a diabetic coma...

I'm fed up, yet starving...

I can't stand all those lies, preying on each other... fucking ads...

Insanity... means that you saw reality.

It's so ironic that people living in denial, in a pink bubble, oblivious to who they are, think they're the sane ones.

Everyone is fucked up, everyone suffers, no one deserves to live, except trees. And bumblebee. God I hope I'll be a jelly fish or something in my next life... Well, at least we'll all die in the process of destroying everything around us and inside out. Maybe the sun will explode someday. I feel sorry for the trees...

We all should just die by cutting our gut open and shoving a handful of tree seeds in there. That sure would make the world a much better place.

Enjoy~


Well, maybe people will see how annoying, unlovable, pointless and futile it is to complain to others reading me whine... Do it in a file or something... But don't smile to please people... or to hide, there's nothing to be ashamed about... smile for you... to take a break from the crap.

The shit is here to stay, there's nothing denial or a bomb can do about it. But you can still walk away.

Enjoy~


I lost my tiny place in the world

I think I'm depressed because I'm leaving yahoo, they keep deleting my posts even though they wrote that they were good... It's worst and more demoralizing than being banned... I never thought something could be.

Many posted links only, copy and pasting them... but I'm the one who get kicked in the teeth, for posting links to this site, which I made because what I had to say was too long. What am I supposed to say now? Google it for 10 years and read several books because the reply space is too small and I'm not allowed an external space, even though the rules allow it... I can't list my thousands of sources... There's so many false information, especially about hypoglycemia (like doctors saying to eat candy... hell it's the CAUSE!) I had to make my own resume...

Yahoo was my only way to be into the world... I can't go in forums... I make friends, I'm loved... them some power hungry shit head don't like me, take my stuff out of context, twist it into something completely different, and ban me for it... Making me loose all my friends and my virtual home because he doesn't like me or agree with me, even though we never spoke!!! It happens in group face to face too... one person in the group hate me and turn people against me, or assault me and I have to avoid everyone to avoid more assaults... Or the friends I have now... too tired all the time. They even told me that I have to understand that they have things they like to do and I'm mean to try to take them away from that... WHAT!? I wasn't asking for anything, I offered friendship, they said yes... I expect to share happiness together and now I'm a monster trying to take them away from what they love!!!??? I wanted to share joy, not to claw it out of them!? WTF do they think I am! It's really looking at me like a piece of shit to tell me that spending time with me would take them away from enjoyable things... instead to see me as an enjoyment too and a nice change... Hell that's fucking mean! I offered, they said yes... There's always one shit or the other... I don't want to follow and spend money on shit that I hate, I'd like it to be my turn to choose sometimes to, but it never is... I have to shut up and follow like a dog... Or people call me when they want to pour their shit on someone, then mock me when I'm the one in need, and ignore me when they have fun... Someone complained to me, and I let him know that I understand by sharing a similar story, then he laughed, mocked me with utter despise, looking down on me... I said "You freaking idiot, we could have helped each other and cared for each other, but you chose to see it as an opportunity to attack me, guess what, you're mocking me for being exactly like you, you moron! Get the fuck out of my life!!!"

I can make my own fun... but still I long for kinship... But I'm very unique... Too sane to be among fucked up people, and too fucked up to be among normal people. Too clever to be among both, and too poor to be with clever people... Ah~ Joy~ Being sarcastic does make me feel better...

I feel bad about the incoming Christmas... It’s a family time... I can't have children, I’m too sick and I won’t let you people torture and bully my children… The greatest proof of love will be to not let them be born in a world like this. My family only send me cash to buy themselves good consciousness to let me rot completely ignored... they even told me that I deserve to suffer when I tried to tell them how hard I work even if I don't get paid for what I do... They keep saying to do exercise, to do walks... I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP!!! I trashed them all, but the damn mail service didn't do the job... or my mother moved and never told me... either way I dread getting their hypocritical piece of paper... I called them to thank them every year... But when they mocked my suffering and let me die... I woke up... I hated them so much that I couldn't find the strength to do a fake happy voice... I sent them a card... and when I saw how easy it was... how meaningless... how heartless... I saw that their money wasn't love... I let go and walked away... but they keep coming back!!! I pretended to have moved... either way Christmas will feel depressing... A family that I hate that send me annoying paper crap, buying me like a cheap whore... not even good enough to whip my ass with... or being lonely without news and only dreams of a decent family...

I trashed my father after a doctor finally passed the tests I asked for and found out I was really sick... Thyroid problems can cause low energy and depression... He complains about them all the time... how tired he is... how much life is hard... And I shut up lovingly, when he's rich and goes travel in the south and all over the place... and HE complain to ME when I didn't even have enough to eat... I had to go to food banks to get rotten food, which tasted like hold people rubbed their crotch on them... even though I worked 100h a week for months but wasn't paid! He can't even send me 20$ for my birthday so I won't regret being born so much... But he complains about his fucking thyroid... and when I told him that I have the same, he said "No, you're just a hypochondriac." I replied "Damn, father, I told you that the DOCTORS found it!!! I have the paper with me!!!" As if he was the only one who could feel pain, exclusive to him... complaining while people suffer hell itself... When I couldn't walk I had to hold on to the furniture to reach the toilet, and to put my head against the refrigerator to be able to stand up and make myself food! I didn't have a spouse to pamper me or trips in the south!!! You fucking heartless asshole. You don't even deserve to be kicked by an axe to be put out of your misery, you bastard!

I hate my family... with the utter passion of the hell they put me through mentally and physically. My fat mother mocked me and demanded me to become anorexic... But all she bought as food was chips and junk... I never saw a vegetable... I can't tolerate grains but she was forcing me to eat white bread... I was crying and getting diarrhea everyday and she was calling me insane, threatening me to lock me up in a mental hospital, to throw me in the snow for Christmas... I hate that bitch, she's worst than cancer... and anyone with a heart would become insane, all her kids did...

Loneliness is better *whispers* there are far worst... far worst... than being lonely...

Oh so lonely...

I find it very hard to bear... Replying people in yahoo sounds insignificant... but that speck of dust was the only human contact that I had and could bear... Having my voice deleted over and over... Making my efforts pointless... it killed me inside... so I walked away... I guess I could post in the joke section, but there's always someone in distress posting there by mistake... and mental health questions... is the only thing I know how to reply... Because suffering... loneliness... despair... is all I've ever known.

And unfortunately... all I'll ever know... for 50 years to come. The world won't change, my health improved with so much efforts but even if I get a new body I won't ruin it in the mad society again...

My own mother didn't want me, what kind of start can this bloom into...

So I was dead to the world... before I was even born.

At least I have my inner voices to keep me company… thank god I’m insane! Even if that’s just natural biology since we have more than one brain, constantly talking together, usually without our awareness… I wish my emotional side could be happy… go to sleep without nightmares… I will take care of you… even if that’s all you have… at least you have… yourself.

Please my darkness, protect me... Right now I want to die... but without you, my survival instinct, to defend me... to take me away from what I want that's only destroying me... I'd still be in a far worst hell... and for that I thank you... But it breaks my heart in countless pieces... that this is for the best. But in this longing, this agony, I’m still grateful to you… even for denying my one last wish… to finally die.

Thank you... to protect me... even against my own will. Please love me, because no one else ever will. I wouldn't believe it anyway... The people who actually loved me are the ones who abused and tortured me the most violently and cruelly...

So please love me, even if you are the devil himself... even if I'll burn in hell for turning to you... even if I end up hurting someone which used to be my worst fear: being like my mother... please... devour my soul if you have to... but protect me.

I love you... my dark side, even if you are everything I feared and hated, for you... never abandoned me. And all you ever did and tried to do... was for my well being.

The unconditional love that I desperately sought, destroyed my health for... was there for me all along... in the darkest and most terrifying corner of my soul.

I am lonely... and I feel like my life is aimless...

But my rational side, I trust you with my life, and I will live for you.

My kid side... who's been so hurt... I'll hold the melancholy for you so you won't have to cry... so you can always smile... getting up no matter what in hardship... you're my most fragile being yet the strongest... the cheer leader that mobilize the strength of all the other parts... My capacity to enjoy the wonders of the world. I promised you as a child, as the horrors of the adult world came crashing too soon on me, that I will always keep you around... and even if I kept killing you countless times... I will always cherish you... Soon enough you'll come out with the cutest sound out of the blue, to cheer me up... Until then sleep... the evil wolf will watch over you.

I howl sadly at a world that I can't ever truly be part of, a world that's the best we have, as we try to survive... I howl sadly as succeeding to be unique made it harder to find kindred spirits... as I know they are out into the world but I can't reach them... I howl sadly because I am sad... But I rejoice to allow myself to feel and be... what reality the moment dictates...

I've done nightmares of lost friends and it really disturbed me... it had to be over... but it will always crush my heart... that being all alone is the safest and sanest option for me... and that I'm actually less lonely this way... than feeling ignored.

I don't have the strength to live, certainly not build relationships... I howl sadly as I try to cling to a life that is long gone... but what else can I do... than survive in the shadows.

You cannot save someone from darkness by sitting in the light and mocking them to come have fun already... You have to step into the dark to be able to connect with them and help them find their way... But they can become dependent on you, and suck the light out of you like a black hole... until they find how to sustain their own energy... But I met many who refused to respect their own limit, and dwelled in a fake sadness in the name of poesy...

Sometimes I need to indulge, to get it out of me... But I want to find balance and be in between... For the dark, I now know, has its vital purpose. Basking into the light can make you blind.

I am grateful for what my suffering helped me learn, even if I resent those who inflicted it on me deliberately, especially when I deserved the opposite... But I am grateful to life... for the rain.

But I sure hate people. Maybe I long for activities... to go out... to be healthy... Sadness isn't a disease... I am sad... because I am sick... and I am sick... because I put other people's wants and whims before my needs... so maybe I have something precious to learn... from this loneliness. And yes, I remember now… I choose this… to be able to heal.

Enjoy~

Angry

I went to get psychological help for sexual abuse. When I realized that this “help” was just fucked up bullying, it’s because they ended up telling me that I have no qualities and that no one will ever want me, not even in therapy. Well, if people try to rape me all the time, then I guess I have something they love and want somewhere, duh~ Fucking retard. I came with my documentation to explain why the diagnostic by some other retard was a mistake, hoping to dialogue between 2 intelligent person… she didn’t take it well. People never do when they notice my huge IQ, and that but licking admiration won’t ever happen as a result. They should worship and learn from me, instead to go all defensive and try to destroy me. WORSHIP ME I SAY!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!

I read a tutorial that was much more mean than I am, it was amazing. Yes, I’m so fucking angry to at posers who use suicide as a manipulation to get whatever whim they want. You have no idea what pain feels like… if you can’t even do your own laundry, pay your own bills and be scared every months that you won’t have enough to eat… or have a chronic illness… or worst… I’ve never been raped, and I don’t have some very hard core diseases (yet maybe I do, the severe protocol and lifestyle that I follow can even cure cancer… so… maybe I’m worst off than I think, but I like to think that there’s worst off than me… somewhere…) I’ve been there cuddling whiny people who had it all, everything handed over to them on a silver platter, and still managed to complain in self pity like a crying baby… I silenced my agony because if they freaked out that much about bumping their toes on the furniture, breaking a nail or other natural events of life… they wouldn’t be able to handle the criminal hell that I had to bear everyday for years… which was paradise compared to be locked in your father basement, raped everyday, have 7 kids and see some of them die… true story… So next time you want to whine, you little shit, think about that and go eat some VEGETABLES!!! That will make your body more able to cope with your self inflicted bullshit.

I even had a fr4iend who complained with utter despair that she had to pay money for the stuff she buy and couldn’t have everything she wanted… It’s like crying because the sky is freaking blue instead of another color!!! STOP THAT I HATE YOU, YOU BRAT! ACCEPT THE WORLD!!!!!!! Or change!

Or guys complaining because they got dumped by their girlfriend (usually the other way around, get a life of your own you bitch! You don’t need a man’s permission to make yourself happy!) guys, at least she left before she got pregnant, at you didn’t get pregnant yourself… try having a period just one freaking day and then complain that life is hard… I have to bleed 1 week a month, there’s 4 in a month… So I bleed ¼ of my life and you tell ME that I’m the weaker sex!!!? Try to bear guy’s bullshit as a man, you freak out just at the idea of a gay out to get your ass, how would you feel if half the world was out to basically rape you!? Fucking moron. Just go fuck yourself!

Yes, you deserve to die, it doesn't make you special. Everyone does. Try living your life handicapped and bullied for something that already make you suffer... then you'll have the right to feel superior for surviving hell... weaklings of mind might as well die. Becoming an invalid myself allowed me a new perspective... it humbled me as I was basically perfect... and made me see that people of true worth don't have the money, they're being exploited by people who can't do shit by themselves... and they're the one to get rich!? Assholes. Yes, life is unfair, get vengeance on someone who hurt you once in a while, by at least telling them to fuck off, you'll feel much better about it... and refrain from bullying, there's enough retards who deserve to die and who torture people into murderous psychotics without one more... but feel free to make one less. If you are in a situation like this... tell them to fuck off, punch their throat... and if all is lost and death is the only option... kill THEM. They asked for it long and hard. But those people are pussies, grabbing them by the hairs and banging their head in the wall a few times will probably do the trick. I just give an angry glare and they run for their lives...

"Never say die", unless you're about to kill someone. But that would ruin the element of surprise... which often hurts even more~

Right now I'm badly hypoglycemic, really losing my mind, got sick on health stuff like fruits, and I snapped so hard I got junk like chips and ice cream... and salmon... so I'm going to enjoy my death meal and it's going to be so delicious that maybe I'll want to live again... Well, right now I'm too angry to wish to die... which is great! I'm not disabled because I want to, I'm not on welfare to steal people's money... But after all my hard work and abuse, if I was starving in the streets, I'd buy an axe, go to people's house, rob them, kill their entire family and eat them, even the cat! It's not madness, you can't torture a sweet little girl for decades and expect them to stay sweet, that outcome is perfectly rational for survival... and if you expect me to curl into a little ball and die... you're fucked up. Too lame to kill me yourself (I would have been so burn at the stake for not worshiping men's mighty cocks, loving nature and shit), you make me wish I was dead until I do the crime on my very being. Well, I have news for you people, IF SOMEONE DIES IN THIS SAD STORY' IT WON'T BE ME!!! My survival instinct is freaking powerful, and I'd probably wouldn't be sick if I allowed myself to use it... When I threatened a client to wait for him to get out of work and show him my knife collection, I finally got paid!!! That's what you understand people, that's what you spread around, pain and misery, then that's what you fucking get!!! VENGEANCE IS RATIONAL AND SANE!!! It's letting people do all this to me that was insane. Thank you for breaking me people, now I am free!

Like one of my favorite anime “Elfin Lied” said: “If there’s no room for me into this world… then it’s my responsibility… TO MAKE ROOM!” That’s actually where I got my idea of home invasion, the cannibalism part is because that’s how I used to feel when having hypoglycemia, now I just crave almonds, less fitly and tastier.

Ah I'm so out of my mind right now, deeply hypoglycemic... the anger kicked it and that kicked out my loneliness and despair. If rage is what holds me in one piece... I can live with that... For a little while at least, I don't want to drain my adrenals by milking too much adrenalin...

ENJOY!!!


True strength isn't only how high you get, it's how low you can bear to live with. It's what you accomplish by yourself, what you overcome and survive.


I never lost my family, I threw it away willingly… What I lost is the hope to have a positive one…
My very old aunt kept telling me to take walks, as if exercise was the cure for exhaustion… for organ failure… ha! Fools.

”I’m able to!”

I was in my 20s… can you comprehend the SHEER TERROR of being sicker and more disabled at the beginning of my life than someone in her 80s… If I was suffering this much now… and it can only go downhill as you age… I wasn’t even able to stand up without holding on to the furniture… and it was going to get worst… Can you imagine how worthless of a life and future I saw, the despair… to be mocked by someone in her 80s… Old people are sad that their life is behind them, but they had a great life… I was going to wait for death… in agony… for my whole life… doomed and living at the edge of death before my life even begun… for more than half a century… This was pure hell.

I couldn’t even make myself food… I somehow found the courage to cut vegetables for a few hours once a week and make myself a stew, meager rations, 2 small bowls a day, which had to last for the whole week… There was dishes all over the place because I literally needed to save my strength to breathe…

They mocked me, ridiculed my pain, shunned it away… to bask in their pink bubble made of lies… busy pretending that their life wasn’t a failure, with a fail marriage of a man who just plain ignored her and called her “mother” instead of “my love”… but if she opened her heart instead to judge and manipulate people with hypocritical lies and demands of perfection… Maybe she’d be able to connect to her own husband… Now I understand why he avoids to even look at her, she disgusts me.

But she sent me money “It’s from my heart” if she had one she wouldn’t have said that I deserve to suffer when I explained how much I was fighting hard… The least they could have done is bring me some food or help me clean once a month… But I was utterly alone… I had to pretend to be overjoyed so they wouldn’t be inconvenienced, when I was so exhausted I couldn’t even sit!!! Because the weight of my own shoulder and spine was crushing my longs and making it hard to breathe… My heart was so weak, my blood pressure was so low from dehydration and lack of electrolytes, probably from starvation, that my heart couldn’t pump my blood against gravity, I had to lie down constantly… Bed ridden… In the period of my life that I was supposed to be the most alive and active…

I got better… I found by myself my disease and the cure, I got proof when I convinced a doctor to test me before calling me insane… I don’t have one chronic disease, I have two… two vital organs that started to fail… two signs of adrenal fatigue…

I never learn, studied and worked harder than when I spend my days laying still in bed with my computer as only company. I won. Against death itself, and I crawled my way out of hell! Nothing scares me anymore, my rage and will to live is more powerful than anything. Probably trained by feeling sheer terror, pain, threats and torments everyday of my miserable life. Ironically, the more people tried to destroy me, the more I felt sick, but also the more my mind became powerful… But maybe I was born this way… But I wasn’t born so angry and resentful.

I discovered all the lies of society… as I found the real cure… and a better way to live.

It took years of sacrifices, such a severe diet but who in their right mind would want to eat cardboard, sand, varnish and paint anyway… and I’m not even exaggerating, the chemical ingredients used in our food are found in such deadly household products and industrial waste…

I won against my own insanity… by discovering its reason, its purpose and making it my ally.

I have revolted against my family, saving my energy for myself… as they used me as a mental punching bag to feel more power over their failed lives.

With my genetics, with my IQ… I was supposed to be rich, to go to prestigious private schools, to have high demands put on me but also be given the resources to achieve them… All I had was the demands and blames no matter how much I have succeeded.

But what truly horrifies me is that I am the product of my parents, I am them… I dread having the sadistic hypocrisy of my mother and the selfish whininess of my father… If being poor, abused, humiliated… helped me transcend their flaws… Then it’s a good thing that I went in hell, rather than be them and truly deserve to be.

I now have the cruelty of my mother, and the egocentrism of my father… and this should probably worry me… But the same weapons used differently, for a different purpose, can have a different worth.

My mother was sadistic against me because she tried to be perfect with others, and all that build up rage got unleashed in secret against vulnerable people who couldn’t possibly destroy her image: her children… She called me a liar and insane when I told her what she did, but I have the scars to prove it… She loved to dive her nails into my arms… but I would have preferred to have them ripped off my body rather than the atrocities that she told me.

I acknowledged that I am not perfect, that I am evil… I raised this monster lovingly like a pet, like a child… It grew into my dark knight… he would never attack my loved ones, he would protect me and them against harm. I can do mistakes of course, I’m so messed up… But I only manipulate people to unlock what stops them to reach their desires… well, mostly…

My father was selfish… bragging about his richness yet complaining of being so miserable to the less fortunate, making me feel even more miserable when I was the one who needed support and a welcoming hear… Accusing me of being depressing if I opened my heart… but never having a single pleasant word to say ever… As if he was the child and I was responsible for his happiness at the peril of my own…

I now am selfish… but I have an extremely powerful emotional brain as well, I feel other people’s feeling as my own… I cannot bear to see people suffer and do nothing, but when all they want is complain and not help themselves no one can do a thing… But I do not want to complain anymore… I am not expecting people to read this… and I do not mean to complain… I probably do, I need to vent, but I have a point… I am selfish not to abuse others but to take care of myself… maybe there’s no difference for the one doing it… and will seem harsh for the person in the way… But I gave everything I had… even my health… yet I did it to be loved… so all along it was selfish… Now I am more self efficient. More honest… Even if I become rich… like my father… I will always remember how it was to be scared not to have enough food to eat… I will never be able to be as harsh as he was… I sure hope so…

I do think that if I could do all this… people should and can even if it could take them longer… I saved myself and lived… all alone, with the whole world, even my family, friends, doctors and even the police against my well being, denying me my very lucidity… because no one can bear all this and stay sane… But I always faced it… I always faced it all… I clawed what was in my heart and poisoning me and threw it away, crying, dying inside… to be safe and be reborn… free… I threw away my very notion of wanting, my desires, my dreams… and I have accepted it, stoic like ice… because it was… necessary to survive.

I was dying… and no one cared… people used this weakness to exploit me even more, to walk all over me… many pretending to do this out of care! That was the worst… To be hated I can stand… but to be told that I’m loved by people who give me pure disdain, neglect and cruelty… I could only lose faith, trust, hope and love itself… I became as dark as oblivion. Yet… I fell into a deep love with what I found in it… “Do no far, fallen angel, the demon watches over your fall.”

I was dying, literally dying… I know the difference between pain and death… I’ve been to the hospital, I had operations… but this was nothing… even trying to kill myself… I didn’t see death that day, I met my will to live.

But when I took prescribed hydrocortisone and when I ran out… it actually made my adrenals shut down worst than they ever been… I truly met death. I tried to call myself an ambulance and asked if it could be free for people on welfare because I couldn’t afford it… (what’s the point of saving my life if I can’t eat…) The miss on the phone replied with such an angry disdain, instead to ask around, she said that she doesn’t know and hanged the phone on me… I have a severe dread of hospitals… because I cannot block people’s pain… and because there’s so many mistakes and filth flying around… To call for help… I was dying… but I was still rejected… treated like crap… by people paid to be saviors… paid to care… paid to do their damn job!!! I might be on welfare… but at least I don’t deny dying people help when I can do something about it!!! Maybe it was my choice because I said I have no money… then she hanged the phone… what makes it criminal… is that it was actually free… she didn’t bother to ask…

But then what… they wouldn’t have found a thing, threw me in the psychiatric ward… and I would have died… or gave me more chemical drugs, fried my kidneys and adrenals some more… and I would have died…

I saved my own life… I fought to breathe for 3 days… in what seemed to be a coma… I don’t know by what miracle I managed to feed myself… I even went out to buy groceries in a last energy of ultimate hope in the hopelessness… I saw death… and discovered that there’s actually no line between life and death, it’s all at once, all possibilities… It inspired me to live… as I saw life in its purest raw form, beyond society, I finally saw beauty, in life, in everything.

People only made it worst, people only got in the way…

Everything that I am, everything that I have accomplished, everything that I have… I’ve done it with my own hands, by my own will, with my own strength… I owe nothing and the world owes me, it’s about time that I take care of myself.

All the people who looked down on me… who tortured me… I survived. I am better than you. You wouldn’t last a second. I am free. My happiness is real, for I made it myself. For I embraced sadness and anger when that’s what was real…

I don’t care about status; I don’t care about money… I won against death itself… I am safe. I have a home, I have enough food… I guess I even have a reason to live.

I won’t die even if I’m killed… My spirit is like a phoenix, reborn out of dust blazing in rage… as much as all this sadden me… as much as I feel like my big IQ made me owe the world to be great for its benefit… it saved my life. I wanted to do medical research and I did.

I am saddened that I was never appreciated for what I gave, for what I could offer…

But I now appreciate every corners of me, the weakest, the most evils…

For it wasn’t you, so called “good” people, who protected me, who nursed me back to health, who made me keep hope, who saved me… It was myself, and only myself… This accomplishment can’t ever be denied. It was myself, my darkness, my suffering and even death itself… I used everything that brought me agony and made it my strength… I embraced pain and sadness, faced it and overcame it everyday. I used it to fuel my rage, every tears turned to fire… will to live.

Yes it’s true… I do not want to live in your world… But I made my own… and even though I feel lonely in it… I can bear to live with myself. I can look in the mirror and love what I see, in spite of my fat cottage cheese ass (Hmmm~ cheese~) and my disfigured face (I’m having a bad allergic reaction to something right now, my face melted…) In spite of all my flaws… my conscience is clear. Because I am no longer a good person… I’m even better, to myself… to the people who suffer for I understand them, I cannot mock the trial that I went through… and if that’s all it taught me it would still be worth it.

But I am still angry at people… not just for being ungrateful bastards denying me my dues… or scared people in denial with their head up their asses spending more energy pretending that everything is okay and none to make it so!!! I am angry… at all those so called good people, angry… because I tried so hard to please them, to be one of them… when even the devil himself have more heart!!!

I am proud to be in the dark, but I do not dwell in self pity, at least I try not to even if sometimes I need to, I don’t shun the light… I enjoy the dark… because that’s what you need to be able to notice all the lights in the sky… beyond the one sun… and appreciate the vast beauty of the world.

I am underground, under society… under the ads, the lies, the manipulations and false promises… my feet are deep in the dirt, in the raw earth, where life sprouts in all its beauty…

In death I saw life.

In despair I saw real hope: make it happen.

In suffering I found wisdom.

In loneliness I found freedom.

In sickness and disability I’ve reached my true dream.

Nothing will ever erase my past, and I don’t want to… this made me who I am, this is the only way to learn how not to repeat it… But of course it will never stop to hurt… sometimes sharp, and sometimes a dull ache…

But true strength… isn’t to smile when everything is fine… true strength is to smile in spite of everything…

I wondered if I was being a hypocrite, but this is my way to try to spread something better, to make sure to cultivate it inside me…

There would be no point constantly telling people how much I can feel hatred for humankind… for my own kind… for casting me out and not having the kindness to kill me. Cast out as weak and defective… but it’s easy to seem fit when everything is handed to you and you’re surrounded by love no matter the horrors that you inflict to others…

But it takes way more strength to walk through mud and fire, all alone, in the dark, surrounded by predators, especially when you’re just a little girl, a seemingly innocent and defenseless child…

Even the sweetest little girl has a demon in her shadow to protect her…

I am very grateful to mine, to my survival instinct.

Even if I feel trapped. I am glad to live. For you. My self.

My rational side is always harsh like only the sheer truth can be, pure facts, bullshit free no matter how much it can hurt, with me... probably worst than the way I write... and I love it! My parents and people were mean just to belittle and bully... it takes a very special being to have the wisdom to do this constructively. I wish I was as good to others as this side is to me... but it turns out to be good because my mind is open and I want to use it as a tool to better myself... Maybe the trick is to give facts, not opinions... Something that this side of me, rationality itself, do wonderfully. Thank you for saving my life, my lord and master, the voice of reason. You kept me sane... in all that madness.

Enjoy~


The curse of the undead

What’s so poetic, tragic and heart wrecking in the curse of the undead, like vampires… is to fight against the agony and live on! In spite of not having the very essence of life and being doomed to suffer without deliverance. Not to embrace pain when you have everything!!! You damn FREAKING POSERS!!!

Don't dwell in self pity when you are favored by destiny, make the best of even the worst situations! Jumping in darkness when you don't even know the meaning of pain, disrespecting your own body as if not defending it wasn't enough of an outrage already! Doing it for fashion... Get you own freaking personality and fight to defend its right to exist!!! Fight against the grim reaper himself and WIN! Against all hopes... hope against all odds... Then even if you fail trying, you'll achieve a poetic tragedy... But spitting on your blessings and others to create one just makes you an ungrateful brat!

I have anemia, I have hypoglycemia, low thyroid... many common traits that inspired the legend of vampires. I have the rage, the thirst for blood, sunlight hurts my eyes and burns my skin... A doctor described my level of adrenal fatigue with words such as undead... and I have fangs, two rows all over my mouth. So I am pretty damn close to being a real vampire... so I can tell you this: stop being a freaking poser! You're a disgrace to the real deal. If you have any admiration, respect or remote liking for such tragedy, then stop making a mockery of our suffering, you haven't got a clue, you buffoon!!!

This hell is nothing to be imitated, envied or embraced, you freaking disgraces. Accepting your destiny and overcoming it for the better is what makes us strong, what makes us great... not the tragedy and pain itself! Not the freaking fashion!

Stop screwing your life on purpose to give yourself a genre. Stop shitting all over your life, maybe it will be more enjoyable!

I chose this hell because the alternative was worst, not to look cool! I chose this because it was the best I could do to survive and reach happiness. Throwing away the gifts that life bestowed upon you thinking that it will make you as admirable as someone who had to claw his way out of the ground to rise again... You should be ashamed... I threw away what I had because it was poisoning me, torturing me, killing me ô so slowly but surely... but I long for more that can't ever be. Just someone who doesn't threaten or harm me would be good enough. Someone who have the guts to look at me, my real thoughts and feelings, without turning away. But perhaps this doesn't exist, for anyone. We only want to love was is like us... yet we refuse ourselves the right to love ourselves... so we constantly look for someone who'll do it without having to feel selfish... Absurd.

Love yourself now. You need no one's approval to exist, you just do anyway.

Enjoy your freaking life you ingrates!!!


Lisa Of Shades
14 November 2013

The will to live

Maybe the reason why I wanted to do medical research, besides that cool horror movie about genetics that I saw as a kid, was because I wanted to learn about biology, so eager to discover life... as my very right to be born was constantly denied to me... but people were too chicken shit to act according to their convictions, abort me, or put a bullet in my brain. Even being burn at the stake would have been mercy, at least I wouldn't have to sit on the side and contemplate humanity shit all around the place, on each other and even themselves... and be unable to do a thing about it... and not even be able to be a part of it... Maybe that's how gods feel. I feel like Cassandra in the Greek Mythology, able to see the future but unable to prevent it because no one would ever believe her...

People, you're dumb, but you're on your own, so you might as well make the best of it because no one is coming to save you. There was this Jewish dude who tried once, but after you chose to free a murderer instead, and nailed him to a cross, no one's going to volunteer for the job anymore.

Well, the doors of heaven are open, if you ever feel like sucking god's dick up close. But don't expect to rule in paradise. Someone has to trim the garden, take the pubes and feathers out of the pool for the angels. What, you thought it was there for your benefit? Then why the hell do you think you're down below! You're a cheap reality TV that's what you are. Now go mess up and make a fool of yourself so the immortals can be entertained!!!

Enjoy! Well, at least they will. Dumb ass. Mwahahahaha!

Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013
Murder is an option

The people at school who bullied me and made my life a living hell to the point that murder would have been mercy... or the other people who weren't there but would have done the same to a weak half blind girl with an unusual personality (trying to cheer in utter pain and despair by any odd and original ways possible)... those people grew...

Those bullies grew into the people who'd hire me once I fought to accomplish my dreams... no wonder no one wanted to hire me even though I was among the best...

Those bullies grew into the so called professionals in mental health care, so no wonder, when I called for help, that instead to explain me what I could do to better myself and make the torture stop... all that they ever told me is that I have to figure it out by myself, that I have no qualities and that no one would ever want me... Bullies once, bully forever. Having a title, status, position, paycheck or whatever claiming to be helpful doesn't change people's bullying nature... and drugs can't either. Why don't they make drugs for the people who destroy others, instead to inflict that on the victims... Maybe because they treat the wounded... they blame them too.

Those bullies grew into police officers, so no wonder I was mocked, told that the horrors that were done to me couldn't possibly have happened, that I must be insane or on drugs... Even my worst imagination never compared to the cruelty of people's real actions... Maybe that's why I'm such an easy victim: I'm too nice. I was told many times. Well, maybe I'm nice because if I allow myself to get as angry as people deserve, they won't live long.

Those bullies grew into parents, so you can't expect warm understanding and love even if it's their primal duty. No wonder I never got any. They loved the idea of having a perfect child who'd make them look good... like a doll to own and toy with... but all my thoughts and feelings, all my opinions were ridiculed and punished harshly... I couldn't even choose my own clothes, even if her atrocious choices got me beaten at school. So I had to suffer twice, completely powerless. Everything that my mother told me to be and do, to be perfect for her, got me hated, no one like to be looked down upon... and how was I supposed to make friends... People had parents who went out to make activities, friends with other parents, the kids became friends and learn how to function... I was never taken anywhere... I could have been locked in a closet for decades and it would have been similar... So she couldn't expect me to know how to function... I was so sick I couldn't even stand... already back then... because she fed me garbage to save money to go party and buy herself dresses every week and bags... Then she belittled me because I was weak, sick and ugly... when it was her responsibility and failure to keep me healthy, happy, and thriving... She gave me birth to manipulate my father not to leave her for another woman... how could he leave a pregnant woman with 2 other kids... he'd have to continue to work in her stead so she could eat chips in her bed all day... He left and gave her money instead... A wise choice... but I was a failure to her before I was even born... and nothing I could have done could have changed that... My father had pictures of his girlfriend's children, and my mother had pictures of her boyfriend's children... I belonged no where, I was unwanted, unloved... Branded by the person sending me into the world... That I was unworthy to be loved... and this is what people saw, for that's all that was ever put in my heart... Called a retard when I was in special classes for gifted students... The best day of my life is when I punched her throat and called the police against her, as she beat me 5 times in a row... frustrated that she was dumped by a man who finally opens his eyes... The people who hate you... can't do better when they know... that they only deserve to hate themselves... full of hate... that's all they deserve, that's all they ever give.

What do you people expect when you deny someone their very existence, at least kill them... not everyone will commit suicide, curl up in the gutter and starve to death... Some people will buy guns... and start shooting everyone.

It sounds very logical, rational and sane to me.

Thankfully I didn't have to go that far... I punched people. I was punished, called insane... But no one ever bothered to allow me to fit in or to explain me what they expected of me. The garbage in magazine is just publicity and is futile...

I'm not others, I'm me...

There's nothing wrong with that.

I had my own life, my own reality... if it was abnormal, I still had to adapt to the best I had the best I could... I can't have the same personality, behavior and attitude as someone who was born out of love and cherished all their life... who had friends instead to be isolated...

Punished for her kindness... I had a friend whose parents were into the Witnesses of Jehovah... I gave her a material gift because I wanted to express my gratitude for her to be my friend, even though I was dirt poor... Her parents thought I was trying to convert her to the crimes of materialism... and told her to give it back and never speak to me again... That's how my kindness got rewarded... I was also assaulted, dragged by the hairs, thought that I was willing just because I was polite enough to be nice... As if anyone in heat would enjoy being dragged into the woods begging and crying by an old fart when she's just a child...

Does it really surprise you... that people want to die? It surprises me... that not more people go on killing sprees.

We weren't born insane... you did this to us... by years of pricking us with sharp needles... daily torments, with innocent cruel words that you find SO funny... grating our mind little by little, our hearts, our will to live, our sanity... you think it's so horrible to be shot in the head for a few seconds... when you don't even have the time to suffer... when you die loved and confident enough to walk over other people just for fun, because you believe that your friends will back you up and it won't be a one on one fight... You have no idea... what hell feels like... actually you do, you find it funny, empowering, to see someone suffer and cry... powerless before the boot that you shove in their throat and heart... making you feel better about your frustrations of not having whatever you want, whenever you want, faster enough...

People like that... I wouldn't shed a tear to see them die. I wouldn't feel regret. I don't want to go to jail so I'd only defend myself on the spot...

But once thing for sure... someone deserve to die... but it might not be the one wishing for its sweet mercy.

Sometimes insanity is the sanest thing that you can do. As long as I keep doing morbid humor, the pressure of my vengeance won't build up... my sadness either... People don't understand kindness, so I don't expect people to be amused by my humor... but they should be grateful... that I didn't choose the alternative.

(I'm hypoglycemic, right now. Eating sugar can make me feel so very aggressive... I bought ice cream... the corn in it probably crush my brain against my skull from an allergic inflammation, putting my survival side on high alert... I normally take such good care of myself... But right now... I have enough. Thankfully I can stay hidden in my home... if I was living with someone, going to work, or had kids... and got shrieked at or bullied... Right now... someone would get hurt. *sigh* It will pass in a few days. I'll enjoy some dark animes like Code Geass, Elfen lied, and Shigoku Shoujo... Seeing violent art helps me vent, too long can ingrain that mood deeper... but heck... I expect to have a psychosis and kill everyone since I'm 20... lasting 13 years... it's great... Oh yeah... this is also why I chose solitude... When my primal side demands murder... I just don't return where that person keeps going to... I guess living my life without killing anyone, when I have such good reasons to... would still be a great accomplishment... even if it’s a silent one, even if I don’t get paid for it. Wait~ I actually do. Welfare isn't given out of compassion but to keep people from being too close to death and end up revolting and acting violent to survive... When you treat people worst than animals, you're really a fool to be surprise when someone bite you... gut you... or shoot all over the place until they get you! Right now… my anger… is all that’s keeping me in one piece… What happened… I dreamt of lost friends… I felt lonely… The shield around my heart shatter and my whole mind went down to hell… memories flowing out… Like sneezing on a pile of poisonous dust… Maybe it will settle eventually… Just keep writing… it will pass… *whispers* Just keep talking… the void is listening.)

Enjoy~

Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013

Legal drugs aren't the answer, especially not legal ones

At least drugs that aren't endorsed by the government and not using money from tax payers won't tell you that you're defective, they'll promise you a good time. They lie too, but they usually fill their promises better, since they can't benefit from ads and propaganda as much as psychiatric drugs.
I have hypoglycemia, this is what makes me aggressive and suicidal even though I'd much rather kill first (anemia too, and food poisoning... and allergies...) and antidepressants is insulin to make people weak and docile... they might refrain the high sugar hysteria of someone starved for real food, but on an hypoglycemic, they just make it worst! That's why they have; in so small character but still admit it, that their side effects cause psychosis, depression of all things! and suicide... murder too.

Because no voices ever tell you to do anything. Even if some jerk boss you around, or threaten you with a knife, you can always at least bite his nose off or at least die trying, if you can't simply walk away, which you often can... or just say yes and do the opposite, apparently it works wonder at work... Never tried it, I try to reason, but with people just demanding you to suck up to their insecure ego, without even bothering to explain you how to do a good job... It sounds like it could work wonders.

Back to my point... Yes. I have the potential to be extremely dangerous... not because I'm strong; I'm very weak from sickness... what makes someone dangerous is the intent to kill. I do have my primal side asking me to kill and eat... to protect myself and fill my needs. But no voice can ever force you... My rational side reminds my primal side that if I do kill, as sweet as it would be, I'd loose my utmost precious freedom and get in way more trouble... And my emotional side often feels compassion and pity for the human insect anyway...

But let's throw drugs into this... and see what happens.

It would shut my brain down, yeah... it would shut my emotions so I might not be sad or angry... but it would also shut my rational side so I might go psychotic jumping to really weird conclusions and associating what I see to the wrong concept...

But that's still fun.

Here's where it gets ugly... when you shut someone's brain down with a chemical straight jacket, you can't turn off the primal side, because that’s what takes care of repetitive automatic functions like walking, or more importantly BREATHING. But relatives of people on antidepressants reported that they gasped for breath and died on them... so I guess psychiatry has no shame. Oh yeah I'm sure the person is cured of depression in his coffin, and BAM lots of clients with the mourning family. What a great business.

And the dangerous part, the risk that someone, like me, might hammer an enemy's head against the wall until it changes color for the tint of love... it’s not the emotional or rational side... It’s that primal side... for survival.

So on drugs... all that I'd be left with is my urge to kill with no reason or emotions to stop or at least moderate it. Well, I guess if I laugh like a maniac killing people I wouldn't be depressed anymore, so yeah I guess it's a valid cure... NOT! Because it takes free will away. That's why I hate drugs and booze, and especially the weaklings relying on them (oh I know pain, you weakling!), you're too out of it to make an informed decision with every parts of you. You can't find a solution to your problems this way, and that includes figure it out how to properly and efficiently run away from them for real. Nothing's wrong with escaping your problems, but pretending that you're not in the middle of crap out of denial instead to just step out... That's just lame. Hey I walked away from what I wanted, loved and needed the most... don't waste your time telling me that you can't or that it's hard... JUST DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE FOR YOUR SAFETY! Complain after.

Yes it must sound scary to peek into the dark corner of my mind, that's probably why you never dare to look into yours, believe that you're so perfect and above others, you slime. If you took a long look at yourself, or anyone that you envy or idolize, you’d see that we’re all the same screw ups, but in a different way, no one should look down or envy anyone... if you do just start making different choices. But you can't impose any on others... yes you can try but the choice is always up to them, and they can choose to beat the life out of your arrogant ass!

Here's what I basically told someone trying to have a power trip on me once:

I have decades of build up vengeance and murderous rage, that scream to come out every second of the day, I have to control this extremely powerful force every seconds of the day... So if you want to control me, great... but it will mean that I'll have to stop controlling myself, so you can do it for me... Do you seriously think that you can handle hell itself, do you seriously think that you'd survive very long~? You might want to let me control myself instead and back off.

I have way more strength and self control than the people who try to control others. I can do what I need to on my own; I don't need to do this bullshit. I’m happy enough with what I can accomplish by myself, at least the pride and value belongs to me; there isn’t any on walking on others and taking things from them. That’s being a parasite. I may be on welfare but I don’t berate, belittle, trick, exploit, abuse, harass, bully, hit, rob or kill anyone in the process. I’m on it because I’m sick, but all the so called lazy people that you reject because they don’t look cute enough, or smart enough, without even giving them a chance… what choice do they have. I even read about a guy who was ignored by companies because he sent too many CV everywhere… The poor guy just didn’t want to be on welfare. I worked 100h a week and didn’t get paid to eat… I spent years on welfare thinking every time I eat “I don’t deserve this food… I didn’t work for it.” I DID! Every single day that I endured bullying, mobbing, abused and the cops refused to believe me, rejection, all that violence taken with a pleasant docile smile... yet wishing that I was never born… I paid, and society owes me way more than working sweat… society owes me BLOOD!

If you’d rather pay me to be in jail in my own home all alone, for the crime of being born, rather than allow me to work with the best of my abilities, instead of demanding inhuman perfection that can only be promised with lies and manipulations… The choice wasn’t mine, but I sure as well took all I could have! Don't blame me for your own discrimination!!! Everyone has something to offer to the world and we recognize a great leader by his ability to guide his people be the best they can be, at what they do best. If you can’t do that, and waste unappreciated talent… then fuck YOU! I'm doing the best I can, with the information and opportunities I was given. I'm not gutting you with a chainsaw, what else can you possibly want from me!? To look like a porno star, while acting like you're mom, with the opinion and will of a soulless doll, yet worshiping you as if your cock was god? You sicken me!

But so far that’s the message I see around, I can do a great job and be a great person without this bullshit that’s completely irrelevant to the tasks! Why should I be the one to be labeled defective for not wanting to waste brain power, time, energy, money and sanity on this superficial futility! If we spent more honest time accepting each other instead to try to trick each other, then maybe we'd be able to find our kin somewhere, instead to trick the person less suited to our needs because we’re scared of rejection… yet rejecting harshly ourselves… Not that I’m different… But at least I can see how fucked up it all is… If we stopped thinking that we can pick anyone and run when it gets hard, maybe people would appreciate each other more when they find a connection and try harder to make it work… We’re all scared like hell trying to pretend we’re not, being cruel to people who dare to show it, because we hate being reminded on how badly we are, and how much we lie to ourselves. *siiigh* I can see it all, and I am so weary of this shit. I freak people out by being too direct, instead to play all those fucked up mind games… Well, guess what, you all look crazy to me!

Oh, or when I give you what you want, but then you freak out for some reason even though you ask for it... Can't you just say "Thanks, but I think I got enough now." Nooo~ you get super rude and mean... implying "Take a hint"... Wha--- JUST TELL ME YOU FREAKING JERK AND BITCHES!!! Apparently it's a common problem in a couple... How hard is it to say "Not there" and "Right there"... Oh you're scared to hurt their feelings so you'll just give the cold shoulder and pouts like a child... "Why can't he/she read my mind!!!?" Well, I CAN, the thoughts are feelings translated into words and I can feel those even if my translation will be different... And I still need to be told directly! Heck, my own mind has to speak to me directly for me to understand it. There are just too many distractions. You don't even understand yourself, how dare you demand it to others when you're as inconsistent as a leaf in the wind!

I'm usually the sweetest little thing~ (But people might find that annoying, I'm just trying to spare them the grim... with the best of me.) But this is my home, this is my world, this is my web site... and right now... this is what I need to say to stay sane... Facts aren't negative, they're just facts... And the best I can understand the facts of my life is with my opinion. I wish I had nicer things to say. I do, but not about people in general, not the ones I met, and not now. Right now I have sadness and anger to live to go through mourning a loss and I'm going to live it! Because it's the best way out. If you stop or alter the process, you stop going through it, and you can't reach the end. There's no going back! Just going through... steps by step... stopping, taking a deep breath, shedding some tears, punching a pillow, walking forward some more, with a few more stops... then it's over. Just like being born all over again. Gross indeed. People wanting to crawl back... that's just creepy.

Trying to force happiness down the throat of people who need to express and live a different reality... leads to disaster. Trying to prevent the depressive or angry step in the natural mourning process, stop people from coming to terms with their grief... and it can build up into something monstrous.

My whole life is a mourning... right now anger is keeping me alive...

Just don't get in my way while I'm cutting some vegetables in pieces... Be nice to me and I'll gladly return it. "Return what is given to you, no matter if it makes grateful or vengeful" is my motto.

I have so much pain to give back... Even if I was to kill, it wouldn't even the score. But if that's what it takes to have the damn peace, be left alone, and be safe. I'm ready to die trying.

No good deeds go unpunished… but bad deeds don’t always get unpunished either.

Don’t mess with mad people, and don’t turn people mad with your bullshit. Some people do bad things because they’re too lame to achieve their desires the good way... they should be put down with a shotgun and their corpse shacked before being fed to alligators. But some people aren’t left much of a choice to survive; crushing them with yet more suffocating control can only backfire. People killed and died in the name of freedom… imposing such fake and empty stereotypes now is missing the goal of their intended purpose… Attacking is a good defense… for me trusting is no longer an option… If bullying, discriminating for the tiniest variation and abusing is reasonable in this world… Then so is pain and madness.

I’d rather be killed, I’d rather be beaten… than be denied my own existence, than be harassed mentally. I’d rather kill too.

My pain never stopped… because the memory will never change… but soon enough I’ll forget again… why I became this way. But the person that you turned me into because you didn’t find me good enough… might actually be worst than your worst fear and nightmare. HAHAHA! In your face.

No drugs, no therapy, no friends, no family, no amount of love or tears will ever change me back.

Thank you. I'm very grateful. I love being evil... the utter evil... of finally seeing... that I'm more important in my life than anyone else ever will!!!

Suffering... was worth it... the love that I so desperately craved and almost died trying to deserve... I HAVE IT FOR MYSELF!

Thank you. For breaking the wall in my heart… that forbid me to look at myself, for breaking the belief that I had to devote myself to other well being, that for being born with a skill I owed to make the world benefit from it… Society might not want me, but life apparently does… my body does… and I do… It saddens me that I’m out of the cogs… but in a way I still am… but when I look at all of you… who have everything that I was told to need to have the right to be happy… and see you miserable anyway… Then I might as well rejoice… between my furry blankets, alone, with my damn freedom and peace. The price for them might be loneliness… but the price for acceptance… was an unattainable lie that wasn’t worth it.

People don’t even accept themselves and the basic principles of life… like the laws of causalities… Well, I am the own cause of my situation… I chose this… what makes me feel so sad… is that I had to.

No one lese than my own self is worth living for… but… I guess… it’s a law of life that everyone has to humbly accept. There would be a whole lot less bullying if people did… and saw that from any other angle, from any other people’s perspective, they’re not the center… they’re the worthless specks of dust flying around… Even the whole planet is just that…

Yes~ your death wouldn’t make much of a difference… but it also means that your life doesn’t have to be big either.

Enjoy~

Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013
Sure~

Sure, I'm a loser, the more I try the worst it gets.
Sure, I don't deserve to have a job/friend/family/love/home/food/child/spaceship/whatever...
Sure, I don't deserve to live.
But I'm such a loser that I can't even kill myself.
So who's going to have the guts to put my out of my misery?
Sure, you judge and talk big but you're no show, just babbling wind.
So I'm going to stay and have fun.
If you have a problem with that, then come and get it over with already!


Weird, I didn't know that I knew the word "babbling" and I never used it before, I had to check the meaning... I know even more than I thought! Fascinating. I never cease to amaze myself... and people's stupidity never ceases to amaze me... well, I guess it's something. Well, the intellect isn't everything, it even gets in the way by making the gap to connect with people wider, but it saved my life... and at least I have that… my intellect, and I guess my life as well. Maybe people screw your life to practice for their own, or because they're screwed up as badly as can be and since that's all they're good at, they need someone else to continue... We're all walking piece of shit and also the flies at the same time, in our own putrid way~ If it wasn't for plants to recycle it into life, this whole planet would be a crap ball. Too bad we poop faster than they grow… well, humanity will drown in its own waste soon enough~ People continue knowing, thinking that they can live a rich life and send the bill to the next generation or the people under them… but we all drink the same water and breathe the same air, and all of it got pissed and farted at some point… and it will happen sooner than you think… it’s happening right now. People are dying from it right now. The unfair part is… it’s not the people responsible… and it’s not the people who want to die! Ah life~ You have such a sense of humor~

Enjoy~

Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013

Waking up on a nightmare... again.

Nightmares of him (the one who showed me that when I finally fid someone who actually love me... he's only more cruel and hit deeper than the people who hate me...), and that village… missing the nature… his lover was in fact a singer I was into… he lied to leave maybe… I asked him to come back sometimes… the only thing I want is to stop the pain, for him to stop hurting me… that I just want to be taken to places I like sometimes… he gave me a orange plastic belt, but I cut it by accident… I longed to follow a river deeper and deeper into the woods… such nostalgia… such loneliness… I can’t take it anymore… I can’t go out, can’t even post in forums… this is torture, why do I have to bear nightmares… I handle it during the day, but why do you keep sending me ghosts of the past!!! I don’t want all this, any of this… in elfin lied, the anime, she said that she could bear it all, any torture, if only she didn’t feel so alone… if only she had a friend… But I never had one… maybe no one ever did… who would want to be the company of pain if they could just walk away… maybe I did… I tried… but I don’t even have the strength to go out anymore… no more abuse… no more… please my brain… please my memories… stop torturing me when I sleep… I know you’re lonely… I know you miss nature… but it’s useless to plea to me… Can’t you see I already know but just can’t do it!!! I don’t ignore the need because I want to… but because there’s no way for me to have it,,, so please… stop giving me nightmares… stop reminding me that an empty lonely life is torture… stop twisting the blade is my ever lasting wounds as I do my best to walk forward… stop giving me nightmares of the loss I had to go through… making me go through it again and again… I’d rather fall in a hypoglycemic coma and die… so STOP USING MY TORMENTED PAST TO WAKE ME UP!!! Please my brain, I have abdicated my will and life to you… but don’t ask the impossible… I actually do have friends… and I still feel ever so alone… as they keep saying that they have better things to do than share happiness with me, that I'd even be taking them away from what they love... hat hurts more than insults... So… Let me be… I have accepted that my life is just waiting for death, that I am socially powerless and dead… SO STOP TORTURING ME WITH GHOSTS OF THE PAST WHEN I SLEEP!!!

Enough... enough... my body, if you won't allow me to die... at least let me sleep in peace.

The worst part is... I was so happy to be outside, to see the forest... and to see him of all people... I'm so lonely... I just want to die. Myself isn't enough but people are worst than nothing! I'm so angry at you right now; I want to shove cookies up my nose. I should eat ice cream for breakfast again, a hypoglycemic suicide... To tell me that any food would be fine with you rather than let myself starve again... I guess I'm really at the end of my wits... I always eat something decent soon after... I don't want to cook, I don't want to breathe (be careful what you wish for)...

*whispers* I just had enough...

Fine... I'll go feed you......... I just want to cry and die... I can't even cry... (You'll feel better after eating)

*stares at keyboard in silence* Right now I envy people who win against you, you know... my survival instinct, and even you my reason... I can't see a single reason to live. I'm so angry at you I could kill you... But it's not your fault that those memories are there... It's the fault of people... So loneliness is the best thing to feel... and you're the only one who ever truly genuinely cared...

I just want the nightmares to stop. Is it because I ate fruits and got hypoglycemic from that little sugar... can't I at least have that much sweetness in my life!? Is this how it started...? Why did I start dreaming of people of the past a while back...

Why... what can I do...

(Eat and enjoy something you love)

The definition of hell and madness... I'm pretty sure it was to repeat the same thing over and over... If you want to live so much why don't you completely take over... at least for a while... shut down my freaking emotions... or leave nothing but anger... Even being cut in pieces would hurt my heart less than those nightmares... Insects everywhere...

Oh god was it a gift?

Waking up alone after dreaming of people I lost... it's just too cruel! I'm losing them again!!!

Why can't I be insane like everybody else and out of my freaking mind... why when I'm paranoid it actually does happen... Well, the cause to effect is predictable... and apparently your calculations are spot on...

*sigh* You are a wonderful ally... My life is the best it has even been and I'm grateful to you... The price to pay is hard sometimes... am I even alive...

(Why don't you go eat and find out~)

ARG! This again... FINE!!! HELL! FINE!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU! But you're all I have... so I'll go take care of you... But please choose different nightmares!!! I can't win against the drive to live... can't win against you... it's fascinating that the brain is made of different parts that can be in contradiction (Like the bible) ... yeah but at least when I pray to you, you answer HAHAHA! Fine I'll go grant your prayers and feed you something... If you won't help me die... at least you help me live... Thanks I guess...

*sigh* I'm so insane, but you're the sanest part of me... don't worry I won't take some prescribed drugs or others to shut you up... That would be stupid... My precious voice of reason. My guide in hell.

Enjoy~

Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013

The emotions must lead even if it hurts, and especially because it does

Why do I have to be the driver of this body, why can't I be the one in the background?

(Because the emotional brain has vital information, only you can perceive the senses, what is pleasant or painful, it's very precious information to me, the rational brain, to be able to make informed decisions, without you, I'd be powerless...)

So it's because I'm able to suffer so much that you can be so damn clever...

(In a word, yes. The reason can't lead, because without the emotions, I wouldn't know what is reasonable...)

Thank you. For giving meaning to this torment... and to me. And for being such a wonderful guide.

(Thank you for listening.)

I enjoy~
Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013
The holy trinity: your brain

The holy trinity: your brain
I find it hard to handle external stimulations, stress, emotions... but, my reason, you must have so much more to deal with to come up with what you tell me sometimes... even able to predict probable futures...

(Yes. We all have our duties. Even the primal side, he keeps you breathing, blinking, walking...)

Oh god if I was aware of all that I'd really loose it.

(Yes, that's why we are here for you. We have different levels of awareness.)

I thought that the primal side came out only in times of danger with wrath and evil.

(No, he's always taking care of us all, like we all do.)

I'm seeing my dark side under a new light.

(Usually people aren't conscious of their sub-conscious...)

When they do they freak out! Hahaha.

(...and never take a pause and be grateful. You keep saying that I do a good job, even when you are angry at me, but you do a great one too.)

I'm whiny and suicidal... a coward...

(No, it takes much more courage to walk away from what you love than blindly stay in a situation that's destroying you... I admire you for that... and the most destructive thing that you actually do was to buy yourself a box of ice cream cone for the first time in ages... and only one. You could cut yourself, hang yourself, smoke, sniff cocaine...)

Hahaha! I can't afford cocaine!

(You could if you sucked the dick of random old people in dark alleys...)

*shivers in disgust*

(... but you don't. You even spend hundreds of dollars on vitamins instead of free drugs... atidepressants...)

But unlike antidepressants, we need it, they work! Magnesium even makes me laugh.

(Yes but you're not supposed to know this. Not with all the propaganda pressure, how much you were ridiculed by doctors and psychiatrists for claiming it was real physical pain...)

You kept telling me, even when they finally discovered what I have, what you told me to look into... you told me not to take the medicine, and it was indeed dangerous once I searched the side effects and contraindications... Well, I did take that other medicine and almost died...

(Yes... but you listened to me... even in that deadly moment...

And you brought me back to life.

(...you trusted yourself, while the whole world was against your better judgment and crushed you... You still believed in yourself anyway.)

I trust you with my life... you're the voice of reason, pure wisdom, kindness itself... the only kindness I've ever got...

(Yes, but it took strength. I don't think you're a coward for walking away from situations that turned dangerous... Like your fiancé who hit you, you could have been married and have kids by now... but could have been beaten everyday and taken it out of your kids... You made the choice... and I know how much courage it took... because I am a part of you.)

I wish you were another person... so you could be with me...

(I AM with you, I couldn't be even more with you. And with our definition of a person, that every sentient being is one, for having my own thoughts and way to think, I am to some extent a different person as you. But if I had my own separated body and existence, I wouldn't be able to devote all my energy for your well being, for mine directly depends on it; and I wouldn't be able to understand you so deeply, for being a part of your brain and being...)

You're a good person... I don't want to kill you. I have nothing but respect for you even when I'm angry.

(I know... and even if you think you're not worthy of the same for messing up... I see you struggle with what you have... manage to stand up and go get food in a worst state that many people in hospitals... so if you talk weird, or drop something and startle someone, or look immature because you work so hard to put a smile and be happy... People might not understand... your family sure don't... but I do... I respect you, and I am glad to be stuck with you. If I could choose, I wouldn't choose someone greedy rich, or some superficial Barbie... We complete each other and fit perfectly. And that's still something. No matter how much we waged war inside, you still acknowledged us... you still had the immense courage... to look at yourself... to try... to improve... to sacrifice... to live on. I couldn't be more proud even if I had the whole world at my feet. Because my whole world is you. And I am glad to serve you.)

I'm still lonely and full of sorrows.

(Yes, but I'll help you go through it. Enjoy~)

My only wish as a child was to be as good as you.

(You are... you were all along. I am you~)

I should look harder at what I have gained instead of lost... what I have instead of what will never be... I just wish the nightmares to stop...

(They have. You are awake.)


God I love you. You're right, no matter the past and future, right now I am safe. I'll let go. Like you said before, in 15 minutes, I probably won't even remember...


By the way people, this is called automatic writing or something, and it allows you to reach deep into your sub-conscious. Try it and let the inspiration flow unrestrained... you could discover wonders inside you that you never suspected. Children use imaginary friends, visualization works too. Discover yourself. You are more than your mistakes and flaws. You are the very essence of life. A part of you is even god, but use it wisely.

Enjoy~

Lisa Of Shades
15 November 2013

Feeling better

I started feeling better when I finally dared to take an extra 5000mg of vitamin C to my usual 4x1000= 4000mg... Even though I snapped and started eating sugary junk.

But when I bought something with way too much sugar, like a cookie instead of a croissant... I had this torturous pain in my legs and the worst sleep I ever had in ages... Well, my mind is still clearer... and of course I eat my vegetable and chicken soup before (or at least in between) the grains (didn't have them in ages) I still have lonely nightmares about lost friends... But I'm slowly accepting my new reality and replacing what I've lost with something new...

My life, objectively, is still worth being put out of my misery... but it's bearable... I used to be unable to walk, breathe, and feel agony at every move... I've felt like this again... but it went away... so I'm grateful... I even finally managed to do my 5 aquariums in one shot. Well, my life could be worst; I could be forced into prostitution, raped by a violent husband...

But I can't win my own life, people won't keep me employed, I've no strength or support to handle constant rejection and job loss... even if it became norm probably to avoid giving raises... I almost faint if I stay up too long, I can't even go to china town... I'm scared to get out and be assaulted out of the blue again... I have no energy for this bullshit...

I hate society... I wish I had my own house and yard; I'd be laying in the grass, growing flowers without crazy people ripping them out... If welfare is revoked, I'd end up in the streets...

All my family thinks I'm a faker, and even though I have a diagnosis now, hypoglycemia information is only about "Oh diabetic people take too much medication." First of all, hypoglycemia comes first, it's seen in pre-diabetes... it's worst mentally and more dangerous to die quickly than too much sugar, so people shove toxic too strong cookies down their throat, which only make the roller coaster more intense...

There is no way an organ can handle that much unnatural sugar, so of course you don't have enough insulin... but injecting it make people believe that it's okay to continue eating like that, which poison them even more... and cause terrible crashes even without insulin...

I don't take any drugs and it's the crashes that make me suffer so much... It hurts me to see how much science is stubbornly retarded... Because so many people knows already... all those syndrome of chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia... it's tired adrenal glands... you can't even use carbs without enough vitamin B...

We're all starving, even kids, and they're told to suck it up like everybody else... Well, it only makes them violent. Adults too. I'm sick of it! Well, I guess I'll go eat some soup...

And I'm fucking tired that Word corrections add mistakes all the time and making so many myself too T_T

I have new baby fishes, after massive deaths... it really cheered me up...

Enjoy~
Lisa Of Shades
21 November 2013

Healthy, really?

Before I begged a doctor to test me before calling me crazy, and found one who finally did, and proved that I have 2 chronic diseases (actually adrenal fatigue and the whole endocrine system follow the fall in hell like a domino effect)

Before that, I was invalid but they blamed my emotions and personality... saying that my physical health was perfectly fine... I wanted to be a guinea pig to make some cash to eat something decent... and you have to be healthy... but they refused me!!!

Seeing that I was so good for nothing that I couldn't even be used as a lab rat was devastating back then... but now I see that it was actually a proof that it had nothing to do with my will, personality, worth, emotions...

I WAS REALLY SICK!

There was blood in my urine!!! ALL THE TIME!!! "Oh it's not worrisome" REALLY!? Nothing says dying kidneys (the adrenals are above) like that... If that's not scary... then what the hell is!!!

They know stuff is toxic and they add it to our food... then we get cancer and they say "we don't know why, let's load you with cancer causing chemicals and see how healthy that makes you." (Chemo cause cancer in the side effects... along with many things worst than cancer that will kill you for sure or make your survival a living hell) ARG!

Why the hell the pharmaceutical companies didn't send me a report saying that I was sick!!! They sure saw it!

Fucking assholes. All of them!

Don't believe anything blindly... even a rat in the gutter will be more sincere stealing your garbage... than anyone saying sweet words hoping to extort money from you.

The only way I had to cling to reality, was to stop being an idealist and become cynical.

Enjoy~

Lisa Of Shades
21 November 2013

Saved by raw honey

It’s December and I can’t help dreaming about the friends I lost and being alone for Christmas. I snapped and started eating junk and cookies and ice cream. At first it didn’t seem to affect me, but then hell came…

I couldn’t move, I was dizzy, I could barely see, I ended up crying hysterically, and I just wanted to die… It was intense, I didn’t even care if my stuff got in the trash or my pet starved, I just wanted to die… but I can’t… It was hell.

Then I went to wash my hairs with honey, because shampoo is awful for my scalp (itchy and even bloody) and baking soda made my hairs so dry… I was suffering so much that it really killed my desire for sweets…

I was terrified to take even honey, even though raw, unpasteurized, bio fancy honey full of enzymes, vitamins and minerals… never bothered my glucose intolerance, strangely… I guessed that I was doing a detox from this white powder of hell, and grains… so I didn’t want to restart this torture from zero… but when I licked my spoon before washing my hairs with honey, I couldn’t resist and wolfed down a huge spoon. 3 never hurt me, so the heck…

Immediately after I felt awesome!!! But not berserk like chemical white powders… I felt calm and serene… which is weird since it’s sugar… but apparently it’s way more than that, and the other stuff saved me.

Maybe my brain was inflamed from some corn or wheat and crushed against my skull, a pain that is really suicide worthy, and since honey has anti-inflammatory properties, it could have helped. Also it stabilizes blood sugar without giving a high apparently, you don’t even need insulin to get that fuel in the cells because the bees digested it for you or something…

So there I was, intensely suicidal from the sheer agony… and after raw honey I actually feel great. I have a hard time believing that sugar is good before sleep, but there’s a lot of sites saying that honey, not commercial mostly corn syrup bear, but real raw honey, is good for sleep. I even have the super fancy dark buckwheat type, that tastes like molasses, which I hate, but it was supposed to be the most nutritious… Well, it worked.

My life is still suicide worthy… but right now… I don’t actually care… because I’m way too happy not to be in pain all over… Well, if it did stop the sugar detox, at least it will be more smoothly… I never became suicidal from honey, or even yam noodles from china town… So maybe there was some MSG or something in the cookies… Anyway… I guess I’ll bear my life sentence a little more easily…

It’s still unbearable… being an outcast for so many reasons, denied warmth, respect, friendship, love, a job, and even medical care (dismissed as insane when I had 2 chronic diseases) and even the protection of the police (dismissed as insane because what have been done to me was unbelievably mean, but true.)

Well… I’m better off without someone to torture me… I guess what I wanted is to be able to go out and enjoy myself… I couldn’t even play… or see properly… I think I’ll at least be able to go buy myself some food… But I’ll treat myself with plain bio yogurt this time… bacteria are my friends… at least. I can count on them as a part of my immune system… After this sheer torture… I should probably trash the grains and sugar stuff… because… It was worst than death…

Raw honey, when still alive and not boiled, is sweeter than sweets.

Enjoy~

Lisa Of Shades
8 December 2013

Isolation and suicice

Sometimes when you work really really hard in life, the only reward you get is having your internal organs shut down. When you can’t even walk or breathe, people call you lazy. And when you call for help, not to have people do it for you, but to learn how to do it better for yourself, you’re just called insane. Well, I’M LAZY AND INSANE!!!! Feel free to help me, but if you bully me, don’t go cry if I snap.

Apparently even 5 years old commit suicide now… 11 years old plan to kill and rape girls with guns in their school bags, a teen got gang raped, they put pictures everywhere, and people harassed her calling her a slut… and the police dismissed it as not having enough evidence… Why should people be depressed? Duh maybe because of all the bullshit people do, why don’t you send THEM in psychiatry instead of locking up their victims instead of the criminals… If people would just stop to do to others what they don’t want them to do to them… that’d be a good start. Guns were invented to protect yourself and the people you love and desire against shit heads, but I guess those have access to guns too. A kid wanted to die to meet god… his only friend… Religion doesn’t help people enjoy life… I also saw someone say “Right, I live in complete isolation but give me drugs and keep me isolated…”

People don’t give a shit about anyone, and they don’t have the DECENCY to kill the people they hate. Just kill us… burn us alive. It will be less worst than living a hundred years being completely denied any dignity and life whatsoever. Apparently being isolated cause physical symptoms, and lack of communication even prevented the brain development of babies… and they died… They freaking DIED!!! So, yeah, it’s not in your head, you’re dying inside, and it’s not poetry, it’s literally… and if people could stop running from themselves that’d be a good start in accepting the flaws of others… But we run away so a few can live in a perfect pink bubble while they walk on corpses.

I was full of talent and promise… I tried so freaking hard… Until I literally broke internally… behavioral therapy and antidepressants aren’t going to do shit if assault broke your legs… and stress destroys the adrenal glands… I’ve been trying so hard to rebuild them and now that I can actually move… all I see is how much I can’t go out and don’t have friends anyway… Now that I technically can… and not just enjoying the warmth of my blankets… not having a job or anyone… why did I fight so hard to survive… Either way… I’m dead… and no one want to be friend with a morbid zombie.

How can I possibly be politically correct when none of the things that ever been done to me, even by the so called good adjusted people, even by the people paid to help me, was inhuman… I need dark jokes because if I keep everything bottled I’ll explode. I need someone who can understand me… or at least tolerate me… But even the people who had a true pink life, not just a bubble of denial, can’t be accepted for who they really are… maybe because we don’t accept what’s different from us, but how can we when we hate ourselves so much already… I don’t… I have compassion for what I’ve been through and the logical outcomes of desperation… But really… A life without living is worst than being alive… and living hell too. I’ll live on… even if kids managed to kill themselves hanging from a freezer door… I guess at least I can count on my survival instinct to protect me… At least I have that…

Enjoy yours...

Lisa Of Shades
18 December 2013

Christmas and wishing I was dead

I feel even more inadequate with this damn Christmas, rubbing in my face that I have no family and friends and how much I’m left out… not just about this one annoying day, but the whole winter… I love snow and the decorations really make me feel depressed… It’s supposed to be pure and white, a time of rest, but instead I’m pressure in a mass hypocrite hysteria that no one actually want. One day a year to feel good about ignoring each other like garbage… and trying to show off and crush each other… and feel poor and see how much people know nothing about our tastes… It’s just plain awkward! I want good memories… don’t give me money and junk… give me one good memory to show me that life is worth living and that I am welcome into this world!!!

Enjoy........



Lisa Of Shades
18 December 2013


Tired to wait for Death to come

Fed up of being alone and isolated. I just want to plain die… Decapitated by a train… But I’m too scared and it’s cold… I am too dizzy, all freaking day, to go out anonymously… That’s the worst part… Even if I had friends, I can’t go out… and even if I had a great life… I think I’d still feel empty and longing inside… I had a group of friends, I felt so damn ignored… I met people, I know people… I’m so tired to be alone… disliked… It aches inside… Even if I try to say something good, I get a seizure and then I end up incoherent… or say something stupid or depressing because the best of my life is just lame and horrid… All I remember is irritated faces of disdain towards me… All I want is to die… just plain die… But I’m too lame to do it… I don’t care about my pets, if there’s nothing after, I wish I had a time machine and could stop even my birth!!! I don’t even have money to go out! And I have to reject money because it’s so damn hypocrite!!! The fake love of my parents, stabbing my heart mocking me as I ask to be SEEN… telling me to shut up… just a decorative doll having to silence even the joys… I’M ALREADY DEAD!!! MAKE IT OFFICIAL AND KILL ME!!! I can’t bear 70 more years of this… I couldn’t bear it anymore 20 years ago… No more please NO MORE!!! Everything I struggled for, all my successes, were MEANINGLESS!!! I’m just a lonely invalid, with no hope, no life… This is the best I ever had, the best I’ll ever get… and I just want to curl up and die… So many people have worst, even the ones who have what I think I should… maybe even especially them… But even if I was a queen… trapped in a golden castle… I still feel so lonely… and damn useless, not that I want to be exploited… But no one ever smile at me… People say they are worried about me… Like the mother was worried about her child locked in her closet in a pile of her own crap, she didn’t want her to go away… but they didn’t see her or hugged her or ever spoke to her… Existing and good intentions aren’t enough… Especially when you just look away from people’s agony. It’s worthless. If you’re worried, then ACT and make it better… You know I suffer… you know that your actions can only cause suffering… but you just won’t bother at all… You don’t deserve to be proud to be worried… Just ignore me completely instead to give me empty bullshit words!!! AND GO AWAY!!! If I stop waiting after a lie… maybe I could find a true friend… But I don’t… maybe because they don’t exist, at least not for me. I’m tired to wait for death in my own filthy emptiness… Everything I have is slowly breaking away… Working so hard to heal was futile… At best now I know… now I’m aware enough to see… how much my life isn’t one.

Lisa Of Shades
19 December 2013

Neglect and ignoring the pain may be worst than hitting your child

I first started this text in my page Folly of psychiatry, about the fact that even when parents know that drugging their kids with antidepressants will make them more suicidal, they’d still rather that than daring to take care of their child’s pain. As if we’re allowed to cry in need and pain only when we’re a baby, then we get ignored and mocked. Suicide is a logical reaction to trying to please someone who want to ignore us…

When you want to ignore the pain, it’s the person that you ignore, it’s her life that you deny…

Because at that moment her life is pain… And if you deny her the right to feel and live the only thing that’s on her path… then her only option is out… of your way… out of life…

In the YouTube video Australia's Teen Suicide Epidemic the parents KNEW that antidepressants worsened the suicide impulse, especially the first MONTH, and they poisoned the poor kid anyway saying that it’s a small side effect and risk. SMALL!? It’s DEATH, if that’s small then WTF is big!? It was precisely what they wanted to prevent, so then if it’s small, just spare the poor kid to be locked up away from her home, family and friends… in a scary prison place… and drugged… And if you don’t want her to commit suicide4, then don’t give her drugs that WORSEN suicide desires!!! There was a tiny chance that it would just shut her up into a perfect little doll… So they tortured her and pushed her over the edge, or more likely on the train track, because that’s where she soon went to DIE. And can you blame her? Treated like this… Her grandmother said that she didn’t want to hear about suicide and looked the other way… then “Oh no, if only we knew we could have done something” FUCK YOU bitch! You didn’t want to know… you cornered your little girl all alone and scared, abandoned because she didn’t give you fuzzy sunshine… SHE NEEDED YOU! And when she saw that you didn’t care, that no one cared that she suffered… That’s what made life unbearable. Not that silly boy, not that bad exam, not that few extra pounds or whatever… The fact that she didn’t feel safe and loved and accepted for who she was, even with the rain… You denied her the silver lining… Locked her away and put that burden of her on some stranger’s shoulders… when just a hug and listening could have made all the difference of the world… And if she was hypoglycemic… stopping to feed her convenience food garbage that made her blood spike then crash into the worst torture I ever had to bear, and I lived worst. I can endure hell itself… but all alone… ignored… denied the right to be me and not a mere copy of you, like a soulless doll… even the greatest life would be unbearable.

Oh it’s not your fault, but the drug’s fault for not working, or the stranger’s fault because you threw away the responsibility on someone else for your own child? No. You failed her. By denying her very feelings, identity, therefore right to exist unless she was exactly what you wanted… She since she couldn’t, since you wanted the burden away, locked away, she gave you what you wanted, now she’s locked into a coffin. At least she finally got what she wanted, she died free, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now, she doesn’t suffer anymore. I guess she could have waited until she was 18 and get the hell out and control her own life, ignoring you like you did… for choosing the other option, I guess… that’s how much she loved you.

If you want to help someone be happier, then stop giving her shit, stop denying her bad feelings and give her warmth, love and understanding... Give her support yourself!!! Don't drug lock the poor kid away because she's not a giggling baby anymore, and babies cry way louder... for help... nurturing... good food... not being abandoned in their filth or to predators... but you looked the other way... How could you know... yeah, without even looking.

How could you do this to her.

Bitches.

Apparently talking about being depressed is taboo, suicide is taboo… It’s much more convenient to let your kid agonize and have death as only option since you won’t protect them and won’t even give them the comfort of being acknowledged into existence. You can’t have the cake, eat it too, and ignore the kid while he cut his throat with the knife, and not have him die… You preferred to ignore a tear, and now there’s nothing left to ignore… because your child is dead.

In theYouTube video Toxic People: How to End a Bad Relationship Say that if someone make you feel bad in any way, then trash them! Not just if the person threatens you or harm you, if they make you feel depressed. Then what about giving empathy to people who feel depressed? In society, to think about our own happiness, we’re more than encouraged not to bother with people in pain and just ignore them and walk away. Leave it to the professionals who want to drug them and lock them up like milk cows while forcing drugs down their throat, drilling into their brain, and then claim that you shouldn’t take illegal drugs!!!? Fucked up shit.

Ironically, she also made suicide video: How to Help Someone Who is Suicidal

Also For Those Considering Suicide She says that we're appreciated more than we know, then why don't they bother telling us, seeing us, listening to us!!! Oh yeah that's some appreciation, being one more number on facebook to boost someone’s self esteem, having 600 friends but never doing any activities with them. She refers to a disease, and probably mean mental illness, but thyroid and pancreas problems can cause severe depression from the agony. I know, I have both.

They often say to turn to family, friends... I have none, they mock me and ignore me. Who’d want to be friend with an invalid or crazy person... Each other? I can hardly bear my own agony. I don’t even want someone to listen to my pains, I just want someone to share my joys. I don’t have that… feeling sad about it isn’t a disease… anxiety is more than natural from being bullied and despise every time I open my mouth to share little life I have, which is garbage and looked down on by others… Pills won’t give me a job, a family, friends, a lover… Pills will just give me side effects, damage kidneys and brains… Denying reality so I can be normal, like all those other people who deny my very existence in all aspects then claim to love me… that’s just sick. The day people will accept that life isn’t just about kittens and sunshine… the day we’ll be allowed to reply “bad” when someone ask how we are doing… maybe kids will suicide less. And if we don’t let companies prey on them and put pressure on them like crazy, at least stop as a parent, then maybe they’ll be able to stand proud, and not just try to make you proud with impossible expectations that you couldn’t fulfill yourself, but somehow think that your kid should do better than you ever could to boost your self esteem, while destroying theirs.

If we could just bother to cook the kids real food so their body and brain can function without needing sheer will power to overcome the constant exhaustion and pain… Then maybe there’d be less suicide. But the world is over populated; I don’t think small tribes killed themselves, not out of loneliness and feeling useless to the society.

The social medias are just more ways to put walls between people and avoid actually talking with them, and doing activities with them, and connecting on a deeper level, a level that is scary and hurts… but that we fundamentally need to live. Babies denied communication and senses like a gentle touch couldn’t develop their brains and died…

The only thing crazy isn’t people committing suicide, but a society that makes people with they were dead. People starve in the streets all alone in the cold… don’t you think they asked for help… no one answered… or gave too little. Oh there are too long lists for psychiatric care? Almost everyone have a family that’s supposed to do the job!!! It’s like expecting even the middle and lower class to be able to afford a nurse to feed their baby, DO YOUR JOB AS A PARENT!!! Your kid isn’t some toy or object to look good to the neighbors, or game characters to accomplish your life goals while you sit on your ass doing crappy things. Accomplish yourself or give the freaking kid a break! The morale of the story is that if you don’t want to bother when your baby cry… THEN GET A FUCKING ABORTION!!! Or even better, DON’T FUCK EVER!

Save that time and energy to accomplish your goals yourself. Maybe then you'll put less pressure and more real love, and by that I mean nurturing even when it’s not funny. Neglect is maybe worst than beating the kid. At least then they’d get some real human contact… Well, there’s worst… I try to find comfort in that.

Be careful what you wish for and what you do. Good intentions isn’t enough. Take ACTION… YOURSELF!!! If you want something done right, do it yourself… Even, and especially, love and care.

Enjoy~

Lisa Of Shades
19 December 2013

 

It didn't get better, it got worst, and if this is better, may death come quickly.

I feel deeply and utterly miserable. I got my wish to play among people granted, only to see my own madness, brain damage, and inadequacy… and notice my loneliness even more deeply… I wish I was dead… I’m scared to go… but I sure as hell wish I was never born… Denied warmth, communication, to be even looked at… even from my own lovers… I want to die… They say that it will get better if you hold on… If this is better… living like a granny waiting for death… then may death come quickly.

I can't even look for help... I was mocked, rejected and denied even in psychiatry, told that I have no quality and that no one will ever want me even in therapy… when I questioned the diagnostic, even though she told me that my logic about not having the list of symptoms was right. I almost died from medicine… you can’t drug away a broken heart, that the methods of junkies and pushers and it’s illegal to enslave and prey on the weak… but I think it’s illegal because the government want to get the money with big Pharma. No one gives a shit… and I’m so jaded… right now I don’t… I’m too tired… I just want to die… I tried to help a friend, but really, I need help way more than she ever will, with her big job, house and lover… I was exploited without pay, sexually harassed, I got even threatened to be punched with a fist in my face… and that’s just the job part… some people have it all, yet they still cry everyday… Then… I really should die…

Videos I saw about suicide say that people will miss me, that they care… they refuse to see me, what difference does it make!!! I could be dead and it’d take months or maybe even years, or maybe they’d never know and still send me a birthday card 10 years after my death… And I’m supposed to feel cared about!!!? Knowing this atrocity!??? My family NEVER sees me!!! If at least they told me that they hate me and want nothing to do with me, because my birth was an accident and they never wanted me (actually they told me the last part) then I could just move on… but pretending they love me to give me mockery and contempt when I plea to see them… to be cared about, comforted… heck just to see them… just to be looked at 2 seconds and not just take for granted that I’m alive and okay because they’re too “busy” not giving a shit, and can’t be bothered, because they don’t wanna~~~

I just want someone to smile at me... without trying to rape me, without mocking who I am... it would make all the difference of the world.

I don’t want to be rich, or have a perfect body, or the best boyfriend there 24/7… I just want someone to smile with me… at least once in a while…

I would really enjoy that right now...

Lisa Of Shades
19 December 2013

Being trapped in my own body

The irony of my life is that even death doesn't kill me, so I can't actually commit suicide, even though I have no friends, no family, no job, no lover... but at least I have a home.

I almost died several time and I saw my survival instinct fight with a beautiful strength; I doubt that the people who looked down on me posses even half of it... but I wish I had enough strength to go out without being dizzy and close to faint all the time...

I realized a long dream, found geeks to meet, played board games unplugged like I wanted in so desperately long... but it only showed me how inadequate I am, how poor, how much I'm missing in life... and the disdain in people's face, the subtle rejection even though I did my best to smile... I was dizzy at times, it was hard to be coherent, and since my life is a disaster, even the best part of it inspired disgust... I had nothing to share... I wished to die before due to loneliness... and now with the shame of my existence, I wish I was never born.

Even a psychiatrist told me that no one will ever want me, not even in therapy, and that I probably have a quality somehow, but that she couldn't find me any...

People don't want to die because they want to cry... people want to die because they have no one to smile with. Being forced to smile when you need to cry is what pushes people over the edge... It builds up inside without hope to be expressed... of course we mustn't dwell in self pity... but we need balance, and sometimes we need to know that someone still want to be with us even when we are in pain...

The only thing I crave for enough to die is to share a smile... to feel safe... accepted.

I tried to meet people with mental problems... but I got harassed sexually, people took drugs and others, they didn't respect each other, one tried to steal the girlfriend of his best friend, in his face! Despair can make people act very ugly sometimes... I probably do too... but I didn't feel safe... I am poor, but dignity is free. I can choose to put my money in healthy food that will give my body a chance with some very needed strength and materials... or I can use that money to mess up my brain even more trying to flee...

I understand the urge to flee... the agony that rips you apart, body and soul... I can't escape from my own body... but at least I can avoid damaging it even more...

Magnesium helped me greatly, among with others, like vitamin C... but even the best food, best supplements and detox greens of the world... can't stop someone completely isolated from being lonely...

I used to bear it so well... but now that I'm actually able to leave my bed... I see that my life is empty... even my friends don't want to see me... oh they so care that they don't even want to talk with me, but they worry for me??? Letting me die all alone, of course they should be worried... but if they are, then why won't they see me... and if they want to know nothing about me, then cut the crap and don't email me "oh if only I knew..." I told them, they said no... then after they give me the "oh I so care" crap... like my mother who didn't see me in more than a decade but she sooo loooves me... sending a card twice a year doesn't make someone a mother, and certainly not a good one... It’s the first Christmas that I spend without even this little lie... I threw them out of my life when they told me that I deserve to suffer... when I explained them that all my mental symptoms were the result of vital organs disease, not in my head, not laziness, bad personality or other... but I am really sick! Beyond my control and my will... It would be like asking someone without leg to find the will to walk... It's disgusting.

It's cruel.

Antidepressants cause depression, why the hell are they even legal!? Because they cause hypoglycemia and it cause depression, most likely is the problem in the first place. It can also cause bipolar (from sugar highs then crashes from refine foods) and even schizophrenia (because you can't think straight while your brain is fuel deprived, half asleep, about to faint, fall in a coma and die...) and guess what... antidepressants cause schizophrenia! And worsen suicide ideation... because there's no worst torture than not having enough fuel or oxygen to the brain... Except maybe being electrocuted, burned... or be told that our personality, what makes us who we are, our very identity... is a disease... locked away when we did nothing wrong... like criminals for needing a hug... for being human... for being still alive...

And then people wonder... why we're depressed, why people commit suicide...

Why don't they invent pill to make heartless people care, to make criminals feel shame and guilt so they won't traumatize people for life ever again, why don't they put friendship, families, jobs in a pill!!!?

I was even denied the protection of the police because I was told that people couldn't possibly have been this cruel with me, I HAD to be on drugs, or I HAD to be crazy and inventing things... the worst is that once I convinced the cop, he told me that I should smoke pot, that it would calm me down. I was calm, I just called to have information about my duty as a citizen to protect his next victim... I let the rage symptom of hypoglycemia out, and he ran away before I had the time to do more than show my teeth! But he still hurt me... yet I'm grateful to myself that it didn't get worst.

I almost registered in another site, they had the rule that we absolutely HAD to be on medication, even though it's been proven time and time again to worsen symptoms, and even cause sudden death... and we had to work or volunteer... The people who had a job and could volunteer didn't need to make friends, they had opportunities!!! But it was denied to the people deep in hell trying to claw out of their bed.

Before I started taking vitamin C, and lots of it, and others... B complex for energy, and Celtic sea salt for trace minerals and being able to keep water in my veins and have a decent blood pressure... and Kelp for natural usable iodine for my thyroid... We don't need drugs we need food!!! I wasn't able to eat much, so vitamins were a great help. I want to scream it on roofs for all the useless suffering that doctors worshipping chemicals inflicted on me!!! Usually I'm happy... but there's so much loneliness I can bear...

I was so weak that I had to hold to the furniture to reach the bathroom, I was so weak I had to put my head against the refrigerator to be able to stand up long enough to make myself food... I couldn't sit because I couldn't hold my own head and the weight made it harder to breathe... It was hell... But the worst was being told that I was lazy, to do exercise and that it will fix everything... to take mood enhancers as if it would make fainting in the middle of the street less life threatening and worry worthy...

It's false care... both from doctors who are clueless and people who claim to love you, but demand that you give them a perfect happy little doll to avoid inconveniencing them... that's the true torture... having to serve people wants and whims when we're the one in need...


Having to pretend, suffocating behind a mask of perfection that no one can reach... I understand with my enemies, weak preys are the easiest... but with my friends, with my family... and even if I do play the happy-happy-happy game... to be rejected anyway...

I'm lonely... but I don't want to sell my body for affection... to be a sperm toilet... wrecking my poor endocrine system even more with the pill, like throwing a bowling ball in my already fragile hormones... risking to get pregnant, when I can't even fe3ed myself even less to build an entire whole new body... or get aborted, probed and my inside scraped by strangers when I can't even bear the idea to be touched by a loved one if I ever meet someone and like them... All the horrors that happened in my life were linked to sex...

I had to quit my career because I was harassed sexually and they refused to pay me too, pretending to have work for me and making me work for nothing to have an excuse to call and harass me... I wanted to die as a little girl because my bully took it one step further and the cops said that I lied to get attention... either way if I needed attention my mother should have woke up... But she had me to force my father to stay and not leave her for another, it didn't work a 3rd time... so I was a failure to her before I was even born and I never could do anything to change that... because all she wanted was to be pampered by someone... I was sick, all the time... now I know it was from malnutrition... she never took me anywhere... and the rare times she did, she gave me utter hatred that I was an embarrassment and a shame... but you can't abandon a child in front of a TV, in a room not much bigger than a closet, and then expect her to be well adjusted.

I wish I had asperger syndrome... aspie people seem awesome. It would explain how I am, and what I've been through. Maybe I'm just an introvert...

I can't be politically correct... I don't know how, it bores me... I don't want to be shamed to talk about what I was born with... I have thick glasses; I'm half blind with -10/20 which is severe. I feel lucky to be able to see and I treasure it. But it's a fact, if I remove my glasses, I'm half blind. Why should I be ashamed? Why should I be bullied? It's not a choice. I tried wearing contacts but my pupil couldn't breathe through something so tick and veins grew, I could have become completely blind! I stopped wearing make up because the chemical stuff to clean it burned my cornea and damaged my vision, thankfully it healed but it wasn't worth it...

The world is over populated... I wish they could have the mercy of killing the people they don't want instead of denying them a job, friends, family, dignity, even a home and food... letting them die slowly... or at least provide people with a suicide kit... At least there's welfare, but only because they fear that we'd eat their cat if they let us starve too much...

I worked so hard to have skills, among the best in school... but I was denied the school service to help me find a job saying that no one would ever want me because I don't allow myself to make mistakes... to go do a therapy... It wasn't up to them to judge!!! How am I supposed to improve myself? Screw up on purpose!???

How can I not be desperate to be perfect when even if I am, at the peril of my health, I get rejected for the stupidest reason!!! I crashed... for months I couldn't move... It felt like an axe in my legs... Will power alone was holding me together... hope... What was I supposed to hope for after seeing that even perfection was rejected and mocked...

They tell kids not to give up school... but why not... why the hell not... when they, more clever than I was... notice that no matter what they achieve, no one will ever want them, no one will give them a chance and appreciate what they have to offer... because of how they look or their personality, because of things that they can't even torture themselves to hide... I worked so hard... and it didn't make a freaking difference... I was paid less, exploited more... that's all I got...

I shut down my internal organs...

I lost my life even if I didn't die...

In a way... I was never born... because if you are born unwanted and without love, your life can't really start... because we can't do it all alone...

I see people with great jobs, families, friends, a house... everything I believe I must have to have the right to be happy... But they're even more miserable than I am... Maybe they have more reason to be exhausted...

I wish I could add my voice to the few about real health... that it starts with how you nurture and nourish your body... that any stress is exactly the same to your adrenal glands, physical or mental, that it's a PHYSICAL damage even if it's a psychological attack... I'd rather be slapped in the face than told that my personality is a disease... I'd rather be killed than abandoned by a loved one... I'd rather die than live a life all alone...

But I am trapped in my own body... in this life that was forced on me... by people who never wanted it... I would have preferred the kindness of an abortion... then be brought into life with hatred and rejection.

But I would rather be all alone... even trapped in a coffin... than be denied the right... the freedom... to be who I am, to feel what I feel... and to speak out the only reality that I have. Yes, it's depressing... But I have to endure all the depth of the pain 24/7... how dare people look at me as a defective pile of crap... instead of my strength and courage...

Normal people wouldn't last a second if we switched life out of the blue! That's why they can't even bear to listen...

But maybe we can to each other... but I have so much trouble bearing my own stuff... that I'm not sure I can take more pain into my heart...

I guess in this individualistic materialistic society... everyone feel unsafe, isolated and lonely... even with a group of friends, even married... no one take the time to truly look at them, to truly listen... to smile and appreciate the mere fact that they're there... taking for granted that they are... lost in their own issues, even when trivial... having to rely on our own... all alone... even in an ocean of faces... (what dreams may come, the movie).

Maybe some people want to help, they often suggest volunteering to feel less lonely... so they're in fact trying to help themselves... I was offered help as long as I was crying and compliant... if I was angry and wanted to revolt against what was done to me and defend myself, I was labeled a monster and pushed out...

It’s this desire for absolute pink bubbles that makes absolutely everyone feel miserable and left out... Because life isn't like that... There's rain, and rainbows would never happen without it, or the silver lining of clouds...

What I want isn't someone to solve my problems, I can do it myself... what I need is someone to give me the right to live... not just if I'm freaking happy, giving them sex (won't ever happen), or something like that... to accept my existence with both sides, the bad too... If you deny me one, you deny the whole, you deny me, you deny my right to exist... and the right to live. Because life is half darkness half light.

I want darkness. It's soothing. My eyes are light sensitive.

I want to laugh in the dark.

Enjoy~
Lisa Of Shades
19 December 2013





Right to be ©razy 2013 and beyond!